Outlaws

You're poem is good. I liked how short it was. You didn't need so many words to show your point and I really liked the style. Short and not really all that sweet.

I do have some critique for you. Your intro really needs to be stronger. It is one of the most important things because it draws your reader in. I didn't have a problem with it but you need for it to be stronger. I don't think "I think we might be outlaws." is as strong as it could be. I hope you don't mind my suggesting what you might want to do. You might want to try something along the lines of "People say love is a crime in which case we are outlaws" or just something that makes you want to find out more and read further. I suck at writing poetry so my apologies that my suggested intro is bad.

I do really like your poem. It was interesting and I loved the ending. "Safe only in each other’s arms." It did a great job inspiring emotion and it left me thinking about it even after I read it. Good job.

Hello! Chips here to review.

I thought this was a really nice poem, with an interesting topic choice. It had a great voice to it also was written in a simple and coherent way to understand, though there are some slight grammatical errors. So, I have a few suggestions to make, that you may find helpful.


"I think we might be outlaws."

To me, this statement was not bold enough as an opening, it has tentative language and outlaws don't really know they're outlaws or label themselves as so. I feel like the reader should come to find that the persons in this poem are outlaws, without directly coming out and saying it.

This line:

"We are just outlaws", Cancels out the first line, keep either one or the other, in my opinion.


"Fugitives in the world of frozen hearts,

And glass tears,"

This line was great, I liked the descriptions and imagery used here to create an atmosphere. But I would make the "And" lowercase as it continues on the previous line.

"You are my thief,

And love is your crime."

I liked this line, though I feel it can be expressed in a more powerful way or more poetically, perhaps something along the lines of.. "The perfect crime, I stole your heart and you stole mine" something like that.

"Safe only in each other’s arms."

This was a good ending.

Overall this was a nice poem, although, it feels slightly unfinished. I would have liked it to be longer and have the crimes explored more. In my opinion.
Hope this review was of help to you.

Keep writing.

--Chips

Gallifreygal11 here, commenting/reviewing/critiquing and or editing,

Well I just love this poem/. You a have great talent. The rhyming is wonderful. The vocabulary and wording is wonderful. The message is wonderful. The story is wonderful. And your ending is just wonderilliant! (my new word of the day it's wonderful+brilliant=wonderilliant) I love your idea of how we are all outlaws to satisfy our hearts. How we just need to love and be loved. And in a world like this it is very hard to find love. But once we have found it everything is okay and as you said "we are safe in each other's arms." I only have a couple little notes. But they are only grammatical. I know this is poetry and you can do whatever you want, but it seems as if the collection of commas and periods seems out of whack. Do you think you might be able to get it more organized? Thank you so much! You did a fabutastic (word of the day yesterday, fabulous+fantastic=opposite of fantabulous) I can't wait to read more of your work! Great job. Keep up the brilliant work!

Gallifreygal11 OUT!

Hi there! I'm here for a review.

In the first line, you wrote

"I think we might be outlaws."

And in the seventh line, you wrote

"We are just outlaws,"

I'm quite confused between these two. The first one states that the character is not sure whether he/she and his/her partner are outlaws. In the seventh line, it confirms that both of them are outlaws. In my opinion, I find it quite confusing, so the first line should be changed to "We are outlaws" since you've already proven that they're definitely outlaws by looking at the second until the fourth line. I hope I'm not wrong, so this is up to you to change.

I'm quite inexperienced in poetry, so I couldn't spot any other errors, but it might take someone more experienced to do so. Aside from that, keep writing! I'd love to see more.

-Lisa

Dude, I'm jealous. I wish I could rhyme in my poems like you. The ending is brilliant.

Aww! This was super cute!!!! I loved it