You torment me to the core, wise men say love is the true spoil of war.
Everyday with you a battle, each day I grow a little sadder.
Falling into black, slowly learning there is no turning back.
Your words are swords, cutting me as I thank you for my scars.
You only want to tear me down, pick fights with what little I have left.
I hold on to the lies.
Your smile, your laugh, and your touch.
I embrace this fate as if i were the one to cause it.
If hope and humanity are key, then what's that mean for me?
I've lost all my meaning, like an old crumpled up love note of past.
Some things never meant to last.
Good memories turning to bad, I only remember seeing you walk away.
But all that's over, only your voice haunts me now.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi JcSmooth!
Right off the bath, I would suggest changing "haunts" to "taunts". You categorized this poem under Dramatic, so that slight vocabulary change might help you reach this effect. Diction is always important! Doing so would also give the slight rhetorical effect of alliteration between "torment" and "taunt" and "tear". If you see a slight pattern while writing something, you should delve it up and run with it!
Patterns also signify significance and add depth to a piece!
I would also incorporate more emotion into this poem, as you do detail well, but your objective should be to reach out to the reader.
You have some very strong lines, my favorites including
"I embrace this fate as if i were the one to cause it."
and
"I've lost all my meaning, like an old crumpled up love note of past."
Those are your strongest lines thus far.
Another suggestion I have would be separating your lines, as some of them seem quite long, and you do have the option of using more lines in your stanzas. You'll continue to be consistent if that is what you're aiming for!
Keep writing, this poem can be very very strong. I'd give it a 6/10.
Good luck!
Happy Review Day!!!
-Sbitonti
I am here to review this since I really should be off doing other things...
Why have you formatted this like this? I would expect it to look more like:
You torment me to the core,
wise men say love is the true spoil of war.
There's nothing wrong with it, I suppose it could be considered a nice break from the norm, but it seems a little like painting yourself into the corner. But eh, if it works for you, it works for you.
Ooh, so battle imagery juxtaposed with love? Nice. However, beware of clichés, with stuff like this you don't want to come across as being hashed. Try to search for a little more creative descriptions, perhaps?
This is my least favorite section. I've seen this a million times. It's not original. Make this personal. What is it specifically about this person to you? Why do they matter to you? In what wat does it tear you down? And why embrace this fate? Specify, specify, specify.
Eh... this needs to be revised, me thinks. It's a bit gangly as-is.
Grammatically that should be "some things are never meant to last." Or you could even shorten it to "some things never last."
I think the ending here is the best part.
So to wrap this up, the only other thing I really have left to say is that this has great flow. I love the way my eyes kept moving... I know that sounds weird but... whatever... Try to add more description though. We're sort of in a white world right now, round things out. Most important is to make this personal. Specify. Because that is what makes it relatable.
~ED
Thank you! these are the reviews I need I get wrapped up in my own ego and just throw things out there
Eh well, poetry is by nature largely introverted, but I wouldn't call this poem here "arrogant," just a bit unrefined. Hope I had some useful comments for ya.
Hello Jcsmooth,Dark here with review on your poem.
One more love poetry here.With simple theme and questions that often hit human feelings. But you managed to write it in your own expressions, making a genuine poem from the writer himself.Let's me review from what stanzas that caught my eyes.
I love this part.It's something that came from your own idea to compare war with love itself.
Very well-written poem,good diction and unique.But anyway,you need to balance the structure of your poem and improve a bit in rhythm.I am sure you got a perfect poem here!
Very sad ending.This is a truth about love.Keep the good things up and keep writing in YWS.I wish to see more poems from you soon!Good job.
Kudos,cheers.
I appreciate this, I was kinda nervous about posting something so short. I kind of like being unique in my poems in some say. I feel as is my structure or sentence balance was all the same people would tire of it.
I appreciate you and if you have any tips just private message me
Awww... this made me so sad. I still really like it though. The combination of dark, mysterious, and sad work really well together when in poetry. The thought of lost love really gets to me. Also I'm sorry if that isn't what you were going for. Thank you.
I am thank you ^_^ I'm just a sad guy who has a fragile heart.