Young Writers Society

I really enjoy this. It's simple and short, right to the point. It's not over complicated with descriptive words that cloud the readers mind. You can tell exactly what is going on, especially with the short description you posted about the poem being about a one sided relationship. I think that the reader can very easily relate to the poem because of the fact that we have all been in love with someone who has not necessarily loved us back. The best line in the poem over all is definitely one of the final lines Where you have wormed you[r] way in, to map my bones with your heart was absolutely wonderful. I don't see any problems with this(especially because I don't do grammar or punctuation) and I'd love to read more of your work!

Hello, EmoChikXoX here to review!

First of all I have to apologise for my reviewing skills, I haven't written one in a while! So I'm a little bit out of practice.

I have to say I really do like this poem, I like it a lot. It's nicely worded and you have also used nice words, if you catch my drift? I also like the fact that the poem is just the right size, some poems read just drag on but this was just right. The poem also creates a good image in my mind.. sort of abstract

However, in my personal opinion the poem doesn't flow well. It seems a bit... stodgy and not fluent (sorry for the words). I understand that there is no rhyming but I was kind of thrown off by the last paragraph with the "skin" and "in" bit, I don't know if this was intentional but hey. I also don't really like the structure, I don't really know why but it doesn't quite look right. Another thing some of the words you have used become a little repetitive, like the word "paint". Maybe you can use a different word or maybe create a different line, but I don't know

All in all this is a great poem, and I really like it. Keep up the good work you are a great poet! (I am really sorry for my truly awful review, like I said I'm out of practice. But I hope it was okay for you!)

Happy writing!
-EmoChikXoX

Hello LordGreenLeaf,
Aley here.

I think right now this poem stands very well on it's own. It's a strong poem with a strong message, and a clear meaning. There isn't much wrong with it in that terms. We can look at it analytically and say that while the other individual is being polite, it is the narrator's inability to formulate the struggle outwardly that poses the biggest hindrance to breath. The evidence of this is in "from the blank walls of my body" which shows that this person presented no clear color of their own, they didn't have a spray can, or even arms or legs, just a wall, and a blank wall at that. There are other ways to look at it too, like that this person being addressed is over-demanding and uses other people without really caring about why. This is evident in "you ask if I'm ok/but it's not a question/because you don't wait for my answer." which is a really wonderful line.

There are things that can be changed though, there is always room for improvement, although you could probably submit this to small presses and get it accepted. For instance, the biggest one I find is the mention of galaxies. While it's a good line, it isn't as tied in as the rest of them. This line isn't explained, and while it shows a mystery of the narrator, this poem isn't supposed to really be about the narrator in that way. Also the use of galaxies as a verb is awkward considering there are so many types. I know it's being used as a verb because you can't replace it with other nouns, like "and cats in my eyes" but you can replace it with verbs "and spits in my eyes." This shows that it is a present tense verb.

I also think you might want to try to eliminate some of the times you mention paint, because the word gets rather repetitive, especially in the start.

Also your third line is a sentence in itself, or you need to change "dripping" to "drips" to make sense with your verbs and stuff due to the comma. "Paint" is actually your subject in this case, and "where you have left your mark" is a subordinate clause which has been moved to the start of the sentence, according to "where" and the comma. "Paint dripping from the blank walls of my body where you have left your mark" would have been the original sentence, but dripping needs a have if it's going to be dripping instead of drips. "Paint drips from the blank walls of my body where you have left your mark" makes sense with the verb-agreement.

Overall, I think the poem is good. You should read it out loud a few more times, correct things like "till" to "'till" although you're ignoring most grammar rules. You also have "its" instead of "it's" when you're looking for the conjunction. It's little things like that which will mark this work with gold stars at this point. ^.-

I hope to see more from you soon.

Hello, LordGreenleaf!

Ahhhh, this is lovely. I love how you stuck to a particular image throughout the poem and applied it to the abstract. Poetry is all about making connections, and that's what you've done-- welded the abstract to the concrete to illustrate the point.

That being said, there are a few things that I have to suggest that might make this poem even better.

First, the formatting.
On YWS, formatting can be tricky, especially with poetry. Poetry should generally be single spaced. To fix the double spacing issue, hold shift when you hit enter for a new line. That should take away the double spacing.

I don't think that the end of the first line should have a full stop as the sentence continues on the next line.

The last line: did you mean "your" instead of "you"? It would make more sense if it said "your".

You use the wrong form of "till." You're talking about the shortened version of "until", which is "til" with one L. And generally an apostrophe, though that's fallen out of favor recently.

and sometimes you just look at me

I love the poem, it has a nice flow, it sounds solemn. But I'm a little confused to whether the narrator thinks this is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I understand the suffocating is bad the first part made it seem fine. This is a terrible review but, it's just confusing me.

That's <3