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Tell me, where have you been
That when I look upon your cup
You are away from my whim?

Speak true, was the journey hard
Which took you so far as
To galavant across the yard?

Did you notice that you were not at my side?
Could you tell the one grasping was not of the same mind?

It must have been difficult
To scroll unfamiliar thoughts
As I sat away from you
Using your kin instead.

All that's left is to proffess
How much I miss your ink,
And the roll of your ball
Across my page, bleeding
Out my thoughts.

It is hard when you're away.

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Points: 82
Reviews: 53

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 5:13 am

Killyouwithwords wrote a review...

Wow, this a really good poem...and quite unusual. I love that you're writing about a pen. Kind of ironic isn't it? It was smooth and well written with very little that I would change.

But some of the punctuation is kind of strange. You added periods and commas where they were due, but then you capitalized every line which kind of just threw the whole point of even doing that in the first place. But I know that's just a stylistic choice, so I don't have many problems with that.

But one stanza wasn't as good as the rest:

Speak true, was the journey hard
Which took you so far as
To galavant across the yard?

This is choppy and insignificant, I didn't feel as if it added anything to the poem, or deepened the substance. You should either cut it out completely, or make it smaller.

But these are just suggestions, and you don't have to follow a word of my advice On a lighter note I really liked the stanza:

It must have been difficult
To scroll unfamiliar thoughts
As I sat away from you
Using your kin instead.

Something about this stanza makes me laugh...but in a good way Terrific job and keep writing!!!

Points: 150
Reviews: 213

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Thu Jul 04, 2013 6:15 pm

dark wrote a review...

It's been a long, long, long, time since I have reviewed or even read anything by you. So, here I am!
Here is a beautiful poem by you. Short and sweet and just simp,y marvelous. Your wording goes with the poem perfectly as it should. Your vocabulary overall is interesting. I love it when poems use uncommon words.
One stanza kind of caught me off guard, he first one,

"Tell me, where have you been
That when t look upon your cup
You are away from my whim?"

Honestly, don't understand what it means, so I actually enjoyed it the most. I hope I get to review other things by you soon!
~Dark

Aley says...

Hey Dark.

Nice to hear from you <3 Skorlir is right in his assumption that I'm actually talking about a pen, and the cup is a storage device for the pen. I actually wrote this poem as a poem about missing the pen I typically write poems with.

Points: 1115
Reviews: 83

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Thu Jul 04, 2013 2:13 am

skorlir wrote a review...

Is it weird to review your mentor's work?

I had to read it more than once, but I found the beauty in this poem. I was originally hung up on imagery that didn't seem to make sense to me - but am slowly realizing, especially in music, that sometimes lyrics do not make sense, and so a poem can do the same (so long as it retains originality and serves the theme).

Tell me, where have you been
That when I look upon your cup
You are away from my whim?

You remember I mentioned "egregiousness" for seemingly no reason? The "that" in your second line is why - it is unnecessary, and, personally, the line seems better without. Here is the rant I mentioned, where I explain why I hate these classes of words, and what I suggest one does about them.

EDIT: That's a terrible example. But the post still applies in general.

The phrase "away from my whim" does not seem to follow - you are longing for someone who is gone, who is usually subject to your whim? It's somewhat odd phrasing. Perhaps that it what you mean. Regardless, it does not feel... poetic.

I get the inkling, from the next stanza, you are talking about a dog. Especially the gallivanting across the yard.

Speak true, was the journey hard
Which took you so far as
To galavant across the yard?

"Speak true" does not add to the poem (or at least to my reading), but it does set off the first line. Consider removing it. Another instance of mild egregiousness: the last "as" in the second line. "Galavant" should be gallivant.

Did you notice that you were not at my side?
Could you tell the one grasping was not of the same mind?

Mmmmmh... This is good, but the lines feel long. Cry to be more curt?

It must have been difficult
To scroll unfamiliar thoughts
As I sat away from you
Using your kin instead.

I am not familiar with "scrolling" thoughts. And the line about "using your kin instead" confuses me some - you have replaced this missing character with family or familiar? I understand you are trying to intimate jealousy, but it comes across somewhat poorly. I had to dig for it.

All that's left is to proffess
How much I miss your ink,
And the roll of your ball
Across my page, bleeding
Out my thoughts.

Profess has only one 'f'. The word "that's" can be safely removed.
At this stanza, it becomes quite clear you are talking about a pen. But it confounds some of the earlier imagery. Gallivanting across the yard? The cup makes more sense; a pen holder. Did somehow the pen get thrown? It is unclear.

I like "bleeding out my thoughts." Quite capable language, that bit.

It is hard when you're away.

This is strangely anticlimactic. You reveal what the subject has been this whole time, only to then say "It is hard when you're away?" Perhaps your thoughts are lost; your feelings stoppered, without outlet? I don't know... It just doesn't seem quite right.

I like the poem. Once I got into it, which took some time, it came across relatively well. But there is, of course, room for improvement. A difficulty that could, I think, easily be lessened with a little refinement. Some things you saw in your mind, you do not adequately convey. There are gaps, it seems, in the narrative.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir

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