Standing upon life’s crossroads
When parting ways are we to make,
Singing some million melancholic odes
Moist of eyes, we partake
Again to start, a journey started
To end one that ne’er began.
But memories that heart guarded
Will e’er not cease to charm.
Time passed, laugh we spake
Tears of wit silently kissed
Arms in arms e’er we take,
Time these ageless be missed
Came with a bronze, took gold
A heart festooned with priceless love
One, which no soul be sold
‘ever flies the lucid dove.
When the heart sings alone
Emotions' profundity can be measured
Fathom deep till yet unknown
With smile be it treasured….
( Wrote on the last day of my school...Hence the theme)
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hello! So I was unsure when I read the title of this as I thought it was very cliche, but I clicked through on a whim and your unusual form interested me enough that I have decided to review.
1. The second line is very awkward. It feels forced and quickly we realise this is because you're trying to rhyme with the fourth line, but a reader shouldn't be realising that. It should feel natural and smooth. Maybe try something like:
Standing upon life's crossroads
when parting ways are to undertake
the singing of a million melancholic odes
and with moist eyes we make
again to start, a journey started.
By having the lines cross over like this, the rhymes are more subtle and instead of distracting the reader from the poem, they support it.
2. I don't think the old vocabulary is helping you here. Sometimes it's nice to read a poem with old turns of phrases like ne'er and e'er but they don't add anything to this poem. There isn't a strong enough sense of persona that I imagine an old person is reading this. Perhaps if you built up that more then it would work, but at the moment it feels like you're using old language for the sake of old language - there's no purpose behind it. People also usually want to see a modern vocabulary if they've chosen to read a modern poem. If I wanted to read something Shakespearean, would read Shakespeare and know that the language and grammar were authentic, rather than reproduced.
3. You have a lot of images here which aren't full explored and that's a shame because some of them are very intriguing. I want to understand what 'came with a bronze, took gold' means. I want to know the story and what bronze and gold are representing in this scenario. As it is, it ends up just being a string of words if we aren't given the context behind it. It's better to choose three strong images and spend a stanza exploring each, than to introduce something new on every line.
Overall
I like the layout of this poem and as I said in my comment above, there are some interesting sentences, but there's nothing to connect them all together or to explain what's happening in the poem. You lose the theme of crossroads early on and don't return to it so by the end of the poem, we've forgotten what it's even about or where you started.
There's also a lot of awkwardness with the rhymes and it's too obvious that you've changed what you wanted to say to fit with the rhyme scheme. I'd suggest trying to write this without the rhymes first to really get down what you want the poem to be about, even if it's only in the form of a quick draft. Then try to add rhymes in but never move too far away from that draft.
I hope that helps a little!
Heather xx
Here I am again for a review for your poem Leo. You know I quite like that name.
Okay I have to say just like the last time and the time before I think that this old English sounds wrong like e'er I can't understand it.
Second why are you putting in periods when you need to have commas also whats with the indentation?
Third what is your plot or does this even have one?
I am also wondering what is with the last line of what you wrote means.
Well you wrote this in a weird way it doesn't make much sense to me, I would say you should fix it up a bit but that is just me.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Nice poem~
~Jonathan~
Hi! Sparkle here to review!
This is a very interesting poem visually. I liked the way you formatted it. It adds a layer of depth to the poem. It made me think of a flight of stairs from one journey to another, or something of the sort. I don't know if that is what you intended it to mean, but if it was I think it was very subtle and well done.
The style this poem is written in is also intriguing. The way you used abbreviations like e'er made it seem almost like a minstrel's song. I though that you did a good job with the rymes, also.
I agree with what Dmytra said about using 'start' twice and speaking laughs. That made me pause while reading the poem, and disrupted the flow of it a bit.
This is a often-used topic in writing, but you did it in a refreshing and interesting way, so excellent job!
Happy review day, and keep writing!
Hey there, Leo!
If you are in the rhyming and meter school of poetry, I'm afraid we may not meet much after this! And that would make me sad, but I don't know if I can convince you to try out free form.
I'll present my case, get examples from this poem, an then leave it to you to decide.
I am against most rhyming poetry because in most rhyming poetry, the rhyme takes control and the writer loses their intention. Which means we don't get the full communication and basically we don't get the poem you wanted to give us.
Now, before I go further into that, I want to say that you have an eye for sharp language. This line, for example, blew me away:
It's simple. Six words. But it brings out the emotion and narrative of a whole year, even without the specifics. It captures the tone of what you want to communicate with this poem, but it also can't do that alone -- it needs the context of a community and other events -- so yeah, it needs its home in a poem.
But not in a poem that rhyme controls.
Okay. Okay. I know for a fact that you can find any number of ways to rationalize your decision for the word dove. I've written rhyming poetry before and I remember saying, "But hey, this symbolizes this, or this bird feels like this emotion to me, so it's fine and it rhymes." When really it never symbolized that or felt like that emotion to me until I needed to use that word for a rhyme. I am just going to say it that you never wanted to use the word dove. And that means you let the rhyme control you. It's REALLY sneaky, because you are creative. You are so creative that you can create threads through anything and find the reasons behind each word even as you write the poem.
And if the poem's just for you, then that's fine, but if you're looking to present it to an audience, you can't do that. The audience is going to be picked up on the wave of your rhyme and meter. That's generally one thing that structured poems are good for: keeping movement going (unless you get into longer lines, then they might be more lullaby-ish). That means that when your readers are confused about a line's meaning or feel a rhyme sounds false, they're going to stop completely. You don't want them to stop completely. You want them to pick up your poem in one swoop.
Here are other lines I don't think you'd have ever written if you weren't in the power of the rhyme:
There are also lots of sentences that are needlessly twisted in the old-style speaking thing. I personally think sentences are more powerful and hit harder when not removed from the reader's heart by the level of decoding that weird phrasing and sentence structure makes.
If you have any questions or want to debate about this, my PM box is open to you~
Good luck and keep writing.
Why, hello there LeoPenrhythm! OMGhamsterdweeb is here to review your poem!
*wipes away tears* This is a really relatable poem, because everyone leaves school eventually, and sometimes it's a sad time. Having to say goodbye to teachers, to friends, and to the life you had at school is always a sad time.
I just really love the poem. Sorry if this isn't much of a review. I'm just speechless
Keep up the good work!
Swagilicious huggles from OMGhamsterdweeb!
Hehe:-) thanks for your "brief" review OMG
Hello,
I love your poem and I can definitely relate to it. I think the words you use are beautiful and well chosen.
Some areas I feel are a bit awkward. I feel like this poem is so heart felt that its meaning should not be trapped in some of the verbal netting I see in it.
--> I can see that you have manipulated your word order here order to make the rhyme. However, this just feels forced to me, and rather strange. I think the first line can simply be, "When parting ways we are to make." This is much more natural to say and has a nicer rhythm. The rhyming line could then be, "With moist eyes, we partake." This may not seem right to you, but as the reader, I feel that the word order is inhibiting the emotion that these words are trying to convey.
--> For one, I don't like that you've used the same word twice. There are many synonyms to start you could use for the first "start." Such as "commence," "begin,"...etc.
--> I also don't understand why you say the first journey "ne'er began." Do you mean that it was so short a journey it feels like it never began, or that it was meaningless?
--> The first line should read "Time passed, laughs we spake." In addition to this, I don't like the idea of someone speaking laughs. Would they say "Ha Ha Ha," is that what speaking a laugh is?
--> The last line should read "Times this ageless will be missed." The addition of will evens out your pre-established iambic pentameter and makes a bit more sense.
I am not sure how I feel about the words "e'er" and "ne'er" being used. It inappropriately dates your poem and is a bit condescending and out of tone.
In all, I liked your poem and I appreciate the meaning of it. I just believe that you tried a bit to hard to rhyme and lost track of what you were really trying to convey. Let your words flow a bit more naturally and the rhythm of your poem will fall in place. Rhyming is difficult, but you must, as an author, make it appear easy to the reader.
Thanks for a good read,
Dmytra
Thanks for the review:-) regarding the expression of "laugh we spake," I meant to express the laughing, or in better words, jovial conversations we had...In school life, it specially refers to the jokes we cracked on each other... the sobriquets we gave to each other etc. etc....these were "conversations" for me, in which we always reply with a laughter...I hope you understand what i mean to say...