I'm black and blue
Yellow and orange too
I'm everything
I'm ultramarine
Colour of love
Bled on me all above
And my heart is all red
Pretty soon I'll be dead
Before I snuff it and go
I'll bury the snow
Make a winter angel
Coloured all like a rainbow
Love was ultramarine
My partner just ultra mean
I've been called an idiot
Now I agree with it
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.
Which means...time to review!
Nitpicking first, sorry!
- Now what bothered me the absolute most was the formatting and the lack of punctuation. It just drove me absolutely crazy, so tell you what. I'll attempt to fix it for you.
- Good god this drives me nuts. Okay so, instead of separating these into two sentences you need to combine them. Like so;
- Frankly I was confused on what to do with this but I'll give it my best. Maybe also combine this. Like so;
- This needs some love itself, mkay so lets work on this...
- I think you should put The before color; Also combine this and the next few lines. Like so...
- Alright so notice how before pretty was capitalized? It didn't need to be, that's a big no, no. Also some of the words don't match like they're suppose too and It becomes confusing and slightly painful to read because your only noticing the mistakes!
- Also the poem itself, especially at the end, makes no sense at all and really has no exact meaning.
- There are too many mistakes for me too cover so Instead I'm gonna break the rules a bit. Now with your permission if you'd allow me I'd like to make a version of this poem for you so you can use it as an example to rewrite yours.
This poem needs some work, but it's salvageable and I'm willing to help you. If you have any questions or any help on writing let me know.
Keep practicing!
Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of Team Aqua!
clubs/1983 - Team Aqua Headquarters
Hi
Your reviews are really rude and horrible:
So that basically makes my writing sound like a mess. Thanks. :/
Hey there! I'm Lumi; let's jam.
First off, I'd probably stick this in poetry. I wouldn't exactly praise it as poetry, but I think it belongs all the same.
I have to ask a serious question in regards to this piece: what are you trying to get across? Your lines as a cohesive unit mean nothing. You force rhymes and bend phrases into nonsense, and line it up so thinly that nothing can breathe. There's no substance or forethought behind it. And so I ask: why?
Everything together reminds me quite a lot of Teenager's First Rap Attempt--where everything is made up and the words don't matter. All of that said, there's no critique to be made here as there's nothing salvageable.
Let me know if you have questions.
Lumi
Hello! Let's get reviewing!
As far as your comment, I am not a stranger to formatting problems on YWS. Someone taught me this helpful trick though: if you hit shift while hitting enter on YWS, it single spaces the enter and then for a double space, which makes a wonderful stanza break. If that doesn't make sense (I'm bad at explaining things) tell me and I'll try to explain again.
Onto the poem!
Shouldn't it be colours of love instead of colour?
"Bled on me all above" Do you mean the bled from above? It's a bit unclear.
"Before I snuff it and go/I'll die in the snow." Doesn't snuff it mean to die? Before you die you'll die? What do you mean by this?
I love the rhyme of ultramarine with ultra mean, that's cute.
I love the imagery about the winter angel colored like a rainbow.
Overall, I think this is a great poem with a few easily fixable confusing parts. Nice job.
-tgirly
I made a change and then when I came out of it, it got rid of the spacing completely. XD Oh YWS. I do get what you meant by your explanation it's just being silly today. XD thanks for the review
Hello love! Aurora here for a quick review!
.
I like this poem. It's very interesting, to say the least. When I read the line that says, "I'm black and blue', I thought you meant bruised, emotionally or physically. It fits with the rest of the poem, (being bruised, I mean), but the yellow and the orange after it take away from it's meaning. I think it would help if you created a new verse for yellow and orange or deleted it completely.
Colour of love
You should consider adding a syllable to this line to make your poem flow better. Other wise, the rhythm of your poem is interrupted.
Coloured all like a rainbow
The entire verse is pertaining to white, and this comes out of the blue. If that was how you wanted it, that's fine, but I think it would produce more of an effect if you kept the whit theme for that stanza.
I have no other critiques for you.
Keep writing, love. I look forward to reading more.
Aurora
Massive gaps = formatting issue