Lords, give me strength, for
I have only supported you, and
you wish of me to stand alone?
I have upset you,
and one by one your backs
have turned away. Now,
I stand alone.
.
Lords, give me forgiveness, for
I have penance drowning my life.
I need something to break so
when I stand upon my feet, I am not
holding up twelve tons
of all the things I've done making
this world clean.
.
Lords, give me grace, for
as I hear their cackles rake
like the fire in my cheeks,
I must still walk away and
face the days ahead without
a trace of horror.
.
Lords, give me strength, for
I have penance drowning my life
like the fire in my cheeks.
I have upset you
holding up twelve tons;
a trace of horror.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review on this lovely March Review Day. Hmm.....do I have words to say to kinda give you something to smile about? Hmmm let's see if I can find a totally unrelated quote that may make you smile.
So here is something that may make you find some inspiration. "Fear is not evil. It tells you what your weakness is. And once you know your weakness, you can become stronger as well as kinder." ~Gildarts, Fairy Tail
Now on to the review that I should be doing.
First off is STYLE.
I really liked the style that you have. How each stanza is another thing that your speaker is asking strength to be able to bear it and get past it. It is very amazing how you did that.
[/b]Nitpicks?[/b]
What are nitpicks?
But now really I do know waht they are, but can I find any here? Maybe if I were to reread this again and again, I would find some time for it, but you know, with Review Day. Ain't nobody got time for that. But now, I found it to be very well written, and I have nothing to nitpick over.
Now unto my FAVORITES
~This reminds of the Percy Jackson series where two of them had to hold the sky up, till they could trick the Titan, Atlas, back between the sky and earth.
~I liked this part of the stanza, because of the vivid imagery.
Hey Aley!
Ooooh, "Lords" quite the mystery as to who they are. I actually imagined them being the Olympians because of the "twelve tons" part. But, I might be wrong. The Lords could be anyone/anything. I quite like that mystery, it makes the poem seem more personal.
Lovely, lovely, lovely. It's the type of question that tries to induce regret and guilt on the receiving party; and I think it works. Although, I think that "and" would look better as "yet".
You've done, here, what I try to do a lot. Separate your sentence, so that the most important part stands out on its own. "I stand alone" would be that in this case. Well done.
Aley, you have left me simply with very little to critique. You're
awfulbrilliant.From the work I have read of yours, you never cease to impress me. Your words always hold such emotion and meaning, you are a truly amazing writer and I don't think anyone can say different. You write many things, and you never repeat yourself; everything is original and... just amazing!
Okay, I'm done praising you. XD
Just make sure you keep up the awesome work!
Happy YWSing,
-Clarity.
Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day.
and one by one your backs
have turned away. Now,
I stand alone.
At first I thought you should join the now with the last line, but on second thought realized how much more dramatic and effective leaving the "I stand alone" alone was. Good job with that, whether accidental or not, which I doubt it was.
when I stand upon my feet, I am not
holding up twelve tons
of all the things I've done making
this world clean.
I found those lines very interesting, but is the Main Character saying that he regrets doing things to keep the world clean?
Lords, give me strength, for
I have penance drowning my life
I think that in these lines the for should be on the second lines. but not a huge deal if you didn't change it. If you had the way it was for rhythm i don't think it would really upset it it. Anyway it's just a suggestion to leave up to your decision.
Like Dragonfphoenix said though, I have no idea who the lords are. Are they like gods? Are they merely people in higher rank? And who is the Main Character. Is he a crime-fighter? Or he someone just trying to help the world be a better place to live? anyway I liked your writing overall. Good job.
Keep it up!
Happy Review Day!!!!!
Hi Aley,here I am to make my review on your poem.Based on the title of your poem, I think it will lead to a beautiful words here. But I missed expectations with the title when it filled with grumbling and confession of sin.
#Lords , give me strength, for
I have only supported you, and -->Tone of grievance here.
you wish of me to stand alone?
#Lords , give me forgiveness, for--->confession of sin
I have penance drowning my life.
*This tone of voice actually making sense as you begging Lord to give you courage to faces your life and you really have a good point to show up here.
However,there is a lines that makes me confuse a lot here:
"I need something to break so
when I stand upon my feet, I am not
holding up twelve tons
of all the things I've done making
this world clean."-->I don't actually get the real meaning of these lines.
The question about who is this Lord reminds me about Christ through the first stanza:
#...
I have upset you,
and one by one your backs
have turned away. Now,
I stand alone.--->keep reminds me of the Bible story when all the apostles left Jesus when he was arrested in the garden of Gethsemane .While Peter stay to defend him.
Well,it is not clear here.Anyway,I enjoyed reading your poem here
Thanks.
~NightWalker.
Hey Nightwalker, I know I'm really late in telling you any of this, but hey, whatever.
So this poem I really wanted to echo the confession of sin feel, which you picked up on, but in the whole poem, I have the narrator only confess to "cleaning up the world" and "doing penance" instead of actually doing any sin. Basically what I was trying to capture, especially with that area that you don't understand is that this is a person who has done good their entire lives, so they have nothing of which they can be forgiven. In effect, they have lived a good pure life, and the Lords are turning away from him/her to go help those who have sinned, and show them that they are there instead of their true devout.
"I need something to break" meaning I need to commit sin so that "when I stand upon my feet, I am not" without sin to weigh against his/her good deeds.
Hi there. I must say that I did like this experimental poem. It wasn't tok short or too long and was complete with stellar firgurative language. I liked your lines about fire in cheeks. However, I have to agree with the user below me on something. It is confusing to me as to who exactly the "Lords" are. Are they like gods or goddesses, or do they maintain some type of authoritative position? That was the only thing that confused me, though. The rest was good.
Interesting, but I have a few questions. Who are these Lords? At times I felt like the main character was doing good to clean up the world, but then you call it penance, and so I'm confused as to why the MC's doing penance. Or is the point simply of the MC's agony the point of this poem? I feel like it's the right length, but I just feel like I need a little more info. So please consider revising. I'm really not trying to cramp your style, I just don't feel entirely satisfied.
Hope this helps!