Make Up The Worst Possible Opening Line Ever

One sunny day, Joe's body flatulated a trace amount of odious gases. These odious gases are where our story starts.

The worst possible opening line I can think of is "Once upon a time ..." but I'm pretty sure someone else would've posted it before me.

Hola--that's Spanish for Hello.

Hello, my name is Princess Elisabeth Estelle Dorothea Danielle de Covemar, and when I was very young, my Father, King Kieran Maurice Lukas Theodore de Lyszio, was cursed by the villainous witch, Narcissa de Blackheart, and was turned into a poor woodcutter. We now live in the woods of Vertmor, and although no one knows we are royalty, I am positive that some gallant prince will come rescue me.

That was a very, very good one
"I am Nell, a twelve year old girl from [insert small, Twilight referenced, town name] - people like to think I'm normal, but boy are they wrong - I'm actually a secret super model."
Sadly, I actually stumbled upon something like this. Shudder.

Statistically speaking, someone dies every three seconds. Will the next one be you? Are you alone in your house? Are you SURE?
With that in mind, let us begin our story.

A personal favourite from a friend of mine, "Steve's just this guy, you know? Except that everyone is trying to kill him."

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The gooey liquid present on the crumpled tissue paper did not taste like apple jam the way Bertha said it would.

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When no one else is around, I pretend that I am Paris Hilton and I pose sexily in my underwear for my teddy bears to see.

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And I have to share some of the worst fan fiction in the world:

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”

- - -

The actual beginning of that story?

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

Interested in read more of the horrors of My Immortal? Be my guest.

It was the pig that did it, but he couldn't have succeeded with out the ice cream double-fudge-apple-crisp peach-pit cherry-tomato pepperoni-pizza rotting-wood hard-tack beef-jerky pie.

You won't believe what I'm about to say...
... but the aliens ARE here!
... but I'm a superhero.
... but you're all in danger!
... but the earth is dying.
And of course)
... but you have to, because we're all in danger!

Anything that starts with You won't believe generally turns my eyes away. We love novels because we want to believe in something we haven't seen (Like the fact that I can be a demigod). Telling us what we can and can't do is author intrusion. It's even worse than telling instead of showing. It's just another way for the MAN to... *Never mind, I'm off track.)

Alright, first let me say this thread is awesome! and niteowl has my favorites that I've seen (read the first two pages haha)
Now for mine.

Everyone hold up... I need a pencil... (The author of this horrid and boring novel of which you are about to read has got up to get a pencil. Please bare with us as he will be back soon... hopefully...) ...... (Unfortunately the author of this crappy novel we all know your loving, had to stop by the bathroom, this delay will be longer than we originally thunk.) ....... Alrighty, where were we? Oh yes, I found a pencil! Now I have one question, did you really make it to this line?

Oh yeah

Everything was perfect....and then I woke up.

mi name iz amy jones, + mi lif woz commpletly nromal, ontil, v day i went 2 the dizco.

*Hides in corner.*

This would send me running for the hills.

*Whimpers*

*Note, this would be a opening line for someone who's writing in a journal.

"My teacher says write, so I write, alot, alot more than Allen, the jerk, she also tells me I'm an excellent writer, which is why I'm writing, I really like to write, I hope you do too, because it's really fun, like, really really fun, and I could keep writing all day and night, I think you want me to too, I'm right, I know, no need to tell me, so I'm just going to keep writing, because I just love to write so much, did I mention I like to write, and write, and write, and something else my teacher says, that I'm the best person with the best grammar in her class, that makes me feel good, because the worst thing in English is seeing writing with bad grammar, especially if it's a run on sentance, you know, the ones that just go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, you know what I mean?"

Yepp, that was my attempt. Hey, that was actually kind of funn!

-iheartbooks♥

I thought of another one.

My name is Amy Johnson, and I'm the nicest person in my class. I'm also the most beautiful, I mean, seriously, I'm gorgeus. Not only that, but I'm really smart, like a genius, and I'm so modest!

My name is Britney Courtney Angel and I have a secret: I'm a half-vampire half-angel, and I'm the only hope in the war between the vampires (one of which is my super-hot boyfriend) and the werewolves because I have superpowers which mean I'm invincible and the war was going fine until my best friend Ashley found out and told everybody in school and then I wasn't popular.