I hold my breath, afraid of his answer. What he will say. But I am also afraid he may not answer—that it’s a voiceless threat. My mind flutters back to the voice in the hallway, how it clouded my judgment and brought me down to my knees.
No, I prefer him to be silent.
He moves like a wraith. I don’t see his movement as much as feel it. The air bending and twisting as he moves—many meters away, but feeling as though he stands on top of me, frigid breath drifting onto my face and down my neck.
It’s a paralyzing feeling, a sensation surging through my nervous system and dancing through my pores—the breath floating along with it. It feels so… calm. And the empty spot of my mind is slowly becoming less empty, the coldness spilling over edges to fill it.
And I realise how much I like the cold.
Everything becomes frigid, the iciness blocking out everything else I may have felt earlier, the emptiness leaving me at last, feeling whole like I must have been sometime, but it doesn’t matter anymore since I am filled now, and everything feels so closed in, tucked away from everything that might have made me warm, and it doesn’t matter to me that my mouth hangs open in a drooling ecstasy, eyelids drooping not from sleepiness but from the sheer weight of keeping them open, everything beginning to warp and fade, the entire room evolving into a hazy photo as my sight freezes over, because I am—
Sight freezing over. Frozen. Icy …Emptiness amplifying.
My stomach flops as I realize what was happening, what is happening. The seductive breath oozing into my system, blocking out myself. My will crumbling beneath the soft onslaught.
I don’t know how I force it out. How I take my reluctant mental strength and force against the icy feeling, every ounce of tears and confusion battering against it until I begin to feel the release. And the surrender.
“You keep your bloody breath out of me, y-you…” I falter, not knowing what name I can call him—or is it a him? Doesn’t seem human—which can express what I feel inside. Some inner urge bids me to lunge forward, using whatever strength I can muster and assault this creature. Batter him to death using my weak fists, openly defying the small physique I know he sees. I am small. I am weak. But I am also angry.
A smile creeps across the creatures face, and I only see it because I hear the inhuman chuckle—the deep witch-like cackle that resonates through my mind. It is seductive, just like the breath.
“You are pathetic.” His voice is like I imagined: raspy and deadly, a scraping of stone against stone, an ominous undertone cutting into everything I call mine. “Fragile. Puny. Disgusting.”
My hands shake as he hurls insults, repeating in my head over and over: He is only saying this to upset me. Breathe. Ignore. But with everygarbledslur, my fingers bit deeper into my palm. My jaw tightens. I will not answer. Every word makes my face hotter, drying the tears and leaving them little stains to be remembered. At least I have that, I think. But I cannot dwell on that, even though I would much rather shut out everything else and focus on my exposed emotions. The voice continues, and I have to listen. It compels me to forget all else, and give in to his taunting words.
“Empty. Alone.” Even from beneath the shadow of his hood, I see his mouth forming the words, the lips curved in a sneer.
A scream of rage pours out of me, all of my anger and doubt held back suddenly released in a single cry which blocks out what he says. Now there is only me. And him. Through the haze of tears flooding down my face hot with fury, I see him. He still mocks me, his mouth still forming words I cannot hear—but still fully understand their meaning.
His image contorts and seems to fade as I impulsively rushes forward, arms swinging in wild, uncontrollable punches—even though he is far away. The tears on my cheeks turn a bitter cold as wind rushes past them.
My feet fly across the smooth floor, slipping as if I run on ice. Once, I fall. And once, I pick myself up and continue rushing him. He doesn’t back up. He doesn’t rush forward to destroy me. Like a frightened animal, he crouches defensively and holds his arms over his head.
Try to haunt my thoughts. Try to hurt me.
And then I am on top of him, fists flying down like battering rams with every ounce of strength I possess. I don’t know where they hit, only that I feel flesh beneath and it feels good. Bone crunches beneath one of the solid blows to his cheek, and he sags down to the floor. Instead of calming me down, fiercer anger pulsates through my body like a flood at this. My scream is so loud, it shakes the room—the entire area vibrating down to its foundations.
He screams, too. In pain. In fear.
I punch and kick and scream until my voice becomes hoarse and my fists ache. Only then I stop, and it’s to stare at my hands. They are torn, cut, ripped. Just beat to shreds. I open and close them slowly, the pain only now registering. Only now becoming aware of the throb arcing up my arm. And the blood. Splatters of our mingled blood has mottled my hand in a camouflage of colour. For some reason, it doesn’t make my stomach queasy, or disgust me. So much of his blood.
But as I stand up, looking down at the sniveling wreck beneath me—a carcass of the demon he once was, beaten halfway back to hell, punched to a bloody pulp—I don’t feel any regret.
I reach out with my foot to kick him one last time. To remind him that I am still here. That if he tries to get up, I will still be here. And I am not afraid of him. Not anymore.
But I never do so.
The entire room begins to spin, walls seeming to collide with one another, corners that weren’t there a moment ago sliding into view, and the ceiling I couldn’t see sliding down on top of me.
Everything goes black, and I begin to fall, leaving the man behind. Then I feel the drop begin to slow and the touch of floor beneath my feet—cool tile rather than the beastly whateverwastherebefore. And a voice. A calm voice.
The voice of the woman.
Author's note: My friends, I am so, so sorry for not giving any information away. Looking back at this chapter, I think I could have condensed it into a quarter as long, and gotten you to the information chapter so you wouldn't be lost anymore. I wouldn't blame you if you just left, but if you decide to stick around, I have some delicious answers coming up! Chapter four. Promise.
End of chapter
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137,601 Literary Works • 672,050 Reviews
REVIEW
*props eyelids open with toothpicks* I need to stay awake and finish this. Can't sleep. Too good. Need to sleep. Too bad for me. *eyelids droop and I stick more toothpicks up to hold them open*
Hello TimmyJake,
I am back to review you next piece, and am very pleased with it so far. This review might be a little shorter cause I am beyond exhausted. Its really late over here and I can't sleep so I decided to read some more of your brilliant story, plus tomorrow morning bright and early I have church. Gotta wake up at 6:30 am *rubs eyes* Six and a half hours until then...
First off - This chapter is very suspense filling and it had me holding my breath as I read. I loved it. Very well written and a good introduction to then next step in your story *big thumbs up*
I didn't spot any grammar mistakes, but my eyes aren't working as they should for some reason... xD
Can't wait for the next chapter!
~Selina
Thank youuuu for this review. :') You go get some sleep. :p You've helped me quite a bit, as always. And your compliments make me feel so good.
Your welcome Timmy, I did manage to get a little sleep. Wasn't much though xD
Hi. I wanted to say that ever since I was younger my favorite name has been Avery. I know that Avery can be a girls or boys name, but I have always loved the idea of it being a girls name. Thumbs up on the name, Timmy. *Virtual thumbs up*.
Nitpicks. Few but still there are those few.
I think you are missing an 'I' in between as and feel. =P
It would sound better if you said 'rush' instead of 'rushes'
This is optional....but the 'And once'....I don't think it has to be there. I know its for emphasize but it sounds kind of funny the second time.
In these two paragraphs you have said 'rush' or 'rushes' 4 times.
Haha I loved your end note. Looking forward to the 4th chapter than =P.
One more thing I was going to mention. You don't have to do this, but in all these chapters of her you haven't once mentioned the guy. I think it would tie in the two a lot more if you added little thoughts of her wondering about him. Maybe as she is falling or something she wonders if the same thing happened to him....I don't know lol.
=P
Annie
Hm. You have a point about the guy. I need to remember to put more of her thoughts about him so the readers don't forget him. xd And thank you for pointing out that redundancy. Ugh. I really need to work on that.
Avery is one of my favorite names, too.
Your welcome. I'm glad I can be of some help. Your writing is really good!
That's awesome! *High five*
This chapter will make more sense when you read the fourth chapter, but I do get what you're saying. I will work to make this chapter make more sense by itself - so you don't feel lost until the next chapter. Because this has more of a purpose than any of the chapters yet, but I know it doesn't seem that right now, so I need to work on that.
All of my chapters need re-written. xD
Thank you for this review, so helpful! As always. <3
Hi there!
Omgness, timmy. There's no way I can review this. Seriously, it's great. You captured the girl's emotions perfectly and really show us how terrified she is. At the same time, you give us an amazingly creepy villain and even more questions to think about. See, you don't have to learn how to do that from me because you're already doing it! xD Great job.
Maybe I can actually review that next chapter.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Aaaaand I accidentally marked this as a review -_-
oh, well. xD This encouraged me as much as a review does, anyway. Thank you so much, Noelle! <3 Maybe you can. :3
Hey Timtam, I've trying out a new style of review.
You're my guinea pig.This is one of your better chapters so far, I say that because you've kept me reading the entire way.
With the other chapters I sort of skim some of the things that bored me,however this chapter was constructed quite well. I think partially is because of the constant tension and suspense that has accumulated in this chapter, or perhaps that this whole chapter revealed a different aspect to the Girl. Though I do have a few things I want to say about this chapter.Ok, so about the man, I'm extremely curious, who is he? Is he this projection of the Girl's memory or something else? I'm not sure, since the Girl keeps falling through holes and walls (reminds me a bit of inception). One thing that bugged me was actually the movement of the man while I was reading, see this part here:
Ok, everything was going well until I hit this and all of a sudden I didn't know where the man was. You said he moved like a wraith, so I assumed that he's advancing with arms out-stretch with those wispy white air bellowing out before him. But the 'many meters away' threw me off the rail, because given the previous explanation I thought he was somewhere close-by. Then the next, he's stand on top of her head? *tries to imagine this guy standing on top of her head*...... somehow I can't quite conjure up the image.
I know you can describe his movements a bit more precise, because you're capable of it. I think what you need to consider is how you phrase your words in future chapters, I understand what you mean but I had to read it again to get a better understanding and even then, it was a bit vague.
Another problem I found whilst reading was how the girl fought back against the man, and how quickly the man crumbled down. I realized that the readers don't actually get a precise reading on how powerful the man is, but once again, from what we received earlier of his appearance. An eerie, manipulative, omnipotent in how he managed to take over the Girl's thoughts. He was portrayed strongly as someone who knew what he was doing.
Yet in here,
This could just a pet peeve of mine, Timtam and you are probably aware of this, but I'm still going to point it out to you. Someone (whom I can't remember) once said that metaphors is the most powerful tool in the world, because a metaphor appeals directly with the part of our brain that feels things more intensely. In the first sentence, you have a choice between making the floor seem like an icy floor or you could make it an icy floor. Which is more powerful?
This of course doesn’t apply to every situation, but in there I just thought that might make the scene more dynamic and bring a stronger visual impact.
Anyways, moving onto what I want to say. The man’s reaction was too cowardly, it doesn’t seem logical that someone whom has that power over her should be so afraid. I mean, he can move like a wraith, can’t he just dodge her? I understand that the Girl is probably very furious with anger burning in her eyes, storming towards him. Even so, just sitting there like a frightened animal is stretching the logic a bit. It’d make sense if you foreshadow a bit, but that cowering action literally blared ‘unrealistic’ when I read it.
Sorry, couldn't resist. The 'at this' is redundant, because your previous sentence is basically 'at this'. Also, nice descriptions with emotions. You're very accurate with sentiments.
>_> But Timtam...battering rams are...not exactly the best simile for fists. So I actually searched up battering rams to make sure I didn't get it wrong. But they use these to break church doors and massive castle doors [you know how in Mulan they rammed the pole into the door]. But somehow, comparing her fist to that make the action seem slow and out of place.
Which also brings me to the point that, if her fists are like battering rams, isn't the second sentence a bit redundant then? She's not superwoman, so she probably will be using every ounce of her strength.
That brings me to the end of this review; a lot of the things I’ve pointed out are very minute details. You’re already an established writer with your own voice and style, and you have a wide range of vocabulary. You manage a lot of transitional scenes that would have made other writer’s head ache, [especially those ‘drop’ scenes]. Your mix of show and tell is generally very good; as it is for the way you structure your plot and develop your characters. What I would keep in mind is how you phrase your wording in certain spots, and always always remember to check how realistic and believable a scene is in the given context.
You best get the following chapters up…or I will personally ‘battle ram’ your door.Shall you have any complaints, please feel free to PM me.*flies*
-Flite
Any complaints? O.O This cannot have been a "new style" of reviewing, or at least I don't feel like a guinea pig. hee-hee
This was extremely helpful, and I love all of your reviews. <3 I will work on the context and the realistic side of things with my wording,
as well as removing some of the boredom from the previous chapters when I re-writeAffinity 4.1 Avery
You didn't see these? <3
>_> NO
Hi Timmy! I haven't read this lovely piece of work for a while and I apologize. But I'm here now. I have beaten procrastination up. I've tied him up <~^·_·^ mwhahahahahaha.
Onto the famous battle of evil nitpicks!
Oh dear. I'm so very sorry. But there will be a lot of sentence pointers today. I'm feeling
slightly mischievoushelpful.BEEDOO-BEEDOO-BEEDOO. Answer. Say. Answer... Hmmmm. Redundancy. What an awful entity. Also, "what he will say" is just a tad bit repetitive. You've already said that by putting "afraid of his answer".
When you put "How I", it makes me think you'll put "I don't know" at the end. It just didn't fit.
I know Air Benders was famous but... I don't really get the sentence. How can she see air bending and twisting.
The breath floating with the feeling? I'm a little confused. This sentence was unclear. It just needs adjusting.
G'AAAAAAAAGH. THIS SENTENCE... THIS... PARAGRAPH. Mesa couldn't read it. My brain shut off and I couldn't concentrate. I can see where you are coming from, but it didn't have that speedy, flowiness it should have. Maybe it is just me, but I found it distracting.
Why does she look because she hears the chuckles? Does it grab her attention? Is she startled? DIG DIG DIG!
How interesting. "Everygarbledslur".
"Rushes" should be "rush". WINDMILLS.
Ouch. Girl, that is slightly heartless. Is she shocked at her actions? Does she feel anger?
"whateverwastherebefore" = whatever-was-there-before.
But what was she saying? Was her words unrecognizable?
I really enjoyed this chapter. So this is the conclusion of the dream/nightmare/hallucination thingymabob. I AM SO CURIOUS. So many questions are haunting me... Your descriptions are interesting, exciting and very, very detailed. They are clear and I could picture them wonderfully. Good job!
Your sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you for your amazing review, Truant! Always a pleasure to read.
The part with the words scrunched is a stylistic thing for Avery, but I have changed it to read like this: whatever-was-there-before or something similar. All of your nitpicks are very helpful, and encouraging.
Thank you. <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Glad yo hear my advise is taken! Sometime I feel as if I am rambling. And that's the goal! Encouraging and helpful.
Welcome.
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Hey Timmy. I'm here for a review because you've been keeping up with my story and so that I have this reviewed before you post the next part. It's only fair.
I really don't know what to say about this. Since it's been a while since I read this, I had to reread. It ws just as good the second time round.
There are no errors I can see. Most have been picked up on , good work!
Your love of action (I'm sure you've mentioned that) definitely comes through here with the fight (I'm debating if it's fair to call it that).
I think that the last couple of chapters have been showing us the emotional side of the girl (is she Avery?) and fleshing her out a bit. We're getting to know her and I'm enjoying the character development. I'm glad it's working out. One question: are you planning to come back to the boy and develop him in the same way? He seems equally curious and it seemed like he was important.
I would like some more information though, so I hope chapter four clears some questions up. It is definitely worth continuing.
If Avery is being tested, why?
What do they want?! The biggest question of them all. I am hooked. Keep writing!
Sorry if this hasn't been very helpful. :-S
Thank you for your wonderful review! The boy's perspective will be soon. Don't worry.
Yes, this is Avery.
My turn to do the guessing hehe!
Heya Trimmy. XD haTrimmy....but no hi Timmy. Just me and my baby girl (she's a kitten) here to give you a review tonight.
Okay, I had to reread this a few times because it was so bloddy marvelous. I have to say in a short time as I am nearly asleep while writing this. This piece of chapter 3 was so incredible and it is still keeping me on the edge of my seat for the next instillation of the book.
For you good sir, should win an award. You have managed to keep me hooked onto this story while some have tried. I applaud you. This story caught my attention from the first moments and it still takes away my breath.
Okay, the pacing was so brilliant. Again, it hasn't gone to slow nor has it gone to fast. It is perfectly balanced to counteract what is happening in this scene. This is very important for this one.
What else is there for me too sy. OH YES. WE STILL DONT KNOW HER NAME. Thank you for taking the yelling xD.
OkayI am good. Probably going to try to get some sleep.
Keep writing Timmyy,
Tulip and Mia.
Hi Mia!!! hee-hee Thank you for your compliments, and you review, Tulip
Hello, Timmy!
Raven here for a review!
Now, I have read this over several times and I must say I enjoyed this chapter.
The descriptions are flawless in my opinion and I love them! You have gained yourself another fan.
Now, reading this I am drawn in. Every single paragraph seems to hold my attention. The similes that were used were perfect and wonderful way to describe stuff! I am definitely jealous of that writing ability.
I must say, I feel mildly sorry for the MC of this chapter. Being forced into the chamber then being sent to who knows where, then in the loo being sent to the room with no corners. I understand this is all a test, but if I were in her shoes, I honestly wouldn't be able to function.
Her anger was understandable, truthfully, I was cheering for her as she fought the guy. Though, right here: Like a frightened animal, he crouches defensively and holds his arms over his head. I felt a little sorry for him.
The adrenaline rush the MC had was understandable. She was angry. No time to worry about if she got hurt in the process. Though, I wonder if the woman or someone else will heal her newly obtained cuts and bruises. Or will she suffer with the pains for a bit?
I have re-read her part again and I'm wondering, do you spell stuff "the British way" because the MC's English? Or is that how you prefer to spell stuff? (I haven't gone back and read the boy MC's chapters, so I have nothing to compare it to at the moment.)
At least two times in the part of the chapter, words are bunched together like this: everygarbledslur and whateverwastherebefore. Is that intentional, or just forgetting to hit the space bar? Also, if that is intended, is that something we will be seeing often from this character's perspective?
The creature owns his face, right? You need an apostrophe there.
Nice book! Keep on writing! (Don't worry, I'll stick around for the next chapters.)
Rae,
Thank you for the amazing review, Raven!
Noo, I admit that thegarbledslur was an accident, while the second one is intentional. I will fix that. I spell things the British way only for her character, and then move on to the American when I write the next character. So it's a bit confusing for me, but fun. 
WAIT, I ALREADY REVIEWED THIS ONE. OKAY.
Hai Timmy!
But actually, when it comes to this chapter I was very impressed. I actually liked it a lot even though she was mainly battling with this bad-breathed demon like being? We got to see a little mental war she played a part of and a side to her character that we'd never seen before. No more fear, but strength, and ultimately she has no mercy for the creature either. She doesn't sound quite like the person I would ever want to mess with xD Aside from that, I can definitely tell what you meant about it being your longest sentence ever ^.^
Haha, it seems like that message at the end is something I would've needed to see
Just for effect, I think this could be better if you made it a rhetorical question. What will he say?
The way this sentence was worded made it a little bit confusing for me. In this case I suggest something along the lines of: but it felt as though he stood in front of me (on top?), his frigid breath drifting... etc.
Wait a sec, you just used that word to describe his breath? More variation please!
Hm, as I read this sentence I questioned if flop seemed like the right word. It didn't really flow in my opinion. It would've been better off as 'my stomach drops' or 'I felt a twist in my stomach as...'
The end of this sentence seemed kind of abrupt. There could've been something more in there that made the idea clearer. I'm referring to something like this, although by all means don't use this example xD Yours will probably be better. Example: blocking out my thoughts, my feelings, my very being.
This sentence needs a he or it so we know what is making her not feel human. Otherwise the thing is unnamed and it becomes unspecific in accordance to the person.
I don't know if you linked these words up or just forgot the spaces xD If it's not the latter, then maybe do the latter? Also, seeing as this is all present tense, how about making the 'bit' 'bite' instead?
Ooh this was an interesting part and I loved that it was in the chapter. In fact, I think it's safe to say this was my favourite bit of it! Although the second sentence fell short because it was too blunt and unfeeling, I feel like you could have something else there because I liked the addition in sentence just not the way it was conveyed in the end.
Keep up writing such awesome chapters! I am looking forward to getting to see this information that has been promised
Deanie x
Thank you for this amazing review, Livvy. Psssh. Short review? Whatever.
One thing: the long sentene, really run-on. how did it work?
Thank you for giving me a really helpful review.
Long sentence worked perfect ^^