SlushySlapped

"I want to be with you"

These words have already left your lips.
Now let my hands guide your hips, as we dance under this huge moon.
The stars watch and weep, they have never seen anything so beautiful as us.
I agree I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you.
Inside or out your faults, to me nye exist.

These are the only words I need to speak, the words inside my heart.
What an amazement, that life let me meet you.
At least to try to melt the ice, that surrounds a heart; that should never have been coated so thick. Fate has guided me this far, now its given me the chisel.

Continuing my work on those walls.
I will work my hands to the bone, to break your hang ups.
Proud of my resolve to not give up.
I want to know every word, that's never been said to you.

So we can talk all night, as I linger and hang on too everything you say.
Resounding in my head is a voice too sweet for this world.
You must be an angel without wings.
I'm glad you've fallen, you have fallen right into my arms.

Your words don't fall on deaf ears any longer.
The pain I understand, this world need to change.
Try to do something to put out this fire, try to stop the burning an end to yearning.
Where do we go when there's no place to hide.
I know where I go my safe place deep inside your eyes.

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Reviews: 47

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 9:19 pm

SlushySlapped wrote a review...

This was horrible. JUST AWFUL.

Just kidding.

I'm gonna not be biased either... even though you wrote just for me and I love it.

"I want to be with you#BF0040 ">."

Need a period there baby.

It seems like a lot of people have edited all of the technical stuff though, so I'm just gonna not.

These are all of my favorite lines:

"Now let my hands guide your hips, as we dance under this huge moon."
(Can we do this or is that cheesier than cheeseballin'?)

"I want to know every word, that's never been said to you."

"So we can talk all night, as I linger and hang on too everything you say.
Resounding in my head is a voice too sweet for this world."

"I know where I go my safe place deep inside your eyes."
(You do need a comma after place though.)

You already know I love this poem. Especially since no once has ever written anything for me. Definitely nothing as beautiful as this. Good job baby. <3

Jcsmooth says...

<3 no problem baby! I likes yew fayce

SlushySlapped says...

Nuh-uh.

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:31 am

niteowl wrote a review...

First off...aww...it's so romantic...

*takes off Hopeless Romantic hat*
*puts on mean critic hat*

Okay, so I'm not actually going to be that mean. I'm not filled with Schadenfreude today.

This is honestly good. It's hard to do a love poem that's not annoying and cliche, but I think you succeeded. Yes, there's some cliched images (icy heart, angels) but I think you used them in a clever way. The grammar could be smoothed out, but I won't waste too much time on that.

Inside or out your faults, to me nye exist.

Is "nye" a typo? The only definition I found was "a flock of pheasants" which makes no sense. I think this could flow better as "Inside or out, there are no faults I see".

Try to do something to put out this fire, try to stop the burning an end to yearning.

This line felt out of place. In this context, I would first assume the "fire" is the passionate love, but we don't want to put that out, right? I assume this is referring to outside troubles that you want to get rid of? I might edit this to make it clear, perhaps something to call back the cold/icy imagery and then your love can melt it all away? Eh, that sounds silly, but there could be a better way to bring this concept in.

Overall, this is a beautiful poem, just a few trouble spots and some grammar stuff. Happy Review Day and Fahrvugnugen! Keep writing!

Jcsmooth says...

Thanks! There is always things I could do better. My imagery seems to lack more than not in my poems. I am mainly a flash writer I write many of my poems in 5 mins. So maybe I get sub consciously impatient. Nye since it isnt a word I'm just gonna keep using it anyway. Nye now means are not or not. Let it be know I have made a word!

Thanks for the the review

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Reviews: 192

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:31 am

EloquentDragon wrote a review...

"I want to be with you"

These words have already left your lips.
Now let my hands guide your hips, as we dance under this huge moon.
The stars watch and weep, they have never seen anything so beautiful as us.
I agree I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you.

This should be edited a bit. It's a bit choppy. Just changing where things fit on the lines can help with that.

"I want to be with you"

These words have already left your lips,
Now let my hands guide your hips as we dance
Under this huge moon.
The stars watch and weep,
They have never seen anything so beautiful as us.
I agree I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you

Although I must ask, why are the stars weeping? It doesn't exactly fit with the bright, innocent imagery.

Inside or out your faults, to me nye exist.

This should be "Inside or out, your faults, to me never exist." "Nye" isn't a word. "Nigh" is, but doesn't work here.

At least to try to melt the ice, that surrounds a heart; that should never have been coated so thick. Fate has guided me this far, now its given me the chisel.

The first line seems a bit choppy. I see that you're writing in fours here, but this should be reworked to flow better.

"At least try to melt the ice that surrounds this or my heart,
It should never have been coated this thick
Fate has guided me this far, now it's*< given me the chisel."

*Technically, that's still incorrect. It should be "it has."

Continuing my work on those walls.

I really feel that you should use something other than "walls" here. It's too generic, and if rephrased is too cliché. What walls? Isn't there something else that you're digging away at?

as I linger and hang on too everything you say.

That's "to" there, not "too"

You must be an angel without wings.
I'm glad you've fallen, you have fallen right into my arms.

Not sure if this is plagarism, but it's definitely cliché. Maybe put this in italics? Either that or consider using a completley different expression.

The pain I understand, this world need to change.

Needs there, not "need."

Try to do something to put out this fire, try to stop the burning an end to yearning.
Where do we go when there's no place to hide.
I know where I go my safe place deep inside your eyes.

The first line doesn't really work at all. This whole thing needs to be re-ordered:

"Try to do something to put out this fire,
try to stop the burning, (?) end this yearning
Where do we go when there's no place to hide?<
I know where I'll< go, my safe place...
Is deep inside your eyes."

Overall this is beautiful. Clear, simple, honest. I love it. There's a lot of depressing stuff out there, it was really neat to see something different. Reminded me of a song.

Try to break conventions. Don't go for the easy or familiar. I'd encourage you to find your own, distinct voice. You already have one, but try and make that stronger.

~ED

Jcsmooth says...

My view of weeping stars are stars falling. They see something so beautiful and want to be closer to it so they fall to the Earth. My convictions and writing habits are my worst trait. I get a little into being able to always write well.

EloquentDragon says...

Ah, I see. Yes falling stars are beautiful. But the imagery can still seem a bit meloncholy, especially when paired with "weeping."

But please don't misunderstand me here, this WAS well written!

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:20 am

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Messenger wrote a review...

The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGr. Happy Review Day!!!!:)
So, I recall reading some romantic poetry a few weeks ago that I immensely enjoyed, and I don't think this will be any different. I'll be posting stuff as I read it.

"I want to be with you"

no period or comma is placed at the end of this line. You know what to do.

they have never seen anything so beautiful as us.
I agree I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you.

Oh wow, is that mushy romantic?

It's okay though, because I really, really love it. It is really nice and touching.

I'm glad you've fallen, you have fallen right into my arms.

Hehe. I love it! Beautiful.

So, all done. I thought this was so awesome. I assume it's for someone:D I think you couldn't really write a better poem about love. Very well written, good description, and overall I just loved it.
Keep it up!

Jcsmooth says...

I appreciate the review ^_^ I know what I need to do leave the no comma or period mark. I'm glad you didn't go to nye like everyone else.

TheMessenger says...

Go to nye?

Jcsmooth says...

It's a word that I used for not or are not. I guess its not a word but im making it one if thats the case.

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 1:04 am

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Basil says...

Wow, Jcsmooth!! That was beautiful!
You have written that well! And if I'm correct, it's dedicated to someone? Well, they are the luckiest person in the world to have you! I could feel the emotion clearly in this piece, and I almost wanted to cry!!

SlushySlapped says...

I am indeed a lucky girl!

SageN says...

Yes you are!! ^^

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Sat Oct 26, 2013 6:37 pm

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Gardevite says...

Omg! This is just amazing! Well done Joshie. X3

"You must be an angel without wings.
I'm glad you've fallen, you have fallen right into my arms." Favorite line!

Avi is ssoo lucky to have someone who cares for her as much as you do!

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