Young Writers Society

Yo Sharon,

Having looked at La mort est belle; Part I, I've come to have a look at Part II and comment.

Firstly, I think this is a much stronger poem than your Part I is. We have more concrete imagery and your lines feel more structured, with much more purpose to what you're saying and how you're saying it.

We are suffering here from the same problem as in the first poem however, and that is that by the end of the poem I'm still wondering what I'm getting out of this poem. I think to myself "Oh okay" and not much else. On thinking about this for a little while I think that the problem is actually due to the form of the poem, that is the core of the issue. You're writing poems about people here but you're purposefully trying not to talk about a particular person. You're talking about these men but also you're trying not to give us too much, so that they could be any men welcomed into the light of the Lord and whatever. And that works on one level - the intent is there and works - but doesn't work on another, in that the poems are too vague for your reader to take a strong interest.

I think you might want to consider more Christian imagery to bolster what you're writing about. And also give your men some purpose and some kind of characterising figures. Poems about generic "anybody" people are very hard to pull off because as readers we need features and expressions and actions to help us empathise and connect with your personas. Even if you gave conflicting or negative details like "He was unnoticed, not short or tall/unseen by many and all./A normal human being - was he?" you do well in lines like "his eyes prominent" because we have a great concrete image to connect with and imagine with you. You just need to be a little more specific with your images as you go through the rest of the poem. This will increase clarity and give your reader more to engage with on a personal level.

I hope these comments are useful! Thank you for posting, I've really enjoyed reading your poems - even though it may not sound like it. If you have any questions or you do change the poem at all, please let me know!

- PenguinAttack

Hi Sharon1407! Lauren here for a review ^^

First off, what a well constructed poem. o_o The flow of the movement is all very clear, and I feel like I've ended in a different place than I began by the final line. That's a pretty big accomplishment!

My main questions here are concerning specificity. Because things are so clear and well placed, I understand well enough what happens in the poem, but it feels a bit "so what?" by the end because it stays in this very general space. For example, we get sparkle imagery twice "sometime sparkled" in line 6 and "everything sparkled" in line 12. This feels like it's meant to represent something magical or divine taking place, but it comes across a bit meaningless since they're not specific (what does it mean when it sparkles? what causes it to sparkle? what does it look like, specifically, when it sparkles? etc) and there's not something specific that happens as a result. "Then everything went off to the usual" and "and went on so, till heaven's door" don't give us much to work with. The sparkle feels like a signficant event both times, but is not made so in the context of the poem. I think this poem would feel more powerful and meaningful if we had a fuller understanding of these two moments.

I think you could apply the idea of being more specific in a lot of places in this poem, as well. Focus on exact details (sight, sound, taste, touch, etc) and it'll really pop. They don't have to be super-original or new details, but if they're specific they'll feel that way. I hope any of that made sense xD Please do let me know if I can better clarify!

All in all, this was a lovely read! I think with just a little more work, you'll have something really wonderful on your hands.

Keep writing!

--Lauren