rawrafied

Here are some corrections/suggestions: I’m tellin’ you, man! Your eyes just went pure black! I think you even floated a little! Then BAM! In two seconds you made this… black ...

Here are some suggestions/corrections: Jane frowned her way taking slow steps toward Charles’ Bakery with the intent to make herself known. This is very vague. Would suggest changing 'her' to ...

Oh, Historical Fiction. Right up my alley. :D Thank you again for the suggestion. I''m gonna go sentence by sentence and pick out anything that catches my eye, okay? :D ...

I actually completed this story during a bout of procrastination in class in which I possessed my trusted ipod and wifi. xD Was a nice read that made me feel ...

Awesome, my first first chapter all day. Thank you for suggesting this piece.

You have some good descriptions here, such as: ...the knotted strings holding my baggy pants in place. Also, you have some nice vocab choices here, such as annexed and audaciously. ...

Once the ropes are cut free, I stand and stretch out my cramping muscles. I am aching with fatigue and stress. Nice starting two sentences. The both peak interest but ...

Within just the first few sentences, you've done a great job of getting the character's voice to be reflect appropriately for first person dialogue. Here are some corrections/suggestions: I realize ...

On account of review day, I've neglected to read your previous chapters. Should I address anything that may be accounted for in previous chapters, feel free to disregard such address. ...

Since it is review day, I've regretfully neglected to read you previous chapter. Anything I express concern for, which has been addressed in previous chapters, may be disregarded as you ...

Since this is review day, I've regretfully chosen to neglect your previous chapters. So, if anything I say is addressed in a previous chapter, feel free to disregard it. ^_^ ...

skimpy sun dresses...tie-dyed tees The first part was nice because it told us about your character. The second part was good because it gave us an idea of the time ...

...salt-and-pepper hair... Nice description! I personally found the whole shrink thing quite unnecessary; I've already dealt with my demons. Nice use of semi-colon. it's not a regular occurrence that

Some suggestions/corrections: "Mom, for the millionth time I do not want to go" I shouted. Comma after go. However, if you punctuate with an exclamation mark, you can just remove ...

I like the starter sentence, but I'm not sure how I feel about you capitalizing 'sound'. This is a fantasy novel, so I'm not sure if you're referring to an ...