My Dagger Bleeds Love bcuz My Heart is under-Siege

Wow at first I was confused an though maybe some Dragon age Fan fic but the as I went on I saw the more about the characters and t more depth it happened really quickly but like a good quick not a bad one I really liked the like "The Arrow sings silently" that was really cool you story had heaps of depth. Quite a twist at the end very sad you should write more pomes like this. but I thought you did really well keep it up. one more thing you should put your in the middle of the page looks tidier then but yeah good job 9/10

I enjoyed this. The simplicity and the choppiness. If it were any other poem(as I've noticed some of your others have choppy bits in them) I would despise it. I enjoy it in this poem only because of the story itself. Obviously the two mentioned are very different and have very mixed feelings about this forsaken love they seem to have. The choppiness in this story or work in particular makes it feel a bit more foreign which, I think, mixes well with the work overall. I feel drawn to the story that is seemingly simple. It could allude to many other unrequited loves or simply the tumultuous paths that those so foreign to each-other must take. We like to believe ourselves so very much alike in this age, yet we still have very different cultures and I think that we struggle with these things more than we realize. The old Elf in this story is also an intriguing character, seeing as he had just slain them yet still tells the story. Perhaps a continuation would make it more interesting.

Everyone don't forget to like my poems

I'd like more people to see them

Thank you all!

JC

I'm with Lioness, and I am currently trying not to shudder at the chatspeak that you used. In addition, I didn't really think that the title fit exactly, considering they died by an arrow.

Your words are fragmented, and the technical grammar isn't all that good. Many times you left out certain words that would typically be in such a sentence.

But, you are not typical, and that is what I like about this work. It is fragmented, it feels rough and choppy and that, in my personal opinion, adds character and emotion to the poem. It almost feels like you had to write this down so quickly, and the urge to write was so powerful that you had to leave certain words out. You may have compromised the grammar of this poem, but the emotion that it received to counter it was a good trade-off.

I would, however, like to see a little more punctuation. Some commas and periods here and there, particularly where you want the reader to pause. I also would like to see you break this up into stanzas. That will add length, but it will also keep the work from feeling so much like a run-on sentence. And you really don't need to capitalize every word in the lines.

Once again, I agree with Lioness.

Your imagery is amazing. I could clearly see everything happening as I read it. You truly have a gift.

All-in-all, I really liked this work. And I hope to read more of what you write in the future.

Everything I write in my reviews are suggestions on what I believe in my personal opinion will truly make the work better. However, as the author the choice s yours. It will in no way offend me if you choose not to take them.

Peace,
HT

Hello, Squire Lioness here to slay a Green Room Monster!

What a beautiful, long, poem. The imagery used... amazing. I really felt connected with this poem. So! Onto the review.

First off: the title
[quote/ My Dagger Bleeds Love bcuz My Heart Is Under-Siege quote/]
I have an issue here, you have used *shudder* chat speak. Bcuz should be because. I'm sure you know this, but it makes the whole poem more professional.

Second off: the structure
I see no problem here, you use the same structure throughout. Well done for consistency.

Third off: the flow.
For some reason, this poem seems fragmented to me. If I quote two lines, I think you may see what I mean.
[quote/ As They
Leave Her Wildfire Lips quote/]
They don't need two lines, the poem could be half the size if you put these type of lines together.

Fourth off: the imagery
Aha, here is the part that made me really like the poem! You use words well, my friend. The simile you used for the arrow, maybe a little cliche, but used well. My favorite part is the singing arrow part, the song of death and peace. So sad, but amazingly creative. Very well done here!

Fifth off: grammar
You don't need to use a capital on every word. It's just irritating. Also, when you end a line, you need a comma. I suppose this one is your choice but that's how I was taught to do in poems. I can see no spelling mistakes, which is very good.

Overall Rating
I liked this poem a lot. You obviously put a lot of time and effort into it, and you managed to tell a beautiful story. The length may be daunting to some, but the poem doesn't seem long when you read it through. Well done, I am looking forward to seeing more from you.

PM me if you have any questions. Sorry if I were a little harsh,
Squire Lioness