The door slides open beneath my gentle push, coming to a silent standstill against a wall—one I cannot see. There is no light.
I take the first hesitant step inside, hands fumbling for a light switch on the walls, on the door (even though I saw nothing before), on the floor—everywhere one could possibly be. Even with a faint idea of what one would look like, I am clueless how to operate it. When my fingers find the small switch protruding from the opposite walls, I first try to push it over. That doesn’t work.
From the light peeking in from the outside, I see words etched into the plastic switch, and the top says: on. So I do as the switch says, flipping it up with one flick—
—and the room is engulfed in white light, illuminating everything. I walk through the hall, taking baby steps. The walls are plain, without any pictures to cover their nakedness. Just white walls, and a white ceiling, and cool, white tiles beneath my bare feet.
The hallway stretched out before me goes for not too far—only as long as a short moment takes for me to walk its length. A single picture at the edge of the hall stops me, and I pause to look closer with a faint hope that it’s a painting or photograph. But it is merely an escape route in case of emergencies. Only another technical thing to keep this place running, and just one more thing for us new people to keep in mind. Although there are so many different passage-ways and doors and exits in-between this room and the outside, the entire building would probably burn up before I made it halfway out. Just the size outlined on the map shows me an immense structure. Something tells me I will have to navigate it all eventually, and learn where everything goes.
Stepping into the room is like walking into an entire house. It takes me a moment to grow accustomed to the different lighting—the bulbs are different in this or something—but then I begin to see pieces of furniture dotted all over the room in perfect order. Two couches are set back against the wall closest to me. I run a finger down the soft leather edges, and take comfort in the fact that it’s real—not fake and fabricated and plasticy. Never feels the same. A small table with two chair is set off to my left, a bit askew with entire arrangement of the room. No doubt they have their reasons for that, too.
After I filter through the other normal stuff, like a desk and random chairs set around the room, I see the one thing I was really concerned about—or at least think I do. I walk past a couch and a chair that makes me want to sit for hours, sleeping the past hours off. In the far side of the room, on the opposite side of the table and desk and most everything else, there is a small table holding a vase with fresh roses. Actually fresh, real roses. Seems strange. And on each side of the table, a door. Like usual, they’re white and bear the symbol I only assume stands for Affinity.
My hand reaches for the knob of the left door. Something tells me the door leads into another room—an actual bedroom or something similar. Or at least, that is my hope. Before I can twist the handle, or even lay a hand on the smooth surface, a voice rings out from the other side of the door. The voice is close, close enough for me to tell it’s a girl—and she sounds familiar and yet distant in a way. Something tells me I knew or know this person who speaks from somewhere… but I can’t quite place it. Not yet.
The door bangs against the wall. Not any door I have touched, but the main door, the one I heard the talking from. My attention transmits completely over, and I walk over to where I could see the wall. Where I can see whoever moved the door.
“You can shut up now.” She sounds even more familiar as I come closer. “I want to go in here. No more dictation is required, thank you.”
And then I recognize her. Rounding the corner completely brings me where I can see the girl. She leans against the doorframe in a relaxed manner, and I remember she was who I spoke to while still lying on those cots before talking to Karsh and Keisha. It isn’t that I recognize her face as much as the way she holds herself, and her voice. Accusing. Angry. Aggressive.
“Why don’t you leave me—”
She stops abruptly when she sees me standing inside what she must think is her room. Her eyes narrow, and even though I see the hint of recognition in them—that she knows who I am, I think—her face still bears that irritated look, except worsened now.
“What is he doing in my bloody room?” She asks the question at Ques, who still isn’t faze at all by her attitude or questions. This seems like just another day at work for him, and nothing unusual. “Is a budget cramming you people for space or something?”
“He’s who you’ll be spending your time with—for now,” Ques says. He looks behind him, almost like he did when I was there at the door with him. “Why don’t you go in so I can take the next recruit home?”
She walks inside, showing her frustration with every step she makes, and then slams the door in Ques’ face. Apparently, the conversation with him is over with.
She turns around, and my face flickers between a smile and a grimace. “I, uh—hello, my name is—”
“You’re the guy who spoke up to Karsh, aren’t you?” Her voice isn’t quite as irritated now, a small questioning replacing it. “The only one that spoke after he told us not to?”
“Yeah, that would be me,” I say.
“Oh, well maybe you aren’t as ridiculous as the other people I’ve talked with today.” She steps away from the door and walks ever so slowly towards me, through the hallway and into the open room. She doesn’t look around. “What was your name, again?”
“Ally.” I find pleasure in saying the name one more time, and it slips off the tongue like I want it to. I don’t even have to think before speaking.
“Oh, dumb name,” she says. “I’m Avery.”
Author's note: Yeah, it's a bit shorter than usual and possible rougher. I just finished it, and didn't do my normal editing. So, here's hoping there isn't too much blatant stuff. :/
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
HELLO THERE TIMOTHYJAKE, GOOD TO READ MORE OF YOUR WORK! NOW ONTO THE REVIEW....(I LOVE USING CAPITAL LETTERS. MAKES EVERYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY!)
YAY THEY FINALLY MET AGAIN!!! *JUMPS UP AND DOWN WITH EXCITEMENT.....MENTALLY* (I'LL STOP USING CAPITAL LETTERS NOW....*SNIFFLES SADLY*) I can't literally jump up and down from excitement, cause I am exhausted from today's events xD This chapter was what I've been waiting for, they finally meet once again! I literally cannot wait to read your next chapter....okay I'll admit that I read your next chapter without reviewing this one, then came back to review =S Its not my fault though, that you kept me so interested. ITS YOUR FAULT!! XD
First off - Grammatical stuff..... your favorite I am guessing =P jk
You wrote -
'A small table with two chair is set off to my left, a bit askew with entire arrangement of the room. No doubt they have their reasons for that, too.'
I think you meant - 'A small table with two chairs are set off to my left, a bit askew with entire arrangement of the room. No doubt they have their reasons for that, too.' Since your talking about two chairs, not one =P
Thats all the actual grammar I saw wrong...
*reader side of my brain switches* I love Avery, she has to be my favorite character that you have made so far. My favorite part of this chapter was when you wrote -'“Ally.” I find pleasure in saying the name one more time, and it slips off the tongue like I want it to. I don’t even have to think before speaking.
“Oh, dumb name,” she says. “I’m Avery.”' It was awesome *laughs out loud as I roll on the floor, clutching my stomach*
Anyways, that is all I have to say for this chapter, bye!
~Selina
WHAT'S WRONG WITH SHOUTING, THOUGH.
I will have to fix that grammar issue there. >> Man, you're getting good at spotting them. xd And reading ahead is perfectly acceptable. :p Avery is actually most people's favorite character - probably because of her spirit.
Thank youuu for your review. They really do make me happy. :')
NOTHING. JUST KIND GETS ANNOYING. XD
THANK YOU I WILL READ AHEAD MWAHAHAHA
AVERY IS SOOO COOL <3
WELCOME Xd
(DOESNT THE CAPS GET ANNOYING AFTER AWHILE? =p)
Hey! Me again coming to review. Deal with it =P.
EEEKK!! There together! Yay! I love how they met. Its perfect. Heck that would be my reaction if this happened to me haha. Which lets all be thankful it won't. I love how she is telling Ques off when you first hear her. It suits her aggressive temperament. Especially since Ques was so calm about it. By the way, I like how it is the girl who has the aggressive attitude. Usually, books make the guy the one with the temper. Lets face it, as much as people think the girls are the sweet, delicate ones, those with sisters know better, eh? XD
When Ques was being all calm when she was blowing up in his face it made me like him all the more haha. You should get him to give Ally an apologetic look of some sort. That would be hilarious!
Don't worry about this chapter being short. It was still a fairly good size. By the way, that is something else I wanted to tell you. I really like the length of your chapters. When I get on it usually isn't for a long time so it is really nice to be able to read one of your works. Its just the right amount for me to have had enough of a good read to be able to review. Besides, sometimes when people have really long chapters (I am quite bad for that xD) I spend all of my time reading it and then I have to get off before I can review. Your length is perfect and I might have to start copying you with that on my novel. Shorter works, I mean. By the way...have you read my novel? I'm just curious, is all.
This Affinity group sure has something for the color white (I know white isn't a technical color. Lets just not get technical xD). I think it is cool that you kind of stamped white as 'their' color. Gosh, I would get dizzy if I were in a building surrounded with white everything haha.
You said this, I'll quote it for you for emphasize xD
This is a rough draft!?! I envy you very much. All I am going to say is ITS AMAZING. There I am done.
Next chapter here come!
FireBird99
You are so kind to me. :') And so wonderful, with your compliments. Really, you make me feel like sitting down and writing Affinity all night. heehee Yeeess, those people with sisters know better. They can be quite aggressive. xD I haven't read your book, but I meant to review it as I saw it... and then something happened. ><
Link me? I'd love to review and read it. c:
Just honesty, is all. You had better sit down all night and write it! I don't want to run out of them! Haha I figured you could relate to that =P. It should be in my portfolio...but I will try and get the link.
So I have been told this one is a bit of an info dump...but you can read it if you want. It might not stay.
Rise of the Fallen: Prologue
And this one I am currently fixing up a bit:
Rise of the Fallen: Chapter 1
Hope you enjoy=D
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
The door sliding gives me the image of it sliding into the wall or something like that. Which is why I was confused when you say it came to rest against a wall. If the door swings open, it would make more sense.
Yessss! They're finally together! And the meeting was just as awkward and silly as I thought it would be xD Perfect!
I think it's a good thing that you had Ally describe the room. I mean, I'm sure that Avery would've done a great job herself, but she'd be more focused on hating everything and being annoyed to really give us anything good. Ally seems completely open to everything going on, or at least accepting, so he is taking this better than Avery is.
This is where the fun part begins, yes? They've been showed to where they'll be living and they've met each other. The next step seems to be training and finally figuring out what the heck is going on. It'll be interesting watching the two of the go through that together, especially because they're so different.
This part was shorter, but that's okay. It needed to be shorter. I haven't read the next part yet, but I know that this is where you needed to stop it or else it would've been too long or not broken at the right place or something. I say there's never a need to apologize for shorter or longer chapters, or parts of chapters. That's just how it has to be in order for it to work for you. I think it's perfect length. We got to see the new living quarters and Ally met Avery. That's just enough for me
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
I kind of needed that reassurance for the length. I like keeping my novel chapters postings about 1500 words, but that never seems to work out. >< That sentence is veryyyy confusing - you're right. I will have to edit that one and fix 'er all up.
Thank youuu <3
Okay, Timmy, here's the deal. I'm about to binge review your novel hehe! It is seriously about time I caught up, so this is my attempt to get stuck in.
Nitpicks
Let's start by getting this little section (and I'll stress that it will be pretty little, because you're a great writer) out of the way.
I've just noticed that, when you use dashes, you don't space out the words either side. This may be personal preference, but I would put a space there. I can't say who's right, or if we're both right, just that it might be something to check for future reference. I know nothing at all of grammar. XD
Another thing, be careful with hyphenation. It's nothing glaring, but with in-between (especially in the context I saw it), I think it's two words. There was another one... oh yes, passage-ways . Passageways is all one word. Again, I'm fairly amateur when it comes to grammar, so you could just ignore me being picky.
Positives
Overall, I really enjoyed this and had no trouble reading it. The things I mentioned above didn't tarnish this piece's flow at all.
I like that Ally and Avery have finally (properly) met. It's exciting, as their relationship is bound to lead them to interesting places from here on out. I also think it's cool the way they sort of know each other anyway, before they talk. Avery knows it was Ally who spoke up and he also recognises her. That's promising, right? Their dynamic isn't like any I've read, so awesome job on that!
I think this quote is pretty indicative of what their relationship will be like. She's less irritable around him somehow. Maybe that's what they've been 'matched' for, his effect on her temper.
This chapter very effectively introduces the new setting, which I believe we'll see quite a bit more of. The room is like their private quarters, so that should bring up some interesting scenes later. You've done a good job on describing it, but not in too much detail. The best description is the door, the fact that the place is programmed to them. It's so clever, that I wish I had ideas like that.
That's all for this chapter! On to the next...
Thank you for your encouraging review!
Yeah, I agree. Passageways should have been one word. I will get around to editing that.
No problem. You've been far more helpful to me with IF
Oh, Pssssh. Don't underestimate you and your reviews. <3
Hai Timmy!
Okay, I am a little bit behind when it comes to reading Affinity. And maybe your works in general. But I am getting there!
Yes, this was a bit shorter than the usual chapters, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable to read. We get to see Avery meet Ally properly now, and we know they will be an Affinity even if they don't completely know it themselves. I am looking forward to seeing what the conversation between them will be like pretty soon. Highly entertaining I think, and we only got the beginning of it here! You also did a brilliant job of setting the scene and showing us the room without boring us - which is pretty much something that is difficult to do and many writers struggle with. So, good job there ^.^
I have a few nitpicks for you, but this review won't be too long because there really isn't much to say.
Okay, I will admit I did find this a bit weird. I know he is a new place and the light switch could be anywhere for all he knows... but really? He checked the floor before he double backed on himself and checked outside? I have never seen a light switch on the floor, but plenty of times outside. I would even try the clapping thing before I checked on the floor myself xD Maybe um, cut that last part there? It just seemed so odd and out of place to me.
I understood what you meant here, but the flow isn't as smooth as it could be. I rewrote it in one of the possible ways that would make it run better: only as long as the short moment it takes for me to walk its length. I have only added one or two small words in there, but it sounds much better this way
Are you missing something here? The bulbs are different in this what? Building, facility. room? Different colours?
You already know I am not too much a fan of having these half sentences unless they are done very well and are in the perfect place. For me, this wasn't one of them and should simply be put into a full sentence. Something like 'it never feels the same as the real thing' or something. A full sentence is often better than a half sentence
Okay, I think I understood Avery correctly, which made me surprised when I saw this here. Yes, Avery is an angry and confused girl, but she never struck me as someone so... well... as inconsiderate as this speech was! Ally only just got his name back after having it lost for so long, just like her with Avery. And then she comes and blasé says dumb name like it isn't supposed to hurt as well. Yes, it's perfectly fine to joke with friends, but Ally and Avery aren't friends yet, or good enough friends yet. Making this sentence seem cruel.
As for plot and everything apart from the small jump out of character, I really can't see anything else that needs improving. Plot is moving forwards, characters building and the pacing in the novel is perfection. Dialogue handled well and... I just can't wait to have the time to read the next chapter part!
Hope this was somewhat helpful xD
Deanie x
Thanks for the review, Livvy!
It was super helpful, and you found a lot of my nitpicks. Yayyyy. I will edit those... when I get around to editing. That one bit with Avery saying that was something I was concerned about, and wasn't sure. Most people seemed like they thought it was "her", but now I am not so sure. I think I will tweak it a bit to make it less cruel. 
Thank you.
Hi, Timmy. This is a few days late as I have been working or sick. So here I am finally. And dang, I missed my chance for the first review....which I have been doing for so long.
Soooo this one is good, even of the length is shorter than the rest. I lved it as it shows you don't have to have a longer chapter or part to make it really good.
My favorites:
Okay, I am going to split this one into parts because there is a lot I like about it. I like this first segment because it is showing that you can slowly integrate into a new surrounding. The last sentence is what made me think, what should he be concerned about in an empty room?
Okay, so the last 'half' of this favorite. This part is bigger because well it goes all together. The wanting to sit in the chair and just think and forget what has happened would be something I'd like to do also.
Though, one part how you wrote it made me confused. In the far side of the room, on the opposite side of the table and desk and most everything else, there is a small table holding a vase with fresh roses.[In the far side of the room, on the opposite side of the table and desk and most everything else, there is a small table holding a vase with fresh roses. I think I know what you mean but I'm still not sure about it. Clarification?
Okay, so the rest ofmy favorites. "Actually fresh, real roses." This doesn't sound right, to me Timmy. I think something like, "Roses, actually real and fresh." may sound better but hey yours can work too.
So, their small interaction at the end is neat. Slightly rude but hey still neat. But hey, its their first actual interaction now.
That's all I got it for you.
Bye Timmy,
Tulip.
Thank you for this amazing review, Tulip.
Yes, I see what you mean with your nitpicks and yessss, you are absolutely right and I will fix those. 
You're awesome <3 Being a few days late is perfectly fine. We all have lives. 
One quick question: The rudeness at the end. Did it seem out of character for Avery at all? Just curious. ^.^
Noooooo not all. It seemed perfectly her.
Hi, Timmy, dear. Here to review like I said I would.
I cannot believe how tired I am >.> so this review may not be as long as I would have hoped it to be. I will try my best just for you though -^^- hee hee. 300 reviews... here I come!
Now, I may be a dumb brunette... but, what? How do you know the door comes against the door if he cannot see where it is going? I would think that his gentle push wouldn't really know the door far, it would probably be only half way open. Plus, I don't get the whole "in darkness" thing. There is light in the corridor, correct? then some light will stream in won't it? Just a thought
Where is this wretched door? xD Honestly.
Opposite walls? How can the switch be opposite to plural walls? It must be an awkward shaped room. Plus, why would he try to "push it over", why not try to merely "push it".
Why not just have one Em-Dash? Two seems a bit pointless. Like so: "From the light peeking in from the outside, I see words etched into the plastic switch, and the top says: on. So I do as the switch says, flipping it up with one flick—and the room is engulfed in white light, illuminating everything.
I walk through the hall, taking baby steps. The walls are plain, without any pictures to cover their nakedness. Just white walls, and a white ceiling, and cool, white tiles beneath my bare feet."
I separated the other part because it was a different idea, or action. As he begins to walk in the room after switching on the light
"Goes for not too far"? That's a bit of a tongue twister xD Why not put "doesn't go to far"?
Ouch. I thought that was a bit strange. These people do so much to get these young ones to the Affinity center, so if there was a fire, why wouldn't they make so it is easy for them to escape and survive? It just feels a bit confusing. They want to make sure they are in good health to be used for *whatever*. So why not in case of a fire? Seems a bit odd.
*where everything is.
What would it be? A computerized version of a couch? xD
*Actual
Em-dash in the wrong place
I WAS RIGHT.
How wude >.> <.<
Hee hee. I really enjoyed this even though it was fairly short. I was so excited to read about who Ally was rooming with. I knew, just knew it would be her. Cannot wait to find out more!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you for this wonderful review, Heather.
They always help me sooo much and are so enjoyable to read. Your tips really help me out for this chapter, and the next. Always the next. And thank you for your encouraging words.
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