Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hyah, Hello! I'm here for both "Adopt a novel" and a Review day review!
What a heartbreaking story. I mean, my chest is pounding as I read this. I'm not sure how I haven't realised earlier whom Robert really was. Don't hate me for that, please.
Now I only hope he doesn't loose Stephen. I mean, he seemed to be terrified, right? Though, that fight was somewhat confusing to me. I only later realised that he hit him, when he explained it.
I feel for him, really. I understand how can he see the suicide as his only exit, and hope he would undersntand that it's not. The only thing he needs to do to be happy is accept who he is, and what he is. Well, maybe the idea of gay sex is gross to him (man, what a bad, out of place joke I made).
And doc is awesome guy. I knew everything he did had some puprose but seeing him come so personal with his 'patient' is awesome. He is kind, and he knows what to say.
I hope Robert finds way out. I'm not far away from the end, but I can't sustain this heartbumps I have. This is just a great story of finding happines, being gay or not I think everyone will be able to sympathize with it. I believe the most brilliant part is actually hating Robert from the bottom of his heart, but then sitting here, watching wall and asking myself "how could have I been so wrong? He only needed so little to be happy, to realize who he was. How could I hate that guy?"
Going for the last one. cya at the finish.
-Alchemist
To start off:
Sometimes the words are a bit too… official to suit the more natural tone of the narration. So I would revise the use of all those howevers, interjects and such. (No need to remove them all. Just when it gets too much, and “however” would be my main target.)
This for example: “I sense he is frustrated to an infinite degree.” You don’t need infinite degree. You can just say “I sense he is frustrated.” And it reads brief, light, and fitting with the voice.
Technically, you can’t really die from holding your breath. I mean you can if you really, really, and I mean really try, but it involves overcoming a few hell-of-a-strong reflexes and instincts. Both physical and psychological. Your lungs will end up flexing automatically so to say.
So yeah this part over there with the breath holding and then the hitting seems a bit too over the top. The rest was nice though. Really nice. Both the suicide notion and the gay issue. I think it was well conveyed and tense as it was and didn’t really need a violent scene with onlookers. Well maybe a bit of yelling to each other, but not the hitting. Especially the self-hitting.
The dialogue is nice too, though a bit too wordy in those ending paragraphs.
So well done. You build up the tension and the inner turmoil well. Just try not to go too over the top, to the point where it just seems unrealistic I mean.
Hello! KatyaElefant here for another review! Happy Review Day! I love the title (Knife) by the way.
NITPICK:
If you are British, then this nitpick doesn't count for you. If you aren't, then you are using British spelling. You spelled realizes wrong here(If you are not British XD)
Okay now for the good things in this piece. You have good organization. It is not just one big clump of a paragraph. Your spelling and grammar is good. Now since, I just jumped into this, I have no idea what this is about but it seems to have a great theme. You have Nazis in here? What is this? 0_0 You have to explain this story to me. I love that you implied some humor in here, like when you said,
I love how you added that dark humor in here because it is perfect, as far as I can see because the Nazis are involved. When they are involved, that means something is bad.
I also like where you have the inner touche. Overall, it is a great piece and I when I get some time I would like to read the rest of it. Have a great Review Day. Keep Calm and Keep Writing.
Hello hunny.
Worrying title, but at least I know what is really going to happen (because you already know me and have told me.)
'This is most probably it.' This is a very proleptic start and a good way to introduce the potential outcomes of the story.
'Only one problem: I could not find the knife.' LOL! XD At least Robert still has a sense of humour.
You have made me really sad about Robert: ' No Facebook memorial page, or videos of me singing, nor even a video of me explaining my actions through writing on cue cards. In essence, nobody will give a fuck.' I care! I care about him! You have completely made me u-turn my opinion of him.
There's good description between dialogue and description in this chapter which is great.
Until the last paragraph: '“You are acting as if you’re the only person who has ever done that, Robert. You’ll be surprised to know how common it is.” He stands up.' - It's too big, it needs breaking up a bit.
'An inner touché.' Lovely ending line. Very you. Very Robert. Very well suited.
Now we just the ending-ending to see how this all ends up. I am very proud of you honey.