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Dreamkeeper

by TonelessBard


I found the lyrics in an old notepad folder I haven't opened since last year. It's actually great to read something you wrote during the spiritual/romantic apocalypse of that time. It's supposed to be a song but I never recorded it nor played to someone.



Let me hear the echo of your consciousness screaming
Let the wave of feelings strike you while you're dreaming
You are alive, all the time.

They're gonna hurt you, mostly the dumb
Controlled by an instinct instead of a heart,
when you're alive, all the time.

Leave the trace of your existence, here on my lips
words are not enough to say what perfectly fits
all together, all the time.

Keep the dream alive, until I arrive
Drown the sorrow in the nearest sea
and call my name, I'll set you free.

Thunder killed the silence deep inside your brain,
changed your way of thinking when it started to rain,
I was right, all the time.

Close your eyes and fall asleep, but stay awake
make a place for you and me and I will arrive
but don't worry, there's no hurry.

Leave the trace of your existence, here on my lips
words are not enough to say what perfectly fits
all together, all the time.

Keep the dream alive, until I arrive
Drown the sorrow in the nearest sea
and call my name, I'll set you free.




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Wed Sep 11, 2013 7:47 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Wow. Well done, you! This is even more of an improvement than the last one I reviewed. In fact, the *only* suggestion I have to make for this one is to watch your punctuation. It's easy to fall prey to incorrect punctuation (especially commas) in poems and songs, since they're written in a different form than we're used to.

The easiest way to remedy this is to rewrite each stanza in standard paragraph form and see if your punctuation still makes sense. Example:

"Leave the trace of your existence, here on my lips words are not enough to say what perfectly fits all together, all the time."

Once this stanza is in paragraph form, you can see where the mistakes are. I don't know precisely how you meant this, so I can see multiple ways to fix this, but as an example here's what I would do:

"Leave the trace of your existence here on my lips. Words are not enough to say what perfectly fits all together, all the time."

Once you've corrected your punctuation, put the paragraph back in stanza form:

"Leave the trace of your existence here on my lips.
Words are not enough to say what perfectly fits
all together, all the time."

Voila! Grammatically correct poem.

Otherwise, great job!

Blue




TonelessBard says...


Punctation is always my problem :D Thank you once again!



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Fri May 31, 2013 9:43 am
Deanz says...



Why haven't you recorded this? It gave me goosebumps just merely reading it .. Imagine what it can do to people by adding music to it :)




TonelessBard says...


I don't know. Maybe it will happen... I guess now it's not the time, but who knows... :3



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Thu May 30, 2013 3:32 am
darkangel_05 says...



I love how mysterious this sounds.




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Sun May 26, 2013 10:16 pm
Silverdragon150 wrote a review...



I haven't done poems for a while, and I'm not an expert, but I like how your poem is less about an actual scene and uses more of the abstract concepts and connects them to feeling and such.
When I first read over it I was caught off guard by the second stanza, since it has a different syllable count, and therefore different rhythm, than the first. When it gets to the 'verse' part later in stanzas 5 and 6 it avoids this, which is good, it lets it flow easier and makes it simpler to read. If you could find a way to tweak it a little it would make it flow better, but you don't want to lose your meaning. There was also a spot or two where it doesn't rhyme like the rest of it, but overall it was good to read and definitely a different style than a lot of other things I've read these days. Nice work.




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Sun May 26, 2013 1:47 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there TonelessBard! Ironic name there, as it seems you are a talented songwriter. This has a great rhythm and some awesome images. Just a few small comments:

Let us hear the echo of your consciousness screaming


I thought it was odd that you said us here, when the rest of the piece has "me" and "you". I assume you meant both of them, but it might make more sense as "me".

They're gonna hurt you, mostly the dumb
Controled by an instinct instead of a heart,


As Nether said, "controlled" is misspelled. I'm unsure about the word "dumb". It just doesn't sound right. It might make sense to make it rhyme with something like "tear you apart".

Leave the trace of your existence, here on my lips
words are not enough to say what perfectly fits
all together, all the time.


This is beautiful. Perhaps "a trace" would sound nice but this sounds great.

I was right, all the time.


I couldn't figure out how this fit in. What was the speaker right about?

On a more general note, you have punctuation, but it's not always consistent. I'd suggest going through again and punctuating as you would in prose. There's quite a few periods missing.

This is a beautiful piece overall, just some small changes could make it even better! Good job and keep writing! Oh and there's a Lyrics Workshop tomorrow if you're interested and there's space. :)




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Sun May 26, 2013 1:29 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey thar! Black here for a quick Review Day Review!

Haha! Finally a piece of lyrics/poetry with some rhyme! I'm so tired of reading all of these tiring narrative poetry pieces! It's great to see this! Nice work, your rhyming was good (Except for in one spot – gimme a moment and I'll show you), and your style was nice. Overall: A+. Good on everything. :) I really like your organization and rhyming style too!

So for that review! I love it how you show her love, it doesn't come across as powerful, sad, and long-suffering, but more as passion. Better in my opinion. I'm usually a sucker for themes which is probably why I prefer lyrics to poetry. Anyway, here are a couple little mistakes you made.

They're gonna hurt you, mostly the dumb
Controled by an instinct instead of a heart,
when you're alive, all the time.

Okay, as you can probably see 'Controled' is spelled wrong. You should have written 'Controlled', with two 'l's. Simple problem. Also, don't be too judgmental about humanity. Judging someone as dumb is foolish, people are far too variable to do that with any kind of accuracy. We're far too close to equals.

Leave the trace of your existence, here on my lips
words are not enough to say what perfectly fits
all together, all the time.

As you probably already see, 'lips' and 'fits' do not really rhyme. Something I love to do when writing lyrics that really helps me, is to read it out loud. Do it now, read this piece out loud! You'll see what I mean. Try some better wording ;)

Turns out I have to get going here, (I warned you this would be short!) so I'd like to pass out with a mention that you should really try to be more consistent with your rhyming order. Try it!

Great work! Keep writing – Guaranteed improvement!


~Black~





I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
— Thomas Edison