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Dear Mr Maple tree

by DivergentDemigod


Dear Mr. Maple tree,

Can you do something for me?

Don't worry, its not too much I'm asking

and of course I'm not asking it for free,

I promise to water you every now and then, without failing

if you just agree.

~

Dear Mr. Maple tree,

It's autumn you see and just like every other tree,

you are shedding too many leaves.

Brown and yellow ,and red,

spread here and there,

lying around all dead.

~

Dear Mr. Maple tree,

I understand its nature,

and you don't do it purposely, but you need to realize

how much trouble it causes me,

as I'm the one who has to clean

all your mess every evening without failing.

~

Dear Mr. Maple tree,

It's been an hour since I started cleaning your mess today

yet you just keep shedding more and more of it, and I need to start all over again.

Won't you grant a wish to a small girl, Mr. Maple?

Won't you consider my request?

Or will I be stuck here all night cleaning your mess?

~


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60 Reviews


Points: 34
Reviews: 60

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Tue May 31, 2016 8:06 am
AllisonArgent wrote a review...



Okay I was reading the poem and thinking.....'What's so funny here?'....................................
That this guys a sweeper so I was like....................'so that's what's funny.'...........................
'It's been an hour since I started cleaning your mess today.' ...........I just loved that line and I don't even know why..You're good.......And then out of nowhere the sweeper guy turned i to little girl...Ooooo......Is she in juvi or something ......The fact that I loved the most was that it is a little girl and someone's making her clean leaves from somewhere and she can't go in somewhere until she finishes cleaning leaves. The fact I loved the most and makes it humorous is that I don't get it at all.




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Fri May 13, 2016 11:13 am
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Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
Hello there, sunshine Rashi and as requested from you, I am here to shit on your work. As a very good buddy would do. Send hugs later.
May need that reward later on. Of course, I need to be your biggest critique giver.
Do we need to talk about the punctuation and capitalization with you today, ha? Looks like no, so I do not look like a moron here. But you understand what I meant. If you will write the whole thing punctuanionally write, do it from the start to the end. For the main idea od this work my only problem is that you just not clear your idea out around the start which is kind of unattractive to me. Why would I continue reading if I know none for the whole thing and I am less interested to know? Maybe this is the only thing to point out about it.



Dear Mr. Maple tree

I understand that this is more like a letter like written more than anything else so this is why you need the comma after this line. It is something you do after you had written who is the letter for or who you are personally talking to.

can you do something for me?

This was the line which made me start complaining about the capitalization in this work.
In the other parts it was okay so so. You do not need to correct this line but if you want to leave it with a small letter at the start, you need to put the comma I told you earlier about.


Don't worry, its not too much I'm asking


Normally when we want something, we ask 'for' it. Not only 'ask' like we ask some kind of a question. In this sentence you had eaten that out of it and forgotten about it.
'its' also needs to be 'it's'
Don't worry, it's not too much I'm asking for.


I promise to water you every now and then, without failing

Not 'every', it is 'even'.
'even now and then'
'every now'?
You can not use 'every' for a moment like 'now'. 'Now' is right now. One moment. Happening once. 'Every' is when we have more than one.

if you just agree.

You had put the fullstop here, right?
Please do it for the rest of the work also so it is completed. It is now an unfinished job.


its autumn you see and just like every other tree,

'its' is 'it's' and 'autumn' is 'Autumn' I think so.

Brown and yellow and red,

When you use 'and' more than once in one sentence while ordering actions or whatever, you need comma before every other 'and' when they become more than one.
Example:
I love red, blue and yellow.
I love red and blue, and yellow.
I love red and blue.




I understand its nature,

I suppose 'its' was meant to be 'it's'.


as I'm the one, who has to clean

You make us pause because of these commas too frequently. This is optional but you do not need the comma.

it's been an hour, since I started cleaning your mess today

There is no use to put comma before 'since'.


won't you grant a wish to a small girl, Mr. Maple?

won't you consider my request?

or will I be stuck here, all night cleaning your mess?

Start each line with capital letter.




Have a good day/night and keep on writing, dear Rashi.
Your king leaving.






Omfg u really did shit over my work...but anyways I guess I asked for it xD thanx buttito





So many of ur codes failed xD



Elijah says...


Which ones exactly? :v





"quote" ones



Elijah says...


I have none, darling. XD I edited them.





"editing" is really a magical thing...(for dumpbutts like u) lol





This will be the past where I butt in and say that I wish I could shit as good as Leo. Wait, no I don't...? Help xD






Elijah says...


No one does it so horribly as me.





true *kidding*



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91 Reviews


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Fri May 13, 2016 10:12 am
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Kazumi wrote a review...



This poem. Rolls off my tongue. So nicely. So smoothly. This is gonna be a tricky dissection, since this one is really, really good.

1st Stanza:

Smooth. Caramel to the eyes. Music to the ears. Not much to say, except for punctuation and capitalization, so let's move on.

2nd Stanza:

Still smooth. Though the second line stands out from the syllable scheme (it has 13, while succeeding lines have 5-8 syllables).

Uh-oh. It's starting to get inconsistent.

3rd Stanza:

This is the part where your poem falls short. Your rhyme scheme is pretty much faded away at this point, and it's less like caramel and more like rocky road. But hey, rocky road is still tasty, right?

Also, watch your punctuation here. Using commas unnecessarily will slow down the poem way too much for liking. One example is the fifth line: "As I'm the one, who has to clean"
Not only is it unnecessary, it is also incorrect punctuation.

4th Stanza:

First four lines, you're pretty much sacrificing form and structure for more words to say. I don't like it, to be honest.

However, the last two ending lines are simply killer. It brings back the smooth rhymes that were present in stanzas 1-2. You just ended a poem right, while still leaving the readers with something to remember. Just remove the comma at the last line, since it slows down an ending line as killer as this.

Overall, this is a good read, at least in the first two stanzas. It just fell apart in the last two stanzas, but you still managed to nail it. Also, your rhymes are smooth. Keep it up.

8/10.






Thankies! I love rock road more than caramel btw...xD



Kazumi says...


I'm more of a strawberry/vanilla person, actually.



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Thu May 12, 2016 8:01 pm
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Kaju wrote a review...



Dear phangirldivergent46,
Awesome! You know, I could feel the desperation of the speaker. I generally love personification but this one is the best one I've ever read!
I know there was a mess in the rhyme scheme but it doesn't matter to me. One thing I would point out is that the real trouble was mentioned too late. I mean to say in the third stanza, there was an error in the sequence. Since it is approximately the halfway point of the poem by then you should have mentioned that you are having trouble cleaning up the fallen leaves and then later mention that you understand it is nature and the tree doesn't do it purposely. Well, it is just an opinion but it would have looked better this way.

Above all, the poem is short and sweet, cute and easy for memorizing and recitation.
Loved it! Awesome piece of work!
Keep it up! All the best!!!!!






Thank you kaju! I'm glad u liked my work :)



Kaju says...


My pleasure!!! :-)






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77 Reviews


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Wed May 11, 2016 12:11 pm
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RadiantShadow wrote a review...



Hey girl! :D

I'm here to leave you a review as requested.

So first off I would love to say I really loved reading it! The concept of the poem is sweet and simple and it really tugged at my heart.

Although I couldn't find a stable rhyme scheme nor rhythm it really did flow easily and in this case it made perfect sense because it seems to resemble all the leaves falling down at a constant rate and the girl just has to keep cleaning them.

I also like the use of repetition, "Dear Mr Maple Tree," because it made it seem like the persona was genuinely asking the tree almost begging to the tree to stop shedding the leaves. In addition to this, the repetition of the word "failing" gave the poem a tone of despair and also dedication.

I have one slight thin i need to comment on. Its not too much I'm asking... I think that should be that I'm asking. I would suggest you practice on having a simple rhyme scheme or at least make the lining size more evenly matched in other poems... unless you want to show discord as a theme

Overall I enjoyed it, good work!






thanx



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Wed May 11, 2016 10:39 am
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MicrohieraxFT wrote a review...



I'm no expert at poems, but here are the things I want to correct. "Mr" needs a period (.) at the end, or you can write it as "Mister". "I", when referring to oneself, needs to be capitalised regardless of its location in the sentence.

"Its been an hour"

"Its" is possessive, so it is used in the wrong sentence, write it as "it's" instead to show that it's the shortened form of "it has".






okay...thanx for the review anywya


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NP. :)




Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde