Darkness greets me. Nothing else.
I don’t know how long I have been laying here for. How many hours I have sweltered away on this narrow cot, unable to think properly with this, this thing attached to my face. Covering my mouth, releasing putrid gases through a tube into the air—gases that make my eyes grow lax, and my mind falter.
The straps attach to my wrist and ankles, the smooth ropes chafing my flesh, rubbing it raw as I try to move. They hold me down. To what, I do not know. The darkness even conceals what I am strapped to, and the floor beneath.
To my right, I hear a cough—one subtle noise, barely penetrable through the fog of sluggishness. I almost dismiss the noise as a figment of my imagination, but the same noise echoes on my left. Not a coincidence.
I am not alone.
My mind tries to put together the last few hours, to decipher the code of the preceding moments. How I got here, in this world of emptiness. In this room that seems full of people, and yet feels so empty.
The attempt is mind-racking—somewhat literally. It’s like I am sorting envelopes without addresses, lost in a place I don’t know. Nothing seems to bring a memory, the fragile attempts only frustrating my already discouraged mind. Perhaps the gasses are messing with me yet again, that foul air even corrupting my memory.
But something tells me that this is different. This isn’t a memory forgotten. I feel like a piece of myself is missing—stolen. Like someone has pulled apart my mind and removed everything happy. Everything that made me whole.
A light flickers above me. A row of soft fluorescents—ancient technology, but still considered adequate by the government—begins to glow. The bulbs slowly warm up, until they sheds an ample beam of white light across the entire room, blinding me.
For the next few moments, I blink rapidly, trying unsuccessfully to rid myself of the black spots dancing in front of my eyes. Edges and colors intermix until the entire room looks like a child’s drawing projected out in front of me. The steel-paneled walls move as if vibrating, the concrete floor swaying beneath me.
But I can still see clearly enough to see the people around me. Rows of them, all still, so deathly motionless, that I begin to wonder if they are even alive. But I notice the ropes tying them down at each moveable limb. Just like me. White jumpsuits create a stark contrast against the black mask against their face—the masks that we must live and breathe through.
“Welcome to the ASDF facility.” A single voice rings out, seeming to echo in the deathly quiet room. A monotone voice, almost robotic.
No one answers the voice, but I can hear the tension build. Confusion overpowering whatever emotion felt before. ASDF facility? What the hell is that?
“Where are we, again?” I say before I can stop myself. My voice cracks.
“If you weren’t paying attention the first time, you won’t listen now. I am not going to repeat myself. Don’t speak unless spoken directly to.” The voice is hard this time, no hint of friendliness woven into it—not like I expect any, though. My vision is now clear enough for me to see the speaker, and I focus on him, once I find his figure standing at attention in the front of the room.
At first sight, the only think I can think of is: He’s big. His arms are pulled behind him, like a general inspecting his troops—muscular biceps, triceps and other muscles I cannot name straining against his clothes. He paces in front of the room with a confident stride, plain grey jumpsuit fitting his V-form perfectly—not standard issue. His clothing are spotless and hair cut short to reveal an open face, and a really large, blocky nose, yet free of any skin blemish.
Save for one.
A large scar etches its way down his forehead, fading out as it approaches his neck. I do not even want to know how he got it.
While he maintains an easy going expression, I can see the intensity behind his eyes. Even his attempted smile, seeming like it was plastered on his face, cannot instill any good feelings in me. It is forced. The thoughts behind them are much different from any initial impression one might acquire from him.
As are mine.
Other voices clamor in confusion, trying to make their voice heard above the din. I hear soprano and alto voices, those of girls. Base and tenor voices, those of boys. So much noise drowns out any room for thought—almost. One thing surfaces amongst the confusion. Every voice is young, like mine.
At least I think I am young. I cannot remember.
“SILENCE!”
The room falls to a deathly hush, so quiet that I could hear the scraping sound of his boots as he walks in-between our cots. Marches down the aisle without looking at us. Without saying another word—until he gets to the other side, where I cannot see him.
“You have been selected among young people in the entire world. Of all of them, you are the best. You show cunningness, skill, strength—and no small degree of intelligence. Let’s hope you can show it.”
There is slight murmuring to this. If it is of anger, I do not know. My own mind is blown away by the information. This material that I am being fed, something that I am expected to believe and understand. Selected for what?
“What have we been selected for?” A voice bearing a soft English accent speaks up. The speaker lays beside me. She looks just like I feel—stretched out on a steel cot, with a mask over her face. Totally uncomfortable, and completely lost.
“Did I give you permission to speak?” Even though I cannot see him now, even though I strain my neck, I can hear the anger, the ominous undertone. I hold my breath, expecting the worse. Expecting for his boots to beat their way across the room, where the culprit lay.
But he remains where he stands. He doesn’t come after her like I envisioned, and I exhale. Why I feel relief for a complete stranger, I do not know. In this world of doubt, it feels good to have someone who thinks similarly to me. Who isn’t afraid to speak up, at least once.
But she doesn’t speak again, and neither does he.
The silence that follows is so depressing, the quiet bearing down on me. The only thing that rises above the deafening hush is the breathing, the sound that seems so small and insignificant until everything else stops. The one thing that never rests.
A few moments later, a door swings open. Hinges emits a high pitched whine as it closes, latching behind him. I hear the deadbolt close and then the boots fade away in the distance.
End of chapter
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Hello there TimmyJake! Your fellow nerd here to review some of your work *weird tongue sticking out face* Finally my mind has decided to unclog and let me start reviewing again! I haven't reviewed much in these last couple weeks because I haven't been able to concentrate on anything. It sucks xD Now though, I am in the mood to review again and I decided to start with your story since I haven't reviewed it yet....sorry again about that. As I've said, I am no good at pinpointing stuff that is wrong with things, big things yes but small grammatical things skip right past me =( Probably as a result of my hyper sanguine (not sure if that is spelt right.... :/) temperment.
Anyways, onto the review....
First off - HOLY COW YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER! You kept me entertained until the very end, never took my eyes off of the page. Still can't *eyes glued to computer screen* I love your style of writing, and admire your ability to be able to write in the first person. Some people, like myself, have trouble with that. Some people rock at it, and thats all they can write. I think your other story is in the third person, if I am not mistaken, so you can do both. Good for you, that is awesome! *clears throat* Anyways, continuing on... I liked the length of your story's chapters. I am easily destracted and am not able to really stay focused for long periods of time, so your chapters are the perfect length for me =) Plus, I read them whenever I get away from chores and school so it works out perfectly *big thumbs up*
Pinpointing stuff - I can seriously not find much stuff that is wrong with it. It was really good! A few tiny things I would suggest is : #1 - Maybe combine some of your paragraphs together? (Just a suggestion, they are a good length if thats what you like). I just find that even for my short attention span, your paragraphs are a little short =)
#2 - Your writing is very well done, but there is just a little something missing. I think it might be description words... I have read some books that sound like yours, and I have enjoyed them alot. Everyone has their own style of writing. But using a couple more description words might help to...I don't know....lighten it? Make it flow better, I think. *Suggestion - Maybe when the English girl speaks and he looks over at her, maybe describe somewhat of what she looks like..? Like the color of her hair... was it red or brown? ect. Or the color of her skin....black? White? Tanned? Ya know? =)
*Remember, it is just a suggestion. Your story is fine how it is, but I just am giving some ideas because sometimes even the smallest thing can spark an idea in your head. =) Lots of times for me, reading other people's reviews on my story sparks a idea in my head of what this or that should look like or be.
This story is very good so far! Don't give up on it, it could go far! KEEP WRITING SO I CAN READ MORE AND MORE!
Seeya on the second chapter! *evil grin as I back away slowly into the dark, disappearing from sight*
~Selina
You know, it's rare that I actually enjoy reading the reviews people give me - like have fun reading them. Aaaand this was one of those few where I was smiling and laughing throughout. THANK YOU.
And you helped me, as usual. And your compliments. :')
Thank you, Selina. This review makes me mucho happy. ^^
xD Welcome. I am on a reviewing spurt so your gonna get a lot of my reviews. Love your story by the way <3
Hey Timmy! Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...
This, my lad, is a filler sentence, you can work this guy in shorter ways to make it less of a bumpy ride for your readers, for example:I like this story so far, it seems to be very well written and the prose is solid. There is of course room for improvement, or else I wouldn't be here, but I am liking it. And it seems you've got enough out to feed the inner troll that is my desire to post reviews, what is there? Nine. There's nine chapters as I write this. And it seems the characters have names! Yay!
Let's get some nitpicks out of the way.
"The man was so muscular his body strained his clothes."
Or
"His clothed strained against his muscular build."
These sentences flow better and don't jolt as much.
This is an awesome metaphor. It does two things for your story as far as I can see:
1.) It's just a very cool metaphor
2.) It let's the reader know that the character was a musical in his past.
I don't see a need for this sentence, it's confusing, and while it flows nicely when you read over it, I had to read it twice to figure out the thought behind it. And the problem with the thought behind it was the fact that it was the exact same thought.
Me would flow better than myself.
I think that's quite enough of that, don't you?
So let's get onto the story:
The pacing seems to be very quick, which is nice as this chapter is 1,000 words long, which -with some writers- is an insufferable length.
The premise seems solid and the setup well done. This does feel like a good introduction to your story and it doesn't feel forced or even offsetting. This is good ground to build on.
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun ~
Wow. I wasn't expecting yet another review on this. xD Thank you so much for reviewing this for me! I have been having difficulty writing this book lately, and this may just be the boost I need to continue. Thank you, yet again. Your encouragement and your nitpicks will help me with editing and future chapters. c:
Hey Timy! I'm here to review your work...as you might have guessed lol I realized that I have never even seen what kind of stories you write, I only saw your poems so I decided to come check it out
Praise - Man I love this book! You defiantly have a way of making the reader want to keep reading!! After I am done reviewing I think I might go to your next chapters
Second I give you a WARNING: I am not very good at reviewing :/ As I see it every story is better than mine so it seems perfect LOL
Onto the review - In the tenth paragraph you said "For the next few moments, I blink rapidly" It would flow a little more if you said "blinked" instead of "blink"
In this sentence "But I can still see clearly enough to see the people around me." you said "see" twice and if you read it out loud it sounds a little weird. Maybe.... "My eyesight is clear enough to see the people around me" or something
I don't see any other problems other than those tiny ones...I'm not that experienced in catching all those little details :/
Thank youuu for this wonderful review. Don't underestimate your reviews. This was very helpful, especially the second one because I need to work on weeding out redundancy. >< It's "blink" instead of "blinked" because this is in present tense.
But thank you for this review, and I enjoyed it and love it. <3 Thank you, Selina. c:
Your welcome Tim! And thank you
I really love your work so far!! 
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review.
It looks like you have had some amazing reviewers haha. Lucky you XD. There were a few small nitpicks I noticed.
[quote]For the next few moments, I blink rapidly[quote/]
I think you meant blinked =P
[quote]He paces in front of the room with a confident stride[quote/]
It would sound better if you said paced instead of paces.
I wanted to let you know that this is an amazing story and you could o far with it! Keep writing. That's all I've got to say =)
FireBird99
Thank youuuu for the review, Annie! <3 Very helpful. Yes, I have a lot of amazing reviewers. They're wonderful. c: how do you do that smiley again? =P THERE I DID IT
Your welcome! Haha yay you did it! Never thought it would ever happen XD
It seems I did the quite thing wrong....let me try again.
O: *follows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Spoiler
I just enspoilered your excitement to keep the page from being too wide. xD c:
Hellooooo, Timmy and Deanie! Yes :3 I said I was coming since both of you give awesome reviews on Traunt.
Wow. Never in my history as a book nerd have I seen a beginning such as this. Hmmm... I like it! I think it is actually very clever. Immediately you are drawing the reader in with a bubbling question at the back of their mind: where is this person? Then another: who is this person? And the lastly: shall I read on to find out? And BOOM! You have caught the
fishreader(s) attention. The immediate tension and curiosity is such an epic combo. Good job you two! A lovely and unique beginning to a surely great story.Wait, wait, WAIT. I am confused. You say lastly that you cannot see what you are lying on, and yet in the first paragraph you are saying you are on a cot. Can you ease my troubled mind and explain? This may be one of my brunette moments.
Hmmm... This feels a bit like you are telling me rather than showing me. You do an amazing job by saying you hear the cough - it is natural for me to automatically think, Someone else is there! But on the other hand -- I was like: OHMYGERSH. WHOSE THERE? when you added it on. It is a tricky one. It is up to you. Just think about it.
I feel as if this sentence is back to front. I just didn't feel as if it quite ran on into each other. Maybe you should put: The fragile attempts only frustrate my already discouraged mind as nothing seems to bring a memory. Yes? No? It is again your decision! Totally up to you. But just reading over your work and picking out the awkward sentences can be easily done. There are few, but still -- it is good to bring out the fine toothed comb and start nitpicking! XD
I am shifting from foot to foot at the moment. I'm asking myself, Is the middle part really needed or is it a pointless info dump? I cannot seem to think of a purpose for the government using ancient tech. Well... I may have to wait and see. If not, just think about whether you need it in there.
A bit of redundancy here. Why not put, "my vision is clear enough to see the people around me"?
Well, I thought the end was a tad bit of a "well, no!". But then I thought, What is another purpose of a mask? And I thought of quite a few others. It is kind-of obvious here though. Why else would they be wearing masks? It was one of those things that instantly clicked. So I don't think the latter was needed.
Again a bit of a pointless info dumpish kind of thing. Maybe you should just put, "his muscular body tight against his clothes". It is up to you, once again
This is contradictory to your last sentence. You say his muscles are straining against his clothes and now they fit perfectly?
Ooo. This is so creepy ... I would feel so small and so alone if all I could hear was people breathing around me. Brrrr... And I though silence was bad!
I absolutely feel in love with the plot line so far! Goodness. That sounds too soon but all the questions, all the excitement -- it is incredible. I like the idea of being brainwashed for some wickedly evil plan (that is what I am assuming. Bad guys like washing brains), it is thrilling to see if the protagonist will remember/find out who he is. I also liked how they were selected for specific skills, it tells me we will see this in action. I am guessing that the protagonist is clever, especially when you were talking about the pitches and tones of the boys and the girls, I didn't feel like that was an info dump at all. It ran smoothly -- plus, I learnt something new! How exciting. That is truly amazing. I love learning things from books, even more so when it is a word that I can use in my own work.
I am quizzical about a lit of things now. Obviously, it is the beginning of the story, but what I love about this is that we will learn more about the protagonist as he learns more about himself. That is an awesome way not to info dump. Clever and skillful. You can tell who is going to have their books published soon! x)
I must read on! I need to know a name - actually a few - and I need to know what the facility there in is used for, who Scary, Big Guy is and I need to JUST READ ON.
This was incredible. Thank you for this awesomeness.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Oh, thank you, Truant. Your review was so amazing and so helpful.
And, erm. <33333333333
<33333333333 hee hee
<33333333333 hee hee
Hello, Timmy (and Deanie. Wait, Deanie, you're writing this too?)! Your novels parent here after a long, long, long while of promising to review... then not reviewing! However, never fear, Raven is finally here! (This review is going to be like I have never went through and read the whole thing. Okay? Okay. Moving on...) (One other thing, sorry if this review is not the best, I am trying really hard to make my reviews better quality.) (One last thing, I promise. This is my 100th review!)
That's a strange way to pull a reader into the story. I want to read on, so it's a good way. It makes the reader wonder "why is there darkness?" Then "why there is nothing else?" is another question that would possibly plague their minds! (I am probably thinking way too much into this...)
Woah, that's a lot of description... and I have nothing against that. The way the words are formed gives the sense of darkness. Not literal darkness, but a... gloomy feeling. From what I am getting while reading through this a non-happy vibe. It's good for the setting of this book, I mean, this is totally not a book that makes you feel happy when you read it. (Unless it is intended to be like that. If so, you my friends, are failing.)
[quote]A single voice rings out, seeming to echo in the deathly quiet room. A monotone voice, almost robotic.
No one answers the voice,...[quote]
That seems like "voice" has been used one too many times.
These breaks in the writing are powerful, and I love the fact that they are in the writing. We, the reader, are think one thing... then there is that line break that tells us, "Something new is about to happen. We're getting more information." I am just in marvel about how the cut-offs are used.
I now really want to read the next part, but alas, I must restrain myself because I must keep cleaning. I hope to read more of this book soon and wish you two keep on writing!
~Rae,
(Sorry for the short review. I have limited time to write this all.)
Thank you for the wonderful review, Raven. <3 Yesh go clean.
Your 100th review! That is special. I remember my 100th... somewhere. Deanie was writing it, but she dropped out for reasons, and stuff was getting busy and all that. So, yeah.
Thank you again. It's awesome to have you on the team. <3
Everyone and their monkey's uncle have written a review about this, so let's get to it!
First off, I love your characters voice, it's very unique among the unwashed masses of YWS' FP viewpoints. It describes things in a very interesting way and keeps everything very paced and easy to read.
Something that makes it a bit difficult to read is the character, which has little to nothing attached to him. He's in a scary place. Yeah. Anything else? It's also somewhat unclear what sort of mobility he has, it jumps around a lot, sometimes able to turn his head, sometimes only able to listen to voices and guesses which gender it is. That confuses me a bit.
Another complaint I have is how the chapter seems mostly useless, it doesn't establish any of the characters other than the Drill Sargent dude, and doesn't leak too much of the plot through. This is somewhat annoying.
Something I loved about this though was the pacing, which I already touched on, but I think I need to go into more detail. This is some of the best pacing I've seen on all of YWS. Your writing uses words to form a river and a boat, and reads easily, it's also a very quick chapter. It feels like it passes on quickly . I liked it. Very good.
Thank you for tackling this and your wonderful review!
Hiya Timmy and Deanie!
So, firstly, umm, wow! I thought this was so so good. Ever read anything by Michael Grant? The writing style here totally reminds me of him, and he writes loads of Dystopia stuff which I feel is where this novel is headed. Okay so I saw this in Adopt a Novel, and I thought I'd review it, you've already got some really good reviews, but I'll try my best to help. Starting off with what I liked, hmmm, the writing style. It was a bit slow at times, but it was really gripping and tense. Also, just the story so far, these kids have been taken as the elite of something? I think you revealed just the right amount because it certainly makes me want to read on.
As for improvements,
Then you go on to say 'so many young voices.' I found this odd because personally, when someone says 'base and tenor voices' I immediately think of a male choir. For a man to have a bass voice, he has to be pretty old and his voice needs to be more developed than that of an adolescent. So maybe not the best comparison.
I feel like what make this so tense was your use of short sentences and short paragraphs. However, there was quite a lot of these which makes it longer to read. For the first few paragraphs, you want to do this to grip your readers in. But later on when you go onto describe things, you should use longer sentences because it just gives everything more variation and makes it easier to read.
So because of this, I felt the beginning (everything before the first bit of dialogue) was quite slow to read. After a little while I just wanted something to happen already. You already set the scene quite well, so I think the dialogue should come in a bit earlier, then you can focus on those other details mentioned in the beginning later.
Lastly, well, this is in the first person and there's no thoughts of his (hers?). I think that's another thing that makes this kind of long to read is that it's all the same thing, describing what's going on- okay that sounds a bit silly but I'm not sure how else to say it. I mean apart from some dialogue, there's not much more. This was probably your intention, but if not, I think you should include more the the narrator's thoughts!
Overall though, this is just so good. Your writing style is great, but just remember that it can be a little bit slow when read so mix things up a bit sometimes. I hope this review helped, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. For now though, I'm off to read the next chapter!
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thanks you ever so much! Yeah, I really get what you are saying. Mix things up and show more emotion! I will work on that coming up. Thank you, yet again!
Hey!
As usual, with you guys, I'll be rererereading the piece wondering how I can convey my admiration, squeaking out a few petty nitpicks, then waiting impatiently for the next work.
You really came in with a bang. You established the narrator's voice, painted imagery, set yourselves up for conflict. Questions are exploding in my head like fireworks. It flows, too: the varied sentences, the M-dash.
But rather than spotlighting the setting, I'd recommend pouring focus on his consciousness. The mist invading every thought, his emotions, that sort of thing. Then maybe you could incorporate: "Dimly I perceived the outline of a cot [==> feel free to change], and something else, covering my mouth, releasing ... [etc.]" Because he mentions he can't think coherently, but I don't feel it.
Grammar:
1) Forms of "Lay"
2) Apparently the rule "you cannot end sentences with prepositions" doesn't apply anymore, but just as there are exceptions to rules, there are
rules to exceptionsexceptions to not having rules. Ending a Sentence in a Preposition.3) Launching with a relative [... something. Relative adverb? Relative pronoun?] in a non-complex sentence [non-complex grammar-wise] is a humongous no-no. I think you forgot a question mark, or a phrase, or ... I'm blanking out today.
4) The narrator's trying to make himself stammer, but instead of using an ellipsis or an M-dash, they're using a comma, which is technically incorrect, but I'll excuse it.
5) The last fragment might sound better merged with the previous sentence, considering how long it is; and, if merged, it'd reflect the narrator's panic, each thought sliding into another.
One more thing. What do the gases smell like? Now's a great opportunity for similes and metaphors, and grossing your reader out.
"To what, I do not know" is a nice touch, but also faintly melodramatic, considering it's a fragment and there aren't any contractions where there usually would be. Then, you can see, the next sentence, the tone's casual ("even conceals").
Maybe: "To what, I'm not certain. The darkness conceals even what I'm ... "
Parfait. The M-dash cut things off abruptly, an accurate reflection of the narrator's thoughts. ^.^
My only issue is "barely penetrable through the fog." It sounds kinda awkward, if you look at it closely. Maybe you meant "barely penetrating the fog of sluggishness," although that's even awkwarder.
Hm. *strokes nonexistent goatee*
YANANormally I'd say it's melodramatic, but the way you wrote it, amazingness. I felt my stomach knot.
"Put"? Aw, you can do better than that! Piece, patch, recreate.
"Preceding moments" also sounds awkward, with only the word "preceding" supporting it, and the word "moments" refers to short scraps of time.
"My mind [...] hours, to decipher their code."
I'd recommend sticking with "seems," just to stay consistent.
This feels a bit redundant because if you lose something, you don't know the place it's lost in. Sure, last you remember, you left the corpse in your basement, but now that it's vanished, you don't even know if it's in your house.
Gases Vs. Gasses
A lot of this paragraph rang redundancy, with words like "memory" and "mind" reappearing. They can easily be exchanged for "reminiscences," "consciousness," et cetera.
It might also be good cranking down the adverbs. Not just the -ly dudes, but "forgotten" of "memory forgotten," and "out" of "projected out."
Try cutting down on them, too. I feel like there's this swarm of bees in my head chanting "meeeee." XD
Noun-verb agreement: "they shed."
Technically, all limbs are moveable, unless you're wounded, which in that case ... are they wounded? Arms broken? Skin bruised? Crossed with scars? Try adding more detail.
Capitalization and colons gets icky. The skinny is, if there's a sentence following the sentence containing the colon that directly relates to the second half of the sentence containing the colon, then the second half of the sentence containing the colon should be capitalized: "... think of is: he's big."
But a colon's not even necessary here. It can be replaced with a comma.
You might also want to consider clipping "of." Prepositions be bad.
One more thing: Think 1 should be Thing 1.
Spoiler
At this point the "do not"s start sounding stiff, especially popped next to words like "really" or "doesn't." The tone keeps contradicting itself, and I feel like I'm in a maze, with dead ends and obstacles, and I can't figure out whether this guy's modern, old-fashioned, panicky, or serene.
Easy mend. Just craft more contractions. ^_^
The scar thing's also cliché. Luke Castellan, Major Sholto, Scar, and pretty much all the Bond villains.
Easygoing is a compound word.
Whoa. Base is low. Maybe baritone, and tenor, if you were to name two. I don't know about base.
Should be "cunning."
Ooh, so there is some diversity here. I'm glad you didn't do a Marvel and make all the heroes dashing American males.
I can't really picture a voice "bearing" an accent, though. Maybe "wearing." Or "gripped by," or "enfolded in."
Should be "expecting the worst."
Since the breathing wasn't specifically referred to before, I'd recommend removing the article.
Should be "Hinges emit a high-pitched whine as they close."
(See that? I told you the nitpicks were petty. And a lot of them barely qualified as nitpicks.)
I love, love, love this; I literally couldn't tear my eyes from the screen. The flow, the pace, the imagery, the mechanics--everything was impeccable, just ... gah! Overwhelmed. Those likes were well-deserved.
And it was amazing how realistic the whole thing was, even more so than your other works. I mentioned impeccable imagery, and I can't stress that enough; your skills really shone on full display. Not too much description, not too little--a Goldilocks-y medium. I never received any hint of melodrama, either, despite all that panic you crafted.
I noticed there's a pattern with your works. A sundae, if you may. The beginnings are the vanilla ice cream, the main course, less sweet than the rest, but not necessarily bland. Then there's the whipped cream, the good stuff, where you really start getting hungry. For the cherry on top, the cherry, small enough for you to swallow in a bite. But it's also the best part.
Most stories are sandwiches and haven't achieved sundaedom. But this did.
(Which is, by far, the weirdest compliment I've given this week.)
Keep it up! Looking forward to more!
I am so, so sorry I never replied to this. It wasn't in my notifications, and I just clicked on this to do some brushing up for the next chapter (!!!) and I saw this review...
You are such an amazing reviewer, I feel as though the review should make spotlight--not the work. Your reviews always make me feel optimistic, encouraged, and yet they always contain so much that helps me, for this piece and the future.
Thank you so much for helping us out, Goldy.
With you and Pompadour reviewing my pieces, I think I have obtained the perfect reviewing team. So thank you ever so much.
And hurry up with Grimm, will yaAw, no problem! I feel the same way with you and Deanie; you don't give yourself enough credit. ^_^ (And thanks for not killing me about the tardiness.)
Hurry up with Affinity, will yaHeyo, guys! Pompadour here to review as promised. So awfully sorry for the delay!
Alright, so the first thing I noticed when I read the first few paras is that you have this tendency to contradict your statements. It's not super obtrusive or anything, but it verges on the I-am-defying-logic meter, so I thought I'd point it out, because the fact itself that I'm able to point it out means that it is noticeable if you peer closely enough.
Here, for example, you've mentioned yourself lying on a cot, only to admit that you can't see the surface upon which you lie. How do you know it's a cot, then? If the darkness conceals everything, how do you even know what your surroundings are like, what the floor is like? As we progress with the chapter, too, you make several statements, but many of them end up belying one another, so the reader becomes confused as to which statement they should believe.
Nearing the end of the chapter, you tell us that the girl--the one who speaks out, and for whom the narrator is afraid--is lying down next to him/her, in the cot beside them, only to tell us a few sentences later that:
Now, is the Commander standing across the room from where the MC lies? In that case, what you say would be correct, but since you stated it in such a way so we're focusing on the girl, I couldn't help but focus on the MC at the same time. Wasn't his cot right next to hers? I wondered. So I couldn't help but get a little confused here. Drop a quick reminder of your MC's position somewhere between those lines.
Another thing: you've mixed up "lay" and "lie." "Lay" is the past tense of "lie." You switch tenses up this way in quite a few places. For example, as I've marked in the quote above, it should be: "lies."
You lay something down, and people lie down by themselves. It's pretty easy to confuse the two meanings: 1) To tell an untruth and 2) to recline or be situated in a prostrate position. If we just focus on the second meaning, that makes things a whole lotta heck easier. The easiest way to distinguish between "lie" and "lay" is to remember that "to lay/to be laying" requires a direct object, for example, a book. It's an action done to a particular object. I would be laying down a law, for example, or a rule of conduct, but old Tom Higgins would be lying amongst the brambles. Does this make sense now?
Here are a couple of quick articles to help you guys give this a quick run-over and smooth things out, though, just in case!
Pretty awkward flow here. That last part, especially, twitched on my nerves. "Removed everything happy?" I think it'd flow better if you were to add in a couple of words to clarify your meaning--perhaps make it a: "Removed everything that was happy"? Or you could be more direct and tell us that they were happy memories, happy thoughts ...
That comma isn't needed there.
~ "mask" should be "masks" and "face" should be "faces." Also, there's some repetition of the word "against." That first "against" struck me as a bit unneeded, since when you tell us that there was a contrast, you've already established a comparison. I'd suggest rewording this to read as: " ... contrast with the black masks set against their faces--" Or something of that sort, anyway.
~ I got the impression that the narrator didn't know anything about where he was, so the blunt statement ("the masks that we must live and breathe through") threw me off, since it's been stated so casually, as if the narrator knows for sure that without it they'll die. If he/she were to assume this instead of stating this outright, it would make more sense, methinks.
Eh, how can you hear the tension build? Is it because of the mounting silence? I've heard of people being able to sense tension, or feel it, since it makes the atmosphere in a room heavy, almost palpable, but hearing it is something completely different altogether.
~ "are" should be "is."
Uhm, okay. What the heck? So far, you've made it seem that the narrator has a vague notion concerning his whereabouts, since s/he asks the man, "Where are we again?" That means:
1] S/he asked that question before, when s/he was in a conscious state of mind. Or that's what my brain infers, at least. So how much can your character remember? Does s/he have absolutely no memories, or vague snippets of thought and emotion? While you've pretty much nailed situation, I'd like some more thought. More background. I understand these questions may be answered in the next chapters, but when you say one thing, only to bring up another completely different statement, it makes
annoying people like methe reader ask questions.2] The question was in response to the announcement. But since s/he appeared to hear it just fine, it confused me as to why the question was being asked in the first place. Was s/he just speaking for the sake of speaking? Clarify, please.
I can't put my finger on it, but this flows weirdly as well. Read it out loud. Shuffle up the words. "seeming" is usually used for past-continuous, while this is present tense. Switch it up with: "which seems to be" or something, maybe? Also, "on" should be: "to."
This fragment made it appear very jarring, instead of laying an emphasis. Turn this into a full sentence.
Consider adding in the word in bold?
More contradictoriness. The commander says the MC can "show" all these abilities, only to follow up with the hope that he can show it? If he knows for a fact that the MC has all these abilities, why is he "hoping"--and hence doubting--their capabilities? Unless he means to carry out a test or something and is telling them that he hopes they'll be able to show their strengths over there as well? Tweak this a little to clarify what you mean, because my brain just ended up going in circles when I read this.
One thing I had a slight bit of an issue was perspective. I now know from experience that while First-Person is actually fun to write in, it is also immensely difficult because your readers are restricted to seeing what your character can see. I don't have any issues with that, honestly, but there were times when your character would make plenty of statements and I wondered--how can he/she see what the heck is going on? Doesn't the mask make it difficult? Like when you describe the expression on the girl's face. If the narrator's strapped to a cot and unable to move, I'd imagine they can only look at the ceiling, not around them. I wondered what the narrator's position was, as they described their surroundings and whatnot, and while you do revert back to the narrator every so often, remember that there are certain things that they cannot see as they happen. I know for a fact that if I was to lie down on my bed and get bound to it tightly, I'd have to struggle quite a bit to see things around me, besides the ceiling, of which I would get a clear enough view. It's restricting, yes, but it also makes sense. So scroll through this and see if you're trailing away from your character's position and view of the surroundings, and edit accordingly.
Alright, so this was pretty great for an introductory chapter, and it managed to snag my attention; it was hooking, so I think that worked out very well. You've got a great handle on the flow, as well as the right amount of suspense. Goodness, I feel as though I've been nothing but negative, but I did enjoy reading this, truly. It was alive, had a spark to it, and was really interesting. Your writing style is also much suited to the genre, since it's dark and chilling and I can sense the atmosphere seething straight through the narrative voice. Your transitions from thought to action are also well-wrought, and I like the stable-yet-unstable aura everything has.
In short, yes, I liked it. I liked it a lot.
Keep up the great work! Keep writing! I hope you can make sense out of this review, 'cause I sure can't.
Hope this helped! Keep me updated~
~Pompadour
Thank you so, so much for this amazing review, Dory. You never cease to amaze me.
Everything you said makes sense to me, and I will edit everything accordingly! 
*squishhugs* Thanks for begin awesome.
No problem! I'm just glad I could help. <3
You're doing a great job describing the main character's situation. Not only does it give the sense of what's happening in the first scene, but you're letting out the chill factor of the setting and what kind of genre this story is.
Get rid of the comma in between people and and since the second part is not a complete sentence.
Some sentences sound choppy to me. My suggestion would be to read over the chapter and find what sounds weird to you.
"...stolen, like someone has pulled apart my mind and removed everything happy."
Get rid of the comma in between up and until because it's not necessary.
"Hinges emit a high pitched whine as it closes..."
Any other way, this is a great way to begin a story. I can't wait to read more of this.
Thank you for the review! Much appreciated.
There certainly seems to be a co-writing trend going on here on YWS! Anyways, Flite here for a review. Brace yourselves for impact.
Yes, I'm being strangely pedantic because your chapter is too good and I have to read this over several times to pick out the nitpicks. Notice the bolded part, that is a redundant sentence. Because the meaning of that has already been reflected earlier when our MC said, 'this thing'. Be as concise as you can when you write and avoid things that means the same.
WOW! This must be a really cool rope, if smooth ropes can chaff people's skin. Is contradictory if you put smooth and chaffing together, usually rough ropes chaff. I know he's been lying there for god knows how long, but is still odd.
At first, you say that is soft fluorescent which is totally fine. Lovely use of words by the way, but then you say that is a blinding white light. What happened to the soft fluorescent?
I didn't expect anything else from the pair of you, your spelling and grammar is flawless. This is more a matter of word choice than anything else, I don't know if cunning is used in the right context here. Cunning can be both an adjective and a noun. I think you want the noun in this case because you're not describing a particular thing. Hence, cunningness would perhaps be a better word choice .Also, interesting note on your use of 'no small amount of intelligence'. From what you describe of this 'commander' he seems very confident and sure of himself, he's firm in what he believes in and perhaps cold and harsh. But intelligence cannot be describe as 'an amount' because intelligence isn't a palpable thing. I know that he means they're all highly intelligent people, there is frankly nothing wrong with that phrase grammatically, it just sort of cheapens his attitude that you've established so far in this chapter. If you get what I mean.
Tempted? I thought he has been asking this question ever since he woke up.... this sentence seems a bit unnecessary if you ask me. Is like stating the obvious.
Content:
I won't lie when I say this is arguably one of the better YWS novel I've seen in a while, but then I didn't expect any less on you guys. The flow and pace of this novel is well-established, there were no jumpy scenes, no sudden transitions and the readers ride along with our MC smoothly. There is also a certain amount of suspense in this chapter, just enough to make the readers ponder what exactly is going on but not so much so that the entire chapter seems like an endless series of unanswered questions. Like Lava has already mentioned earlier, you guys seem to be trying to hard in some areas to come off as prose-ish or semi-formal. The tone seems to be well-established here, I've noticed that you avoided any use of contraption. But honestly, you can only write 'cannot' so many times before it gets annoying.
Hm, Lava has already mentioned the Commander suddenly stepping in as sudden so I won't comment on that. The one thing that I found somewhat off about this chapter, was the change between the MC from being in a state of complete blankness to recognizing there were others around him. Is too silent and as I read it, I feel suffocated between that transition. I think you should have expanded the coughing a bit before moving onto the blinking.
Note on the ending, is that last sentence needed. I felt like it took the impact of your ending. It did correspond with the start of the chapter, but it also kills the suspense. If you left it at the boots. The readers don't know what happens next, we're left hanging suspended in mid-air. But with the darkness, it carries a finality with it.
Character development:
Lava has already touched upon this, but I will touch on it a bit more. I actually think that you've got plenty of chance to characterize your character in future chapters, as this is only a start. But even so, I think you've already done a very well-done job on subtle characterization. There is actually a lot of internal dialogue here that reflects what the MC feels, there are subtle details that have been woven in the chapter that are hints as to what type of person he is. We will see about this in future chapters though.
Overall:
I don't have much to critic here, I really like the plot of this chapter and keep me notified for future chapters. I'd love to read more. You know I already love the writing voice in this. If you have any questions, please PM me.
Thank you for your review, [s]Subtle[/I] Flite! You have helped me a lot. I will work on that, and I will take all of your edits into consideration, and apply them!
Oh, and the name? Did it make sense to you?
Pooey. I can never do code right,
SubtleAffinity? Oui.
Great first chapter! It drags the reader in quickly and doesn't let them go. The atmosphere is perfect and the looming sense of danger, confusion, and mystery are presented wonderfully by this foggy brained protaganist. I will be following to get the upcoming chapters!
Excellent work, keep it up!!
Thank you for your review!
Great first chapter! Keep up the good work @TimmyJake @Deanie I'm won't review this since I already took a red pen to a paper copy. lol
hee-hee
Ishallreviewthiswhenlifeletsmepleasedropmeareminder.
*drops like*
you are too special, Dory.
Hey Timmy.
So, I thought I'd come and review this. I like the main title and the chapter title because they are open to interpretation. I'm intrigued as to what the 'affinity' is about. Might that have something to do with what they have all been selected for?
The description was good. I actually liked the bit about their voices. Your choice of words made me think 'choir' and 'harmony' which, if you think about it, kind of fits with the Affinity thing. All these young people that have been captured (I'm going with my gut) will probably be stronger if they're made to work together. They could be used for almost anything.
I like the way you keep the setting and the characters vague, there isn't much given away here at all. I'd like to read on so I can be enlightened as to what the bad guy wants with them and where they even are. He says IG facility, I'm going to take a punt and say that 'I' stands for intelligence but I may be wrong. As for 'G', I haven't a clue. All I might say is that a little more detail wouldn't hurt. Then again, it is only the first chapter.
You've got to love sci fi, it is one cool genre. I'm glad you're having a go.
This is a change from your historical fiction that I've read and it's pretty good so keep it up.
Bella.
Thanks for your review, Bella!
As for the name of the book, you will understand in a little while. Its meaning is pretty relevant.
I'm guessing that it is, or you wouldn't have called it that. Like I say, I'm curious as to what they've been chosen for.
Hi guys!
So, mysterious tone, some future experimentation and all that? Ok cool. I love sci fi, especially the non spaceships kind, so here I am. A couple of thoughts as I read through:
" Like someone has pulled apart my mind and removed everything happy. "
A Dementor perhaps?
"While he maintains an easy going expression, I can see the intensity behind the fiery eyes. Blue fire." This line is meh. I mean, what is an easy going expression? And blue fire? Those two words seem like an unnecessary drama-ifier.
"“SILENCE!”"
(Hmm Dumblydorr?!)
Hmm, not quite sure why you described voices in that one little paragraph. At this point, it seems to be more of a way to say there were boys and girls in this place; and I think it can be said so easier.
" Why I feel relief for a complete stranger, I do not know"
This is a lovely line!
"The one thing that never rests. I must always hear it. Always."
This para seemed a little too wordy and too intense.
Anyway, some general comments:
Affinity makes me think of protein purification. -nods-
One thing though, the tone/voice used is sort heavy with the big words like MaryEvans mentioned below. I love such tones in stories, but it works best when it comes off across as effortless. For which I think you guys need to put more effort into. (Heh, the paradox!) It seems like you are caught up trying to write in this 'nice prose-ish language' that you it oomes off as trying to revolve entirely around this central theme. Or if that's what your character thinks like, then try to build the tone from his viewpoint/POV.
Another thing that I would've like to see is some emotional influences in this MC's thought process. I mean, maybe not blinded by emotions, but you can show what state of mind the MC is in based on subtle variation in words used to narrate. I say this bevause, I'm pretty sure the MC isn't a robot that can't understand confusion or something.
From a scene perspective, I can see that you wanted to build some tension in the start. But also, it's alittle weird to me that this guy walks in, says practically nothing and walks out. Unless your MC has been unconscious the previous times he's been around?
Although, I would think that given it's futuresque sci-fi ness, these people can control their captive's consciousness state by regulating the room atmosphere? So he can have them all be "conscious" when he arrives?
I hope to see more!
Cheers,
L
Thanks for the review, Alpha! My goodness! Protein? wow. The definition is actually, "kinship, alliance, relationship" in the dictionary. Funny what it sounds like.
If you could, I would like an example of this prosish language you found, just so that I can try to either do better at it or avoid it altogether in the future. As for the big words, he is a genius(spoiler alert!), and I just tend to use a lot of big words, too. So, yeah.
The light came on. So they would all be awake, wouldn't they?
You have an amazing point with him just walking in--then out. I will fix that and add more to this scene when time allows.
Thank you for your amazing review. It helped sooo much!
I tend to think of the word affinity in more of science contexts. (But yeah, I know what it means!)
I will get to the example later when I'm home.
As for light and getting up - what I mean is just because the lights are turned on, not everyone would get up. It's not something that everyone reacts to. Or even loud noises work that way.
I called you Alpha.
wut is wrong with meee
“been laying here for” Lying. Laying is as in laying eggs.
Your second sentence is a bit of a mess. I would look it over, make sure it’s clear and understandable. And the third is a fragment. And not a good fragment.
“The straps attach to my wrist and ankles” What they attach, now? By themselves? I think you’re meaning to say squeeze, burn, weight, anything other than attach.
If it's dark, how does he know he’s lying on a cot? (What I'm saying is, describe how the surface feels and how he concludes it's a cot.)
“figment of my imagination and the fact that I am bored” Overkill. Figment of imagination is more than enough.
“Not a coincidence.” Unnecessary. Also kind of… ill-fitting with the rest.
“My mind tries to put together the last few hours” I try. No need to distance the action by ascribing it to “the mind.”
“How I got here” how did I get here. Keep your narrative in the same tense.
“somewhat literally” nope.
“It’s like I am sorting envelopes without addresses, lost in a place I don’t know.” Nope as well.
“Nothing seems to bring a memory” nothing brings a clear memory. Again no need to distance the action. Same here: “the fragile attempts only succeeding in frustrating my already discouraged mind” get rid of “succeeding in.” Say “only frustrate etc.”
“I blink in rapid succession” Rapidly.
Ok I am not gonna point it out every single time, but read the chapter out loud and see where you’re overshooting, over-elaborating, and generally using more words, and more mouthy words, than necessary. Also where you’re distancing the action (aka using passive voice or stuffing in ing, to, verbs and adverbs) for no good reason. Also the tense issues, keep an eye and ear open for those. You wrote this with someone else yes? Here’s an idea set up a voice chat and read the chapter to each other. It’s always better to hear it in someone else’s voice.
“Save for one.” Safe.
And that’s all I can say. The chapter itself is ok, its tense and mysterious and set up well, just smooth out the language.
Thank you for your review! It helped a lot, and I will take all of this nitpicks into consideration--applying them all.
Thank you!