I Am Totally a Real-Life Wizard (Not Clickbait, I Swear!)

Vendetta smirked. Well, they tried to smirk but their face wasn’t quite built for evil expressions. “Security tapes, Jumbo.”

Dusk glowed a menacingly dark purple. “You were at a book-signing in Houston. And the author specialized in love potions.”

The crowd gasped.

Joe spluttered. "S-security tapes? Who trusts security tapes?!"

Valeri just looked at him pityingly. "Now then, let's clear things up for our audience. It wasn't Cody who bewitched Khalil. It was you."

Khalil nodded at that. “I tried to meet with you to get you to leave Cody alone and you turned me into a cloak and kidnapped me!”

Vendetta nodded profusely. “Yeah! And who knows what you did to poor cloak Khalil?”

Joe staggered backwards. "Well, it was clear that Khalil always loved me more than Cody, so I was just rescuing xem--"

“I didn’t! I don’t! I didn’t love you at all when we were kids. I don’t love you now.” Khalil shook xer head. “I married Cody because I love them. I always have.”

Cody looked a little lovesick. “Love you too.”

Joe clutched his chest. "N-never. That isn't true. It can't be." His face darkened. "You love me, Khalil. You always have. Now just let me get this meddler out of the way!" The wannabe wizard lunged at Cody.

But before he could reach them, Valeri stepped in the way, quickly growing larger and gaining fur. "Nope, not happening," squeaked giant-hamster-Valeri.

Joe collapsed to the ground. “No! Not a large furry beast!” He trembled before Valeri, holding up his hands. “Villains!”

Khalil stepped forward, looking very proud. “This so called great wizard has a fear of all things large and furry. Do you want to know why?”

The crowed cheered in affirmation.

"Please! No," Joe gasped.

The crowd cheered louder.

"Well, that's because of his affinity." Khalil paused for dramatic effect.

Vendetta hummed. “Valeri! Do you want to show us what Joe’s affinity is?”

Dawn glowed a bright butter yellow. “Evil laugh!”

“Gladly, dear sibling.” Hamster-Valeri bent down towards Joe and bared her teeth. “Boo.”

With a shriek and a flurry of sparkles, Joe transformed into a carrot.

Spoiler

That is an excellent out-of-context quote.

Cody gently bent down and scooped up Carrot Joe into their hands. “Behold. Joe!”

Spoiler

so right xD

The crowd gasped in unison, then immediately broke out into chatter.

"No way."

"The 'great' wizard Joe's affinity is turning into a carrot? Bahaha!"

Joe the Carrot writhed in Cody’s hands. “No! No it is not! The evil Malacoda had cast an evil dark spell to curse me into this form.”

Vendetta rolled out their shoulders. “Valeri, do you think it’s my turn?”

“I think it is, Vendetta.” Valeri grinned at carrot-Joe. The audience was going wild, and news reporters jostled for the best views.

Vendetta nodded and gave Joe the biggest puppy eyes. “Joe, tell us the truth about what happened that fateful Monday.”