Those Left Behind
In memory, we say,
you were the best.
Hold your head up high and move on.
The world around you moves without you.
The stars still glimmer with hope.
They shimmer like polished silver.
Our eyes water and our throats clutch.
In memory, we say,
rest well at last.
Thoughts of pastel colors and quiet meadows.
We condemn them to the quiet life of happiness.
We say it rains for them.
The world misses them.
We cannot get them off our minds.
In memory, we say,
goodbye my friend.
My best regards with soft kind wishes.
It all comes down to innocent tears.
Comfort is useless.
We will miss them.
We don't accept right away that they are gone.
Our minds conflict with what happens to them
We have to know that they aren't just gone.
We search for answers to eternal questions.
We lose our life,
our love,
and our anger,
all with the loss of them.
In memory, we say,
I love you still,
and I will keep you close in spirit.
I hope you are better there.
You were the best.
I miss you.
I will see you some day.
Rest well at last.
I know you're happy now.
Goodbye.
Silent confessions to a corpse.
Whispers to the wind.
Our comfort comes.
We move on,
with them.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Starting out, I just want to say: Argh! Right in the feels!
Seriously, though, this poem has some serious depth to it, and I can't help but wonder if it's inspired depth. I wouldn't be surprised if this work was spurred by a personal event.
In poetry and a couple other, more abstract forms of writing, I don't care about grammar. However, the grammar in this piece is flawless anyway, so thanks for making my job easy there.
I like this line at the end of the first stanza because you don't come out and say "We grieve for you all." Implying with imagery is a much more effective way of emphasizing something, not to mention it's more poetic. At least, that's in my opinion.
This stanza is packed with imagery, and I like it. A lot. The second line is very unique; I enjoy the contrast portrayed in condemning them to happiness, though I can't help being a bit confused by it. Eh - maybe the meaning will come to me eventually.
I feel like I'm being punched in the chest every time I read this. And for some reason, I can't stop reading it. It's expressed exactly how I think a grieving person would, so great job on the authenticity there. At this point, my mental voice has transformed into a sobbing person. That's saying something.
It's actually 'corpse' here (unless you're talking about 'the corps' as in the army, but that wouldn't seem to fit as well), and I think that's the only spelling mistake. The ending is perfectly suited to the poem in its entirety; there's the grief, the denial, the sudden dulling of the emotions, the existential questions, and the acceptance. The 'with them' expression is an excellent way to put it, as it shows that 'those left behind' are never actually left behind.
In addition, the last stanza provides that feeling of finally overcoming the onslaught of emotion and realizing that they'll always be with you, no matter what happens.
Well, overall, there doesn't seem to be anything that I can improve on. The grammar is fine, the figurative language is great, and the message hits home. The writing style here is so profoundly heartfelt that it gives a huge amount of emotion to the piece, something that (like I've said previously) can be very difficult to convey. Excellent job.
Thanks for taking the time to read,
-Crunch
Hey Aley,
It's your Santa again. I wonder if I am going to get addicted to your poems too because this was just wonderful!
The plot on which this was based was great. I liked the idea of writing about those who are dead and not with us anymore.
The repetition was good too, it's not usually we find repetition good in poems (judging on how many I have read) So I was quite surprised by this one because repetition really worked here!
The punctuation and grammar were perfect too.
Keep writing and all the best for your next work!!!
Umaima
Personally, I thought this was beautiful. It was a poem about death, but it wasn't ranting baout how much one misses the dead person, it was just.. telling. It was nice. Make sure you fix the two errors Kyllorac pointed out, and in the line:
Goodbye my friend.
I reccommend a comma after Goodbye.
Great job.
The second and fourth stanzas struck me as a bit too abstract. They obscure the main point of the poem. In addition, you end almost every line with a period. This gives your poem an overall feeling of disjointedness and breaks up the flow. I suggest using commas where grammatically appropriate and semicolons to show where two sentences are closely related. This will help unify your poem into a cohesive whole.
Another thing you need to watch out for is spelling: "loose" should be "lose" and "corps" should be "corpse". In both cases, the misspelled word does not sound like the intended one.
Something I think you could play around and experiment with is line breaks. All your line breaks are at the end of a sentence, which is kind of boring. Try breaking your lines up at different points and seeing how they affect the meaning or effect of your poem. Formatting is very important in poetry, and line breaks and punctuation make up a large part of formatting.
It's nice a real emotianal piece that everyone can relate to.