on command and control

4/7/26

i am tired

i have had enough of sunsets. enough of night skies like fields of jewels, enough of endless seas, enough of songs about falling in love and breaking up.
tell me something new for once. tell me a story that hasn’t been told.
(you’re nothing special, you say? that’s perfectly alright; i’m not either.
i just want to know you. the you beyond the nod-and-smile, beyond the everything-is-fine-even-when-it’s-not, beyond the i’m-good-and-how-are-you?)
tell me who you are and who you want to be and who you might’ve been.
tell me about the voices in your life. tell me about those who stand in your way and those who clear your path. tell me where your mind flies to when you space out. tell me about the places you call home. tell me who you are.
but it isn’t that easy, is it? i can’t simply walk up to you and request that you unravel your story for me. there is a long, circuitous path through small talk and invested time and gradual steps.
(unfortunately, i fear i will scream if another person asks me what my year and major are. i have never enjoyed repeating myself.)
is there no shortcut, no keybinding to skip the hello-hi-hey-what’s-up, how-was-your-weekend, what-classes-are-you-taking?
the stories speak of instant connection, of love at first sight, of fate. i have never believed them.

4/8/26

concurrency

aaaahhhhh the numbers don’t match up
world comes before hello
the workers are all order of out
somehow i need to wrangle them into neat, consistent results
while still exploiting parallelism
but i have never been a strong master

Spoiler

yes, i am working on my distributed systems hw XP it’s interesting, but not as fun when you’re under a time crunch ahaha

edit: never mind haha, i just had to clean up some old files and it worked perfectly XD much less stressed now =P

4/9/26

traducción

estoy aquí, amurallada. yo
regreso otra vez al radio.
escucho voces de ayer y hoy–
confieso que no sé adónde voy.

i reach, i grasp for words to carry me
beyond the sound that blares from your tv.
your new predictions have no worth today.
i will be free; to speak, i’ll find a way.

Spoiler

an attempt at iambic pentameter in two languages xD also note the yo/me, radio/tv, hoy/today, and voy/way pairs.

translation of the spanish:

i am here, walled. i
return once again to the radio.
i listen to voices of yesterday and today–
i confess that i do not know where i’m going.

attempt at translation with keeping the iambic pentameter and rhyme scheme:

i’m here, inside these gentle walls. and so
return again to endless radio.
i listen. voices past and present. i
confess i don’t know where i’m going. (sigh)

4/10/26

ough

by vale, by stream, by blistered bough
there is a being with a muffled cough.
it knows nothing. it is not tough.
yet it has been around. it has been through
the rise and demise of kingdoms, though
its grasp on time has never been thorough.

Spoiler

again inspired by my linguistics textbook!
bough/cough/tough/through/though/thorough

4/11/26

unl(one)ly

it is like gazing up at the sky after years face-down in the dirt.
it is like layers of dirt sloughing off a whistle that will once again sing.
it is like singing in the rain, like screaming with the storm, unhurt.
it is you and me (but mostly me) when we are free(zing).

i do not know if i ever truly let my heart melt. after all, it is an essential organ
pumping blood throughout my system, and thus to have it melt would be disastrous.
(yes, sometimes i am intentionally oblivious.) //// you were the one closest to me,
but that was still at an arm's-length distance. \\ i have always been terrified
of losing co/n\t/r\o/l\.//\\///\\\
i hope i
left
you better than
i found
you.

i imagine you with someone else, and
i hope she and you are perfect for each other, because
then i would not feel as guilty
for needing you less than you needed me for being happier after the end of us for loving myself more than you

you
know, i thought i still valued our friendship. but unreciprocated feelings sublimate.
you
missed my birthday. i reached out once, but you didn't meet me halfway. i guess
you
don't want to stay friends, after all. or am i overthinking? funny how i think about
you
< less < and < less <

me, myself, and i know this.
yesterday and today, i summoned the energy to become the
extroverted version of myself that surfaces once or twice a year.
i smiled and talked with strangers. i was vibrant / vivid / vivacious?
(the femininity of "vivacious" rankles. i do not like being a woman,
but that is a topic for another poem.)
i think i am not power-hungry, but rather power-satiated.
being co-president is like having swallowed a miniature sun
that wishes for its light to be released. and so i pour out
words of welcome and work weekly to oil the wheels of this club
and to build a track for it to rise to ever-greater heights.
on a good day, you might even say
i or a version of me in a neighboring universe is
power-full.
i was/am/will be the me the younger me wished to be.

i am on my own,
and i am unlonely.

4/12/26

gl

we glimpse the gleam of sunbeams
glazing the blades of grass in this glade.
our glances glide off the glimmer of dew
glistening on the broad, glossy green leaves.
there is the glare of light from a broken mirror.
the shards glint, the powder glitters.

Spoiler

what can i say, my linguistics textbook is simply so inspirational… on page 4:
"glare, glint, gleam, glitter, glossy, glaze, glance, glimmer, glimpse, glisten"

also if you're re-reading this, no, you are not hallucinating. i changed the word "slide" on line three to "glide" on 4/14 =P

4/13/26

banana rhythms

banana.
bana. banana. bana. bananana.
nanana nanaba nanana (na)
na! (na) na! (na)
ba. ba-ba-ba. ba… na! ba… na?
ba (ba Ba BA)
nananananananananananananananana
ba
NA
(na)

Spoiler

credit to @JazzicusMaximus for the phrase "banana rhythms" =P

4/14/26

miniscule talk

to be human; to be hue man; to be who, man?
bro, tbh, idk who i am.
(bsides, y do u care?)
hablamos sin decir nada. / we talk without saying nothing.
like, girl, it was like, yknow what i mean, like-
kind of approximately about somewhat i think i believe maybe sorta
(these hedges haven't been trimmed in decades)
swords swords swords i am drowning in words words words
spear me, spare me, peer through the pair of drapes
wrapped around every storming conversation.
or don't.