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Ultramarine Idiot

by Renard


I'm black and blue

Yellow and orange too

I'm everything

I'm ultramarine

Colour of love

Bled on me all above

And my heart is all red

Pretty soon I'll be dead

Before I snuff it and go

I'll bury the snow

Make a winter angel

Coloured all like a rainbow

Love was ultramarine

My partner just ultra mean

I've been called an idiot

Now I agree with it


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130 Reviews


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Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:51 am
ScarletDreams14 wrote a review...



Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.

Which means...time to review!

Nitpicking first, sorry!

- Now what bothered me the absolute most was the formatting and the lack of punctuation. It just drove me absolutely crazy, so tell you what. I'll attempt to fix it for you.


I'm black and blue

Yellow and orange too


- Good god this drives me nuts. Okay so, instead of separating these into two sentences you need to combine them. Like so;

I'm black and blue, yellow and orange too.



I'm everything

I'm ultramarine


- Frankly I was confused on what to do with this but I'll give it my best. Maybe also combine this. Like so;

I'm everything; I'm ultramarine.


- This needs some love itself, mkay so lets work on this...

Colour of love


- I think you should put The before color; Also combine this and the next few lines. Like so...

The colour of love, bled on me all above and my heart is all red, pretty soon I'll be dead.


- Alright so notice how before pretty was capitalized? It didn't need to be, that's a big no, no. Also some of the words don't match like they're suppose too and It becomes confusing and slightly painful to read because your only noticing the mistakes!


- Also the poem itself, especially at the end, makes no sense at all and really has no exact meaning.

- There are too many mistakes for me too cover so Instead I'm gonna break the rules a bit. Now with your permission if you'd allow me I'd like to make a version of this poem for you so you can use it as an example to rewrite yours.


This poem needs some work, but it's salvageable and I'm willing to help you. If you have any questions or any help on writing let me know.

Keep practicing!


Image

Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!


clubs/1983 - #0000FF ">Team Aqua Headquarters




Renard says...


Hi
Your reviews are really rude and horrible:
it's salvageable

So that basically makes my writing sound like a mess. Thanks. :/



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:32 am
Lumi wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm Lumi; let's jam.

First off, I'd probably stick this in poetry. I wouldn't exactly praise it as poetry, but I think it belongs all the same.

I have to ask a serious question in regards to this piece: what are you trying to get across? Your lines as a cohesive unit mean nothing. You force rhymes and bend phrases into nonsense, and line it up so thinly that nothing can breathe. There's no substance or forethought behind it. And so I ask: why?

Everything together reminds me quite a lot of Teenager's First Rap Attempt--where everything is made up and the words don't matter. All of that said, there's no critique to be made here as there's nothing salvageable.

Let me know if you have questions.

Lumi




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:27 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



Hello! Let's get reviewing!
As far as your comment, I am not a stranger to formatting problems on YWS. Someone taught me this helpful trick though: if you hit shift while hitting enter on YWS, it single spaces the enter and then for a double space, which makes a wonderful stanza break. If that doesn't make sense (I'm bad at explaining things) tell me and I'll try to explain again.
Onto the poem!
Shouldn't it be colours of love instead of colour?
"Bled on me all above" Do you mean the bled from above? It's a bit unclear.
"Before I snuff it and go/I'll die in the snow." Doesn't snuff it mean to die? Before you die you'll die? What do you mean by this?
I love the rhyme of ultramarine with ultra mean, that's cute.
I love the imagery about the winter angel colored like a rainbow.
Overall, I think this is a great poem with a few easily fixable confusing parts. Nice job.
-tgirly

This review courtesy of
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Renard says...


I made a change and then when I came out of it, it got rid of the spacing completely. XD Oh YWS. I do get what you meant by your explanation it's just being silly today. XD thanks for the review :)



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:24 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello love! Aurora here for a quick review!

I like this poem. It's very interesting, to say the least. When I read the line that says, "I'm black and blue', I thought you meant bruised, emotionally or physically. It fits with the rest of the poem, (being bruised, I mean), but the yellow and the orange after it take away from it's meaning. I think it would help if you created a new verse for yellow and orange or deleted it completely.

Colour of love
You should consider adding a syllable to this line to make your poem flow better. Other wise, the rhythm of your poem is interrupted. ;).

Coloured all like a rainbow
The entire verse is pertaining to white, and this comes out of the blue. If that was how you wanted it, that's fine, but I think it would produce more of an effect if you kept the whit theme for that stanza.

I have no other critiques for you. ;)
Keep writing, love. I look forward to reading more.
Aurora




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:04 pm
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Renard says...



Massive gaps = formatting issue





You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda