Young Writers Society

Hey TZH!
This was definitely a good poem. But of course it could use some improvements. Because even the best could be made better right?
Anyway I'm not gonna pick the nits ( I guess the others already did that for you and so I'm not gonna repeat it)
I'll just point out the things that I liked.
Well starting with the theme. It's not something that I haven't already read about but I still like it. You really did a good job in summoning everything up.
I also liked your word choices.
And the part where you said I'm no more a princess but a queen was outstanding. We'll mostly because I believe that whoever believes in themselves can definitely rule the world.
I loved the way you ended the poem. Though it is sad and everything but I still liked it. Because despite whatever we have and whomever we are with deep down in the heart we always think about "what if" or atleast I do.
Anyway I enjoyed reading your piece and hope to see more of your works.

Great job! Keep on writing!
Fangirl~

Hey TZH,

Overall I think you've got a good structure for line breaks. You don't really need any help with that and I'm not sure about stanzas because, well, this isn't in stanzas. I like the way you're grouping things together and not just going with complete sentences.

I think you could probably improve this by working on where your focus is going. Right now you have this awkward ending where you admit you think but there's this really rude joke that sort of goes along with statements like that, "sometimes I think," "No, don't hon, it'll hurt you" and you just leave it there so it's not exactly a good ending because of that.

Overall if we look at what these sections are trying to say, I think you'll see some places that your clarity is lacking too. I'm going to be paraphrasing sentences instead of lines.

I feel things.
I think it's love, but I don't know.
[You forgot periods in the next section]
I don't dream because they come true
Dreams about love and thrill
I married a king
This is fantasy, really I'm just a human like all the rest of you [because queens aren't humans too?]
I make mistakes [queens don't?]
I am punished
I am pampered
I can take stress
Life isn't sugar canes and mistletoe.
I am sad
I am happy
I think sometimes.

Basically, roughly translated, that's your poem. I wrote in a few notes about it up there, but let's go over it together.

You have quite a few typos like maybe being one word, not two, and the use of ellipsis at the end isn't how it's supposed to be used, but I'll leave that alone. I'm not quite sure that's the important thing to critique here.

Your poem tries to delve into an interesting idea, that dreams come true, and that somehow your speaker is scared of that, even though their dreams are about good things. I'd like to see you explore that deeper, and as you explore that, consider it like you're talking to someone. You are talking to your friends, telling them about this experience you had, and you want them to relate to it, to feel what you felt. The best way to do this would be to use metaphors from things they had experienced. If you write this with more imagery, you'll probably get a better result, and it'll be a little bit clearer what you're talking about and why.

So, overall, I'd suggest you write this again, but this time focus on expressing your ideas in a way that people can feel, relate it to things that are tangible, things everyone's experienced. Try to come up with examples of your feelings that you could replicate to someone else, like jumping in a pool is something everyone could experience.

I hope this helps!
Aley

Hello!

The topic you've chosen for this poem feels a bit used. Like, the certain idea could be explained more of how you feel about it. I've read some poems that are much like this one, giving off that vibe about how there's that unsure feeling in your chest. A monster within your skin, sort of thing. As I said before, you could've approached the meaning from a different standpoint. Think outside the box. When writing poetry, you should have a theme or a plan before hand (this can also go with writing a novel - think before you write).

Deep in this heart there is something

This lies beneath the soul

My life depends on.

The feeling of being complete

The Love and passion and all feelings

I want to realize is true.

And now I realize I don't dream

Because,

Now my dreams come true

The ecstatic joy of loving and being loved

So truly lay side by side--

I am not a princess anymore

I am the Queen

Though I know

I am a human being

I do Make mistakes--

And sometimes Get punishments

Maybe I am not too pampered

And I can take tensions

As….. life is not only bundle of joy

But mixture of pain ‘n’ and sorrow too.

But, Now I am the happiest

And I am the saddest too…

Deep in my heart

SOMETIMES sometimes

I ……. Think.

Notes-

- I like the mysterious opening.
- Instead of two different parts, you could put ‘Because, now my dreams come true’
- It is very poetic (Obviously) and very well written. Sometimes it is hard to convey a message to readers through poetry, but you did it perfectly. Their isn’t much to say on this besides, it was wonderful an keep writing.