Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I'm beginning to think love is fake.
Why must I let my heart wander?
Every ends the same, another mistake.
How many times more, before my heart stays torn?
Love's a lie, disguised in a pretty bow.
The pain it holds, soon we all know.
Only once does love stay true.
The last you love, was always the one for you.
Often ended in deceit, sad to say death's the easier way.
Hearts full of infidelity often leave the deepest scars.
Death you learn to accept, at least they died when still in love.
How you ask does a heart get as black as mine?
In time you'll see love is an unforgiving torture.
The endless twists and turns often leading dead ends.
I tire of this maze, always in a haze; the faded days.
Many nights I've laid to rest wondering if, you will ever re-take your place in our bed.
I've been rejected, neglected, I feel abused and used.
The only one worthy of my heart, let me down like many in the end.
If never knowing you could be found, at the bottom of this bottle i'd drink to no end.
I assume it'll take more than one, to bring my misery to an end.
It's a temporary fix to daily problem.
Jacks' found his way into my nightly routine.
He listens to what I have to say.
Never once do I hear him complain.
All the same, not hearing your voice is driving me insane.
You sewed your name to the fabric of my soul.
I thought you'd be apart of me forever.
Do you know the pain, off ripping stitches from your soul?
If not I hope someday you learn the pain.
Remember the day you promised to always refrain causing me pain?
I do I remember just like the day you left, both chilled me to the core.
You're a bitch and i'm a fool, i'm a fool she loves me not.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
I really loved the emotion and thought that has clearly been put into this poem. Your imagery was also very well done my favourite has to be:
such a beautifully painful usage of personification.I also loved your usage of rhetorical questions which were very powerful and helped to draw me in.
However I felt a little let down at your ending: I understand the hatred towards this heart breaker but swearing didn't really seem to fit it. Not that I am against swearing in fact it can be used in powerful and shocking ways at time but here it just does.
I only noticed technical mistakes where you didn't have a capital 'I'.
All in all this poem was very well written and I just loved how much raw emotion was able to flow from the piece. Great job!
Hi
I loved your poem, it was incredibly meaningful! There were so many parts that I especially liked!
“Love's a lie disguised in a pretty bow.
The pain it holds, soon we all know"
Beautiful imagery!
“It' s a temporary fix to daily problem.
Jacks' found his way into my nightly routine.
He listens to what I have to say.
Never once do I hear him complain."
This line had a couple of mistakes in it; but overall my favorite part in your whole poem! I love the way you personify his addiction, it makes it deeper and gives it a “cutting edge" so to speak. As Morticiansdaughter19 said, the second to the last stanza is also amazing.
Overall your poem is truly great, but here are some of the mistakes / personal preferences I'm a little picky about:
“Every ends the same, another mistake."
This line threw me off, which isn't a very good thing because it was in your first stanza, which-in my opinion-is the most important one. We're you trying to say every end is the same? If so you might want to add a comma before the 's' or write every end IS the same. Or were you trying to say every, “Every 'something' ends the same." If so you must have forgotten a word. Also after same, it might be better if, instead of using a comma, you used a semicolon or colon. Just some suggestions!
“The last you love, was always the best for you."
This is kind of confusing to me. Wouldn't it be better if it were, “The one you love last, was always the best for you." Also, I get what you're trying to say with this, but your meaning was a bit misconstrued. The one you love last isn't always the best for you, which is obvious because the subject of the poem was hurt by the last person he had loved. Maybe there's a better way to make your point. For example:
“The one you love last, is the one you love most."
Just a thought! There are also a few places you should add, replace, or move around, commas. It might be a good idea to look it over.
“I do remember just like the day you left, both chilled me to the core."
This sentence is kind of boxy and the punctuation throws it off.
“I remember it just like the day you left; both chilled me to the core."
That might be less confusing.
Your very last stanza, as well, just didn't fit. The poem ended on a sour note, which consequently took from it as a whole. I'm should begin with a capital I, not a lowercase. “You're a *****, and I'm a fool; a fool because she loves me not."
This, to me, would sound a lot better than what you put and end the poem better.
Overall it was fantastic!! Great imagery, great writing. Loved it and hope you improve it to it's full potential!!
Amazing job, keep writing-writing-writing!!!
-Killyouwithwords
I often times end things swiftly relying on the imagery of the words to keep a flow. I'm glad you understand what I was trying to say, also I was quite distressed when writing this poem. I will re read and improve, I am glad many of my mistakes are mechanical ones. We can all train our selves to omit these.
Don't get me wrong though, I loved your poem!!!
That was very intense and interesting.
For the most part it was very good it has some errors here and there in which I will point out in a bit.
my favorite part:
"All the same, not hearing your voice is driving me insane.
You sewed your name to the fabric of my soul.
I thought you'd be apart of me forever.
Do you know the pain, off ripping stitches from your soul?"
In this stanza you showed how important this one person was to you, that was a good piece to put in your poem.
Now for the errors, I'm sorry I have to point these out:
"I tire of this maze, always in a haze; the faded days." it doesn't make sense you should change it to: "I am tired of this maze, always in a haze; the faded days.".
And: "The endless twists and turns often leading dead ends." just add a "to a" after the word 'leading' and you should be good. That is all I could find, you are pretty good with punctuations! keep up the great work!