Walking through the doorway is like going through a portal to a different world. The colour changes. The entire ambience warps into something so unexpected, I find myself looking in awe at the long room in front of me—not following the woman like she had ordered.
The hallway looks like sand molded into a square shape. The gritty tan of the walls—a colour that reminds me of the sea-side… and something else, although I can’t put my finger on it—clashes with the bold text imprinted in a repeating pattern down the hall.
Process 1
Before I can think about what it means, the woman pulls on my arm. “We have to go—he is waiting!”
I go with her, however reluctantly, but the words on the wall keep flashing by me, as does what she said. He is waiting.
“Who is he?” I ask, not bothering to hide the frustration in my voice. “And what is meant by the Process 1?”
She smiles patiently. “Everything will be explained. Now come on. It’s going to be okay. We are here to help.”
“You had bloody well do so,” I mutter. And then I tag along behind her as she paces down the unknown hallway.
As we walk, I can’t help but think of the boy—the only one who had the guts to speak up to One-Arm. (the name seems to fit him) Lying beside me, he didn’t look like much. Standing in front of me only proved my guess. His arms looked like strings, his legs closely resembling oversized green-beans, the gown clinging close to his tall body. Only his face bore any special merit, I suppose. Whatever lay on the surface—freckles and dirt meeting with the blonde hair, and pimples like dotted texture—was easily forgettable when I saw the look of honesty and kindness on his face, no matter how lost he looked.
The woman comes to a halt so quickly I bump into her. “Oh, sorry,” I say as I take one step back. I adjust the white gown—why does it have to be a gown? Makes me think of a hospital—so I look somewhat normal. Well, as normal as one can look wearing one of those things. I’m afraid it’s not quite as white as it used to be. Smudges now adorn its pale front.
“It’s quite alright,” she says with a smile. She points to an opening in the wall—a doorway with no door. But I cannot see into the room. A glimmering light hangs over it like a shroud, blocking out the eyes of intruders.
“Go inside,” she says. Perched on the wall beside the door is something that looks similar to a control panel. A small screen glows inside a paper-thin box. The woman taps the screen a few times, her fingers moving so fast I know she does this regularly.
I hug the gown closer to me. The thin material won’t do much to protect me from the cold, much less a knife. “What’s in there?” I glance over to her—her focus completely on the monitor in front of her. “Are you coming?”
She shakes her head. “No. This is something you must do by yourself.”
Another pause, while I continue to stare at the doorway—as if expecting it to morph into something else, or become transparent so I can see within.
“Is there someone in there or is it just me? Is He in there—whoever you were referring to?” No amount of scrutiny will change the opening in front of me. The shimmering remains. The veil remains. “Why do I have to go in alone?”
“Just go.” I sense the shift in her tone. This isn’t a request. It’s an order.
I take a deep breath and reach out to touch the flickering cover, trying to bury any feelings of doubt, but mostly anger, deep down. Instead of resting on the surface, my hand falls through and is lost from view. All I see is my wrist on up. The rest is behind the doorway.
I step through into the
unknown.
I
can safely say that this isn’t what I expected. The scene
changes so fast—and becomes something so much different than
the one before—that I feel as though I have been flung off a
merry-go-round into a place only-God-knows-where.
People surround me. Dozens of them, all dressed up in suits and fancy dresses like they are off to a wedding—or a funeral—stand in a circle, chatting and laughing uproariously. Over what, I don’t know.
The room looks like an entrance-hall to some big building—perhaps an auditorium or a movie theater. Deep voices boom from speakers overhead, although it seems to be ignored by everyone except me. The words they say are irrelevant, meaningless. Something about elephants? Beats me.
I have to stand on my tiptoes to see over the shoulder of a tall man—his wide shoulders making it equally impossible to step around him. The place is so bloody packed, I can barely move. Barely breathe. It is at times like this when I am grateful I am not claustrophobic. Otherwise, I would be screaming.
“Excuse me?” I tap the guy on the shoulder, and he turns around however reluctantly from his conversation.
“Can I help you?” His face is good natured, although he happens to be one of the ugliest men I have ever seen. He looks me over, an eye-brow raised. “Do you need anything?”
“I…what?” I follow his gaze and realize for the first time that I am not wearing the hospital gown anymore. Whatever I said about it being horrid, I take it all back. Right now.
I appear to be wearing some form of pants, but they look like they have been through a shredder. There are more gaping holes and long rips than material, and their black color has long since faded away to a dull whitish-gray. I find myself blushing as I notice my shirt is in an equally sorry condition, holes placed in unfortunate locations across the front.
But what’s worst of all is that I can no longer see my hair when I bend my head. When I reach up to make sure everything is intact, I feel a cropped hair-cut—soot coming off into my hands when I touch it.
“I… um, yeah.” I say, trying to keep my voice casual although I know my red face says otherwise. “Is there any place I could go and, you know, do something—maybe not here?”
His face breaks out into a smile as he realises my own discomfort. “Of course. Just follow that hallway”—he points to my left where I can barely see a dimly lit passage over the shoulders of the throng—“and there should be a bathroom or something down there.”
“Thanks,” I say. Assuming that a bathroom is also a loo, I figure it isn’t really what I want, but I don’t actually know what I do want—so no harm done. A loo is better than nothing. At least there will be less people there. Probably.
Forcing my way through the crowd is easier than I thought. Once I start shoving my way through (I am polite, too) they part like the red-seas, all of them staring in prim shock at my tattered appearance.
End of chapter
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
*Sneaks a glance at the computer then around my room to make sure no one is looking before I stop my schoolwork and begin to review your story*
Hello again, Timmy *waves* This story has captivated me from beginning to end. I am almost tempted to just jump into your next chapter without reviewing so I can see what happens! Your story has taken an unexpected turn, and I find myself hanging onto every word you have written. This chapter is very well done and I have enjoyed it profoundly.
*school side of my brain says* Keep up the good work of making me get behind in school =( The "reader side" of my brain won't let me do school until I have read more and more and more.
Truthfully, I told myself to just read and review this chapter then get some school done. I don't know if that is going to happen...I might just read your next chapter THEN do school *evil Calvin face*
*switches unexpectantly to the reviewer side of my brain* Alrighty, my turn to say a few words!
*all other sides of my brain shrink into the corner, pouting*
*Reviewer side of brain, rolls eyes again. "I never get to talk!" then continues*
#1 You wrote - 'As we walk, I can’t help but think of the boy—the only one who had the guts to speak up to One-Arm. (the name seems to fit him)' -
I think it should be - 'As we walk, I can’t help but think of the boy—the only one who had the guts to speak up to One-Arm (the name seems to fit him). -
See what I just did there? I moved the period to after the () =) The reason I just put the symbols is because I don't know how to spell () and you would have had to review my review =P I am not that great in spelling :S
#2 - You wrote - 'Once I start shoving my way through (I am polite, too) they part like the red-seas, all of them staring in prim shock at my tattered appearance.'
My opinion - This sentence sounded just a bit funny...not the humorous funny.... Maybe if you showed your reader how you were polite instead of saying "(I am polite, too)" ....do you get what I am meaning? Maybe make him say "Excuse me" or something......? Just a suggestion, but that sentence is just a little weird....like you xD
Anyways....sorry this review is kind of short but there wasn't anything, that I could see, that was wrong with this chapter. You did well, once again. Look forward to reviewing some more of your work. *waves goodbye*
*backs into the darkness like Megamind, trying to be cool it didn't turn out*
~Selina
OH, what you said is very very true. I need to fix those.
Especially the one about after the parenthesis and period, and I know that is incorrect. >> hmph. Thank you, xD. You always help me so much. 
Your welcome =)
Hi!
I think I'm on an Affinity review kick. Haha. I liked this chapter BUT in the beginning I thought it was still the guy....until you started describing the guy. I don't know if its just me or not but maybe you can say something in the beginning like
It was shortly after they took the boy beside me, that they came to get me as well.
I don't know. All I know is I was slightly confused when I first started reading........
Another thing is,
This sentence kind of seemed....awkward? I know that that's how she is feeling but maybe you can rephrase that somehow....?
Other than those few things, I enjoyed it. Thanks for writing this.
Seeya,
Annie
So I'm sorry. Perhaps I should have warned you. And you have a point! I should have said something along those lines *remembers for editing*. And, yeah, that sentence is awkward now I look at it. I'll have to fix that one up, too. Thank youuu for reviewing! I'm enjoying these. <3
Haha well that's a good thing your enjoying them...my reviews kind of suck lol.
Heya!
Apologies in advance for any shortness regarding the review--I had trouble finding stuff wrong with this chapter.
why must you be so goodBefore I discuss my confusion, I'll discuss why I like this description:
You get glass from melted sand, and if you apply that to the "mold" aspect of the description, you get shaped glass. And shaped glass makes me think of those laser-etched things depicting horses and the Eiffel Tower and whatnot that you can buy at souvenir shops.
Spoiler
Consider all ze metaphors being born from just that statement.
Anyway, so the artificial elegance your imagery suggests counteracts the natural elegance the ensuing imagery suggests, and we're tied up in a domino reaction of delicious sensory details. If that makes much sense.
Also, the comparison of the room to the sea. <3
I think I said something up there about being confused? If I did, I'll try to elaborate on it, but now I can't remember what provoked my confusion.
Okay, envision a hallway. A sort of rectangular tunnel paved with carpet and wood instead of stone. It's empty, lined with doors, and it stretches like a snake down to one side of the building, jerking off into another hallway. Square? Not really. And when you envisioned that hallway, I'm guessing you were focusing less on the walls and more on the interior space created from the walls, and so will (most of) your readers. They'll see a room filled with sand.
This description bursts with so much potential. I'd love for the narrator to elaborate, to turn the focus to the walls, their texture and appearance, and the effect they have on the warped ambience; and the description would be even more wonderful than it already is.
Once you introduce a metaphor, you should follow through with it--otherwise it just trails off kinda awkwardly. I don't see the reason for the narrator's inability to "put my finger on it," either.
Should be "what it could mean." Conditional 1 Simple tense (or something along those lines).
I think "albeit" would work better than "however" here.
Whoa. Creepy.
But the unvaried-ness of the whole thing just kinda detracts from the suspense. I'm glaring at those periods instead of shivering, and the last two sentences ....
Try combining "now come on" and "it's going to" into one sentence. I'd also make "we are" a contraction. "We are here to help" sounds a bit stilted.
I'd cut it down to "everything [...] going to be okay," though. You could compensate for the briefness by describing her tone/smile.
Rogue parenthetical expression: put it in the sentence about One-Arm to make things grammatically correct.
Ignoring that, though, I'd recommend cutting the parentheses. We can infer who One-Arm is without the narrator explaining it, and the joke falls a bit flat, with elaboration. But it's not too big a deal--I'm fine with it being left in.
Grammar: Specify the subject in the second sentence.
Also, I'd recommend combining the two. Your style's full of lots of short clauses and punctuation, which is great for ensnaring the reader's attention, but which also means you're gonna have to pour some extra focus on sentence variation: "Lying beside me, he didn't look like much, and standing only helps promote that statement." (I replaced "guess" because it didn't really describe the first sentence."
More grammar: Check that the tense stays consistent. I found a lot of lapses in this chapter.
The simile and metaphor would probably serve better in a casual description, instead of one that's supposed to be lending us an image of his entire character. Check out Point 2 of this article.
This just looks pretty awkward, one because there's no subject in the second sentence of the bit between the M-dashes, and two because there's a second sentence at all, and they cut right through an ordinary sentence describing body language that's now stamped into my head. When I get to "so I look somewhat normal," I wonder where it belongs. The focus swivels from action to reflection to action.
And write "I adjust the white gown so I look somewhat normal" in one go, and it looks weird, doesn't it? You wouldn't hear a narrator thinking this.
Maybe just "I adjust the white gown—why does it have to be a gown?" and cut it off at that.
Ooh, I like the word "adorn," but I don't see it being used perpendicular to "smudges." Maybe "decorate"? Or "garnish," if you twist things around a bit?
When you use "alright," you use it in a parenthetical expression, like: "Alright, Johnny, let's go." When you use "all right," you use it in a sentence, like: "We're gonna be all right, Johnny, alright?"
Unnecessary M-dash. Keep an eye out for these.
God? I guess capitalizing pronouns is a stylistic choice, but italicizing it already emphasizes it ... and maybe you're trying for Biblical symbolism, like the simile concerning the Red Sea? Eh.
I'm trying to wrap my head around why "only-God-knows-where" is italicized and hyphenated.
Overall, I just think it makes things sounds unnecessarily lengthy and it'd better cut off at: "I feel as though I have been flung off a merry-go-round." It's your choice, though--twist things around a bit.
I feel like the second sentence is a bit of a give-in, just stating the obvious. It'd sound better clipped.
No need for the hyphen.
Just a side-note: British spell "theater" like "theatre." I think there's this option with Word where you can temporarily convert to British English, and it'll underline all the American spellings in red. Marveled, center, etc.
British English has slightly different grammar rules, too. I'm only saying this because I noticed you wrote "colour" up top. Take a look at this.
I'd recommend "albeit" here again. Also, commas: "he turns around, albeit reluctantly, from ...."
"Good natured" should be hyphenated.
No hyphen necessary. Unless it was deliberate--classic literature authors tended to use hyphens in compound words.
Check that the ellipses stay consistent.
I'm not British, so don't quote me on this, but I bet British know what "bathroom" is just like we know what they mean when they say "watch telly." I think they usually use "the" before "loo," too. Can I pop to the loo?
i'm sorry i just really like this description
(Also, should that be Red Sea? You know this better than I do, but the hyphen looks strange to me.)
Present tense is pretty hard to pull off, so I'm going to have to admire you for that. It contributed to the tone and atmosphere and gave the piece an overall YA-feel--past tense would be too formal. (And I really should stop rambling on about technical stuff because you probably don't care about that, but I'm just thinking how well-executed every decision about this piece was. The humor and the description, and the subtle differences between this narrator's voice and the other's.)
Anyhoot. Yeah, I feel like I've run into a dead end here, because I usually reflect on the piece after my reviews, write a couple paragraphs, but this time ... I just want to say I enjoyed it. The other reviewers covered style, character, and inconsistencies. I guess I'll talk about description. Egh. I'm actually forcing myself to come up with nitpicks.
So your description is direct, and that's what makes it easy to read. It uses strong verbs and flows naturally; it gets right to the point of things in a few words. You're no rookie description-er. Metaphors and similes come easily to you. The thing is, you have to watch out for your nouns and adjectives, because they're unique in a way that doesn't always suit the situation.
I'm being really vague, aren't I? Um. I'm not saying much because I know your description matures in later chapters--just watch out for dem words and punctuation.
Also, there are loads of breaks in this novel. It's acceptable on YWS because you have to post the chapters individually and split them into multiple parts, if necessary--it's hard to notice. But put the parts together and you see it jumps around a lot. Try inserting transitions instead of breaks in time, and maybe lengthening each character's piece of narration. This'll be more of an issue when you finish.
Keep it up! Looking forward to more.
I DIDN'T SEE THIS. O.0
This review is hereby my new favorite. *puts poster beside it* They're always so helpful, and I loved how this one seemed to pay special attention to my description, which is always so very in need of it. <3 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, there are lots of breaks in my novel. Ergh. I need to figure out how I'll smooth the edges over
in my second and third draftsto make this more readable when put together. And you're absolutely right about my use of adjectives and nouns. I'll work on that, too.<3
Aw, thanks! No problem. <3
You're right. The character does seem to change a lot. And thank you, thank you for telling me you noticed that. This is the girl, the second character. Both of the previous chapters have been from the boy's perspective.
This character is British! Although I think the feeling may die away in the 7/8 chapters because they're not as good. >.< Yet another thing you noticed which I thank you for telling me.
hmmm... No description? I implemented a different style of description with her, true. I was/am still struggling with her POV and the description/narration of her parts. I will continue to work on it.
Thank you. As always, your review was super helpful. <3
*chuckles*
>.< hee-hee
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
This'll be a nice, short review as I really don't have much to say.
Okay, there's been one thing that I've been holding back from commenting on because when I say it out loud it makes me feel stupid. I was totally under the impression that it was the boy who had followed the woman. Now the girl is the one following her? Oh, they're both following her? I feel like I've missed something. Yeah, I've definitely missed something. Must be my unobservantness kicking in. (yes, that's a word now :3)
Ooooh, so her outfit has change now that she's in this room? Very interesting. I wonder how that happened. Must be magic or something. And why is it important that she's dressed like this and not running around in this robe that she was in earlier? Questions questions. Must read on for answers.
Must also learn how to write proper sentences in reviews and stop typing exactly what I'm thinking word for wordThis seems a bit contradictory. How can she be shoving through in a polite way? Shoving represents an intense pushing. That's not exactly polite. Maybe think of a different way to describe her making her way through the room? Especially if she's trying to be polite.
I'm very intrigued. They're finally out of that terrible room and are now going through something completely different. I can't wait to find out what's up with her changing clothes and hair. And what all of these people are doing in that room (something that I might not actually find out). I have just as many questions that I did before! What are you doing to us??!! xD
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank youuuu for this review, Noelle. And I am sowwy I didn't reply earlier. You are totally right about both of them following her, but I should make it more clear. So I will fix that.
hee-hee You're right. shoving ain't politenesiessness. (true word. look it up. oh, yes). I will fix that
when I get around to editingSalutations, Timmy! Raven is here to review chapter three of this story! Your novels parent here in a reasonable time frame! Haha. Now, let's get onto the review, shall we?
Ooh, new view point character. Nice! Another character to analyze
and devour her soul.... The character is spelling stuff "the British way," and we already know she is English. So the way she spells is really cool and just reassures us that in fact, thispoorperson from the UK.First things first, I loved that description. It was short, and straight to the point. No long, rambling sentences about the colour!
Wait, how did the girl know what the seaside looked like? I thought the "test subjects" didn't remember anything.
There is a part where a lot of line breaks were used (and yes, I know it was to signify a time skip or something like that.) However, a simple *** could be used to signal that! Though, that doesn't have to be used. Just a suggestion!
Woah, where is she now? Is it like a set point in time where she has to fix everything...? Or is it some sort of test? I'm guessing the latter. (Wait, yeah, it's the latter.) I'm just really wondering about the part about elephant. XD Was that an attempt to be funny? Or was it that the time period (or place, or even dimension ) she was in had a lot of music about elephants? Because that has interested me.
Ooh, poor character. You are an evil, evil author. Well, this is all I have to say about this chapter! Thank you for writing it and I hope you Keep on writing!
Thanks for reviewing this, Raven. It means a lot to me. <3
Evil author, I am. Yessss. Their memory was wiped, not any knowledge. I'm leading up to an explanation in fourth chapter... I think.
Hi, Timmy! I am here and ready to review.
Wow. This is certainly an interesting chapter and I luuuurve the new perspective of Girl. I really enjoyed seeing this differing of character, you can really see how they vary. I like that. Characters are *thee most important part of a story as a reader is always saying how absorbed they get when "living" and "seeing" the MC's world. Perspective is so, sooo important and I really like the perspective of this girl. She has that spice to her that mesa like.
Also, you have a surely weird place that you have created. I am bamboozled. When I read that she changed clothes and that she had her hair short, I was like, "Whhhuuuurrrttt?" How can this be, dear friend? Like you said to me in your last review, I will say this to you: I know you will come up with (or have) an awesome explanation for this. Although I would say I think personally I would have been freaking out more, as Girl seemed awfullying calm about the situation. That didn't seem quite right. Maybe that is shown more in the next chapter?
Anywaaaaaay... onto the nitpicks.
I didn't think this seemed quite right so I did a bit of research (if you can call it that) and I find out that ambience means atmosphere, so I am not quite sure if this is quite right. Atmospheres can't really warp into something else, but maybe yo could say "the unexpected atmosphere hit me..." yes? Hope this was clear.
Okay. So I'm not too sure what else the sandy coloured walls remind Girl of, is it important? I feel as if it is but I couldn't imagine what.
What I thought was wrong is the full stop and then "process 1". I think it should be "... hall: Process 1."
Remember what I said about dashes and taking parts out for it to make sense? Well. Here's another example of it. So if you take out "his legs closely resembling oversized green-beans" the sentence wouldn't really make sense.
Hmmmm... Nope. This is not right. The part underlined needs to be in the previous sentence. As it is the same idea so it needs to be in the first part.
Good description. Mesa like.
*There was another pause
No dashes are needed here!!! You could just merely put: "I can safely say that this isn’t what I expected. The scene changes so fast that it becomes something so much different than the one before and I feel as though I have been flung off a merry-go-round into a place only-God-knows-where." Yesh? Yesh.
Oh dear. This is not quite right. The dashes are actually needed elsewhere. Like so: "Dozens of them—all dressed up in suits and fancy dresses like they are off to a wedding (or a funeral) —stand in a circle, chatting and laughing uproariously."
Uh-uh O.O poor Girl.
Oooo. Biblical term. But technically there is only one Red-Sea
This is fascinating. I cannot wait to see what will happen next! G'aaaaagggh! I want to know what will await these wonderful MCs'.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Thank you for your amazing review. Every single time I read one, I cry. :') You help me out so much.
<333333333
Awwwwwwwwwwww, Timmy :') You're welcome so sooooo much!!!
<3333333333
Hey, Tim! So I think I'll be spending less time scouring over the nit-picky business this time and just type down my thoughts over this as I read. Let's see if I can scrounge up some criticism.
Nitpicks/Suggestions:
Okay, so I think I'm that late reviewer who's been saved from the confusation that previous reviewers may have encountered, and wheep! New perspective! Nice. XD At first I found it hard to tell the difference since there wasn't much of a shift in the narrative voice, and it read the same way the previous chapters did. So, initially, I did think it was the same person. So if someone were to, say, not look at the "Girl" besides the chapter title, they'd totally think it was the same narrator as in the previous bits. I'm not asking for a too-drastic change, but the thing is: These are different people. People who think in different ways. They respond differently to their environment, react differently to different stimuli... Basically, their trails of thoughts curve down different paths. One might not sound so philosophical in the head as the other does, nor is it necessary for the way they both observe things to be so ... similar.
I like that you're writing in a perspective different from your own. Now, the internal voice while writing in perspective--whether it's male or female--isn't really that different, I think. Both are people. Both observe their surroundings. But their opinions may vary. They might interpret them in different ways. They may have different meanings attached to different objects and ideas.
Now, since you've switched to a female point of view, might I suggest focussing on colour, space, and detail? I read somewhere that girls tend to be more detail-oriented, although that is merely a generalization. Don't get way stiff with trying to keep the perspective straight, either; you'll settle into it soon enough. The internal voices of both males and females is actually very similar. But, see, the thing is: In a novel that switches between two completely different perspectives, you need to draw a dividing line. So in the end, you don't have to tell us the perspective has changed. The reader can automatically feel it.
Am I rambling here?Another thing I'd like to mention is that while you've given us enough background to work with for Boy, you have to make sure you do the same for Girl. When I began reading this, I thought Girl was in a situation very similar to Boy's: she was being escorted out of the room as well. So I'd like some details of how she got there, in the beginning of the chapter maybe? Was "the woman" the same Tiger-lily lady who took Boy out as well? If so, Girl could mention her coming back for her or something. I want some foundation to work with. It feels like we're scraping the bare surface of the girl's thoughts. So more insight on this, please?
All right, so let me see if I can spot the similarities between the style in this chapter and the previous ones.
1] Dashes. That isn't a issue. It's your style. Just something I noticed, and it's okay; but you do use them often, and it's something I've grown to associate with the way Boy thinks. So it threw me off a little.
2] Side thoughts. A lot of 'em. Fragments. Pretty concise. We don't dive into too much of history; there are no thoughts to provide much of a foundation, either. I remember mentioning it while I reviewed the first chapter, I think, that it would be nice to know how much the narrator remembers, and how they interpret their location? Special meanings. Search for them. Point them out.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
~ Insert some sensory description? You used quite a lot of that in the previous chapters and it always works to great effect. Is the passage the girl's taken through air-conditioned? Or can she feel the heat against her skin? Is she sweating? How does she feel? Do her limbs hurt from being strapped to her cot for so long? Is she afraid? Oh, so many questions you could answer!
~ The beginning felt a little cliché to me.To be honest, the song, 'A whole new world' rang through my head when I read it. Not quite befitting to the moment at hand. *coughs* Maybe you could start off with a thought instead? Like, "The moment I walk through the doorway, I expect more steel. More (insert description here). But I am surprised by what I see..."
Yes, that's an awful example, but you get what I mean, yes?
~ Ehm, stupid nitpick, but perhaps it would sound better as: "The colours change."?
~ The word 'unknown' just seems really weird there. Like, if the hallway's known--I mean, the people in the facility know about it, obviously--then how can it be unknown? I didn't really understand.
Okay, so this is getting really interesting! I do wish we had some more thought and description in this because there were quite a few fly-away ends in this chapter, but it works as a great hook. It also managed to intrigue me even further
if that's possible, so great job! I did feel as though the pacing could have been slowed down a little and have given the readers some time to find their feet, but overall, it was absolutely lovely.~And so the plot thickens. Ooh.~
I'll get to the next chapter soon. Uhm, hoping school doesn't crash down on my sanity any time soon, that is.
Keep writing! Keep up the splendiferous work!
~Pomp c:
Thanks for your amazing review, Pomps! I always reference your work as I do re-writes. I hope I do the perspective thing better as we go along here. I admit that the style changes with each chapter - for the better or worse. I may finally fall into the right groove... maybe.
Hai Timmy!
Well, this was definitely an interesting chapter. I'm so confused because I have no idea what is going on, but then again I mean that in the best possible way because I think we're not really supposed to know what is going on anyways xD You've caused us to think of a lot of questions and I hope that in future chapters we soon get to hear all the answers! And quickly too, because there are some things that I really want to know! This story only gets more mysterious, doesn't it?
One thing that didn't bother me to much until now but has started nagging me is that this chapter 3 and still don't know either of the main characters names! I didn't mind at the beginning because they were supposed to be in a state of confusion. I know they still are supposed to be, but we're shifting on to a new idea and I feel like it's time we should stop referring to the main character as 'she' and 'he' all the time. Or at least put it in there somewhere soon!
Only because I know we are dealing with another character gives me enough knowledge to say this. But if you don't want to leave poor people like Arcticmonkey in the poor state of confusion, then it is helpful to say who's point of view we are seeing things from at the beginning of a chapter. Even though we don't even know their names yet, it would be nice to just have in bold 'The Girl' or the 'The Guy/Boy/whatever' at the top. It would be super helpful ^.^
Also, sometimes just knowing the character we're reading about is female can make them more feminine in the readers mind. That doesn't seem like it makes logical sense, but it does work, I promise. It should help with that problem a little bit
Seeing as she is wearing it herself and this is present tense, those should actually be these.
I don't know what kind of girl this person is, but if I am going by what my girl instincts would tell me to do, the first thing I would think of is that I am out of place because I am wearing a stained apron. I feel like this is something she might realize sooner as well?
You mention that they could be dressed for a funeral or a wedding, but I feel like that could easily be discovered by colours. Black meaning funeral, white meaning wedding and all colours meaning it could just be a party. I feel it weird that she isn't able to distinguish which one it could be.
I know you are kind of going for the Englishness effect here, but us British do know a loo is a bathroom, at the very list. Even some of us English people use it ourselves over loo. So maybe this isn't really a time to bring her Englishness up to light?
Okay, I don't have much more to say, and I am looking forwards to reading the next part and being all caught up! (That is, if you haven't posted again by then.) Keep at this ^.^
Deanie x
Thanks for the amazing review, Livvy! You will understand why i can't give her a name yet, and soooon. But I understand what you ar etalking about. I will head each chapter with the POV from now on.
And I will remove that Englishness. I understand what you are talking abouttt. Thank you for your wonderful review, Livvy. It wasn't harsh and it was super helpful.
Heyo!
I really liked how hear we just got so much more character from the MC. I mean, we still don't know his name... I think, I can't remember, not that it's really an issue right now. Yeah, the narration here just seems much more personal. I know the style you're writing in kind of restricts from that, but it's good that you've done a bit here. I repeat myself every chapter, but I always want to read more. It's so mysterious, at the end of chapter 2 I thought there was going to be something bad to happen to the MC, but evidently not (well something could still happen.)
In a previous chapter, you mention the girl having an english accent, which made me think that the MC wasn't American. Unless people say 'bloody' over there, but I'm pretty sure they don't?
I might just be being stupid here, but I didn't really understand this. Are you comparing the coldness he feels to the pain of a knife?
As this is first person, and just generally, saying 'scene' doesn't really fit. It's not really needed here anyway, because then you go onto explain how much everything was changing.
Although yes, it is good in this chapter the narrator has more of a unique voice, using the word 'bloody' here is a bit of an irregularity here, because the previous narration was more... formal. Just seems quite out of place.
This made me laugh! xD
Okay, so I guess he is British. I didn't really understand the point of this, what's the difference between a bathroom and a loo?
Something I found kind of confusing is the way his clothes would just magically change. Hopefully it'll be explained how that actually works, but up until now I thought that this story didn't really have any 'magical' elements. I mean, it might not be 'magic' that did this, but I don't really understand it. Usually I'm like, it's the right amount of mysterious, but this particular bit confuses me.
The other thing is, although there is some, I feel like there should be more descriptions! If we go back to chapter one there is SO much description, and it's great, and you really create this chilling atmosphere. In chapter 2 there isn't so much, because most of it was already mentioned in chapter 1. But here, because he's going to a different place, there should be some more imagery. You mentioned there were people in fancy dress, well what kind of fancy dress? What did the people look like? etc.
Overall, I liked this. I like how we're finally out of the original setting, and some more interesting stuff is starting to happen. Hope this helped, I kind of have a habit or interpreting stuff the wrong way, so sorry if I did that here. Anyways, feel free to ask me any questions.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank you for the amazing review, Arctic!
I have a few questions: Firstly, would it change anything if I told you this was another person's perspective and it was a girl?--the girl?
As for the description... I was trying to move it along a little or this scene would be eleventy-one pages long. Does it move too fast? Now, since its a different person, do you still think the description is lacking? Your opinion is... well, treasured, really. I really appreciate it.
Wait, are you definitely saying it's the girl, now? If so, the voice is quite masculine. Anyways, that's a really cool idea! When I say add more descriptions, you don't need like pages and pages, but I think a tad more is needed
I know you will be going above and beyond the call of duty here, but would you mind telling me something that would be more female viewpoint than male?
It's quite hard to say, yknow. http://barrylyga.com/2013/01/writing-ad ... ing-women/ is an article I found about it. To be honest, there haven't been enough character interactions to really see their gender. When they said everyone was wearing fancy dress, then she looked down at what she was wearing, I was expecting something more feminine. I'll need to think about it, sorry this probably wasn't much help, I guess I'll need to see what it's like it later parts of the novel.
*squishhugs* Thank you ever so much! You're awesome.
Heyyyyy! I dun know if you know, but I have a club for Affinity to keep you updated.
Affinity 3.2 <---- that is just the next chapter, though.
oh, and just in case you wondered... This is where I ping people for next chapters.
clubs.php?id=1991
Hi Timmy! I have been meaning to review this for a while, but just haven't found the time.
Okay, first can I just gush "sunshine and rainbows"? (Okay, not really my style.)
This chapter is really good, and no I am not saying that just because you are one of my favorite people here.
So like the previous chapters this ones pace was really good. Though in some places it seemed slightly rushed, though that is just my opinion.
Details were good, not overly used though in some places you leave the reader grasping for details wanting to know more. But that's good, I guess.
Now onto my favorite part:
There you have it Timmy.
Keep writing,
Tulip.
Thank you for the review, Tulip! I am sooo happy to have you on board!
Glad to be aboard. And your welcome! (Maybe we can follow each others books?)
which one?!
Magic survives. I have the promote up, just need more points for chapter 1
Okay! Give me a day or so. I have some requests I need to get out of the way.