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Young Writers Society



The Story of the Grave

by ajruby12


The Story of the Grave

The throbbing has stopped;

Their heart pounds no more.

As their bodies are moved,

Through an old wooden door.

Oh, their memories will last

And their fame long held tight.

But they were never asked

Whether they wanted death or life.

A single moment, that's all it took

To take their lives away.

Just one second, a long, harsh look

At the reality of today.

Some of them went to heaven, I know

But others fell down into fire.

Some of them mourned by a cawing crow,

But others mourned by the lyre.

So, dear friend, don't misjudge life

And say, "I have time to spare!"

Though you may be stuck with strife,

You still will have an heir.

Do not ruin the life of the child

That watches you each day.

Be gentle, loving, meek and mild

And show that child the way.


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Wed Oct 23, 2013 2:03 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



This is one of the three reviews that will be given to you be a Green Room Knight.

Truth be told, I'm not sure I understand the title. I mean, yes, you talk about people who are dying/dead, but the title is "The story of the grave"

The. Singular. And then you go off and talk in plural terms. So that's a little confusing, and therefore the title doesn't really fit.

The rhyme scheme is good, but on some lines it felt forced. And then the rhythm got thrown off because the rhyme felt forced. But, overall, it was a good rhyme.

I love your message in the last few lines, about how we shouldn't take life for granted. Great job squeezing that in! The general narrative was very good, and enjoyable to read.

All-in-all, I give this an A+. You did a wonderful job, and you are an excellent writer.

KT




ajruby12 says...


It's kind of a collective term.. But I know what you mean!



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Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:06 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi ajruby!

Hitting this up by honour of the Knights of the Green Room - and also because I love poetry!

First of all I have to congratulate you on your rhyme! I mostly dislike rhyme, it gets in the way of flow and direction, as far as I am concerned. However, the rhyme you have here is barely noticeable, which puts it in the "good" category for me. I had to read the poem twice to realise that you were rhyming! I do think that some of your lines are a little stilted, but I think this is because of focus.

Your focus is too broad. Why "they"? Why are you making us think in big numbers instead of small ones - small ones would tug our heart strings a little stronger and remind us just how important the little people are. Your poem becomes stronger when you slide into the "you", because it directs our emotions and our reading onto ourselves and that's a stronger pull than the vague "their".

I think the poem is probably talking about moving on after a death of a child? Or, not letting that death damage your relationship with other children? It's a little bit preachy on this point, awkward in it's blunt way of saying your point. I might suggest employing a little more imagery along the way to really suck us into what you're saying before you hit the point home. Not all poetry needs to be heartbreaking or 'epic' but it's a bit cool to strive for that, I think.

Try reading this aloud with a slight pause at the end of each line. If those pauses start to feel awkward, you need to reconsider what you're writing and how you're expressing yourself.

Thanks for posting this. Let me know if you change anything. :)

- Penguin.




ajruby12 says...


I know that many people are confused about why the last 4 lines are in there.. It's not just for children, but it's basically meaning that you can't "huddle up" and shut yourself out from the world because of the death of a loved one. You have to move on and not waste the time you have. Also, it's hard to make this personal and keep the main idea. Thanks so much for your review!

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight



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Mon Oct 07, 2013 3:49 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there ajruby! Knight Nite here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.

Overall, this is pretty good. I'm not crazy about rhyming poems in general, but you handle it pretty well for the most part. I especially liked the crow/lyre image.

Just one second, a long, harsh look

At the reality of today.


"Just one second" feels redundant, and "the reality of today" seems a bit off-topic. The piece is about mortality, which is a fairly timeless concept--why put a timeframe on it just to make a rhyme? See if you can't rephrase.

But they were never asked

Whether they wanted death or life.


The last line feels long, plus it doesn't quite rhyme. This doesn't work so well when the other rhymes are fairly simple. Maybe you could do something with "night" like "if they wished to die tonight?"

I wasn't really a big fan of the ending. It seems to imply that the only purpose of life is to raise a child, which is hurtful to those who can't have or don't want children. Then again, it's difficult to do the preachy-fable thing without coming off simplistic, so kudos for trying.

More general comment: Watch the punctuation, especially at the beginning. I wouldn't put a comma at the end of a line if it doesn't need to be there.

Overall, there's some spooky stuff, but the rhythm could be fixed. Keep writing! :)




ajruby12 says...


First off, the "reality of today" is telling people to not live in a fantasy, so to speak. The "long harsh look" is the eye opening expirience of someone who sees someone who died.
Also, the point is NOT that you should raise children but that children are watching YOU. The point is to not slip into shock and waste your life.



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:11 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings! Sorry about that useless comment, butterfingers here.

Happy Review Day!

Your poem is nice. Story lines, but nice. If it hasn't already been suggested - consider a format. This is too eh, it looks ugly. It needs stanzas and strong ones, like a group of friends bunched together to become stronger. Make sense?

As for the rhymes, I felt those were forced at certain parts. Don't do that! Poems don'thave to rhyme at all. Ever heard of freeform poetry? If you haven't, look it up. It's awesome, it saves me the trouble of forcing things to rhyme. J'm not saying this was forced, per se, but there's room for improvement. Some felt like you struggled to match them up. Just don't sweat it next time. :)

Another tip is more imagery. Everything about a poem is imagery. You've got some here and there, but not enough.

Other than that, it was a pleasure to read! I did enjoy myself. Nce flow, nice word play. Overall, well done. :)

For Team YWSDBG,
~Iggy




ajruby12 says...


Well, I most say something.. I don't view free verse as poetry, honestly.. I'm just not a fan of it! I love rhythm and rhyme and just the beauty of it.. Anyway.. Yeah, I realize the format isn't terribly pretty but I couldn't really think of a way to change it without messing up the delicate structure. Thank you so much for the review!
"May the reviews be ever in your favor!"

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight



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Thu Sep 26, 2013 12:32 am
PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Love it as always!! It flowed very nicely. Great work. There are a couple awkward places. The one that I think is most awkward is "some of them went to heaven, I know" I think you could have said that a little better. It just kinda doesn't seem right. Really like it!! Keep it coming, you're becoming a better poet and writer all the time.




ajruby12 says...


Well, the rhythm changes right there.. From "dow into fire" to "mourned by a lyre" it changes..



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:30 pm
Auxiira says...



pssst! shift-enter to only jump down one line instead of two!




ajruby12 says...


Ha, I copy and pasted this from an email.. (I really don't like it when the format gets changed and you don't realize it..)



Auxiira says...


^^



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 6:26 pm
starlitskies wrote a review...



Hello there, I'm here to review your poem. ^^

I really like this, it has wonderful imagery and smooth transitions between the style changes. You touched on many aspects of death and managed to have positive thoughts running through it despite the topic.

"The throbbing has stopped,
Their heart pounds no more.
As their bodies are moved,
Through an old wooden door."

While I love the writing itself in this stanza, the comma in the first two lines interrupts my reading. I would substitute a semicolon as it's more grammatically correct.

"The throbbing has stopped;
their heart pounds no more."

Wonderful piece of work here, well done! ^^




ajruby12 says...


Thanks for the suggestion! I'll make sure to change that..



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Fri Sep 20, 2013 5:56 pm
SweetNothing wrote a review...



Oh wow! That was really awesome! I liked how you snuck a few Christian principles in there, LOL. I love how you kept the same form, but not. I saw how you switched it but then switched back. IT was a really graceful kind of transition that not a lot of people came make so easily. I don't believe on correction grammar so much as the writing style, because everyone has their own way of writing. But mistakes I will. And lucky for you there are no mistakes that I immediately see. So keep up the good work :)




ajruby12 says...


Thank you! I've been told I have a talent for it.. :)
But I'm really trying to become a better writer/poet.




No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
— Daisy Bates