Chapter 1
The Beginning
"Mom, for the millionth time I do not want to go," I shouted. It was wrong of me to do so, very wrong but at times like this, shouting is necessary. Sometimes parents just refuse to listen to us. My mother was leaving me at, well… someone’s house whom I had never met. Actually, I did meet them ,but I was two years old that time, how can that count? Exactly.
Okay so maybe her having a problem with me staying alone is acceptable but leaving me at a stranger’s house? Have all the hotels
or PG’s burned? Or is it that Mother thinks I can’t handle myself? It is annoying enough to stay at my own house, how could I ever bear shifting then? Just because mother has to go to Paris for settling some company issues! Hate it.
I think I forgot to introduce myself, my name’s Suzan. Suzan Alexandra and no matter how unimportant this information is but I don’t have a last name. I am going to be 17 in two months. I have no siblings at present, though I used to have a brother. He died in a car crash last year and since then it’s been rough on me. I wasn't the only one who has been going through a hard time though. Ever since my brother died, my mother has become someone completely different. And sometimes, I am the one suffering because of it.
I believe that everything that happens to us has a reason and is for our own good. Sometimes it’s hard to actually believe this when disheartening things happen with us, in my case my brother’s death, but it’s true. It’s just that as humans we are sensitive and emotional so, many times we prefer to think the opposite. Any way the point, the point is that this story that I am telling you is about how everything actually happens for a reason. It’s nothing out of the ordinary really but it’s something worth sharing. This is my story.
“You will love the family honey, I am sure” Mom said. She was trying to use the sweetest tone possible. This was her first trick, the motherly affection… “It’s just for a month or two. You know how after your brother…” And here comes her second trick, Emotional blackmail. I honestly admire this quality of her's. Not everyone is able to pursue people in doing what they want them too, but when it comes to my mother; it’s like a child’s play for her. “… And then your father, you know how he…”
“Okay Mom, I will go to their house, stay and behave well. Anything else you want me to do?” I asked in an annoyed tone. She just smiled and kissed my forehead and mouthed ‘No. I will go get ready, you do that too’. Then she got up from the couch and ran upstairs.
I got up too and grabbed a packet of chocolate chip cookies from the kitchen cabinet, the only thing that can calm my annoyed self down. I went upstairs to my room and sat in my balcony. I didn't need to get ready. The only makeup I ever applied was a toner and some lip gloss. For dressing it was always T shirts and jeans, sometimes shorts, jackets, anything but dresses. I despise dresses. And when it came to shoes, I would rather wear my sneakers. Not that I didn't like high heels or something, I just ddin’t prefer to wear them usually.
I started packing my stuff as soon as my cookies were over. It wasn't hard, I had my clothes and all my things organized. As soon as I was done with my packing I gave my suitcases to my butler. Mother took a few more minutes to get down and then we drove off.
The compound where their house was, was pretty far from our house. It was a posh and a nice place for environment friendly people, too green for me though. There were trees near every house and the gardens were beautiful. A park was located not too far away from the entrance and the sidewalks were made of beautifully designed tiles.
We stopped in front of a white gate and when I stepped out of the car, the breeze made me realize how I had forgotten to wear a jacket and how big of a mistake it was. It was cold, not unusual since winter was approaching and we lived near a hill station. Mother had the brightest smile on her face when the Stephenson’s opened the gate. She almost went running towards the young woman who had welcomed us in and hugged her.
As I entered the house I was led to the drawing room along with my mother, by the same person who had welcomed us in. Their family was pretty cute. I came to know how Mr. Paul Stephenson was my Mother’s best friend and how he and his wife, Mrs. Angel Stephenson knew my mother since childhood. Mr. and Mrs. Stephenson were both very amusing and funny. Angel looked really young compared to her age and Paul looked like the typical couch husband, no offense. Both had grayish eyes and a good dressing sense.
The little girl who kept staring at me the whole time was barely 4 years old and her name was Daphne, oh and she was their daughter, if you weren't able to guess that. She wore a pink dress with her hair pinned up perfectly. Her eyes were Green and the glow in them was just remarkable. She was holding a chocolate bar in her hand and as soon as I smiled at her, she ran out of the room, hugging her chocolate bar while doing so. It had made me chuckle, for which I had got weird looks from my mother.
After all the formalities mom left and Angel showed me my new room. It was quite good, very colorful. There was a nice big balcony attached to it and had 4-5 bright yellow open Almira's organized with books and novels. The bed was a queen sized blue bed (Oh I am glad it wasn’t pink) with many cushions and pillows, just my style. Also, there were beautiful blue net curtains with light blue embroidery. There was a study table in the right corner of the room, bright green in color and the dressing table matched my bed. The paint on the walls was white with colorful patterns printed all over it.
"Whose room was this before?" I asked out of curiosity. Such a well designed all girl’s room couldn’t possibly be the guest room, I thought to myself.
"No one’s, this was the spare room is our house which I had no idea what to do with, so when I came to know you were moving in, I called my designer and Ta-Da” she said cheerfully. I could see the glow in her eyes. She was happy to have me in her house and I was happier to meet someone so kind hearted. “So, do you like it?”
“Yes” I said to her “Thank You for everything”
“You're most welcome dear. Anyways, freshen up and come down in 10 minutes. I have made lasagna for dinner today” and after giving me another one of her warm smiles she left the room.
I changed into a brown net sleeved shirt and black skinny jeans. Put some light gloss on my lips, then put my hair into a tight pony tail, wore a thin matching scarf around my neck and headed downstairs. I was really hungry by the time dinner was set. Mom text-ed me saying that she had reached the airport and would be leaving soon. Without checking any other messages, I kept my mobile on the table since everyone had settled down and was ready to eat.
“So where’s our brat?” Paul said looking at Angel who was giving the ‘Don’t-call-him-that’ look.
“I’m home” A voice called out from behind me. I didn't bother to turn back. The lasagna was delicious and I was too hungry to be curious about anything, though I did admire the perfect timing “Couch made us do extra practice today.” The voice continued.
“That darn couch, he treats you children like some robots, if you want I can complain to…” Angel started but was interrupted by Paul “He isn't a child Ann, he can handle it”
“You guys didn't tell me we were having a guest” The voice said, my lasagna wasn't still over and I kept on eating ignoring the conversation the family was having. Such delicious lasagna, Ummm…
“Sorry honey, this is Suzan, she’s staying with us for a while and Suzen that is our son Frank…” Frank… Frank… Now where have I heard this name before…
And the next thing I knew I was choking on my food. I turned to look at the person who was standing behind me. Frank Stephenson. Of course, I should have guessed. The last person I had ever wanted to see in my whole life was standing right in front of me, can my life get any worse?
It was like I had got a minor heart attack. Like thunder had struck right above my head and I am sure he felt the same way at that time, as he stared at me with his eye balls almost popping out…
"You have got to be kidding me" we both said together.
----
Questions:
Am I rushing? If I am then how do I not do it? I really tried not to rush in this chapter but well... I don't know. Also negative reviews are as welcomed as the positive ones are. It helps to improve :)) Please tell me if I have gone wrong anywhere or if there's something I need to improve. Love you all :))
End of chapter
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139,315 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Your writing style is impeccable. You right in first person very well. Ive noticed that a lot of people will attempt to write in first person, but they overdo it, if that makes sense. You have great control in your story. By that I mean that you can go anywhere in your story and still manage to write well and not get to sloppy. I'm also writing a book and you have definitely taught me a great deal in writing. Like I said, your writing is very structure and not all over the place. You also give a good description, but you don't go over board. Keep up the good work. Ill definitely be reading more.
Your writing style is impeccable. You right in first person very well. Ive noticed that a lot of people will attempt to write in first person, but they overdo it, if that makes sense. You have great control in your story. By that I mean that you can go anywhere in your story and still manage to write well and not get to sloppy. I'm also writing a book and you have definitely taught me a great deal in writing. Like I said, your writing is very structure and not all over the place. You also give a good description, but you don't go over board. Keep up the good work. Ill definitely be reading more.
Let's talk about the plot first. Of course this plot has been used hundreds of times before, but if you can manage to add in your own twists and turns, it definitely will not be cliche and will turn into an original work of art. So try your best to steer away from the cliches with this plot to make it interesting.
When I had first started reading, I thought it was pretty good so far. Then all of a sudden, you did one of the worst things that you should never do--you introduced your character by telling us their name, age, and a bit about their background information. Never do that. If I weren't here to give a review, I probably would have steered away from this. Most writers call that "amateur writing". I used to do that myself of course, but I eventually learned that is definitely not the way to write your story.
So I would suggest and take that part out and somehow tell all of that information somehow without directly telling us by saying, "Hello! My name is so-and-so. I am so-and-so years old. I was born in--" You get it. Do not do that, I repeat, do not.
You had grammatical errors as well. One I can recall is "coach". But instead of actually spelling coach, you spelled "couch" (as in a living room and sofa couch) and that irked me to no end, no offense. You only used that word twice in this chapter, so I'm sure it would take only a minute to fix it up to the correct word.
The use of "I" at the beginning of every sentence can get quite annoying as well. Try mixing up your sentences and be creative.
Instead of constantly saying: I went to the mall. I entered a store. I picked up a shirt and examined it. I sighed and shrugged, debating if I should get it or not. I decided not to and put it back on the rack.
See how annoying and boring that is?
How about: Since I needed a new outfit, I was going to the mall today. When I entered, I went to my favorite store Rue 21. Right away, a fabulous shirt caught my eye and I ran up to it, touching the silky fabric. I sighed when I noticed the price on the tag. Dejectedly, I put the shirt back on the rack and searched around for something cheaper.
Your dialogue isn't being written correctly either. You need to add punctuation.
For example (correct way): "Hello," he greeted in a monotonous voice.
NOT: "Hello" he greeted...
Again for dialogue, don't just start with dialogue every time. Make sure to add some more action and detail before.
Another example: Her eyes widened as she gasped loudly. "What?" she shrieked, jumping up and down.
I rolled my eyes and set my hands on her shoulders to make her stay still. "Yes, he asked me out," I sighed, biting the inside of my cheek.
Her crystal blue eyes roamed my face as she gaped at me. "You said no, didn't you?"
Compared to: "What?" she shrieked.
"Yes, he asked me out," I sighed.
"You said no, didn't you?"
See the difference?
When you only have dialogue, not only is it annoying to see the repetition of that, but you can't really understand the emotions of the characters.
Speaking about characters, so far I do not have a clear idea of their personalities. But I'm sure it improves in the next chapter.
I hope this helped you, and I apologize in advance if this was harsh. I just want to help you improve and that meant pointing out the mistakes. Don't think that just because I pointed out all these errors, I hated your story, because I don't.
This definitely has potential. If you just took your time and edited this even more, it would definitely become a lot better. Good luck with the rest of your story.
Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.
You know what that means, time to review!
Nitpicks first...
- Okay one problem here, the word her's does not need that apostrophe and therefore It shouldn't be there.
Like so;
- One mistake here as well, you misspelled didn't, let me correct it for you.
- There is no reason to put a dash between text and ed. It makes it sound like two words and I'd suggest fixing that.
- After you say Suzan's name the first time, you misspell it the second time.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this first chapter. It thoroughly entertained me and I can't wait to read the next.
I felt the character's emotions, and in a way she's just like me. Same sense of style and personality, I really like your main character.
You did a brilliant job, I especially liked this paragraph.
It tells a lot about the character, and gives us as readers an insight on what she's like. I can relate to this paragraph the most because, that's mostly how I dress just without any makeup at all.
I'm excited to find out how she knows Frank.
Great work and keep writing!
Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of Team Aqua!
clubs/1983 - Team Aqua Headquarters
You write so well. No, it was smooth. I didn't find the rush in this. GREAT! You are really creative.
Keep writing.
I really liked the last part
"“You guys didn't tell me we were having a guest” The voice said, my lasagna wasn't still over and I kept on eating ignoring the conversation the family was having. Such delicious lasagna, Ummm…
“Sorry honey, this is Suzan, she’s staying with us for a while and Suzen that is our son Frank…” Frank… Frank… Now where have I heard this name before…
And the next thing I knew I was choking on my food. I turned to look at the person who was standing behind me. Frank Stephenson. Of course, I should have guessed. The last person I had ever wanted to see in my whole life was standing right in front of me, can my life get any worse?
It was like I had got a minor heart attack. Like thunder had struck right above my head and I am sure he felt the same way at that time, as he stared at me with his eye balls almost popping out…
"You have got to be kidding me" we both said together.
----"
Now the thing starts! YAY
This seems a little to teeny bopper for me, but I am sure the young ones will appreciate and relate. Very good writing, keep it up. Minor errors here and there but there is always room for improvement.
This is very nice so far!
Okay, to answer your question, you weren't rushing that much. Maybe just a little, but not that much.
A thing I noticed is when you write dialogue, be sure to put some sort of punctuation before the last quotation marks.
Example:
"Mom, I'm going out now!" <--- The exclamation point, in this case, is the punctuation.
Also, when you were describing your character (Suzan) at the very beginning, it kind of bugged me, because you should introduce her later, and describe her looks later, too.
It just makes it sound like the usual, "Hi, I'm Elaine Post and I am 16 years old blah blah blah."
A good thing I liked was your lengthy chapters. Tey were very long and interesting, and let's the reader have time to actually read something, not just five sentences.
Overall, fantastic job! Keep it up!
Thanks the review was really helpful
)
Thanks the review was really helpful
)
No problem !!
I love this story. It's really interesting!
Aww thanks AMxo
) I am really glad you do!
Some suggestions/corrections:
Comma after go. However, if you punctuate with an exclamation mark, you can just remove 'I shouted'. Your choice. :3Tense change. You've established the story in past tense, so keep in that at all time (excluding dialogue, of course).
Here's a sentence where you could've incorporated a comma. Place it after 'at'. I nice starting basis of where to put commas are places where you take a break/breath without completing the phrase.
'But is being used as a conjunction here; place a comma before it. Also, split the sentences where that last comma is. Those are two separate ideas.
This last part makes no sense.
This is not a question. Alter punctuation.
Ohhh...I guess this is a style choice, but this is such a turn off for me. This screams 'anime/shoujo intro' I'm a fan of mangas/animes, but even in those, this is a turn off for me. I would suggest using dialogue to extract this information from here over time. Or inner monologue at a time at the opportune moment.
Make 'times' singular. Also, this is another sentence where commas could help.
'Any way' is one word on this usage. Also, 'the point' is repeated here.
Remover the comma and use a colon and lower case 'emotional'. Also, this would've been a better place to tell us about the brother situation.
This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. semi-colons are only used to replace a period between small sentences.
Split this because what the mother is doing is quoted and you start a new paragraph when someone else speaks.
Hyphenate 'T shirts'.
'Packing' is repetitive. Removed 'with my packing' in second sentence, since we can figure out what she down with from the context.
Remove the second 'a'.
I thought she didn't know them that well?
For someone who doesn't want to be left at this house, you could expand on the separation more
Should be 'queen-sixed, blue bed' and lowercase 'oh'. You need to use commas for more than one adjective.
Change 'is' to 'of'.
Hyphen unnecessary.
Lowercase 'don't'.
Period after 'Paul' and start a new paragraph for the second quote because it's someone else talking.
Additional notes
I thought the pace was okay for the most part. You seem to have a good foundation for your writing tone, style, and humor.
Liked these. Brought in the human element.
Amusing emotional description. :3
Thanks
) I will correct all my mistakes now 
)
First of all, you were rushing. There are tonnes of grammatical errors that you could have avoided. And that, is pretty natural. Proofreading is a draaaggg, believe me. But, its awfully necessary and you should do it at least thrice if you want your beautiful work to be appreciated.
Anyway, the errors i've noted here mostly lie in the punctuation sector. Mostly omitted commas. As minor as that seems, it really affects a lot of stuff including the flow of your narration and is like the greatest aspect of writing.
There was also a lot of tense agreement issues that you need to revise.
That being said, and out of my inability to contain this anymore, let me say... I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THE IMAGINATIVE STYLE HERE!
It gave me the 'Easy A' feeling, the sort of monologue that makes you picture the sound of someone telling their story with the events unfolding in the screen's background. It was wonderful.
I loved the suspense too. The introduction to the piece was like a detonator for the suspense bomb. I had so many questions about who i the protagonist was going to stay with.
The emotion in the story was really genuine too. I saw the teenager's mind clearly depicted in the usually controversial opinions about parents. Sometimes great, other times, not so great.
The ending, wow, simply ingenious. I dont know who the hell Frank is and that bugs me. I have to know why he's the last person she'd want to see and that is the whole point. Entertain and tantalise your readers.
That being said, i think the main issue with your tenses was the different narration techniques: merging the descriptive monologue with first person narration. You should research more on the interaction between those two. But for me, I think you should put the monologue in a seperate paragraph just to avoid confusion in the tenses. Like this:
"Mom, for the millionth time I do not want to go" I shouted even though I knew that It was wrong of me to do so.
Very wrong, but at times like these, shouting is necessary. Sometimes parents just refuse to listen to us. My mother was leaving me at well… someone’s house whom I had never met. Actually, I did meet them but I was two years old that time, how can that count? Exactly.
Thank You so much
I will look into everything there is to.