Chocolate,
or maybe something like gold,
with a touch of green,
like life,
into an old man's soul.
-
Soft,
like feathers,
like snow.
-
Warm,
Like a fire on Christmas Eve,
or maybe the sun,
on a winter day,
bringing me out from the cold.
-
You.
P.S - I just wrote this like, right now. So, rip this apart and tell me what to do with it :)
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
Hey Lylas! You've done the favor of reviewing my works, so I thought I'd return it
So this poem is a little all over the place, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But, I'm having a little bit of trouble connecting all the imagery you've broken up in this poem.
It looks to me like you're describing certain things, and then comparing it to this "You." Is that right?
Let's look at the first stanza:
I like this "Chocolate...gold" thing
because I lurve chocolate, so I obviously think it's golden ^^, and then you talk about the gold with a touch of green, like life. What do you mean by the green? I understand that greenery is lush and life like, but I don't know what is has to do with an old man's soul. I just think the similes are good together, but they're linked in a way I can't understand. Maybe I'm just not interpreting it correctly. I do like what TakeThatYouFiend said, with the wrappers. That would've been lovely and might've made a little more sense. Don't take this personally, because I can be oblivious sometimes XD I do like the imagery, however.I like the way you brought cold and warm together. I do think the fire on Christmas Eve is slightly cliche, but cliches can be good sometimes ^^ Hmm, I don't think you need the comma after "sun" to create such a long pause. Remember, we automatically create a pause at the end of each line, and I just felt this longer pause was unnecessary. But it's up to you
I like the "You" in italics!
So this made me think a lot. The similes are nice, but I think they could've been better, in the sense of having them link together and connect. It's not necessary for them to 100% connect, but I didn't see the connection between "chocolate" and "golden with a touch of green." It was just a little confusing. But fear not, your poem may make 100% sense to the next guy, so don't change anything if you don't want to. Because in poetry, the reader either gets it or they don't. That's not your fault. But I do think you could've linked the similes a little bit better
That's all for now. Great work! Your poems are lovely and I enjoy reading them.
Keep writing!
~Thewriter13
I'm describing this guys eyes, if that makes sense. The whole poem is about his eyes.
Absolutely nothing. It's sweet, I don't think there's anything you should change. But to be honest, my first thought at reading the title were "Spidey sense are tingling" or even "ghost sense." After reading it I'm not really disappointed.
I think Your poem is very interesting. I like how you have words like Soft, and Warm on their own lines. it gives readers almost a preview of what you are about to say. I like that a lot. Also Good job with the rythmn! You can really hear it as you read along. I wouldn't change much but if I did I might want to describe the chocolate more, describe how it looks and feels and also compare it to the gold. But very nice!
What you have done here is good, but I have a couple of suggestions if you will hear me out.
Firstly, I think that this shouldn't entirely be in italics. Rather, just have the final line in italics, or if you are having it in italics take the last line out of italics. Just, you know, for emphasis.
Second off, I think you should change a couple of your similes. You have two things that don't really match, twice. Firstly, snow and feathers. Yes, both are soft, but they are a totally different kind of softness, and it just confuses me in terms of imagery. Likewise with a fire and a winter sun. A fire's heat is bold and strong, while the heat of the winter sun is weak but penetrating. So yeah, I think you should edit that a bit.
I really like the first line (both poetically and in real life,) but as soon as I read it I thought you could link the touch of gold with the chocolate. All Green and Blacks and several other brands have gold foil around the chocolate, and that would be a lovely parallel.
Overall about 7.4 out of 10, a reasonably enjoyable work.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.
That's weird, on my computer, only "You" is in italics. :/
But thanks for all the comments! I will look into revising once I get more reviews
Sorry, it was a glitchy phone
Hello. I am Methrirr. I will review your poem now, if you don't mind.
I like how you did this. I can see from your use of dashes that you use chrome, and that it doesn't let you format your poems. Personally, I prefer the ~ squiggles, but that's up to the writer. I feel that pain, my poems all have the same thing. I like it, personally, but sometimes that blank space is necesary.
Now, all browser empathy aside, to business.
Again, I like how you took one word for each line. chocolate, soft, warm, you... Awesome. When one word is used in a line for poems, I feel it gives those words a certain amount of power, makes them heavier. I also like your use of the word maybe. It adds a casual speculation.
Overall, this is a good poem. And I have times where I'll just think of something, write it in five minutes, and have it come out really good. This is one such case. Keep up the impulse-poetry.
Methrirr123.
I do have Chrome >.> And thank you so much!
Btws - This is about someone's eyes.