Make Up The Worst Possible Opening Line Ever

so then i told him no way ill ever g out with a jerk like...and besides im a chick thankyou very much.

This was from a departmental type school exam:

"I opened my eyes and suddenly realized I had time traveled to..."
We had to write a story with this opening line. How can you possibly wake up and suddenly realized that you time traveled? It was just awful overall.

They slowly raced across the intersection, knowing that any sign of exuberant speed would get them disqualified from the race.

That's my try, I'll see if it can get any worse.
Lots of these bad openings are quite funny. The funny ones that are horrible in a good way would really grip me into a story. Man, I never thought of putting 'Person creeping' in my characters thoughts when writing a comedy.
Ah, the wonders of ridiculously horrible stories that end up being really funny.

- There was wind in the air. And I was sad.
- Mark thought that I was stupid, but didn't say it.

My life sucks.

Dude, I need you to listen to me.

It's not very creative- but you'll have to agree it's a pretty bad opening line
'sup?

Once upon a time on a dark and stormy night, deep in the ever-so-scary woods, a dark wizard was conjuring spells and creating an evil plan.

Mine:

Baaaaasically, I know you're reading the first page to see if you like the book. I'll be awesome like I am and tell you that Fred dies, Mike gets kidnapped, Mom gets shot, I end up with the hot dude and everyone else lives happily ever after.

I just saved you 10 quid, mate.

I didn't make this up. Please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks this is funny.

"Lydia skipped along the bright and crowded and busy hallways of her high school where all the girls glared at her hair and beautiful skin that reflected silver and gold in the sun shining through the windows. She knew really hard in that it was her true time to reveal the lifetime secret she had been keeping her entire atrocious life from everyone she ever knew in this in cold and busy dark world. As she walked into her homeroom class she sat in her usual spot next to one of her gorgeous guy friend with blonde hair who has liked her since they first met."

Ah, I've found my happy place! Writing quite badly is the one thing I can do quite well. Here's mine:


The tall man sat down quickly, crossing his legs neatly and trying to look casual as the pretty middle-aged waitress approached with a heaping plate of steaming and delicious-smelling fresh whole-wheat pancakes balanced on one hand and a cup of steaming coffee in the other. "Can I get you anything else?" She said cheerfully.

John Venezuela, a stolid man with bulky muscles and nose the size of a small chimney, liked nothing more than to stand in front of house windows with his nose pressed up the glass, staring at the inhabitants with his eyes very slightly crossed eyes and wondering just how nice the earwax inside of their ears would taste - he remembered fondly the time he had thought, for a moment, that it tasted just like gnocci - and wondering what kind of sound they would emit if he were to sit on their chests until all the air inside of them was forced to escape in a fragrant cloud like vapour from an air freshner; sometimes they groaned, other times they moaned, but he felt very sure that Dolly Henkinson's final noise would be a very distinct "Aknee" almost as if she was talking about teenage pimples; what's more, he felt very sure that the sound would be like music to his ears, making his heart beat unsteadily and the world swim in front of his eyes as he collapsed in a faint swoon.

Lol! Some of these were SO funny! I would actually keep reading a lot of stories that started with these - assuming they were comedies. If the authors meant them seriously it would instead be rather painful to read...

Here's the opening to a story my best friend and I were writing (meant to be bad, it's a parody of everything!):

"Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land far, far away, it was a dark and stormy night. (Actually, it was a bright and sunny morning, seventy-five degrees Fahrenheit, with a slight breeze from the southeast.)"

Hahahah, I actually couldn't stop laughing about the Andre one.. and most of the others afterwards made me laugh as well.

I honestly can't think of anything much worse after reading those..?
But how about..

Johnny was a fair young lad who worked at the shipyard from dusk till dawn, as most boys is his family did. The only problem was that Johnny wasn't actually a boy; he was a pigeon, and no one had realized.

Every ten seconds, the main character will stop to reflect on the inevitablility of death and despair, which is not only a waste of your time, but the author's writing talents. So, wanna go stuff it where the sun doesn't shine and pick another book?

(That would be mine.)