I feel my hair streaming out behind me, one reluctant strand clinging to the side of my mouth as I drop down the invisible abyss. The wind becomes so intense my cheeks are pulled back, forcing my lips into a pained smile.
The bloody blackness continues to grow, and I continue to fall. But my perpetual scream echoes back to me from below. I can’t even see my own hands I feel fluttering in front of me, much less something so far below me, but I know a bottom is down there, approaching as fast as I plummet downwards. Which is fast.
Questions race through my mind as fast as the drop down. Where is this hole at?—this paradox of blackness that seems to go on and on, yet having a bottom. My heart pounds as I realize what awaits at the floor. Death. My body will be a splintered wreck, a pile of mush crumpled on the floor. There will be no surviving this, unless the bottom happens to be a lovely trampoline.
Bracing myself for the impact is impossible. At this speed, I know there is nothing I can do. But my arms tuck themselves without a conscious command, and my legs pull up until I know I resemble a round bug. One that will be squashed.
I do it anyway, closing my eyes as well—even though I know the gesture is pointless—to close out the dark and replace it with my own version: gloomy, but with a tinge of hope, one of my own fabrication. There is none other to be found here. My mouth begins moving, but not in another scream. I find myself forming words—
One, one-thousand
—counting feverishly as the seconds flash by. My echoing scream seems to amplify, the deafening noise trying to drown out my thought. But I count on, not knowing why I do so—
Two, one-thousand
—but taking comfort in the count of time. One more second of life. Just one more. Count them off. Feel them pound by. Each one a fresh memory. A new treasure tucked back. Something to be remembered. Another second of life—
Three, one-thousand
—shatters by, an earsplitting boom! that reminds me of a cannon sounding off close to my ear. I feel myself scream, but I do not hear it. A high-pitched ringing vibrates inside my head, a painful successor of the explosion. It drowns out any other noise that might have filtered through previously. Now I hear nothing. Nothing but the ring—
Four, one-thous
—I am not falling. It is only now I realise that. I lie on a hard surface, my body flung out like a sunbathing lizard. Light shines through my still closed eyes, beckoning them to open. Come out. Just come out.
Blinding whiteness greets me, and for a moment all I can do is blink. A feeling of dejavu washes through me—another occasion of surprising lights filling my vision, only minutes before now.
Wait. Minutes. My stomach flops as I realise everything that has taken place since I walked through that doorway—that innocent, yet mysterious opening the woman (sod her) had ordered me into—had only begun minutes before now.
A little voice prods at my conscious: Get up, already.
I push the voice away, telling it I can remain where I am. That nothing is the matter, that there is no reason to get up and move around—especially since that has only brought me falling and creepy voices so far. But my eyes adjust to the light, and my curiosity takes hold. There is only so much my vision can take in while lying on the ground, a white wall being the only thing I can see.
My legs wobble as I push myself up, and for a moment they seem to be considering the weight—not sure if they can handle it. But they become steady enough for me to stand upright, and take my focus from them to the room around me, although they keep me partially aware of their wobbly existence.
There is no door. Simple white walls create a circle, enclosing me in their embrace. I stand in the middle of them, and I feel really small—an insignificant girl only one and a half meters tall—while this room stretches up and up, seeming to never stop rising above this floor. Light floods the room, coming from the top of the room, I’m sure, but I cannot tell where.
Something reflects light back at me from my peripheral vision, and I edge my feet ever so slowly to face it. A single metal ladder attaches to the side of the room, going up as far as my eyesight will allow. Stainless steel bars climb high; where, I don’t know. I wonder what its purpose is. I peer into the ceiling for a moment longer, not really knowing why I do so but wondering what is up there. What new mysterious torture could be waiting for me at the top.
I just want to crawl up into a ball and lie in the corner, and let the entire world revolve without me. To hole up and allow this to happen by itself, without involving me in its random torture sessions—those I wish I didn’t have to have…
…and then I remember this room has no corners.
Everything slams together in a cacophony of emotion. The hallway, the loo, the fall—and yes, even the condition of my clothes. It all has built up to a pyramid of pain and the room without corners is what topples it. My strength breaks down, and all of the anger and confusion pours out in a rather pitiful sob.
Tears slide down my cheeks, washing away the streaks of soot running down my face. Feeling my botched hair, the tears flow faster. Something so small, yet right now meaning the world to me. No matter how much I tell myself: You are a Stupid crybaby, I cannot stop my blubbering.
At least I am alone here. The only witness to my weakness is myself, and I am disgusted—but I don’t care.
I hear a sound behind me—a small noise, muffled by my persistent crying—and I begin to dismiss it as my imagination running wild, but something stops me. I don’t know why; perhaps a reminder of the moments before, and the plummet that never ended, or perhaps the tears staining my cheek.
Another sound: a simple creak of the floor, but my nerves respond instantly. Before I can even register the command, my body has flipped about—the wobbliness forgotten, and apparently not that important.
The ominous shadow against the wall is the first thing my eyes focus on, and then they shift to its owner. A humanoid figure dressed in black awaits. A long trench coat adorns the powerful shoulders, the seams stretching at the arms—biceps that look as big as my entire body. He stands in a non-threatening way, his shoulders relaxed but meaty hands held close to the side.
But his eyes are fiery, a smolder of red-hot coal. They seem to burn right through me as his stare comes out beneath the dark hood of the trench coat—a cowl casting shadow over the rest of his face.
My heart pounds in my chest. It’s a man, obviously, but mere seconds ago, there was nothing there. No matter how many times I replay the previous moments, I come up with the same answer: Empty room. No man.
“H-hello?” Even my lips quiver as I speak, my voice coming out as a hesitant vibrato.
Authors note: Okay, I am going to admit something: Ihaveneverwrittenascenewithapersoncryingbeforeinallmydaysofwriting.How did I do?
Also, there were some experimental things in this, you may notice with the style, especially. How did those work out for you?
End of chapter
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139,487 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
Its a new day up here in Canada, warm and sunny, perfect to get started on reviewing a couple things before I continue on to do some school work =P
Hello once again TimmyJake! As you might have already guessed, I am here to review the next chapter of your wonderful book. This chapter was really cool, I have to admit. I found some grammatical mistakes and I have a couple suggestions for you, but all in all this chapter never failed to amaze me. I loved it. Your chapters just keep getting better and better, pulling me into the story. I wish it was already published so I could have to actual book in front of me to read whenever I want. Goodbye schoolwork, hello book =P
First off this chapter was written extremely well and I am very inspired to write my own book right now...but I can't xD I loved the fast paced, whatsgonnahappennext, feeling I got from this chapter. It was cool and well written. As the story progresses I find myself wondering, once again, whats going to happen next? I can't wait to read more from you =)
A couple suggestions I have - #1 Some of your sentences are a little short and choppy. For some people that is just their style of writing, but I do suggest that you might try combining sentences a little more. You start alot of them off with the word "but" and grammatically I don't think your allowed to do that. It makes things look sloppy. For example, you wrote -
'The bloody blackness continues to grow, and I continue to fall. But my perpetual scream echoes back to me from below.'
That sounds a little to...choppy. It doesn't flow like it should, do you get my meaning? Maybe try combining the two sentences together, writing something like this, "The bloody blackness continues to grow as I continue to fall, yet my perpetual scream echoes back to me from below."
*Just a suggestion.
#2 - Your wrote - 'My legs wobble as I push myself up, and for a moment they seem to be considering the weight—not sure if they can handle it. But they become steady enough for me to stand upright, and take my focus from them to the room around me, although they keep me partially aware of their wobbly existence.'
This sentence doesn't flow to good, but I am sure if you kinda fiddled around with it, it would. Maybe say - "My legs wobble as I push mysef up and for a moment they seem to be considering the weight - not sure if they can handle holding my entire body. After the first couple seconds, my legs become steady enough for me to stand upright. I take my focus from them to the room around me, although they keep me partially aware of their wobbly exsitence.'
Just kinda fiddling with a couple words here and there made it sound more smoother, if you know what I mean =)
Your style of writing is very good and I enjoy it, it reminds me of books I read that are already published. Your doing great! I apologize if this review was a little harsher than the other ones =) I don't mean to in any way, discourage you or anything. Quite the opposite actually, you have talent and it could go very far. I just thought that the information might help you in the future. Your writing is amazing, and I am quite jealous of it actually. As I said before, I can't write stories in the first person, and you do a very good job of that. I can't wait to read more!
Goodbye for now, see you on your next chapter!
Another amazing review. <3
I never follow the rules of English, tho. ;_; But I see what you mean - less usage of but coming your wayyyy. And my sentences need help.
THAT SENTENCE. *hides* Now that needs fixing. xd
Thanks again.
I AM HERE. *flails* Also, I'm on a phone and felt like reviewing anyway (despite the many typos I know I will end up making) so yeah. Aaand because I am clueless as to how the whole copy/pasting thing works with phones, I'm going to make this review short. DX
Right, so that beginning: I like how you cut straight to the scene with which we ended the last part instead of diving into a monologue, and it's a gripping re-entry. I'm going to be a little picky with the description, though; I like it, but how is the abyss 'invisible'? Like, when something is invisible you can't see it, obviously; but can an abyss honestly be described as invisible if you know it's an abyss that you're plunging into, and although it's way too dark to actually see the walls of the mini-chasm or whatever, it's still a hole in the visible sense? I'm rambling now--sorry. >.> Er ... you might want to consider getting rid of the 'invisible', though.
'Bloody blackness' sounds horribly forced and unnatural; I'm pretty sure Girl is too frightened to swear in an 'I am annoyed' fashion. Because she just sounds like she's complaining, which is odd, given that her wits have probably ditched her with only fear for company. This could just be me, but I've found that, in some cases, swearing does fit in with the narration and allow everything to flow. But at other times, all it does is jar what could have been a better flow. Most of the time, I've noticed, there's this sixth sense that guides you towards the use of certain expressions, while sometimes it's more insecurity than whim that compels you to write phrase 'such and such' just so you seem more in-character. Don't ever let that insecurity overpower your natural flow. Your words build your characters, not the other way around!
The third paragraph is kind of clunky, what with some rather awkwardly-phrased sentences. Read them out loud and smooth them over. Mrm, I feel like Girl is a very matter-of-fact, no-nonsense person, as opposed to Boy who has a ... softer personality? She's also quite cynical.
I like her.I do feel, though, that she isn't taking the whole potential death thing all that hard, and that isn't very convincing because it downplays the whole climactic carpet you're unrolling here. It tells us that she might survive, more so because of the lack of emotion (in the initial paragraphs) than anything. I mean, bloody heck, Timmy, you need to torture your readers some more. And I like the sarcasm, though it does seem ever-so-slightly off and again THIS COULD JUST BE ME.There's more telling and less showing here, and while writing is pretty much telling but in a showing way (excuse how twisted that sounds), the atmosphere falls lax in places. Like, when Girl closes her eyes and creates 'a darkness of her own, but with a tinge of hope', I was curious to see what kind of hope it was, and how she struggled to convince herself that it was real.
Dang, the paras following this are reaaaally nice. I like how you fused the emotion together so well, along with Girl's countdown. Now, if only this emotion was present in the beginning as well....
NO, Timmy; 'blinding whiteness' is cliche. DO YOU REALLY WANT CLICHE, NOW, HUH?
I spy a couple more awkward sentences. 'Occasion' of lights is also clumsily phrased. I'm deprived of the copy/paste function buuut you might want to insert a comma here:
Another thing: if this is set on earth, then the laws of physics must be listened to. When the girl was falling, initially she'd accelerate, and then slow down to a terminal velocity, which means that she'd fall at a constant speed. No getting fast suddenly, or slower. And when she'd crash into the floor (because she definitely should have crashed, if she fell from such a great height as you've led us to believe), she'd probably break every bone in her body and die. Yes, I'm being dead annoying here, but this is something you might want to pay attention to. Survival should always be realistic, unless it's fantasy, and even then...
Oh, man. That crying scene though! You wrote it well; why're you worried? XD The buildup was great, as was the breakdown, and the feeling hung thick. Lovely stuff.
That's all I've got to say for this chapter. I'm really enjoying this, although my late reviews might suggest otherwise (-_-), and jeeesh typing on phones is so hard howdopeopledoitt?
Hope this helped. PM me if you need anything, greenface.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
~Pomp ^^
Dory Dory Dory - thank you soo much for this. Your dedication to this novel makes me much happy, especially since you're writing it on a phone. >< I tried that once. EGH EGH. Dun work too well. xD I appreciate it. <3 This helps me so much, and yes, I need to work on her feelings throughout the first parts especially.
I WILL PM YOU, GREENFACE.
Hey, Timmy! Happy Review Day!
So I read this, and I froze when I realized I had nothing major to nitpick. Still, I'm forcing myself to write a review on every chapter of Affinity, no matter how perfect or amazing or wonderful it is. Curse your talent.
Crying scene. Epic. You act like writing a character who cries was so traumatic for you and will completely turn your life around. XD The truth is, girls cry loads. And over pointless things. And if the girl's sensitive/smart enough (egh, I feel so cold and detached saying this), she'll overcome the embarrassment that accompanies crying and even welcome it, kind of, as a way to relieve overwhelming emotion. Even a sappy movie can trigger the tears (I should know, having endured The Notebook with a friend and all >.>).
I spied plenty of other opportunities for the girl to experience a vivid rush of emotion, and they weren't discussed, so I'm going to assume she's strong. And if she's strong, I'd assume she'd be more abashed than was displayed when tears ran down her cheeks. I guess there's the internal dialogue--calling herself a crybaby--but it didn't feel ... sufficient. I want to hear her beat herself up more.
That said, I love love love all the stylistic risks you took this chapter. The countdown. Man, suspense! And the way you broke off at "thous" without using an M-dash or ellipsis--that was parfait. It crafted that blank horror and disbelief that I can only attribute to the feeling I got when Bellatrix shot Sirius Black in the chest and he went falling through that curtain. Or when that laugh was still etched upon Fred's face as he died.
I don't even want to imagine what'll happen to me if you kill off a major character.
So, onto ze petty nitpicks!
A pained smile is a voluntary action--sure, it's reluctant, but it was commanded by the brain's control center where the message went shooting through nerves and landed in the victim's cheek muscles. I'd try another adjective, and you could even insert some more description, describing the shape and contour of the smile, or her terror at the way the wind's manipulating her face.
I feel like the word "down" is a bit redundant in this sentence. Maybe try exchanging "is down there" for "does exist."
Three things contradicting each other here: "splintered wreck," "pile of mush," and "crumpled."
The word "splintered" sparks in the mind images of shards of glass and shattered silences and wood broken clean in two lines, like a limb bent at the joint--whereas "pile of mush" implies ... mush. No lines. No joints. Just oatmeal. Then "crumpled" comes dancing along to contribute images of balled-up paper and dollar bills that'd been stuffed carelessly in someone's pocket, or a particularly mangled corpse that was angled in odd places, and I, as the reader, am mucho confused.
Try selecting one piece of description and centering the rest around it; I'd recommend "splintered wreck," because it's the most vivid and most terrifying.
Egh. Redundancy and awkward wording. Maybe extending the second part, discussing time's comforting solidity and how she takes solace in the fact that each second she counts is another second her heart's beating--that kind of stuff.
The fragments are too amazing. I need to gush over them for a moment before I move on.
"Still closed" should be hyphenated--two words serving as a singular adjective.
Don't forget ze accents! "Déjà." Also, "vu" is a separate word.
Heh, I love how this paragraph referred to the narrator's legs as an individual possessing a separate consciousness. Clever.
Should be hyphenated.
Semicolons are only used to bridge independent clauses, so exchange that semicolon for a colon or an M-dash (M-dashes serve so many purposes). Take a look at this.
The previous sentence was centered around a plural noun; here, this sentence, which also correlates to the previous sentence, is centered around a singular noun. Consistency: "I wonder what their purpose is."
I think you meant "his side" here.
(This is usually where I insert some reflection on the piece, but I don't have anything to say. This was easily your best chapter yet. The action and description just combined to make a delicious brew of eye-to-the-page-gluing intensity, and I'm catching less and less technical mistakes. How are you doing this? O.o)
Keep it up! Looking forward to more, as always!
Jo, this review is, as you say, parfait. heehee Thank you for continuing on with my novel, and I also consider this as one of my best chapters. I believe that is the one and only semi-colon in all of Affinity. xd And, yeah, those hyphens? I forget most of them. blergh. >< I will keep a better eye on them now.
<33
<333
Hiya! FireeeeBirrrrddddd99999 here for a review!
I'm just going to drop right into the nitpicks, for I am quite sure you already know how much I love this novel =).
You said 'fast' about three times in the last 20 words. You might want to find a different word to replace at least one of them =P
The crying was good. The only thing is, so far you are showing that she is a strong character. Maybe you should make her cry not so much as a 'cry baby' but a strong cry.....uh never mind. I don't know how to express what I am saying in words =).
Lovin it!
Annie
Thank youuuu for yet another lovely review, Annie! Thank you thank you for catching that redundancy. xd
Youuuurrrr wweeelllllcccooommmmeee, Timmmmmmyyyyyyy!!!!!! =P
*feeds you cookies*
Thank you so, so much for your continuing reviews, Jumpy. You have no idea how much this helps me. Every review just gets better and better. I approve of this style. ^.^ thanks, again. <3
Thanks timmy! *Gives christmas present*
Hey, Timmy! I haven't review Affinity in a long while. Welp, here I am.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about this chapter. It is good, but not as action packed as I had expected. Which surprises me, but also makes sense. The current POV has just been through a terrifying ordeal, and honestly, the reader is on their toes waiting for the next horrible thing.
Then we read about the man. Our breath caught in our throats. Thinking that she would have to run for her life— then the man is gone. While we wonder if that is the after effects of the earlier event... but now that I think some more. The person could have been a hologram or he could have been (somehow) transported there, and somehow got out. That would explain the noise. At least something like that. Erm, wow. I feel like I'm rambling now. Goodness, I need to review more often.
The crying scene was done rather well! (Gosh, you haven't written a crying scene before. Noooob.) I kinda feel bad for her. No one should be ashamed of crying. However, there she is, curled up on the floor, disgusted by herself. So, the question that should be asked is, why exactly is she ashamed? She got out alive, and everyone cries over something. Was she raised to remorseful for just letting out a few feelings? The voice she heard in her head, calling her stupid— I wonder if she had heard that before from someone, in a different life. Affecting the way she thinks now. Because why would anyone be stupid just for crying?
I don't think the capitalized 's' needs to be there.
With the POV character speaking out, that reminded me of a horror movie. >.> "Is anyone there? Hello?" "Yes, I'm in the kitchen! I'll be out to murder you in a second." That's like some kind of foreshadowing to the next chapter. *waits for something to answer back*
WAIT, what if the man could turn invisible? Then he would be able to call back to her.
I dunno what I'm saying now. I'm tired.Overall, this was a great chapter, and I'm ready to read the next one!I also feel like this review is short, but I think the next one will be longer.~Rae
Thank you for this wonderful review, Raven. :3 I do believe you're up to where you began with Affinity now! This was a wonderful review, and I didn't notice any shortness or
moreweirdnessthan usualin this review. It was incredibly helpful. :3Yeah, dat stupid 'S'. >.< I really need to edit that out. xD
Spoiler
Hi there!
Man, I love these kind of random thoughts characters have when something bad is going on. Why on earth would she be thinking of a tiny strand of hair when she's falling into nothing? It's funny and gives her a bit of a quirk.
Eh, I'm not a big fan of things like this. Obviously it's fast because we've just been told it's fast. It kind of reminds me of how a kid would explain something. "It was fast. So fast that it was fast. As fast as it was fast."
that was so mean, I'm so sorryhehe. Yes, a large, wonderful, loving trampoline.
I'm rambling again. Please stop me.
You've never written a crying scene before?? Could've fooled me. It was written wonderfully and you did a good job portraying the emotion. What I don't like about most crying scenes is that they just focus on the crying and the sadness. You didn't do that. You gave us the crying and the sadness, but you also gave us a sort of anger. The girl was mad that she was crying and was glad that no one was there to see it. There was more than one emotion in that scene and that's what I loved seeing.
Yup, most definitely your best chapter. Why? Probably because of all the emotion and intensity. You know me, I love some great action! Of course, it's sad that the action here was the girl falling to her supposed death, but I enjoyed reading it. It was interesting to see her thought process as she fell. The part with the counting the seconds left until she died was brilliant. It definitely gave the entire scene that something else that made it more enjoyable. I'm so curious now as to where shew as falling to/from (yes, the bathroom -- ahem, loo -- but where really was that?) and how/why she didn't die. If you're falling for that long, you're going to die. Why did she not die? What must I know??!!
Again, great work with this. I could seriously sit here all night and tell you everything you did right, but you don't want to hear that. Nope, uh uh. That wouldn't interest you at all
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for your review, Noelle. <3 As always, you're so amazing and help me so mucchhhhh. Thank youuuuuuu
Uh, yeah. I need to work on the "fast" line. xD She was going just a teeeensy bit fast. hee-hee
Ermehgawd. This isn't a review--I'll come back and do that later--but this is your best chapter yet.
*goes off to read the rest*
<3333 You're the best, Dory. And dun worry about it. *squishhugs*
Hey, Timmy darling ~ yes, I am here yet again.
I must be boring you.Onto the nitpicks!
This isn't a nitpick. Don't worry. I just wanted to say how I loved this! It was really clear and I could picture it perfectly. I felt like I was falling with her.
Actually, yes. I need to point this out. You say the abyss is invisible and yet you go onto to say how black it is. I get you are saying that it it was invisible to the eye because it was so black, but I think many people would trip over that and not properly understand. I know adding in "black" all the time would be repetitive and boring, but there are plenty of over adjectives to add in. Ebony... Jett black... Inky... even dark.
Hmmmmm... technically, we would know that Girl can feel her hands. After all... we do know how to feel. It is not like it is alien to us. So, even though she can't see her hands, she can feel them -- we may be
blondebrunettes, but we can automatically assume these things. So I think the "feel" is a little pointless.This action has ready been done, so how can she do it again?
I like how she can see hope though. Clever
Earsplitting is not all one word. It is two.
Déjà vu, not "dejavu".
I'm sorry. But I have to do it. You need a dash here. Like so: "Wait — minutes."
"brought me falling"? I don't think that sounds quite like something Girl would say. Maybe "has caused me to fall and hear creepy voices".
1.5 metres is 4.9212598 (4.9 ft.) feet tall. Wow, she's small.
Yet again, another word: cowl.
"a large loose hood, especially one forming part of a monk's habit."
A you seriously trying to creep me out? This is getting weirder and stranger and I'm so scared. I feel like poor Girl right now. Baffled out of my brains. I'm like: Whowhatwherewhyhow? xD I am not so confused any more. Sure I have questions, but I can now piece together some things. This is really interesting! I am loving it.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
YOU GOT IT. I have been having problems with finding her height. Could you tell me how tall 5'4 would be in meters?
Thank you for this wonderful review, Heather. <3 You are so amazing.
Hee hee. 1.65 is practically 5'4
but it is near enough to say a metre and a a half I guess. 
You're welcome <333 you are amazing too
Hi timmy, here at last!
). The first line about the hair on the girl was good, because I guess when someone says long hair, the first thing I imagine is a girl, not that boys can't have long hair, but you know what I mean.
I liked how you managed to extend the character simply falling for so long, because it really built up some tension. Not gonna lie, it kind of reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, but this story seems to be much darker and scarier (and less druggy
The first thing I want to talk about is something about the novel overall~ the narrative. I think I finally understand now that Chapter 1-2 is from the boy's perspective and Chapter 3 is from the girl's perspective. At first I thought they sounded to similar because of the way they were written, which is, really similar, but you are just one author. I think when I was reading from Chapter 2 to 3, I just thought 3 was a continuation, it didn't seem like a new character. The new 'girl' 'boy' headings will help, but also think about introducing the new girl character a bit better.
I found this kind of informal, I think 'where is this hole?' would be better.
I'm not quite sure what you were trying to do with these one word sentences... but they seem a bit out of place to me.
Okay, so if I was in her position and I was falling, presumably to my death, I think there are certain things I'd be thinking about. For example, my family. Actually, that's something the confused me here, have these characters come to this place forgetting everything? If not, I really think something on their back stories is needed. If I was falling, I'd be thinking about all the people I love. Actually, if I woke up alone in a cray-cray place (yes I'm calling it that) the first thing I'd think about is all the people in my life who have gone. Obviously, not everyone thinks the same, but these characters have just been put in this story, and they don't seem to have had a life before this. (Forgive me if I'm wrong, and that was the point that they've forgotten everything.)
I really did like the fall part, how every second was extended and she shared her thoughts after counting. However, the landing is a bit confusing to me. You say she landed on a hard surface, so surely that would break her back and whatnot. Now I appreciate that this place is weird, settings and characters tend to pop out of nowhere, but she must've felt some kind of impact.
Lastly, the crying. The crying was done really well, me thinks. In that topic in resources, you asked how much girls cry- I'm assuming you wanted to know for this scene. Let me just say, for anyone in her position, crying is expected. To be honest, I would've expected them to start crying much much earlier on.
Overall, I really liked reading this. Hope this helped, feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thank you for this amazing review, Tam! Now as to the memory thing, whether they have their memories erased or not, I have something to remind you of in the book as we go along. Yes, their memories are gone. I just need to reiterate that more often so my readers continue to understand.
Thanks again! I am sooo glad the crying scene worked out okay.
Hi Timmy!
And as for the thread you put up about needing help writing a female character and all... it doesn't really show much in this chapter as well. I think she's sounding as feminine as any girl can be and it all looks good to me. So 
YAY I am all caught up *does a little dance*
Secondly, DOUBLE YAY for have genders by the titles! *does an even bigger dance*
aaaand now it is time to review xD
As Blue already said, I think you did the crying scene pretty well. I liked how it was just a small thing, like a room having no corners that tipped her over the precarious edge and left her in tears. I like how no matter how much she tried to stop it, she still couldn't avoid the tears that kept running down her face. So, for someone who has never written a crying scene before, you've successfully written your very first one very well. You should be pleased
I didn't really like the use of 'bloody' here because well, it's not really an adjective is it? It's more so something to demonstrate rudeness, so it doesn't feel right to even have her using it when she is trying to describe something she is experiencing. Or maybe it is, but it just didn't fit here. Maybe a different adjective would be a bit fitting.
Okay, so this is probably something I have pestered you about in the previous review as well; the confusion. By now - and that by now meaning by chapter 3 - I still have no answers, whatsoever. Things are unfolding which is great, but I can't fully grasp them because I haven't even grasped the basics yet. If this were a novel I was reading, if I was honest, I probably would have put it down by now. The fact of the matter is, the reader need some answers, or at least a line they can cling on to when they know nothing else about what is going on. In most stories it's just that they know the character, and that is enough. But in this case we don't even know their names yet, so it can't be that, and I can't help feeling really lost. We need some answers soon. And I don't mean all the answers, but something otherwise the reader is going to be swimming in a sea of happenings with no clue what is really going on.
I find it funny that she knows only a few minutes have passed by in time. Sometimes when people simply faint for the a small amount of time, they don't even know how long they've been gone for. Let alone when it comes to whatever has been going on in her head. So maybe she doesn't know, or there is another way she finds out which isn't so internal?
I loved the darkness scene when she was continuously falling through it. I liked the counting and how she was trying to hang on to her last moments of life, as any normal person would do. Aside from the crying, I think this was one part you wrote exceptionally well.
I don't really have much to say xD These chapters are mostly brilliant in themselves which doesn't leave us with much to critique. Looking forward to whenever you post the next chapter
Deanie x
Wow, you would really have put it down? I must do some work on this, then. I plan on making this chapter much shorter, and this scene more concise... Thank you for being honest with me.
Thank you for this brilliant review, Livvy.
You know what? As a woman, I did not at all have a problem reading this as a female character. You're absolutely fine on this, dudebro. First of all--this is just my image of women being more likely to have long hair than men, even though that's not always the case--the moment she mentions "hair streaming out behind me," I picture a woman. Plus, the way she responds to her own crying sounds a lot like how I respond to my own crying, when I cry...
And by the way, touching on your final author's note there at the end, I think the crying was handled very well. She's mad at herself for blubbering--even though I'm pretty sure most people would be blubbering after falling and thinking they were going to die--but she doesn't just keep dwelling on it, and her crying doesn't affect her other actions, like her response when the man appears out of nowhere.
Now, admittedly, I haven't read the earlier parts of this (although, after reading this, maybe I will, because your writing is pretty good), so maybe the confusion for people is just that you're in a male POV earlier in the story and then switch. (If that's what happens...for all I know, you're in a female POV the whole time. I'll find out when I read from the beginning.) In that case, my suggestion would simply be to help the reader see the switch by titling each chapter with the viewpoint character's name. Like, I don't know their names right now, but for example: Instead of "Chapter One," you would title chapter one "Tom." And then this chapter wouldn't be "Chapter Three," it would be, I dunno, "Meredith."
(So sorry cuz I don't know any of their names yet.)An example of a book that does that is Barbara Kingsolver's Poisonwood Bible. It's told from the first-person POVs of five different females, so each chapter starts a new viewpoint--which, by the way, also helps, because if you switch viewpoints mid-chapter, it'll be super-confusing--and is titled with the speaking-character's name.
So that could help keep people from getting confused, but as for "writing like a girl," this was absolutely fine for me. Keep doing what you're doing, dudebro.
Blue
Thank you so much, Blue! To tell you the truth, first person, present tense is very hard for me, and its taking a while to get the ideas to just flowwwww... But its getting there. As for the girl/boy thing, I totally understand and I am sooo happy that you understood! YAY! I will change the titles to make it so that the reader understands.
Thank you again!
...whoa. I didn't even notice this was in present tense when I was reading it! Wow. So that means you did that really well, too. Holy cow.
you too nice.
thank you.
Wow, just wow.
You packed so much suspense into four seconds, that I needed to take a breath afterward. I haven't read any of the previous installments, and so my comments stem only from this work.
Very well done!
Your diction and descriptive ability really gives a powerful voice to your protagonist. I've always found it hard to 'grab and hold' the reader's attention in 1st person POV but you definitely got it! I also like the continual build up throughout the chapter; everything is leading into something else, yet the pace is not so frenzied that the reader cannot mentally follow.
(I got a very 'through the rabbit hole' sense from reading this. But as I have not read any of the previous installments, I have no idea if this is actually legit).
Thank you!
Thank you for this wonderful review! Its very encouraging and helpful.
Guys, Timmy. Back for part 3.
And wwwwwwoooooooowwwwww. Never has anyone on this site have managed to get me hooked to their novel,but here I am again.
Okay review time. (But not before I get some food xD) Okay, now to get on with the review. (I had some Cheez-its.)
Just like with the previous parts of this chapter, the events and setting flow very well between each one. You don't repeat anything but you remind the reader about what happened at the end of the previous chapter, in a subtle way.
We have yet to learn her name yet. For me it is something that I struggle with. In my novels you learn my MC's name within the first two chapters. I do believe it helps the tone of the novel stay mysterious as she is still trying to figure out who she is and where she is.
Your pacing is very well done.it doesn't go to faster nor to slow. It works brilliantly the way it is. Good job on that.
Why should I have a favorite part when the entire thing is my favorite.
Keep writing, Timmy.
From, Tulip.
Thank you for this review, Tulip! It is very encouraging and keeps me optimistic for this novel.
You will find out her name soon. Don't worry!