Rise of the Fallen: Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a pretty interesting prologue here...its got a lot of interesting history here packed in here and I'd say this is a pretty good choice here to but this sort of general backstory out in this place to give a decent amount of context to the story itself when it starts.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was dark day for all of them. Each and every victim of the plague had families, families that had loved and cared for them every day of their long or short life. You see, this disease killed woman, men, children and livestock. It left nothing untouched. There had already been an unaccountable amount of deaths among the townspeople, mostly the peasants and poor farmers that couldn’t afford the cure. There was a cure and yet the man who owned it sold it to the highest bidder. The price always ranged more than the common folk and a few of the lesser lords could afford. Countless lives had been lost that could have been saved with the mixture of expensive herbs left to sit in a dusty safe hold. The man who possessed the cure was none other than King Tergin, the direct descendant of the Good King Duncan. It was a thought to ponder. How could King Duncan, a courageous and caring king have raise up such a son?

In all the years that many had known King Duncan he had been patiently instructing the rules of charity and wisdom to his children. There was scarcely a time that he had acted in pride rather than chivalry. Unfortunately, the young prince fell in with a group of evil, rebellious men. He was soon sucked into their manipulation. Some would stand in his defense and shrug it off as a small fault expected from young noblemen. Others know better. Driven from jealousy of the ranger, Emereck, Prince Tergin had purposely sought out the band of evil conspirators. Although there was no proof found, it was as definite as the wind and the stars that he had paid them to assassinate his father. He was then left with and open throne.

The first order that Prince Tergin had enforced was the death of Emereck and the banishment of his own sister, Princess Amelia. If she returned to ---------- she would be killed on sight. Emereck had been one of King Duncan’s most trusted friends; therefore, he had gained many allies in every rank. He was alerted of his king’s death and the plans of the jealous heir to kill him. He took with him, Princess Amelia and a few other close friends and fled the country. Jealousy had long passed to hatred and the prince, who was now king, killed every ranger he knew of. He then issued the strict order of banishment of all rangers.

The remaining rangers united and called themselves---------. They avenged their fallen brothers but the cost was great. A war had emerged and this war is now called The Forsaken Fallen. The few remaining rangers went into hiding, Emereck and his brother included. For years King Tergin searched every nook and cranny for their secret hiding place but he soon gave up in despair. Now, several years later, the very existence of rangers has escaped the minds of many, especially the young.

Timmy here!

So this will be a very short review because you've had so many amazing reviews before I arrived. I'll just come in and try to say what I want to tell you without sounding too redundant - just repeating what they say. Let's hope I can find something no one else has picked up on. ^^

So I don't see this as a prologue. I don't see this as even a first chapter. Putting the title aside that this is a prologue (because, really, it holds no characteristics of one), I can look at this and see what it really is. This is a reference for you - something you can go back to when writing your book to find information pertaining to it. If this was in a chapter or prologue, I'd consider it an info-dump, but since I'm looking at it as you putting much of what the reader needs to know out there for us to see, then it isn't an info-dump as much.

BUT But, you need to take this information you have here, and intersperse it in the chapters of this book. This is not how you give information to the reader (which is basically just telling them everything). When giving the reader information about your book, go about it in a subtle and in-the-background kind of way. Firstly, no matter if it's a prologue or a first chapter, it must have a point of view. This detached perspective didn't do anything to suck the reader into the story. It felt rather bland when I read through it, and I'm not sure I would have continued reading (because it felt rather essay-ish to me). So no matter what you chose, prologue or first chapter, bring us still to the main character. It needs to be what sucks me into your story, since it'll be the first thing I see. So work on slipping little bits of information to the reader as they read along, and don't give it to them as you have here, like a timeline.

Give us a perspective, write is as a book - and slip the information as we read along. Little bits at a time. The reader doesn't need to know everything by the end of the first chapter. They don't even need to know everything by the end of the tenth chapter. Not knowing things is what keeps someone going in a book, because they're curious as to what is going on, and they have questions. If you answer all of their questions in the first bit, then they have no reason to continue. So just work on taking the information you've given us here, and insert it into the story when you edit. c:

Okay, I don't have anything more to say. I don't have much else to say, because this piece was free of technical stuff - mostly - and pointing those out wouldn't help you much in this case, anyway. I saw part of the first chapter, and that did suck me into your book, so I'll be there soon. c: Sorry for the harshness, Annie. I mean well. :/
~Darth Timmyjake

Not bad. I like the atmosphere of this prologue. It has a very eerie, mysterious, and enchanted feel to it. This is indeed a very interesting beginning. I have to say that the only thing that threw me off was the wording you used to writing this prologue. I would've wanted you to take advantage of the mystical element you've carved into the story and written it in different way. Of course, there is no dialogue, but I would've liked you to use language that would've flowed better with the story as well and made the reader feel as though there are actually there to see, hear, and feel what's going on instead of just reading about it. Still, it didn't take away from the beginning so that's good. Also, i find that your sentence structure is a bit choppy. "The sun is hot. It is yellow." Especially more towards the beginning. i think that the beginning paragraph could use some re-writing. Something like this perhaps?

It was a dark and dreary time for all. Each and every victim of this unfortunate plague left behind a family. Loves one that had loved and cared for them with each day of their dreadfully long or drastically short lives. For this illness claimed the lives of many; men, women, children, and oftentimes livestock, leaving nothing salvaged from its despair. At a time, there had been an immeasurable amount of expiry among the fellow townsfolk though most of it being of less affluent households, peasants and those stricken with poverty alike. And so, some still remained to mourn the loss of a beloved all because of an unattainable cure. You see, this medicinal remedy had been auctioned into the hands of the highest bidder at a price that even a few of the lesser lords could afford. A cost no commoner could ever dream to meet. Such horrendous ends for many, people whose lives could've been spared with a simple mixture of expensive herbs that were tucked away to sit upon a lonely shelf in a dusty, safe hold. Yet the man who was in possession of the cure was none other then the horrible King Tergin, the one of tow descendants of the honorable King Duncan. A thought to ponder, was it not? How could a courageous and caring ruler such as his highness King Duncan have raised such a cowardly, merciless son?"

Anyways, I hope I'm helping you out a bit! My apologize if my review lacks any sense! Still, I liked the idea of this story and I hope you continue this sometime! I look forward to reading more of this enchanted tale. Nice work my friend!-Icewinifredd

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I love to read and write fantasy stories and this was a really interesting start. It’s well-written, although it feels like you’re simply using this prologue to insert information; it sounds more like an introduction to a fantasy film than an actual prologue. Prologues are usually like a snippet of the story, often before the action has taken place. So instead of using it as an infodump, why not turn it into a story to explain it with more showing and less telling? Maybe you could show it from the point of view of Amelia, or Tergin?

I’m intrigued by this disease. How did Tergin come by the cure? Does he have a reason for not giving it to the people? Is he afraid of death, or does he want to use the plague as a means of controlling his people? But if the disease kills everything, won’t that mean his own army, labour force and food supply will suffer? And why did Amelia get banished? Did she oppose him? Was she in with the rangers? Or was Tergin just afraid that she’d be a threat to his power?

You see, this disease killed woman, men, children and livestock.

How could King Duncan, a courageous and caring king have raise up such a son?

He was then left with and open throne.

The first order that Prince Tergin had enforced

A war had emerged and this war is now called The Forsaken Fallen.

Hey, Firebird. Happy Review Day! I'm sorry it took me this long to review your novel. That said, let's begin, shall we?

Right, so what I like about this prologue so far is that you gave me a good grasp of the personalities of the main characters. Tergin, for one, I'd love to smack in the head with a frying pan because of how he governs as well as for ordering the death of his father, not to mention banishing his sister. You also showed me the big events -- the rise of the fallen (see what I did to the title? ), the plague, as well as possibly handing the Kingdom back to a proper heir.

Now, here's the thing: though I like how you started off with the plague and I was hoping to know more about it, but you changed the topic to the monarch then somehow connected it to the rangers. I feel cheated somewhat, if you understand what I mean. If you wanted to go into the monarchy and rangers, you could have started it off with that instead.

That aside, I also noticed you tend to change tenses here and there, shifting what needs to stay in past tense to present. Here's one example I found:

Others know better.

You see, this disease killed woman, men, children and livestock.

If she returned to ---------- she would be killed on sight.

Happy review day, Fire! Flite here for a review.

I want to tell you that your prologue isn't really a prologue, there is an article here which tells you what prologues are and how you should use them. Now that's out of the way, let's get on with the rest.

'It was a dark day for them all', you missed an article before the 'dark'. Your first paragraph was an info dump, along with the rest of this prologue, thankfully, it was short and wasn't exactly terrible to read but an info dump nonetheless. You've used this prologue to tell us of this event which will lead to your oncoming chapters, except this is information you could have incorporated along the way. If you are going to use a prologue, then write it on something that can't be said in the actual novel.

Your first paragraph details a lot of telling, so and so happened and this followed, there isn't much showing done here. You're just listing facts chronologically, which doesn't give a lively tone or much context. What exactly is this plague? There has been a lot of plagues in history, why is this plague so bad if they can be treated with mere herbs?

'In all the years that many had known King Duncan he had been patiently instructing the rules of charity and wisdom to his children.'

That sentence reads very awkwardly, due to some tense change and awkward phrasing. I would rephrase it like this, 'In all the years that asking Duncan reigned,' and the latter part I was honestly confused since I'm not sure how you can go about instructing rules of charity. Or instructing wisdom for that matter, you can teach or preach ago wisdom. But you can't instruct wisdom.

Moving along, the time skip between Duncan and Tergin was very quick. One moment you were talking about Duncan and suddenly this price pops in and is suddenly influenced by evil rangers? How did he find them? Was the prince always so evil? He would proceed to the throne eventually was he really that desperate for power? I still can't get a very good sense of either these characters, because this is information I usually get when I'm reading a character profile. Basic generic background stories, but I want to know who they are. Qualities that defines them as Tergin and Duncan.

The ending didn't make much sense and was rushed through as well, one question though, was there a reason why you put lines through certain spots? Because I don't see the need for it. Now why didn't the Tergrin is kill both Amelja and Emereck, he doesn't seem like the stupid type and I'm sure he would go to the limits to ensure he stays on this throne. So why didn't he kill them personally, and made sure they stayed dead?

The rangers escaped the minds of the young, meaning they were admired before? Why the young, why not everyone?

This isn't a bad start and it's intriguing, so I will be coming back to review chapter one. However, this really is more the summary of a plot than anything else so I can't say much about my personal opinion on it.

Hope I wasn't too harsh and if you have any questions, please let me know.

-Flite

This is a good start to a very promising novel. I'm guessing you are going to go into more detail about the disease later on but I think a little bit more is needed. Maybe go a bit into detail about how the people suffered? How exactly did the disease affect them? It doesn't have to be much but just enough to give the reader a better picture of the devastation that it caused.

"There had already been an unaccountable amount of deaths among the townspeople, mostly the peasants and poor farmers that couldn’t afford the cure. There was a cure and yet the man who owned it sold it to the highest bidder." - I think this part could be reworded and reordered. Maybe mention that there was a cure and then go on to explain that some couldn't afford it. At the moment, it as if you've just mentioned it twice.

I'm guessing the '--------' parts are in the space of names you haven't thought up yet?

"He took with him, Princess Amelia and a few other close friends and fled the country." - I'm not great with punctuation myself but I think the comma should come after 'close friends' instead of before Princess Amelia.

I'm very interested to see where you take this.

Please let me know when the first chapter is up