I'm sitting here,
At the old desk in my room,
The one you use to sit at,
Watching my every move.
Eyes flecked with grey,
Slender fingers,
You'd press play,
On that old cassette player.
You'd laugh and pull me up to dance,
Because you knew,
I'd only dance with you.
And you'd talk about escaping,
Everything.
Leaving the country I thought,
But of course I was wrong.
You where never always there,
where you?
You drifted off sometimes,
Staring at me with that vacant look.
Well I'm older now,
I'm married,
And she reminds me of you.
She tells me that I say your name,
In nightmares,
But that's only because,
I never had the chance;
to properly say goodbye.
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hello, Unnatural here to review your work!
I really liked the poem, and hope you write more like this!
I think you should just add more detail overall to the whole thing because it was kind of empty, but if you just add a bit more detail, it would be really good!
is a bit unclear. it would be more fluent if you wrote:
"I thought you were leaving the country,
but of course I was wrong."
and
where should be corrected to were...
this part doesn't really make sense because a semicolon is always only used to separate two complete sentences. So just replace the semicolon with a comma and you're good.
Once again, I just want to comment that I want you to include vivid detail in your writing.
Good job. Keep it up!!
You have a very interesting writing style. I like the feel of this poem as a read, very good narration but I think it lacks the imaginative qualities of imagery.
'And she reminds me of you.
She tells me that I say your name,
In nightmares, ; there's not really many feelings in these words and it would be better if there were more.
However, your formatting and spelling and all the technical stuff is really good which boosts the impact of your poem.
Good job.
Thanks!