Before, the darkness only amplified the feeling of emptiness—total confusion dominating whatever other emotion tried to surface. But now… now I find it difficult to think of anything but what he said: Chosen out of all the young people in the world.
I suppose that’s the proof. I am young. I am special—according to him, that is. Most of all, I realize it means I am more alone than I supposed. In this room lie the only people in all of humanity who are like me—picked from their pile of children to fulfill whatever they need us for.
If I could move, if I could see, I would attempt a struggle to freedom. To escape these powerful bonds holding me down. But I just know it would prove worthless, pointless. The tall doors, hidden behind a veil of darkness now, are not their only means of keeping us contained.
Perhaps the rope tying me down is a measure of safety for me—not them.
I suppose that makes sense. After all, what am I besides a bewildered young person? An empty memory box, waiting to be filled with whatever dares to venture inside. Memories to be cherished, shared—or hated and buried down where we hope to forget.
If only I could remember my past. Perhaps this vague room wouldn’t appear so mysterious. But I know I’m mistaken, some inner feeling sending a hidden signal to my intuition.
I have not been here before. No amount of memories can dispel the doubt surrounding this dark place. Light doesn’t help much, except to allow the physical senses to take in the environment—but the mental side demands more. More information is needed to complete the assessment of this—this psychological disaster.
My eyes wander to the cot beside me, and I try to piece together the image I saw before. This mask’s springiness allows some constrained movement, but each inch is a struggle.
The only one who dared to speak up, besides me. Her voice—the gentle English accent—only proves that we were truly chosen out of many teens. That we must be something special, something extraordinary.
“Hello?” It’s her voice that pierces through the darkness.
“You talking to me?” At first I hesitate to speak, because of the domineering order the man had given us, Silence!—but curiosity takes over.
“Of course I am talking to you. What did you think?” she says. “No one else seems to possess a voice here, anyway.”
A moment of silence, then: “What is this place?” Her voice is a whisper, so soft I barely make out the words. “And who are you?”
“I don’t know.” Without thinking, I begin to shake my head. But the attempt is futile. The elasticity of the contraption springs my face back so I am looking straight up again—where I can no longer see my crafted image of her. I try to ignore the kink in my neck, but the annoying pain surfaces no matter which way I bend my head.
I lick my lips, and instantly my sense scream in outrage at the nauseating flavor, my face convulsing as it arcs across my tongue, overwhelming my taste buds. No matter how much I spit out—even though I know the saliva will only rest on the roof of the mask and my face—the chemically, rotten flavor oozes throughout my entire mouth, refusing to leave.
I keep my body rigid. My face is slack. Best stay still.
“You know as much as I do, it seems,” she murmurs. “I wonder what they will do to us.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “But unless we want to get everyone else riled up, we had best keep quiet.”
All around us, I hear restlessness. With our talking—my first true conversation in this place—those who keep silent are either becoming uncomfortable, or want to partake in the conversation, but are too cowardly to do so, in fear of provoking the man we saw earlier.
“I don’t want to keep quiet,” she says. “Your voice is the only thing I have heard so far that seems… normal.” I feel her hesitate for a moment, a second where she tries to grasp for another word, another thought—something to break through the bleakness. “Please keep talking,” she finishes.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to know what to say. Just answering what I tell you is enough to keep me hoping. Everything is so foreign, so… intimidating.”
I find confidence in her voice, even when she doesn’t feel it herself. The whispering power behind everything she says—words that don’t necessarily carry any gravity by themselves—fill me with strength. I don’t know why, but I feel as though I am not alone anymore. As though I was never alone—even though I don’t know this person.
“Darkness is always intimidating,” I say.
“Only when you don’t know what lies behind,” is her quiet reply.
My vision is filled with what I saw earlier—reflective steel walls, pale lights gleaming down on my blindness, a man staring down at us forebodingly. I don’t know most of what lies behind, but what I do know fills me with enough initial dread to make me not want to know more.
An instinctual urge surfaces—to crawl into a hole and hide. To avoid the unknown and just allow the world to play around me. Allow all of mankind to live their lives while I crouch behind them, too afraid to move lest I am seen.
“Sometimes the knowledge of what lies behind is makes you afraid,” I say.
I feel her smile, an emotion I haven’t been close to since I awoke.
“So true,” she says. “Perhaps they hide everything from us so that we remain calm”–my attention is diverted to someone struggling on their bonds a few cots down, then a sudden lurch, and stillness once again—“or maybe merely to bring us in here on our knees, suffocating us with everything that could bring us weakness.”
“Does ARC Facility mean anything to you?” I ask.
“No, but I’m afraid if I did know, it would only make me more scared.”
To be continued…
End of chapter
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
*emerges out from the black to come review your second chapter with my evil grin that quickly changes to a smile once I continue to read*
Hello again TimmyJake! I have returned to annoy you once more with my presence! How are ya doing today? =P
*gulps some more tea and takes another bite of my delicious Snickers chocolate bar* Alrighty, I am ready to review! *clicks on the writer part of my brain*
First off - This second chapter made me want to know more and more and more, yet sadly I can't review or even read your third chapter for a little bit cause I don't have internet access =( *SNIFFLES LOUDLY AND BLOWS NOSE* I am at the edge of my seat....actually it would be my bed since I am reviewing this in my room....not that that matters. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that your story rocks and I am going to die if I don't get the third chapter tonight. Quite literally. Keep writing this story, I love where its going and I love how you are keeping everyone in suspense on what is going to happen. We know almost nothing and are yearning to know more. Good job with not feeding to much information, making the reader want to read more!
*switches to the reader side of my brain* GIVE ME MORE NOW! I WANT TO HAVE AS MUCH INFORMATION AS I CAN!!!!!!! *threatens to kill you if I don't get more right now*
*switches back to the reviewer side of my brain* Sorry, my reader side was about to kill you....
#1 - I found a grammatical mistake in the second paragraph...(I can't believe my mind actually spotted it *jumps up and down from too much sugar and excitment* I'm pretty sure that when you said "In this room lie the only people" (5th sentence of the 2nd paragraph), if I'm not mistaken I think its supposed to be "In this room lay the only people" .... =)
#2 - When you wrote - “Sometimes the knowledge of what lies behind is makes you afraid,” - (Last bit of your story) I think it is once again "lay" instead of "lie" and also I think the sentence is supposed to go like this "Sometimes the knowledge of what lay behind is what makes you afraid" (I think you might have missed a couple words there =P)
That is all I could find that needed fixing, the rest was very good!
*Switches to the friend side of my brain*
Once again - I love your style of writing! Keep writing as much of this story as you can because I can't wait to read it all!! Once it is published and I have the book copy, I'm gonna be able to say that I read this story before it was even published! MWHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.......... WaIt...DiD I JuSt SaY tHaT oUt LoUd...? Ooops....
~Selina =)
Evil grins are... evull. o.0
I withheld information in the earlier chapters. >> Sometimes unnecessarily, but often times just to irritate my readers. hehe. And you have nitpicks? Oh my. I need to get my act together. xd
Thank you for this Selina. <3 Your reviews are wonderful.
XD Your welcome TimmyJake, anytime
Love reviewing your stuff!
Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...
So, the last chapter was extremely fun, it had a feeling of, what's a good word for it? Mature. It felt like the writer(s) had a lot of experience in writing it, and it was nice to see that. It's also great to see a book that seems to follow some sort of coherent story, some just seem like they want one thing for two chapters, than they find another thing and go "Ooh! Shiny!" And run towards that, but the coherency of your plot is truly impressive.
Let's get some little nitpicks out of the way.
I didn't find any...
You cheated somehow.
Seriously, you must have found a wizard or a fairy godmother to fix your grammar because I couldn't find anything! I want that wand!
Give me the wand.
Now.
The thing I did find about your story is the strong description, everything has been put together very nicely; and each word flows to the next. The actual description is also very nicely done, it hold familiar, yet unique words and I don't think it falters at all. It doesn't use too much space and say too little, it's just right. You've nailed that.
Sorry for such a short (and to be honest, pretty bad) review, I seem incapable of doing them well with Affinity. Because it's perfect I guess.
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun.
Forgot to mark this as a review...
Thank youuu for this wonderful review! It is sooo helpful. :3 And you know what? Sometimes encouragement is all I need.
Hey! FireBird99 here to review your already perfect work. Tell me something, how can I nit pick at your work? There is nothing to nitpick at!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spoiler
I cant wait to see where you go with this!
FireBird99
Thank youuu for such a kind review. <3 That's a lot of exclamation marks. o.0 =P
Your welcome. I copy and pasted most of them XD
Your exclamation points made my page soooo wide. xD I couldn't help myself. I had to put it in a spoiler. xd
Hahaha I wont do so many on the next ones....or did I already? xD Were you able to do that with your new mod powers? =P
Yus. xD heehee
I dun know. You really really loveeee them. =P
A mod as a friend with those powers...that could be handy xD
Only for your novel =)
I'm not going to leave a review for obvious reasons...*coughs* but I will leave a brief comment on each chapter to say how I felt about it. I like your take on darkness, character development is good. Dialogue isn't forced. I like it, good job Timmy.
-The flea
Thank you. <3
You're a flea? O.O
Here at last! *wheeze-hack*
I love the M-dash; it really contributes to the atmosphere!
Eh? You were crafting an ominous tone, preparing us for something huge and gigantic and frightening ... and then the ominous tone collapsed. I'm looking around wondering where it scurried off to. Because what I see here is dramatic. It's good. Just a tad dramatic. I feel like it should belong in the climax, after something-hundred pages of building up to it, you know--fleshing out the characters, establishing the setting, twisting and turning our stomachs.
I love how you incorporated the backstory, though. It was really amazing, the way you wove his bewilderment into the fact that he possessed amnesia.
I guess the thing I'm trying to say ... I couldn't connect with him. The tone didn't correspond with the mood. I like your premise; just build off of it. Fragments. Internal dialogue. Any stylistic devices you can think of.
This is your field of expertise, so I'll leave the rest of the thinking to you.
I couldn't help noticing that you use a lot of M-dashes. I'm not against this—just make sure you don't spread them too thin. They're powerful stuff.
(Gosh, I feel so hypocritical.)
Another thing: "hate." It's not as strong a word as the kindergarten teachers say, which sucks, because otherwise I wouldn't have to keep searching synonyms up on thesaurus.com, but ... anyhoot. Maybe "neglected" or "butchered"?
Another another thing: The narrator needs an object pronoun after "forget": "forget them."
Comma splice! I think there are some words missing here ("...I'm mistaken because of...") and some words you can clip. It'd sound cleaner if the narrator just made a short remark on instinct, instead of discussing electric messages being sent to his brain.
Can memories be measured in quantities? Like taking a beaker and filling it up with pieces of someone's brain? It's easier to imagine "mind palaces"--rooms and cabinets and clutter. Maybe "quantity" or "number," as a replacement.
I'm also curious as to why memories are mentioned in the first place. I don't see what purpose the word serves, but it's probably me being obtuse.
Unless it was a technical mistake? "But no amount of memories could have dispelled..."?
"The mental side" sounds ambiguous. Maybe "the mental aspect," or "the conscious side."
Avery!
I never really thought of "gentle" and "accent" as perpendicular to each other. I guess--I mean, I've categorized adjectives, where vocal description is concerned, keeping them separate when I write: quality, mood, tone, accent. So it's interesting. Because if I'd composed the phrase, I would've said "mild English accent."
Or maybe you didn't mean "mild"? Maybe you were combining the phrases "gentle voice" and "English accent"?
That's what's got my head swimming here. XD
I don't know whether to ask you to clarify or to laugh at how stupid I'm being.
Should be plural: "my senses scream."
The second clause is dependent, so the comma before the coordinating conjunction is unnecessary.
Forgot a word here: "what makes you afraid."
The way this sentence was sculpted, "emotion" directly correlates to "smile"; however, a smile isn't an emotion.
I think the best course of action is replacing "emotion," or you could rework the sentence entirely--maybe: "I feel her smile, like a [insert cheesy simile here]."
Woo! Now that that's done...
You really have a gift when it comes to pace. You inserted action between dialogue, and internal reflection between action; you balanced narrative with scene; you zoomed in and out as needed.
I don't know what to critique. I mean, gosh darnit, Tim, why does your writing have to be so perfect? Why can't I find a flaw and make this review longer and actually lend you some help?
It's too early to comment on characterization, but so far I'd say you're doing a fantastic job. (Pretend I didn't read the other chapters.) The narrator has enough flesh for me to write a full-blown analysis (if I wanted to), and I like the girl; she sounds ... quirky.
Do I sniff a romantic relationship?
I love that she's not the stereotypical meek-on-the-exterior-but-feisty-on-the-interior heroine, or the flirtatious oh-I'm-so-clever girl who really doesn't have a personality except to serve as some guy's supermodel girlfriend. She's deviant, and I respect that. She holds so much potential.
And the dialogue's just ... wow. I can't even. XD
Your writing's too good. It's like critiquing Stephen King--people just want to read it; they don't care about picking it apart. It's too good.
When are you going to post 5.2???
O_0 O_0 O_0 O_0
I NEVER SAW THIS. This makes me feel so baaad. I completely missed this review. :/ But it is so wonderful and helps me so much - like all of yours. Yes, I do have a problem with Em-dashes. xD I need to work on keeping those down. And, like always, all of your critique helps me so much with editing and future works. c:
Thanks again <3
<33 No problem. (I forgot about this one, too XD)
Hey Timmy! ^^ Yes, I am back for more! And I see Deanie didn't help with this one. Is it just you from here on and out?
So. Let's just jump right in here and talk about things that need to be checked up on.
It should be - after the dash - "total darkness was dominating" as you were speaking about past events.
Hmmm... I'm not too sure about the comma in there. If anything, only one word should be used really as they are synonyms, you're practically repeating yourself here. If you like both words in there perhaps just put an "and" instead of the comma. When you read the sentence aloud it just doesn't sound right, I would even go as far as feel right, because it just doesn't really work.
Spoiler
I LOVED this sentence. Ooo. So, so powerful! It struck me right here *points to heart* because it is true to every one of us. We all have good and bad memories - ones we want to keep and ones we want to wipe from very existence. HOW DID YOU THINK OF THAT? I am so curious. I cannot believe how powerful it is. Great job!
This is either "my senses scream", or "my sense screams". Otherwise, it doesn't make sense. XD
The second "to" isn't needed. It just makes the sentence a little choppy because it is useless.
1) Wow.
2) Yuck.
This is interesting stuff! I'm so curious about this world you have created. The more you have written, the more I hate these people (the government I'm presuming) who have locked up these brilliant minded youngsters. Question: is this a dystopian themed novel? ^-^
Dashes are like commas, they are used for pauses, and to sandwich extra info in. I love em. Personally, I use them too much. But like commas, they abide by the same rules. If you take out the middle part, the sentence has to make sense. And I don't quite feel as if the first part fits with the last. It would read: "With our talking, those who keep silent are either becoming uncomfortable, or want to partake in the conversation, but are too cowardly to do so, in fear of provoking the man we saw earlier." You see? Well, it just needs a little adjusting
The word "whispering" doesn't really need to be in there. It is just adding another word in, it doesn't have any meaning or purpose. It is practically useless.
Spoiler
So, I like this introduction to the English Girl. I mean... Sure, we heard her speak out to Scary, Big Man (SCB), but this is our first proper get-to-know her part. From what I am reading, I can make out that these two should get along nicely as they both have that intelligence about them. It is nice to hear some dialogue between the protagonist and... Well, your next chapter is girl so I'm guessing that the next chapter is from her point of view. Whoever "she is". I really wanna know. It is so interesting! I cannot wait to read on.
I'm just as curious as they are. What does ARC stand for? Hmmm... I'm really curious. I bet it is something dastardly evil. We have only had a glimpse at what these guys (and girls) are up to. They want people with special attributes. But what for? G'aaaagh. I wanna know!
Must. Read. On.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you for your wonderful nitpicks and wonderful wonderfulness of this review, Truant. You point out sooo much that will help me in editing and further chapter.
You da girl <3
XD "wonderful wonderfulness". I like! xD you're most welcome.
You da man <3
Onto the next! ^^
And, erm, <3333
we seem to have a running battle...
XD you feel uncomfortable? <33333333
Yes. Yes we do.
XD you feel uncomfortable? <33333333
Yes. Yes we do.
NOT AT ALL.
<3 <3 <3
GOOD.
<3 <333 <3
Hey, Timmy! Raven here for another review! I will try and review these chapters every other day, so please bear with me.
Um, I'm not really sure how to go about reviewing this...
I could go on and on about the description, or what I am feeling about the story. Yet, that doesn't feel like it's enough to express how good this writing is. One of my thoughts is, "I wish this was longer." However, it doesn't have to be. The length was enough to keep the reader interested. We don't necessarily need more at the moment. Since this is part one of chapter two, the whole thing will be a lot longer when printed.
There seems to be a lot of dash usage in this. I'm not sure if you are aware of it, but it seems too much. Yes... it gets the point of breaking off in the middle of a sentence, or pauses for a second. Although, it also gets repetitious at times. (I haven't read the reviews below this, however, I think they may have commented on this part, too.)
The MC is... understandable. We get his emotions and how he is thinking, it's... very realistic. To me, at least, he seems a bit like a blank slate that is going to be filled up throughout this entire book. The first two paragraphs of this chapter hit something. He was special. That is such a powerful word to be used. Then the, "According to him." Perhaps the MC wasn't really special, but only to one person, or one organization. Just picked up by these people to be used for who knows what.
For first person, this story seems rather pull of pictures. I can "see" a lot of what is going on, even though there is not much. I have to finish up this review. However, I hope you keep on writing and I wish that this review helps you in some way.
~Rae,
Thank you for this wonderful review, Raven.
Yeah, I do use a lot of dashes, and it's because I write how I think, and the words just fly faster if I don't edit them. But, thank you for mentioning them, because I really do need to edit them out. 
You're awesome. <3
Thanks for the review! ASDF facility was a completely random thing because I didn't have a name yet. xD
Hi there!
So, I didn't review the first chapter since you already had enough reviews there. You have plenty of reviews here too, but I figured I'd leave you one here. I didn't want to pile up all my comments and bombard you later.
You've got an interesting story here. These kids have woken up in this strange place without any memories. And it's not like they have memory loss, it's more like their memories have been stolen. At least, that's what your MC thinks. That's one thing that really pulled me into this story. I'm sitting here wondering what the heck is going on and it's kept me reading.
Your writing style is great. I know exactly what's going on and where your characters are. Of course, they don't really know where they are, but I know everything that I'm supposed to know. Your writing style is very consistent through the first two chapters which is rather impressive. To have your style all hatched out and down pact is great. That's one less thing you'll have to work on for the future!
Now, I'd like to talk about your characters. My main concern here is that we don't know anyone's names. It's not really that big of a deal right now, but it'll be a problem later on once you introduce more characters. Right now it's your MC, the girl, and the man that told them what was happening (or at least, some of what was up) in the beginning. There's enough context to understand who's talking and who's doing what. Somehow you'll have to find a way for them to remember their names or create names of their own. A short piece can be done well without the use of names, but a novel cannot. And I know you know that ^_^
The girl is very interesting. She seems like that girl who is always so intense and can really kick butt. She doesn't feel a need to follow the rules, especially the one about no talking. Your MC is quite concerned of what will happen if they're caught, but the girl isn't. I look forward to learning morea bout her character. I'm sure she's going to be one of those characters who are going to cause all kinds of trouble; good trouble of course!
There are a few times here when I feel like you over-describe just a tad. For example:
It's nice to see this kind of description, yes, but at the same time, I'm a bit turned off by it. There is so much here that I had some trouble figuring out what exactly was happening. There's no harm in toning it down a bit. To be honest, I really have no idea what this paragraph is talking about. Is your MC so hungry that he's tempted to eat his own lips? Or is there something over his lips that his taste buds notices? Sometimes being more direct is better than really diving in and exploring things.
Guess I'll head over to the next chapter now, huh?
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the amazing review, Noelle! It is very helpful, and brings up many issues with this chapter - and those ahead. I will work on what you mentioned, edit accordingly, and heed your warnings.
Thanks again. <3
Happy Review Day!
Okay, so I'm back for the second chapter and I'm intending to make this review a quick one. Probably this'll be more thought on what's happened so far than actual critiquing, since I don't want to repeat anything that's already been said.
[I'm assuming the MC is a boy. I could be wrong, of course, but for now I'm assuming he is one].
Who is he? I know you mean the Commander--duh--but reiterate the fact again, please, so it doesn't sound so vague, and also so it doesn't feel so disconnected; it's a new chapter, remember!
That is merely speculation. Your Main Character supposes that these people around him are the only ones with this 'special power', but that might not be true, considering it's not possible to sift through all the people in the world and search for them special ones. So that's a pretty big statement. I'm not picking at this or prodding at it or anything, but I'm suggesting you mull over this, because it's a pretty big statement to make. Your character obviously doesn't remember anything about his life, so I'm wondering if he actually remembers snippets and scenes from life outside the facility. The sky, buildings, people, general facts... Since amnesia is usually just people forget big blocks of stuff that affected them instead of general info., I'd also like to know if he's a complete blank or if he has vague notions of a past-beyond-this-present or something like that. Interesting stuff you've got here!
(Yeah, I know you have mentioned him not remembering his past, but what I mean is: How much doesn't he remember? Blank slate or hastily rubbed out chalkboard? Some elaboration, maybe?)
The transition between these two paras is choppy, probably because you begin the next paragraph with a sentence fragment. A full sentence would tell us the current position of your MC, and also make much more sense instead of sounding plain awkward.
~ Consider adding the words in bold, yeshes?
~ The evil space ninjas swallowed a word there. Insert "what" before "makes."
~ Strange. How can you feel someone smile? I understand if you're trying to be abstract here, but it's not really working out. Maybe if you were to say something along the lines of your MC being able to tell she was smiling, despite the darkness, or hear her smile in her voice ... that would make more sense?
Guhh, I love how tense everything is! The atmosphere is like their bonds: it's not just holding them down, but us, too. It's almost unnerving, and yet it piques my interest greatly. So far, I really can't see what's going to happen next, but it'll probably involve Mr I'm-not-a-nice-guy and the teenagers and some tests and ooh, this is intense! You used the senses to great effect, I must say: Taste was used, which is something you don't see quite often unless it's being used to convey an abstract thought. It was well-grounded here, which is niice.
One thing I did have a few scruples with was the fact that you mention everything to be cloaked by darkness again, but the way your character describes some things--like the person struggling with their bonds--that makes me wonder if the room is dimly lit. It probably isn't, in which case you might want to clarify the statement I just mentioned.
I love your style in this. It flows amazingly and you've balanced thought and dialogue really well! Sorry this was short
You're apologising for the short reviews?but I'll probably have more critique to offer in the next chapter.Keep writing! Keep it up!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thank you for this lovely review! This is perfect, and so helpful. <3
Hai Timmy!
I honestly don't have that much to say really. This chapter is very good itself and I can't wait to keep reading. On top of that ArcticMonkey has done a good job of covering quite a few of the points I would've brought up myself. So. Good job there 
I like how you mentioned the masks forcing his head into the same position if he moved too far and the fact that he can even taste the chemicals. Another small detail I admired you putting in there was hearing other people become restless and the fact that someone else was also straining against their cords. Having two main characters here and lots of other people, sometimes it's easy to forget there are others there. But you didn't, which means you're awesome ^.^
Here for the promised reviews
I know this is something they won't remember, but this means they're special. And I immediately thought: were they special in the previous world as well (this is all based on me not knowing how the story is going to go, of course.) Even though they can't remember, I can just imagine him thinking about it too. Was he already special in his life? Was he a millionaire, or a celebrity? Was he a nobody, someone poor who would've loved to be here with this specially chosen group of people? Or was he just a normal person living a normal life? I could just imagine this phrase making him wonder about this himself.
Wait, what? Moments ago he was talking about how he's talking about how he's a specially chosen -- albeit lonely -- person, and not you're saying he's nothing but a bewildered young person? For some reason I think these two mindsets contradict, and you need to choose one over the other. I would prefer him being told he's special though. Adds more to the story than this little sentence does.
Hm, the word at the end there doesn't really add anything new to the sentence, so I suggest getting rid of it. Worthless and pointless basically mean the same thing, after all.
One thing I noticed is that the way he describes the strangers voice next to him and everything to do with her makes it sound like he is going to fall in love with her. Or at least, is going to end up falling in love with her. Now the question is, is this something you really want to happen? I know description is all find and dandy, but just make sure it's the right kind of descriptions. Know when to tone it up and down so that you're leading to the right thing. But if you're leading towards romance, then you're on the right track. If you need help knowing when to tone it up or down, then remind me in chat and we can pick things out of every scene and so on.
As for everything else - brilliant as always. I better read up so I can catch up fully
Deanie x
Thank you for your review, Livvy. I always appreciate your feedback, and I agree with those points. As for the stranger's voice and the falling in love... you will understand in time. hee-hee
This is gonna be fun.
Hello!
I'll jump straight in with what I liked. Now I remember I wanted to say this in the last chapter but I guess I forgot; I love how you're writing in the present tense. It's something not a lot of people find easy/natural, but I think it just works super well here, another reason why this reminds me of the likes of Micheal Grant. Of course, though, you guys have your own style within that. I like how we meet a fellow... prisoner, I'll call them for now, in this novel. It's just so intriguing because I kind of how no idea what's going on, but that's okay, because I want to read more and find out. Also, there was more dialogue and characterisation here through the dialogue, which is fab.
I feel like 'supposed' isn't quite the right word to use here, I think 'thought' would be much better.
I thought the use of 'forebodingly' was a bit weird here, because it wasn't really explained. This means the way he was standing sort of suggests that something bad is going to happen next- but how? Was it with his hands on his hips? Or was it too unclear to see? Explain!
What I find to be an issue is the fact that the only way I'm learning about the MC is through their dialogue. Writing in the first person gives you the perfect opportunity to share their thoughts, but right now this may as well be in the third person. Also, I don't even know if it's a girl or a boy, but I'm assuming boy.
More on this, I'm really glad there's more dialogue in this piece, and actual dialogue that reveals more about the characters, but there was quite a lot. I like how you broke it up, but in these little gaps between different bits of dialogue, you should try and show how the MC is feeling towards everything she is saying. I mean, I'd be scared of being caught, but he doesn't seem to be. Try and show his character a bit more.
All in all, another great part. This is so intriguing. Hope I helped, feel free to ask any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArctcMonkey x
Thank you for your review, Arctic! I am soo glad you have decided to tackle this!
Okay, I said I'd get to reviewing this Timmy.
After reading the next couple of chapters, I class this one as more of a link to the later developments. Of course, that's totally necessary. It's good; you have him(?) talking to the girl. For whatever reason, what they're saying seems extremely meaningful (I love it when that happens). I try desperately to achieve that!
All the talk of darkness helps to up the fear factor. I'd really like to know more about what they are needed for.
The grammar quibbles have already been pointed out, so I won't bother with those.
Overall, I think this sets things up nicely while not ruining the suspense. It adds to it, even. I simply adore the last line (not the TBC note before you ask).
For now, I don't know what else to say, apart from that I'll review again soon. Sorry it's been so short.
Thank you for the review!
No problem.
Okay, so honestly, I'm not exactly positive where you were going with this one...in the beginning. But all of a sudden about halfway through, I was just like, oh snap! Now I get it. This was a thrill ride. A little slow at the beginning but a thrill ride nonetheless. Keep writing! I think you have potential to be the next bestselling author and I'm not just saying that. But keep it up, or that'll never happen;)
That may be the biggest compliment I have had in a while.
Thank you.
Hey, ForeverWarrior here for a review!
I really liked it, considering I haven't read any of the other chapters. Good job because I had a basic idea of what went on!
First:
"and instantly my sense scream in outrage"
"Sense' should be "senses." Grammatical errors are jerks.
" “You know as much as I do, it seems,” she murmurs. “I wonder what they will do to us.” "
I would combine this into one part and put the "she murmurs" at the end. It kind of disrupts the sentence flow when you read it out loud, you know?
"are either becoming uncomfortable, or want to partake in the conversation, but are too cowardly to do so, in fear of provoking the man we saw earlier."
Take out the comma between "so" and "in" for better flow.
"something to break through the bleakness."
I would italicize this. It will show how desperate the MC is for some kind of communication.
"This mask’s springiness allows some constrained movement, but each inch is a struggle."
I'm a little confused here, but that might be because I haven't read the other chapters.
All in all, good job! You can really describe well (better than me, at least) and I could understand what's going on in the chapter. Keep writing, and I may read the other chapters!
Thanks for the review!
Your welcome! I meant to say italicize something BTW.