I am listening,
with my mouth sewed shut,
and my ears forced open.
I am listening,
with my hands tied,
and my mind chained.
I am listening,
with bruises covering every part of me,
that isn't important.
And I know I am alone as I listen,
there clever eyes never quite falling,
in between the cracks of a talking but not listening society.
We are told to be proud,
proud of our bodies,
proud of our skins.
But our skins are always changing,
morphing,
growing harder.
Untill we cannot see the difference between talking, and listening.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,823 Reviews
This is such a lovely poem.
I thought you did a fabulous job of drawing the audience in right away. Your first few lines capture the reader's attention and you give them a reason to stay. This piece is very strong from the first line to the very last line. This gives the reader something to think about, and I like that a lot.
I think the only thing I may consider reviewing is the line that says, "That isn't important." I don't know what I would have put in replace of that, but I just feel as though it may have disrupted the flow a bit.
But overall, I really enjoyed this!
~FearlessLove4
I really like this! The beginning captured me right away; the beginning was probably my favorite part of the poem.
Nitpicckkkksssssss (and some content editing):
I am listening,
with bruises covering every part of me,
that isn't important.
So, I was rather confused by the last line. It broke the format of the previous lines, and in general confused me. I wouldn't suggest changing it, as I'm not quite sure what it means, but....something. That was helpful, wasn't it?
there clever eyes never quite falling,
Wrong form of there, their, and they're. It should be their, not there.
in between the cracks of a talking but not listening society.
This line sort of broke the flow of the poem. I suggest shortening it, or dividing it into separate lines.
Untill we cannot see the difference between talking, and listening.
Untill should be until (typo).
I really liked this ending. I think this is a really cool poem, honestly. It's all metaphoric and philosophical, and yet it is also very literal, like the part about the talking and speaking part. About that...I was thinking about this, and I think maybe instead of using the verb talking on the last line, maybe use telling? I don't know, I might not be getting the acute drift of your poem, but I perceived that verb could be used just as well in your artwork here.
I really liked this. However, I think you could have added a little more emotion. The metaphors are interesting, but rather bland. For this sort of poetry, emotion is quite near necessary.
Overall rating: 8/10
Keep writing, you are quite talented!
+1
Thank you!
Hello, Lord Greenleaf, Rhia here to review me some poetry!
Alright, nitpicks first:
Grammar lesson time! Alrighty. Although sewed is technically a past participle of the word sew, sewed is the intransitive version.
(INTRANSITIVE: a verb at the end of a sentence
TRANSITIVE: a verb within the sentence)
So, since the word "shut" is after the verb sewed, you need the intransitive version of the verb sew. (Hint: it's "sewn")
ALright, so I don't like this bit. Main reason being that our ears are always technically open. The visual of ears being forced open is going to be lost on your reader cause it's kinda nonsensical. I know that it's metaphorical, ears represent hearing, yadayada, but perhaps in that case, talk about listening and not ears, cause imagery is so important.
A "but" at the beginning of the second line here would make a lot more sense here.
First bit bolded should be "their", not "there".
Second bit bolded, I think you might have meant "quit"? I'm not quite sure, cause this bit wasn't really clear to me, but I said it just in case.
This would flow a lot better if the first comma was a semi-colon.
Overall, I like the theme here, but the way you presented it was very dry. Your comparisons and images were nothing special, they didn't make me feel like this was something new and huge. You could really liven this with more intricate imagery and figurative language. You want to show the reader your story, not tell them, and right now, I'm not seeing much. Your points are clear, which is good. You don't want so much figurative language that the purpose gets lost. But you want more figurative language than this.
Have a lovely day and keep writing!
This is an interesting societal analysis. We aretaight to value ourselves so highly that we lose sight of the opinions of others. And you cant do anything about it because it is so deeply ingrained into our cultural values. Te structure is proper, and so is the grammer. I like the images evoked when you describe how our eyes avoid the flaws in our society, and also when you speak of our increasing hard-headedness. Interesting poem. Keep writing.