Flowers pile up in the worst way,
It's a sea of black suit,
short-cut dresses,
and meaningless smiles.
Words come and go,
But none of them reach my ears,
I sit by myself,
And try to talk to you.
I think you can hear me,
somehow, somewhere,
But no reply comes,
No matter how hard I imagine it.
So I stare at my neat black shoes,
and scrubbed clean hands,
trying not to cry,
as the coffin lid closes.
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140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hey! I really liked your poem, it shows exactly what a funeral is like. Well done
I would have liked a little more though, have you considered expanding? I like your writing style and it would be great to see more about the burial and the people who wear the short-cut dresses and meaningless smiles!
-Nicole
such a sad, yet meaningful poem.
Oh my gosh! I swear, I just felt like crying when I read this the first time. It captures the feeling of a funeral perfectly. Everything, the tone, the phrasing…. This cannot be improved in any way that I can think of, so I'm not going to bother reviewing.
Keep being awesome,
CuriosityCat : )
Hey. Pompadour here for a quick review~
Technical
Overall
This has potential. It's raw and has feeling. You picked the right kind of verse to write it in -- that is, free verse, because it's dark and serious, and yet provides you with the greatest amount of freedom to express yourself! You have a great idea going here, and I suggest that you explore it. I've never heard about a person holding a conversation with a person inside the coffin, and the fact that the emotions you portray are sincere, it's just ... it's wonderful. <3 You could build up on this, you know, not just exploring the bleakness and the blackness, but also the people around you. Their voices and their words. Their actions and movement. Sight and sound. Touch and feel. Emotions are always intensified during funerals, and there's so much you could do with that! I'm being insensitive here, aren't I? But this is such a raw and powerful subject, one that stirs up so many human emotions, and I'd love to see your elaboration on this!
Keep writing! Keep up the great work!
I hope this helped.
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Thank you for the splendid review!
Your welcome!
Hello LGL, Subtle here for a review. Now this poem, though the language was very description did have an impact on me. Why? Because I think you described a funerals quite realistically, I have never been to a funeral myself but I can imagine well enough that 98% of the people who goes to a funeral. Their heart does not lie with the person inside the coffin.
I think I liked these three lines the best, they are concise yet they described the atmosphere and what our MC is feelings very clearly. I also liked the fact that your sentences weren't too long, they were all pretty concise though they could do with a bit more imagery. And though this poem was about a funeral, it wasn't exactly depressing is more like sadness or melancholy that no one seems to care. So, nice exploration of subtle feelings there.
So I can see the whole poem is free verse, you should add some imagery in there. More figurative language and perhaps so rhyming couplets just to add a dash of colour to it, or maybe not. The bleakness of this poem may well set the mood for your poem as well, a funeral scene. A bleak funeral scene. So I guess that is up to you, but if it were me. I would expand it a little bit so the readers can explore the emotions with a bit more depth.
Hm, I don't think I can find anything else. Your grammar is fine, your spelling is fine. As far as I can see, your punctuation is fine but I'm no expert in that.
So overall, nice poem try adding a bit more imagery in and it will be awesome!
Kudos!
-S.s
Thank you for the nice review!