There are exactly four walls separating us.
I imagine myself drifting free
of my body,
and seeping through the cream colored wood,
until and I am with you,
safe in your capable arms.
But I cannot imagine for long,
because soon you are replaced with the musky smell of abandonment,
and unmade beds of people who never come back.
My body,
the dead weight,
is waiting for me,
Smile sickening in the moonlight,
as I crawl into a bed that no longer smells of you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,823 Reviews
I love this. I think that the amount of depth, love, and pain that you've exhibited in this short poem is amazing. I thought this flowed really well. I had no difficulty understanding where you were going as you changed subjects as well as when you changed the course of emotion, even though it was abrupt, it was still smooth. This is really good. The only thing I didn't like was that it wasn't a bit longer. Keep writing! You're not half bad
Hey, yo, LordGreenleaf! Strangelove here on this PokeReview day and I have a review for you!
I may still be a little rusty, so sorry if this isn't the world's best review. (I will put some elbow grease into it)
I really liked this poem. I thought it was really intriguing. The idea behind this poem is strong, and you sure do deliver it well. You handle it with a nice packed punch. With all good works, there are some small problems with them. Good stuff first, though.
The emotion of the narrator was well executed. I could feel that empty sorrow in them, how they want to be with someone. That someone, though, will soon be gone and they will be left weeping over the abandonment from them. I thought that it was really sweet, yet sad. It hit me straight in the feels, to be honest. Just, straight in the feels .
The problem with it, ironically, is the emotion in it. It left me confused, yet I liked it. Maybe I'm not the reader/reviewer to understand it, but I didn't feel that much for the narrator. The narrator felt somewhat depressed, which I don't like. They feel that they can only resort to this one option, the other, and that they'll feel horrible when they leave. That does happen, and it just didn't hit it off with me.
Overall, great job.
Strangelove gives you...
9.1/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Thanks!
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
This is a great poem. Loved the imagination breathed into it.
Nitpicks!
The comma seems unnecessary here. It disrupts the flow. But, I love the idea of being intangible, it is nice imagery.
Firstly, you don't need a comma after 'wood', it ruins the flow of the poem. Secondly, the second line doesn't quite fit. Shouldn't it be 'until I am with you'? I think the 'and' is unnecessary.
Themes used!
Obviously as you have put in the genre, this poem is very dramatic, which is good as you can easily put across a point by exaggerating and twist the laws of science (by travelling through walls). But also, you have the theme of love in there, and it is really sweet. I live how you contrast it after putting about travelling through walks by putting 'his capable arms', its a lovely thought. You also tells us how much she's missing him and her loneliness and how she doesn't like the different men visiting her bed. Its very powerful. Well done.
Devices used!
I think the first sentence is really powerful. From what I can interpret, it is a powerful statement as if to say 'this is what is keeping us apart'. Full stop. Bam! Very to the point. Very effective.
If you were to use enjambment by taking out the unnecessary comma's I would be able to interpret the most common use and say the passing of time and how the speaker/protagonist is telling her lover that she wants him back to put it simply. The way you describe things by using effective imagery into our heads is incredible - I can just imagine the speaker drifting through the solid walls and finding her lover. Its quite captivating really. Beautiful.
Good job! Keep on writing!
Thankyou!
No problem!