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Rise of the Fallen: Chapter 1

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THE RISE OF THE FALLEN
CHAPTER ONE
Avalon ran as fast as she could, trying to make it to the tavern before it was too late. The rumours that were flying around couldn’t be true but deep down she knew they were. She caught glimpses of women scurrying away with their little ones. The horror on some of the younger children’s faces was all she needed to know to confirm her own nightmares. She doubled her pace with a new surge of speed. Her stomach twisted into a knot of worry. Out of all the times she had been frightened in the past it didn’t quit hurt as much as it did then. She prayed silently that it wasn’t her brother being imprisoned, that it was some stranger she didn’t know. Her prayers gave her little comfort though; she knew why he was being taken by the king’s men. So did everyone else.
You see, a disease had suddenly spread only months before; a disease that killed woman, men, children and livestock by starting off as a fever and then slowly it rotted the flesh off of their bones. It left nothing untouched. There had already been an unaccountable amount of deaths among the townspeople, mostly the peasants and poor farmers that couldn’t afford the cure. There was a cure and yet the man who owned it sold it to the highest bidder. The price always ranged more than the common folk and a few of the lesser lords could afford. Countless lives had been lost that could have been saved with the mixture of expensive herbs left to sit in a dusty safe hold. The man who possessed the cure was none other than King Tergin. Her mother’s miraculous recovery from the disease wasn’t just a streak of luck. No, her brother had snuck into the castle without permission and he had stolen the cure that was worth more than many lives. Avalon remembered begging him to forget the foolish idea. She had pleaded in vain. Now, he was being taken for his crime and she knew she could do nothing about it. He would die, that was the sacrifice for her mother’s life.
He had told her that he had to leave home. He knew that the king’s hunters were after him. He had dodged them all the way from the castle. After giving her the cure that he had stolen for their mother, he vanished with no warning. He didn’t want the hunters to find his family. He knew that if he was found in their presence, it would be the death of them also.
She opened the tavern door with shaky hands. The scene before her made the blood drain from her face; the knots in her stomach grew. There knelt Keth being bound hand and foot in shackles by a royal bounty hunter. His face was bloody and bruised. A few of the guards turned their heads at her entrance. One of them whispered something to the bounty hunter, causing him to look behind him, directly at Avalon.
A shiver went down her spine, “What right do you have to arrest him?” she demanded barely above a whisper. She tried to make her voice sound confident but her attempt had failed hopelessly.
The bounty hunter ignored her question, instead, he asked her a question of his own, “Are you the one he used the cure on?”
He had a much stronger build, far stronger than she. He could overpower her within seconds. He was dressed in black leather pants and shirt with studded leather boots. He wore a black cloak with the emblem representing a royal bounty hunter, working for the king or some other minion that could pay a high price. The hood of the cloak was drawn over his head, but, it did not stop her from noticing his penetrating black eyes that bore into her own. He was a sight to give even the fearless of people the edge of caution.
Her gaze wandered to Keth, he was frightened for her, more frightened for her life than his own. He shook his head so lightly that only she could have noticed it. He was warning her, telling her to choose her next words wisely, “No.”
The bounty hunter grunted before turning back to Keth, “Is she telling the truth?”
“Yes,” he replied forcing himself to meet the man’s eyes.
The man’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “So you admit that you stole the cure?”
Keth hesitated, he was aware that he had been seen by a servant as he left the king’s safe hold. He was aware that he had been identified, there was no use trying to conceal the truth. He had been waiting for this day for weeks now. He knew that no matter how much hiding he did, he would eventually be caught. All fugitives of the empire were, all but the legendary rangers.
Rangers were banished from all of Darankia. Years ago they had been allies to the kingdom. That was until the heir to the throne, Prince Tergin, gained the authority after the assassination of his father. His hatred for one ranger in particular, named Emereck, nurtured his rage to wipe out all connections with them. He ordered his men to kill every one of the rangers, whether they were loyal or not, he did not care. A war brewed between the two forces and death was dealt out for both sides. This battle is now called The Forsaken Fallen. The remaining rangers went into hiding calling themselves The Brand. Now years later, the very existence of them is but a dim memory.
Ma was safe and healthy that’s all he asked for. That’s all he cared about. His eyes met the man’s, he answered, “Yes.”
“Excellent. You are a wise young man. No use causing yourself any more trouble than what is necessary. It is a shame, of course, that you chose this path. You would have made good material for the king’s army.”
“Stop,” Avalon said, trying to steady her voice. It was hard. Her voice was ready to crack at any moment. Drawing her sword, she approached the hunter. She knew she was out matched but she didn’t care. She was ready to die for her brother.
It wasn’t the threatening black blade that peered up at her from his side that made her double guess her actions. It was the fact that he sat there, staring at her. No, not staring, daring her to make a move. His men began to close in but he waived them away.
Heart pounding, she remained where she was. Her blade pointed at his chest. She wondered if she could kill him before he could draw his sword. The way he sat there, so sure of his safety made her feel queasy. Then suddenly he whipped his hand out and gripped her arm so hard that she had no choice but to drop her weapon. It fell to the ground with a clatter. So fast were his actions she hardly had time to defend herself.
He forced her to her knees, drew his sword and rested it underneath her chin. She felt the cold metal pressed up against her throat. He stared at her through scrutinizing eyes, “If I’m followed, I will have no qualms about killing you. Do I make myself clear?”
“Crystal clear,” her voice cracked. She dared not move. If she did, his weapon would cut her. He gave her one last long stare before retreating.
He pushed Keth forward none too kindly, causing him to nearly collide into Avalon. He was then dragged out of the tavern by two guards. By the looks on their faces, Keth was no light load. He was not over weight but he did have a solid build that would cause a few aching shoulders. If they would have just let them walk they would have saved themselves much trouble but they wouldn’t miss the opportunity to make an example of him.
Avalon watched helplessly as he was being physically beaten by the men. She wish she could stop them but she knew the only way to help Keth would be to wait. Wait until it wasn’t a losing battle. She would see him again, whether it be in the afterlife or not.
“What will happen to him?” she asked.
The remaining guards began to chuckle but the bounty hunter gave no sign of amusement. His face held a grave motionless expression, “That is up to the king to decide but I will tell you one thing. Death would be a reward, after he is done with him he will be wishing he was never born.”
Her body began to tremble. He was so sure, so positive. She felt as if her world was just beginning to be built and now someone was tearing it apart with no mercy. She blinked back the tears that stung her eyes; she wouldn’t let them see her cry. She refused to give them the pleasure to see her more helpless. The man lowered his gaze and brushed past her. He issued a few orders to the guards who were still drinking their fill of mead. They quickly gulped down the remaining alcohol and rushed outside, only a few spared her a glance of pity.
They hauled her brother to a wagon and shoved him in there, securing his shackles to an iron chain. The wagon looked as if it were meant for caging the most ferocious animal known out there. To the king, it was only imprisoning another pesky peasant who held less respect than a flea. She could no longer hold her tears; they flowed down her cheeks like a current. She met her brother’s gaze, his eyes were proud. He wasn’t ashamed of his crime. He was glad to have done what he did. If given the chance he would have done it again.
He was standing and blood was running down through his hair. His hands were gripping the cage for support and his brown eyes were memorizing the town he had grown up in. He knew he wasn’t coming back.
As the wagon drove away he gazed at her without a single tear on his face. He was brave, much braver than she. “Take care of Ma for me, would you?”
She wanted to run to him, to help him escape. She knew it was of no use, they would just throw her in there like a caged animal. What’s the matter with slaughtering a few peasants; after all, there were millions more out there. No, she had to return home and tell mother and father what had happened. She had to inform them that they would no longer have a son.
She stared after them even after they had disappeared from view. He was gone, that was all she could think about. Her brother was gone. Finally, when the sky began to darken, a hand touched her shoulder lightly. It was only then that she realized the townspeople were watching her. Some watched with pity evident on their face and others looked at her with suspicion. The crowd was made up of mostly men, a few women who didn’t have children to take care of and the odd pesky child who escaped from his mother’s protective arms.
Darius, the smith of Javen, stood behind her. For as long as she remembered he had always been a good family friend. He was something close to an uncle to her. He had been there from the beginning. There was more than one time that he offered a hand with the many chores of running a farm, while only taking a fair portion of the crop. He even took Keth on as an apprentice for a few years to instruct him in the many arts of blacksmithing. There was never a time that Avalon didn’t feel as if she could trust him with her secrets. Only now did she realize there was nothing that even he could do to help her brother. Keth’s life depended upon a higher authority, an authority that demanded his death.
He was looking down at her with pity, “Come along now Ava, there is nothing more you can do. Your folks couldn’t have heard the news. They aren’t close enough to have heard the rumours that are going about.” He was of average height but he was as thick and muscled as most smiths. His tone was solemn, but this was usual. He always was serious and realistic.
“I know,” she said softly. He was right as always, there was nothing she could do,
Darius sighed, “He chose, Avalon, he chose to sacrifice his life for your mother’s. Who knows perhaps King Tergin will find mercy somewhere in his heart.”
Avalon looked up and said bitterly, “The king doesn’t have a heart.”
The crowd began to disperse. It was getting late and the excitement was over. A few people came to give her their sympathies. She tried to keep a straight face for them but the tears were pressing down on her like currents.
A silence grew between them before Darius began to depart saying, “The soldiers took your horses for the men to ride. Apparently, they were attacked by bandits and two of their horses were killed. Go now and borrow the chestnut in the far stall. His name is Baefire.”
“Thank-you,” she whispered. Another tear slid down her face.

Comments & reviews · 12
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User avatar
IceWinifredd
Review

Hello Firebird99!


I can't help but feel as though I've read this before. The king's name really sounds familiar. Have you written another version of the story somewhere? Well, anyways, I really enjoyed this chapter. Aside from the spelling errors the other kindly pointed out down below, I think you've got a very well done chapter here. Oh yeah and just tweak the dialogue a bit to make fit the time of the story better. It's not quite there yet for me. Still, it's an awesome read and I hope you have lots of reader who'll enjoy this as much as I did! Have an awesome afternoon! -IceWinifredd

Thanks for the review! No, I haven't written it anywhere else but this site. I did have a prologue with his name in it but I cut that part out. =)

Ahhh, okay then. :) And you're very welcome!

User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:37 pm

hello hi

you've introduced an interesting setting. I'm curious to not only discover more about Ava, but also these Rangers, and the mysterious disease on top of that. I can't say this chapter doesn't lack promise.

My largest issue with it though is the haste with which all these interesting things are presented. It seems as if you weren't clear who to focalize on, so chose to focalize on everyone. The chapter begins with Ava as point-of-view character. Then it switches to an external narrator that addresses the reader directly:

You see, a disease had suddenly spread only months before; (...)


and after that it focuses on Keith's thoughts and emotions

Ma was safe and healthy that’s all he asked for. That’s all he cared about. His eyes met the man’s, he answered, “Yes.”


then it's back to Ava. I would have preferred it if the chapter stuck to one point of view character. It's not that switching so fluidly is bad, but from what I've seen it requires a slow paced narration, perhaps even none whatsoever, for it to appear seamless. But it is not so here, on the contrary.

I felt, as it is now, my eye was forced to glance at a picture, then quickly zoom away to another, and another. Pretty as each picture may have been, I didn't appreciate any which one fully. The action here is fast-paced, there's running, tears, fear, desperation. These all are good things. I encourage you to sustain the tension throughout and to the end of the chapter.

I don't think you'd even have to sacrifice all the information given, just present it differently. In the situation she's in right now, Ava is distressed and worried. From what I've seen she's the emotional type, so a million thoughts are most likely flying through her head. Thoughts of a plague, for example. And a rash brother who stole the cure for it. They probably won't be clear thoughts that begin and finish, but they're there, and much more authentic.

I like beginning stories in the way this chapter started because there's action and drama right off the bat. I use these as expedients to get into the character's head right away. This last part you didn't capitalize on, but it could be powerful. My recommendation, in short, is to cut all the parts that aren't Ava and filter the information presented through her mind's eye. You might notice everything becomes much more vivid. I bet on it.


to the nitpicks, and other unimportant details.

The bounty hunter ignored her question, instead, he asked her a question of his own, “Are you the one he used the cure on?”


I liked this part because, though it seemed to me incongruous at first sight, it makes me believe that the fact people can be cured, or those people, are relevant. I wonder if my hunch is correct.

I am also curious why Darius would send Ava after the soldiers. It seems suicidal. She's not trained to deal with similar situations, any protective person would keep her as far away from the action as possible. Maybe he feels the 'bandits' are a cause for hope. I wonder if he'll be a relevant character too later on.

What struck me less positively were those three closing lines. It's funny, my italian professor recently told me not to close essays with random moralist statements. She said they sound cheesy and ruin the validity of everything before. I feel that's the case here. It doesn't help they're not even said by Ava, judging by the tenses. They have little to do with the story and, honestly, you can probably cut them and still have a strong ending.
Go now and borrow the chestnut in the far stall. His name is Baefire.”

^I think that would be a really cool way of closing, for example. I like this sentence.


All in all you have something strong here. It intrigues me to the point I want to read more, which I hope to see.
-Ita

Thank you so much for your review. You have many strong points that I will have to take into consideration. What part was it that you thought I made Darius send Avalon to the soldiers? I'm just curious because I never meant for him to, so I would like to rephrase whichever paragraph that is so that my other readers don't get that impression to =) Thank you again.

"Go now and borrow the chestnut in the far stall. His name is Baefire.%u201D


maybe that was just me misinterpreting, but I thought that meant go (after the soldiers), like, save your brother.

Okay thanks! If you look a few paragraphs up he tells her to go tell her parents what happened. ;)

snap, I'm silly

Happens to the best of us xD

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy heeeere

This was much more enjoyable to read than the previous part, and it was such a sad beginning! ;_; I think if you took out the prologue and inserted it elsewhere, allowing this part here to become the first thing the readers see, your book would benefit. This chapter snags the attention of the reader than most first chapters I see, successfully pulling me into the story and helping me feel concern for the character. Great concern, too. Only the first chapter and it feels as though her entire life has been ripped from beneath her - her brother being taken for possible execution (or worse). I wonder what she'll do, what she'll say to her parents. :/ That would be so hard, being the bearer of those news. Especially for the mother: "Hey, Mark is going to be executed for saving your life." That bit of news would tear her mom apart, I think. I hope Tauriel (this sooo reminded me of The Hobbit, although Tauriel is a new character just for the movie which is meh. ><) finds some way of presenting it to her parents, ah, delicately. Otherwise, her mother is not only going to cry for weeks, but also bear a mental shame of being the reason (well, indirectly) her son was executed or worse. I guess I'll find out! c:

Tauriel ran as fast as she could, trying to make it to the tavern before it was too late. The rumours that were flying around couldn’t be true but deep down she knew they were.


So you have this part. ^^

Your folks couldn’t have heard the news; they aren’t close enough to have heard the rumours that are going about.”


How come her parents didn't hear the rumors, but Tauriel did? I am assuming they were together and all, since her mother had been super sick and everything. If not, then be sure to clarify. And if she was with her parents, then she needs a messenger to tell her.

she demanded barely above a whisper


Comma after demanded

She tried to make her voice sound confident but her attempt had failed hopelessly.


Comma after confident

She knew she was out matched but she didn’t care.


Comma after matched And outmatched is one word. c:

His men began to close in but he waived them away.


Comma after in

So I've pulled out a few places in this chapter where you have a slight problem with commas. Not something to worry too much about, because we all have them. There's only one way to get past these kinds of things, and while I know you know them already, I'll tell you, anyway. Actually, there are a few. When you're reading other books, look at their comma placement, how they're positioned in the sentence. Eventually, you will automatically insert commas in all the correct places, but it takes practice, too. The more you write, the less errors of that kind you'll make. Also, I've found reviewing has helped me with knowing where to place commas. The continual writing down of thoughts always helps because our minds put breaks in the appropriate places. A tip: If you ever want to know if there's a comma missing in a certain place, read it out-loud. It helps me every time, because my mind pauses and stops at all the correct places. This tutorial also has quite a few tips I reference often. c:

The paragraph explaining the rangers? Cut it. Yup. What it does is, while giving us essential information, it breaks the thought process of the piece - breaks the scene. We were flowing along, deep into this scene - the characters and plot building around us. And then you threw some information at us almost completely irrelevant to the moment. In a low tension, easy-going scene with almost nothing going on, it's okay to throw that kind of thing at the reader. But this is intense! And what you did there was shatter that tension, and lead your readers away from the story being told at hand to fill our minds with information that could wait. Throw a snippet in there to tell the reader what you're talking about - sure. But that's it. Keep the focus on the story in the present. Rangers can wait.

Who knows perhaps King Tergin will find mercy somewhere in his heart.”


You got two sentences thehe. o.o Betteh punctuate them propehly.

He was of average height but he was as thick and muscled as most smiths.


Sometimes I like your descriptions (such as the one of the bounty hunter. That sent chills down my spine), but with some I lack a picture. What is average height? When you think about it, average height changes wherever you go. Instead of that, why not try to describe how he is compared to her. It's always a good idea to use the relation the reader already has with the MC - Tauriel - and describe another character, throwing in little bits such as I stood to his shoulder or His hand swallowed mine. You're using what we already know of Tauriel to describe something else - which helps to establish the picture even better. c:

So this was amazing, as I said before. It was a wonderful first chapter, and did such an amazing job sucking me into the story. Now I want to know the answers to so many questions you proposed here! And you have more sad times coming up. ;_; I really wonder how she is going to tell her parents, and what is going to happen to Mark. Just from this short introduction to his character, you've done a great job building him up. I can see who he is in just this part.

Looking forward to Chapter II alreadyyyyy
~Darth Timmyjake

Thank you so much for the review, Timothy. It really helps. As you can see, grammar is definitely not my strong suit haha. Thanks for letting me know where those commas should be. I will change that soon.
The reason why Tauriel (Don't worry, that was only a temporary name. I just really liked it =) heard and her parents didn't is explained in the next chapter a bit. Which I am going to put part of the second chapter up soon. About the rangers paragraph....I see what you mean. I will take it out and try fit it in somewhere else. I wasn't sure if it flowed or not but it was nice to get someone else's opinion.
I like how your in suspense. hehe
Thanks for the amazing tips! I really appreciate them. =)
Annie

(Just curious, what does the 'Darth' stand for in your signature?)

I used to have a black cape on my Calvin avvie and someone called me a sith lord... so I put it in my signature and it got some humorous comments. xD So it stuck. :p

Oh haha. That's hilarious!

User avatar
EscaSkye
Review

Hey, FireBird! I'm back to review the first chapter.

Okay, my issue about this chapter is something that's been repeated in earlier reviews: I feel as if Tauriel gave in quickly or accepted Mark's fate all too easily. Considering she was running to the tavern in the opening scene, I would have guessed she had something up her sleeves to help her brother; if not help him, maybe go into a fit of rage and give the hunters a hard time in taking Mark away or something. Well, despite that, I still find her realistic, so that's good.

I've got a question about Mark, since it is a little funny to see him still in town when he knew that someone recognized who he was at the safe hold. Did he stay there on purpose so as not to bring his family down with him? I mean, considering his identity's known, did he have this vague idea that the hunters will look for him in the case he did run away, possibly killing his family in the process as a way of punishment? If that's the case, he's heroic and I applaud him. I may find it even sadder if that was the case.

That aside, here's some nitpicks I'd like for you to see:

She caught glimpses of woman scurrying away with their little ones.

That should be "women".

If they would have just let them walk they would have saved themselves much trouble but they wouldn’t miss the opportunity to make an example of him.

I believe you meant "him".

There was never a time that Tessella didn’t feel as if she could trust him with her secrets.

You mentioned that you're in the middle of a name change, so I figured I'd add this in here as well. I think this is the only slip in using her old name now.

Darius, the smith of---------, stood behind her.

I'm sorry, but I still have an issue with this. I hope you put a name there soon, because the placeholder sort of brought me out of it for a while.

Overall, I liked this chapter, as I got to see a bit more about what happens when someone goes against the king as well as what the normal reactions are. Also, I found myself quite relieved to see that not all the guards were ruthless, and that some actually felt remorse for what they were doing, or if not that, at least had pity for the affected family members. I honestly found this one is more enjoyable than the prologue as more action is happening, plus, I got a good grasp who may come out as a recurring cast member. Maybe even a main character? Haha.

Well, good luck, Fire, and keep writing!

PS: Would you mind if I ask you to ping me whenever you update so that I could review the following chapters as well?

Thanks for the review! I have to thank you. I as currently trying to figure out why Marc would be at the tavern. I might just have to steal that idea =P. I have also written a little clip of Tauriel giving the hunters a hard time. I just haven't added it yet. As for the prologue, I think I will take that out and try and fit bits and pieces of it in to my chapters.
I will definitely let you know when my next chapter is out. Thanks for asking!

FireBird99

Thanks for the review! I have to thank you. I as currently trying to figure out why Marc would be at the tavern. I might just have to steal that idea =P. I have also written a little clip of Tauriel giving the hunters a hard time. I just haven't added it yet. As for the prologue, I think I will take that out and try and fit bits and pieces of it in to my chapters.
I will definitely let you know when my next chapter is out. Thanks for asking!

FireBird99

User avatar
steampowered
Review

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I enjoyed reading this and I’m very interested to find out what happens next. However, you have a tendency to put a little too much information into the story – telling, rather than showing. For example, in the first paragraph:

Tauriel ran as fast as she could, trying to make it to the tavern before it was too late. The rumours that were flying around couldn’t be true but deep down she knew they were. She caught glimpses of woman scurrying away with their little ones. The horror on some of the younger children’s faces was all she needed to know to confirm her own nightmares. She doubled her pace with a new surge of speed. Her stomach twisted into a knot of worry. Out of all the times she had been frightened in the past it didn’t quite hurt as much as it did then. She prayed silently that it wasn’t her brother being imprisoned, that it was some stranger she didn’t know. Her prayers gave her little comfort though; she knew why he was being taken by the king’s men. So did everyone else. Her mother’s miraculous recovery from the plague wasn’t just a streak of luck. No, her brother had snuck into the castle without permission and he had stolen the cure that was worth more than many lives. Tauriel remembered begging him to forget the foolish idea. She had pleaded in vain. Now, he was being taken for his crime and she knew she could do nothing about it. He would die, that was the sacrifice for her mother’s life.


Personally, I think it would be more interesting for the reader if you get rid of most of this, and let them slowly work it out for themselves. After the bit beginning “She prayed silently” you’ve explained why Tauriel is running, which spoils it somewhat. Perhaps you could give some hints through her thoughts as to what is happening, such as:

Please don’t let it be him. Let it be a stranger instead.

Mark hesitated, he knew that he had been seen and recognized by a servant as he left the king’s safe hold. He knew he had been identified, there was no use trying to conceal the truth. He had been waiting for this day for weeks now. Besides, Ma was safe and healthy that’s all he asked for. That’s all he cared about. “Yes.”


A servant actually recognised a common peasant? If the king’s safe hold is miles away, how is that even possible? Besides, if he had been expecting to be arrested, I’d have thought he’d have tried to leave earlier, and surely would have had the sense to stay away from the tavern. Just a thought.

Moving on, I was a little surprised that Tauriel is so passive when her own brother is being dragged away to his death. I’d have thought she’d have tried to do something, or defended Mark in some way – even screamed or wept. I know she’s scared, but she seemed to be a little too accepting of Mark’s arrest.

As you seem to have decided to change Tauriel’s name, I won’t mention the fact that Tauriel is a character out of Lord of the Rings. Tess is a good name for a character though, and it goes well with the name Mark (I wouldn’t have thought parents would have named their children Mark and Tauriel, but Mark and Tess, maybe) On the other hand, Tessella sounds a bit… princess-y?

Its hood was drawn over his head


Do you mean “HIS hood”?

And “thank-you” should be “thank you.” I’m a little unsure about the ending; is the horse for Tauriel to ride after the soldiers, or so she can go home and tell her parents what has happened? I’m assuming the latter, but maybe it needs to be made clearer? Also, wouldn’t Darius be a little more sympathetic, if he has such charisma?

I liked this chapter though, and I’m interested to find out what happens next. Will Tauriel / Tess attempt to rescue Mark, or will she take a completely different route? Feel free to let me know when the next chapter is up, and I will definitely read and review it! :D

Thanks for pointing out those things. I'll have to work on it. I wll let you know when the next chapter comes out! =)

User avatar
MissGangamash
Review

I like where this is going and am wondering how this all fits in with what happened in the prologue because these are a set of whole new characters. I noticed that Flite else pointed out the little mix up with the names, that got me a little confused XD

And I also agree with Flite about Mark being so easily caught. Surely he would have tried to hide? But on the other hand, maybe he felt that his mother's life was more important than his own and he knew that an attempt to disappear would be futile? Because he seemed so strong when he was being taken away, he obviously expected it to happen.

Anywayyy, good start and I'm looking forward to reading more :)

Great work! Let me know when the next chapter it up please.

Thanks! I am still working on what Flite pointed out. Haha it will take a little thinking. Thanks again and I'll let you know =)

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Nightshade21
Review

Hi night here for a review. I'm going to keep this review shirt cayse I'm tired.

Only thing I saw wrong was that just don't infor dump, combine the info into your other sentences that way the reader gets better look at what's inside the character/your story.

Also id like to see more history and background of the hunters that way the reader can learn more.

Other than that I loved your characters and plot line and can't wait to read more from you :)

Thank you so much =)

User avatar
Apricity
Review

Heyo Fire! I'm back again! I have to say that this chapter was far more enjoyable than the prologue. Which sort of makes my point that I don't think the prologue is really needed, you could have explained the plague here as well. But it is your choice, so I will move on with my review. (Disclaimer: I'm writing this in a tablet, and has no autocorrect, so I apologize for any spelling mistakes.)

I actually quite like the character development here, it was way better than the prologue so I'm really happy to see that. I love the way how Tauriel's character has been set up, despite that eight now she seems lightly generic but she is a realistic character. One thing I'm interested is that, would Tauriel would have let Mark go that easily? Another question that popped into my mind warm once Mark stole that cure, why didn't he find a way to protect himself from potential hunters? He must have known that this would happen, why was he still hanging out in a popular setting like a tavern.

This happened in the prologue as well, the opening was good but I don't know where Tauriel came from or why Mark was in a tavern. Is it because they had to be there, why aren't their parents with them? Without the context of the situation, we can't fully get a grasp of what is happening. There is a lot of action in this chapter but not enough history behind it to give it the groundwork it needs.

Look at the scene with the bounty hunters and Mark, I found that scene somewhat unrealistic due to several reasons. Why are the bounty hunters so nice to Tauriel, they actually answered her questions? If the prince is heartless, I would thought the men he hired would reflect that. Why did the bounty hunters asked Mark if that was the truth, he could have lied.

Also, try and avoid using the same simile or metaphor twice in the same chapter. Repetition of such things doesn't strengthen the image but actually dampen it, strive to find another metaphor or simile to describe that situation.

Don't info dump on characters either, that paragraph on Darius can be incorporated into the way he talks and interacts with Tauriel, and where did Tess come from? I didn't see a Tess for the entire duration of this chapter.

Overall, I like where this is going but you need to start thinking about providing the readers with the history behind your story, and give us more insights into your character's head. Remember what I talked about in the prologue, bring out their specific qualities and not qualities we might find off a character profile sheet.

Best of luck, if you have any questions, please let me know.

-Flite

Thank you for your review! I get where you are coming from with everything. I will have to devise a plan and fix things up =). As for the 'Tess', I am in he middle of a name change lol. That was her name before. I will have to fix that up =P.
Once again, thanks. Especially for typing all of that out on a tablet. That would have been a pain =).



Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson