what doesn't kill you

Part 1

"And how do you feel about that?" Dr. Morton, a middle aged man with salt-and-pepper hair asked me from his couch in the big black and white office, there were floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked downtown Manhattan and on the opposite wall there were bookshelves overflowing with many kinds of books in different covers. I lied on a black sofa, my head turned impatiently toward the door. It has been exactly three months two weeks and four days since my control-freak mother and workaholic father made me go to therapy. I personally found the whole shrink thing quite unnecessary; I've already dealt with my demons. "Like you've asked me the same question a million times and I'm sick and tired from this whole thing", I snapped. "What's there to talk about? I told you about school, my friends, how I deal with my everyday life, so for God's sake what do you want me to tell you?" Dr. Morton watched me from across the room and scribbled in his notebook, after what felt like hours of silence he finally spoke "it's not a regular occurrence that one of your peers is killed in front of your eyes. You have to cooperate here with me so we can get to the bottom of tour feelings, your mother says you feel guilty she died and you were unharmed." I eyed him suspiciously and asked in a low voice "did my mother read my diary? How could she?! Can't I have a personal life of my own?" I started to shout. I looked at the clock, although the session was over in fifteen minutes, I stormed out of there and went straight to my Mazda. I faintly heard from behind me someone calling my name; I ignored whoever it was because I couldn't get away from that office fast enough.

Somehow all the stoplights were in my favor today and the drive home took only twenty minutes. I parked my car in my spot, right between the BMW and the Lexus my parents drove. It was one of those rare days- rare as in when pigs fly- that both my parents were home before six pm. I heard my father shouting into his phone the second I stepped through the threshold. I walked in and found my mother in her study, sitting in front of her desk by the computer, she looked at me and then at the clock on the opposite wall saying "Jenna, aren't you supposed to be in your session now?" I narrowed my eyes and hissed at her "how dare you read my diary and go talk to anybody about it?" At first she was shocked and after a few seconds shot back "I was worried sick about you. I know you still have nightmares about that night, I only did what I thought was best for you." She said- a bit defensive for my liking- before she continued "and don't you dare to ever raise your voice at me ever again, I am your mother not one of your friends." I rolled my eyes before I ran to my bedroom; on my way there I saw the piano in the living room. It was a white wing piano, it stood on the pedestal, on the other side of the room were the cream colored sofas and couches. In front of them was the brick fireplace and above it there was the television. The walls were beige with black and white pictures of flowers and famous structures around the world, like the coliseum in Rome. It was pure instinct- completely natural - for me to walk toward it and play, the only thing that actually could calm me in whatever state of mind I was. I started playing since I was three years old, and now at the age of seventeen, I played at concerts, competitions and even a few times with the New-York orchestra. I didn't even finish high school yet, and I already had a scholarship to Juilliard. I played and played for what seemed like days, maybe weeks, before I saw it was already quarter past eleven and a school night. Running the stairs two at a time I jumped into the shower and quickly got ready for bed, after lying in my queen sized red bed I looked around my bedroom, the white walls with the giant pictures of flowers, the white desk on the opposite wall with my homework on it, the vase on the nightstand had roses in it, hugging my pillow to my chest I finally nodded off.

The same dream came again. My best friend, Lola and I walked together after watching the late night screening of some bad horror movie. The streets were almost empty, except for the people coming out of the theater, drunken men singing out loud in Spanish and a few cars that drove by. The streets were illuminated by the golden glow of the street lamps and the buzzing neon signs of various bars and shops. We walked laughing about the horrible effects in the movie, and gushing on how hot was the main actor in it. After a few blocks we heard footsteps behind us, at first we didn't pay any attention to them. But half a block later I glanced back and saw a man walking ten feet behind us. "Let's go faster, that guy behind us is creeping me out" I whispered urgently. Lola also looked back and said in a low tone "stop being so paranoid, he is harmless. Don't worry." Lola was the adventurous one; she had raven black hair with red streaks in it, a nose ring and a tattoo of a lotus flower on her lower back. We were completely different, I was blond with grey eyes and didn't even had my ears pierced because I was deadly scared by needles. Although we were complete opposites we have been friends for eight years, ever since I moved from Miami to New-York. So we continued to walk in the gloomy street, and the footsteps became louder. Even Lola was beginning to walk faster and faster. At some point we were both sprinting like maniacs for about three blocks. Until we ran in an alley to hide and just as we caught our breath the man appeared in front of us with a gun in his hand, and then he rasped out "give me your money and cell phones right now and I'll leave you two alone." With shaking hands I started to take my bag off my shoulder, but Lola stopped me "don't you dare to threat me and my friend, because I will ca…" Lola didn't even get to finish the sentence before he shot her, straight in the head, I screamed and fell to my knees, scared to death with hot tears prickling down my cheeks. The man pointed the gun at me, and was about to pull the trigger, but the police sirens were coming close. The man cursed under his breath and ran from the alley as fast as he could. The police came but Lola was already dead.

I awoke covered in cold sweat, looking at my alarm clock it was six twenty nine. Knowing I won't sleep anymore, I went to my bathroom to take a cold shower to try to at least clear my mind. To school I wore my skinny jeans, white top, my brown leather jacket and brown boots. I also took a change of clothes for gym class today at school. Going down the stairs at seven twenty five, I sat down to eat breakfast, which consisted of greek yogurt with fresh fruit and some coffee. As most morning my parents were already at work, and our maid, Natasha was already clearing the dishwasher. She worked for our family for as long as I can remember, Natasha practically raised me. "How are you feeling this morning sweetheart?" she asked with her soft accented voice. "I had the same nightmare tonight; it just doesn't seem to end." I told her honestly; sometimes it feels like Natasha is the only person I could talk to. "Don't worry; everything will turn out all right, your friend protected you. It is awful it cost her life. But this is the exact same reason you need to live yours a long and happy one. So her sacrifice won't be in vein." Blinking back my tears I stood up from my seat and went across the kitchen to hug her. "I miss her so much," I whispered into Natasha's shoulder afraid to start sobbing "it was all my fault; it was my idea to go to that movie. If it wasn't for me she would still be alive." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer, which only made Natasha hold me tighter and rub her hand in calming circles on my back. Pulling back Natasha looked me straight in the eye and said firmly "you are not to blame, now stop with the tears and go to school." She said with a small smile and kissed my forehead. I nodded and went for my bags. Right before I was out the door Natasha wished me a good day and said she loved me in Russian- a language thanks to her I knew a little bit.

I drove into the school parking lot, which was filling fast, so it was nearly impossible to find a decent parking spot. Muttering un-lady-like curses every time some car was parked on two spots, I finally found a spot three rows before the main entrance. It was a typical school, the long and wide hallways, on the walls were lockers and "GO TEAM!!!" banners. The lights buzzing silently and a few flickered on and off. Walking to my locker I heard whispering and saw students staring at me from every side of the hall, they probably thought "ohhh she is that one girl's friends who got killed a few months ago…" or "when is she going to crack? It was some scary shit to go through." I felt their eyes on me, I wanted to scream at them to mind their own business, and I almost did when I felt a heavy arm drape over my shoulder from one side and another snaking around my waist as my two friends Daren and Kelly came to me in the hallway. "Mornin' Jenn, what's up with you today? You look like you could kill someone right now if you got the chance." Daren said with a smirk on his face. "Yeah you really look upset," Kelly quipped in with her cheery voice but a look of concern was on the face, evident as daylight. "That's because I do want to kill someone, these kids keep staring at me and it drives me nuts." Daren laughed a quickly said "well it's not because you're a freak, that’s for sure." I looked at him with a questioning look on my face "what do you mean?" With a roll of her eyes Kelly said with a hint of annoyance in her voice "that's because you're extremely gorgeous, and every guy wants to be with you and every girl wants to be you." Now it was my turn to roll my eyes "you have got to be kidding me," I said with a groan as the three of us went to homeroom, continuing to talk about our plans for the weekend. Just as we got to the class the bell rang and the three of us sat in our seats. We spoke for a couple of minutes until Mr. Jamison came into the classroom. Right behind him stood a tall guy he had short black hair with unshaved stubble and clear blue eyes, he had a muscular and lean body, and he had a good foot over me in height. Mr. Jamison stood before us and said with his deep, hoarse voice from years of smoking, "good morning class, I'd like to introduce you to our new student here at Kennedy High, this is Adam Jacobs. He transferred from Washington so I expect a good welcome from you all." Not tearing my eyes away from Adam I noticed he was staring back at me with a ghost of a smile and a gleam in his eyes. He went for the only vacant spot in the room, which happened to be on my left and sat there. I winced as I realized that Adam sat in Lola's seat, I quickly looked away and tried to concentrate on the lesson. Every now and then I glimpsed to my left only to find Adam looking at me, trying to avert my gaze I couldn't seem to actually hear what Mr. Jamison talked about. Something about the social criticism in "Lord of the Flies", that was on our reading list. The rest of the lesson went in a blur, and fast enough I was on my way to Biology class. I left homeroom in such a hurry, I think I even forgot my jacket there. I stopped at my locker to get my book, and walked just in time to find Adam sitting in the seat next to mine in the lab station. My eyes widened for a few seconds as I stood stock still in the entrance, just as quickly as it all happened I got into my senses and sat next to him. Smiling I greeted him "hey there, how do you like it here in Kennedy High so far?" Adam turned to face me and those blue eyes nearly put me in a trance. He finally spoke after a few seconds, "well to tell you the truth, about the classes I still can't say, but the girls here a certainly good-looking." He said as he gave a quick once-over. "I'm Jenna, by the way," I said nervously, not exactly sure what to say or do next. "It is a pleasure to meet you Jenna." He said with an impish grin, out of pure curiosity I asked, "Why did you transfer from Washington?" The second I asked the question, the smile vanished and Adam looked away saying "I just needed a fresh start." Feeling I crossed a line I sat quietly playing with my hands in my lap. After what felt like hours of awkward silence Ms. Robinson came in the class. Today we talked about the human body, and we worked on the systems in it. During the lesson I sat quietly and took notes, and then Ms. Robinson said to the entire class. "Listen up students, by the way you are seated you will do a research project about a system in the body. This will be decided by the note you will take from the cap. In the project you will be asked to write about each organ in the system, their role and importance to the body and the diseases of that system." The entire class groaned as Ms. Robinson passed the hat, when it came to mine and Adam's table I took a note which read in bald letters "Reproductive system". I blushed furiously, and I heard laughter from over my shoulder. When I turned I saw Adam laughing, and giggled as well. When we caught our breath, he said "this will be interesting."

Part 2

Biology class was over in a flash, Adam and I decided that he will write about the male reproductive system and I will write about the female reproductive system. "Do you want to meet today at the library to start our research?" Adam asked me with a small smile tugging at his lips. "Sure" I answered "that sounds great," immediately I blushed and looked down, thinking to myself what is so great about a study date? "Amm I... I mean… sure I'll meet you there." I looked up and saw he raised a brow at my behavior and shook his head. I took a deep breath and mustered the courage to ask, "Do you have any lunch plans? I mean my friends and I we all eat together, would you like to join us?" Looking up into those blue eyes, I felt myself drawing closer to him. He also took a step forward and spoke in a hushed tone "that sounds great," with a smirk on his face he used my words against me. That calmed me and I playfully punched his arm, feeling his muscles tense by my touch "wiseass," I joked. In the hallway we met Daren and Kelly, after the introductions we all headed toward the cafeteria. Standing in line I tapped Adam's shoulder, "you came on 'Pizza Friday', so it won't be a shock how disgusting the food here is," I teased. Adam turned and whispered in my ear, his warm breath on my neck gave me shivers down my spine, "don't worry about that, where I came from the food was practically inedible." I nodded because I couldn't trust my voice not to sound high and squeaky. After the four of us got our pizzas, we sat by one of the outdoor tables. It was a warm May day; there was a warm breeze which carried the sound of conversations and laughter throughout the school grounds. I sat by Kelly and across Adam. "So Adam," Kelly began "tell us about yourself, what do you do in your free time?" Adam looked at her and moved his gaze around the table until it reached me. "Well, what to say? I played in the football team in my last school, I play guitar and I'm actually quite a bookworm." Daren looked at him from the corner of his eye and asked "did you read any good book lately?" Adam thought for a few moments and I couldn't help but look at his sharp features, his high cheekbones, and the curve of his jaw and of his lips. Adam shifted his gaze again and caught me looking at his lips. With a dimpled smile he said "I actually read many classics, not too long ago I finished 'The Perfumer', and it was a great book." Daren nodded his head with appreciation and got back to his food. The rest of the conversation was about political views, and current news. During which Adam's knee bumped against mine. I looked up at him and saw that smile of his and felt as if my stomach was full of butterflies. The rest of the day dragged by, and I decided to go after school to the studio instead to dance.

At three o'clock I went straight to my car, and on the way Adam called my name. I stopped dead on the spot and turned around; there he stood with his hands in his pockets. "I'm not very good at this, but do you want to go somewhere?" he asked, I stared at him for a few seconds and told him "I'm actually going to play the piano at my studio; if you want to join me you are welcome." Adam smiled at me and nodded his head. We walked together, shoulders brushing against each other. As we walked he asked "do you dance?" I smiled and looked at him, "no but sometimes I go there to play for the dancers." I gave him the directions of how to get to the studio and we each went to our cars. The drive felt as though it wasn't fast enough, finally I arrived with the same feelings of butterflies. I got out of the car and saw that Adam was already there, waiting for me. "Hey" I said as I came closer. "Hey" he replied, stepping closer Adam brushed a strand of hair from my face behind my ear. His touch sent heat coursing through me body. "Shall we?" I asked with a shaky voice, he only nodded. We walked in the rectangular building. The studio walls were covered with mirrors and bars, the dark hardwood floor, recently polished. I quickly went to the corner where the small brown piano stood and sat on the stool. Normally it didn't bother me to play with someone watching me, but with Adam it felt as if I was being tested. Every now and then he clapped or called my playing or even me beautiful. After a few hours my hands ached so I decided to finish for the day. Adam waited while I got up from the piano, and when I did he said "you play just perfect," I felt a blush creep up my cheeks and I stammered "th-thank you." He grabbed my hand and we walked out of the studio and headed toward the library. As we reached the building I was astounded by the amount of shelves stacked with so many books. There were common areas where there were sofas and coffee tables to read magazines, on the second floor there were study rooms with computer stations. After asking the librarian, who sat behind a large hardwood desk, where were the anatomy books, we sat around a table at the study rooms. We were pretty quiet during the research, but after a few hours Adam and I started talking, and we discovered we love the same music, books, hated cats and reality TV shows. Another thing I noticed is the strong attraction I have for him, I constantly found myself thinking of his lips on mine and quickly blushed at the thought. At eight o'clock, after a long silence when we both wrote facts for our project. Adam suddenly spoke up, "it's getting late, why not go grab something to eat and go home?" at the mention of food I remembered that I barely touched my food at lunch and I was starving. "That sounds really good to me. What did you manage find out this far?" I wondered. After checking his notes he beamed a proud smile at me and announced "I finished every part of the male reproductive system" he looked at me expectantly, I returned the smile and added "my work here is done as well." I looked into his eyes for a few moments and asked "when do we even have to hand it out?" Adam looked up for a moment and his brow creased with the memory "next week I think." I grinned at him "that is absolutely wonderful!"

We went to some funky sushi place, the place was huge and filled with Japanese décor, the tables were black with drawing on the tops and the walls were covered with Japanese quotes. The meal flew by. We both told each other stories of out childhood, jokes, and funny stories. Like when Adam was younger he tried to eat a giant lollipop and it got stuck in his mouth, I even told him about how I went through an entire day at school with a hand print of someone's hand on my pants, without me even knowing until Kelly drew me into the locker rooms to quickly change. After the argument to pay my half of the bill- and losing that fight- Adam led me to my car. He stepped closer to me and cupped my cheek in his hand, my heart thumped in my chest so hard; I thought he could hear it. Slowly he lowered his face to mine, he whispered in my ear "I had a wonderful time with you today Jenna." The sound of my name rolling off his tongue sent shivers down my spine. Then his mouth moved to cover mine at first the touch of his lips against mine was soft and tantalizing, after a few moments his mouth started to move against mine I pulled in closer and opened my mouth, which made him groan in response and tighten his grip around my waist. The smell of his cologne thick in my nostrils; Too soon he pulled back, and my lips tingled from the kiss."I'm sorry I just couldn't hold myself," he breathed out, trying to catch his breath. I looked into his eyes and my gaze flicked to his mouth and returned to his eyes just as fast, "I'm not sorry it happened." I whispered and pulled Adam's face back to mine, relishing the feel of his stubble against my skin. After a few more minutes or maybe hours of what was nearly not enough, it was my turn to pull back. "I have to go home now; my parents will be worried if I won't be home soon." I said – a bit breathy- Adam only nodded and opened my door. I kissed his cheek "I'll see you tomorrow?" I didn't have to wait too long for his answer, "sure thing, goodnight Jenna."

The entire drive home I relived that perfect kiss and all too soon I was back home. I parked my car, and skipped through the door home. My mother sat on one of the cream couches looking at the door, waiting for my return. "And where have you been young lady?" she asked with I snapping undertone. "I was dancing in the studio, and after that I went to the library to start doing my project for biology class. Plus it's a Friday night; it's not a school night." My mother frowned at me "I expect you to call me or your father in case come home late, and I talked to Dr. Morton, and you will not leave a session before it's over. Do you understand me?" she shouted the last part. I rolled my eyes at the idea of sitting another minute in that office ever again. "I don't want or need to see Dr. Morton again, I hate these sessions, I hate that you invade my personal life and I hate you!" I screamed, my face flushed with fury. I turned around, not even letting my mother to cut in a single word and went straight to bed that night. The only thing I could think to make me smile was of Adam, and that perfect kiss.

Part 3

Days turned into weeks, Adam and I became the "it" couple of our school. At lunch we sat together, held hands in the student-filled halls to the way to our classes. Somehow the dirty yellow walls, the black tile floors, green lockers and stares of the other kids didn't bother me the way they used to. Adam was the perfect boyfriend; he held my back pack for me, opened the doors and even gave me fourteen red and white roses when we were two weeks together. Even my mother approved of him, she said after he left our house for a Sunday dinner that he was a keeper. For my mother to compliment someone, that person had to reach for the moon and bring it to her on a silver platter. The bell rang to signal lunch hour. I got up from my seat Daren called to me, "hey Jenn do you mind loaning me your History notebook? I missed something about the civil war." When I got to him I opened my bag, "oh darn, it's in my locker. I'll give it to you at lunch in ten, okay?" He hugged me saying "you are the best! Thank you." I laughed at his response "no problem." As I walked in the hallway one of the secretaries called me, saying the principal wanted a word with me. "Did I do something wrong?" I asked nervously. The old secretary, with the bleached hair and dark round glasses smiled at me, trying to calm my nerves, "no honey nothing's wrong." I relaxed a little and followed her to the principal's office. Dr. Cohen, the principal, a balding man with a small beer gut and striped button-up shirt, greeted me and asked me to sit down. The office was small and so full of life, from the many photos he had on the wall of his students and the certifications to the pots overflowing with many different herbs. Behind the desk were the personal files of the students, also Adam's and the reason he transferred- something that quipped my curiosity. "You are one of our most talented students here at Kennedy High Miss Morris, and I would like to ask you to perform in front of the entire school." I looked at him with awe-strike wide eyes, nodding vehemently "I would love to!" Dr. Cohen smiled at me and nodded. Then someone called him from outside his office, telling him he had a phone-call. He excused himself to answer it, leaving me alone in his office. The ticking from the clock on the desk nearly drove me mad. Tick-tock tick-tock and so on and on for who knew how long. What does Adam hide from me? I couldn't help but wonder, why won't he tell me what happened at his old school? Was it so bad? Is he afraid of my reaction once I knew? The thought consumed my mind. Quickly glancing down the hall to see no one is coming near the office. I made a beeline to the filing cabinets, with a bit hesitation I opened the drawer and searched the J's. Laura Jabler, Chad Jackson, huh Adam Jacob. Pulling it out the fleeting thought caught me, maybe he just wants to leave it behind him and not tell me at all? I heard footsteps down the hall and dropped the file, looking at the door I was never opened, "phew, thank God." I dropped my gaze and saw the file open by my feet, picking it up I gasped and nearly lost my balance. It was written in bold letters, expulsion due to the hospitalization of Marcus Fisher. Quickly closing the file and retrieving it back, I closed the cabinet and sat down just the second Dr. Cohen walked back into the office. We continued to discuses about what piece to play. Mozart, Bach Chopin… I vaguely recall, but I couldn't actually listen. The whole conversation was over in fifteen minutes. I left the office with my heart feeling as though an elephant just sat on it and crushed it to pieces.

"Are we still on for today?" Adam asked me as he draped his arm over my shoulder and kissed my temple, a featherlike touch against my soft skin. Although the new information I looked up at him and answered; "of course, will you at least tell me what are you planning?" I asked. "Sure" he said with a shrug, "we will go skydiving off the Empire State Building," he teased. I smack his arm but couldn't help the laughing fit that overcame me. The rest of the day went by slowly, which gave me time to over-think what had happened that had made Adam cause some kid go to the hospital. When I finally got home I quickly changed from my tights and tunic to my white sundress with the red flowers, applied a fresh coat of mascara and lip gloss, and wore my white gladiator sandals. At four o'clock, I heard a knock on the front door, when I opened it Adam stood there. He wore khaki pants and a snug white T-shirt. "You are absolutely beautiful" he said as he kissed my jaw, his lips warm and inviting, then his mouth covered mine. I put my arms around his neck and drew him closer, which made him put his hand on the nape of my neck to keep me from pulling back. When we broke the kiss to catch our breaths, Adam said, completely breathless, "are you ready to go?" With both our chests heaving in attempt to take a lungful of air, I nodded and grabbed his hand, it enveloped mine- which made me feel so small against him. As it turns out we were headed to Central Park. When we got there Adam led me to a blanket spread on the soft grass under an ancient oak tree, on it there was a picnic basket. My heart thumped so hard in my chest and my eyes brimmed with tears because I was so touched by his surprise. "No one has ever done something like that for me," I breathed out. He snaked his arms around my waist and kissed my shoulders, "anything for you babe," he whispered. In the basket there were fruits, sandwiches, two bottles of grape juice and- drum-roll please- a bottle of Champaign. I sat down and Adam lied with his head rested on my lap. "Tell me about your family Adam, you never mention anything about them." I asked, wondering why he hadn't said anything about his parents or even let me meet them. "There is nothing to tell, just my folks and I, I have no brothers or sisters," he said with a detached tone, avoiding my gaze. I caressed his cheeks with the back of my hand, bending down I kissed the corner of his mouth. I practically felt his grin against me lips as he pulled me back down to deepen the kiss. "I love you Jenna" the breathed out after I pulled back. I looked in his hypnotic blue eyes, seeing the sincerity in his words. Unable to keep the truth from him any longer I blurted out "I know." Scrunching his brows Adam looked at me, sensing I wasn't talking about his declaration, "you know what?" I looked away, anywhere but at him. "I know why you transferred from Washington." With his eyes wide from a combination of shock, hurt, anger and betray he sat up and asked, "how the hell do you know?" wincing from his menacing tone, I answered "I saw it in your personal file in the principal's office," shame over my actions overtook me. He shot me a glare, "why would you do that? Why did you push your nose into my business?" he glowered "Yeah I know what you're thinking, why did I send that asshole to the hospital?" he didn't wait for my response "Well because he made fun of the fact that I have two mothers, saying I was a freak and an abomination of nature." He growled at me "I broke his arm, two ribs and punctured his spleen, but he had it coming." He added with a low tone. "But why the hell did you do that? If I wanted you to know, I would have told you!" I looked down, scared and remembering how I felt in that dark alley, a gun to my head and Lola bleeding out in my arms. I started crying over the memory, "Why the fuck are crying about?" he screamed at me. That only made me cry harder, deciding what the hell, that I already lost him, I told him. "Four months ago I went to a movie with my friend. It was late and dark in the streets," I remembered it all too vividly. "A man was following us, my friend and I started running. We ran to a dark alley, he caught up with us, telling us to give him our money. My friend didn't listen to him, so he shot her in front of my eyes and then pointed the gun at me. If it wasn't for the police coming so fast, I would also be dead. The man was trying to get some cash to buy another few hits of Meth. And I was so scared, I vowed I'd never go out with or ever use drugs in my life. I had to know that the reason you transferred was not related to drugs. That's all." I said in a hushed tone. "You think I'm a drug dealer?" Adam asked with hurt evident in his tone. "Just forget it," he said while backing away from the blanket. "I'm leaving," without even a second glance back at me he walked away. I stayed there, where not even half an hour ago Adam told me he loved me I was now sobbing my heart out.

Part 4

Thank God it is the first day of summer vacation. It has been six day of being without Adam by my side. The halls in school were filled with the scrutinizing eyes, and pitiful gazes from my peers. The pity killed me, since Lola's death I got acquainted with that look, it made me feel like such an outsider. It was the reason I was sent to therapy. Now when I lied in bed, sleep eluded me, and thoughts of Adam conquered my every waking and dreaming thought. For God's sake, he loved me, and I took that love and trust he gave me and crushed it to a million pieces right before his eyes. My father is working so much, that he didn't even notice my gloomy mood. My mother and I fight a lot more than we used to, and over such dumb reasons, like her using my computer after her has broken down. My fuse is shorter so practically anything that stands in my way makes me want to scream. My days are mostly filled by myself and my piano. For the first time ever playing the it didn't manage to calm me, or even ebb away the pain. With a reluctant sigh, I got up from my bed and headed towards the bathroom. As I looked at myself on the mirror, I just couldn't recognize myself. I looked thinner, my eyes sunken and swollen from crying, the skin beneath them was almost purple from nights without sleep. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. After brushing my teeth I changed into jeans shorts and a purple tank top. I wanted to go to my piano, to try to relieve some of the pain that swelled and throbbed in my chest. The moment I stepped into the living room I saw Kelly sitting on the couch looking at me. "What are you doing here Kell?" I asked a bit shocked to see her here. "Daren and I are worried about you and Adam, both of you are miserable, and have you looked at the mirror lately? You are skinnier, your shoulders are slumped and I'm scared you might pass out." She looked with apprehension written all over her face. Holding the tears at bay, I walked over to sit next to her on the couch. Kelly hugged me and the dam broke, I sobbed against my friend. She patted my back trying to calm me, and I couldn't believe I still had tears left ever since Adam left me. "It was all fault," I sniffed finally able to stop the tears. "If I wasn't so goddamn selfish and stupid he would still be with me." "Shhh…" Kelly said, gently stroking my hair, "Daren is also talking to Adam right about now, I'm sure everything will work out, don't you worry." Kelly repeated it over and over, "don't you worry" while rocking by body gently. Somehow I was beginning to feel better in the first time in about a week; though the guilt was heavy on my heart I relished the brief calmness that engulfed me in Kelly's arms. The rest of the afternoon was relatively quiet, Kelly and I caught up after not seeing each other since school ended, I played the piano for her and unsuccessfully tried to teach her to play. "No, this is a G, you need to play a B," I laughed as Kelly tried to find her feet by the keyboard. "I'm trying! Now stop laughing and help me or play the goddamn thing yourself," she burst out laughing by her own attempts. "Fine, I'll play," I scoffed "but how will you learn if I do all the work?" I raised a questioning brow at her. "I don't care anymore, this instrument is evil." Kelly pointed at the piano, with a look as if it could bite her. At some point Kelly and I looked at the clock, "oh my god, it's almost midnight! I have to get going or else I will be grounded until I am thirty." Kelly left my house and headed home telling me right before she left that she will cal tomorrow. We hugged and parted ways, after the distraction of the fun day I had, all the thoughts and memories of Adam came back at full speed. I slumped to my bedroom and crawled to bed, more tired than I ever was. It had to be magic or a miracle, but I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

The following late morning hour, my mother asked me to go to the grocery store, after an argument that I wasn't her slave; I got into my Mazda and drove to the store. I froze mid-step while holding a box of cereal; Adam was in front of me staring right into my eyes. He was just a beautiful as I remembered, but his eyes were bloodshot, he looked paler and his hair seemed as if he had run his hand through it too many times. He approached me cautiously, not saying a word. All of my emotions whirled around in my head and I couldn't come up with anything to say. "I'm so sorry Adam," I blurted out, feeling the tears brim my eyes threatening to spill over my cheeks. "I shouldn't have looked into your file, it was selfish and plain horrible." I choked on the sob that pushed through my lips. He just looked at me, came closer and wiped my tears with the pad of his thumb. Continuing to stare into my eyes, not saying anything at all, I continued to babble on and on. "… I am a terrible person, please forgive me." I didn't think about what I said, it all just came out. "I know you will never be able to trust me ever again, and I don't ever expect you to," at that second I knew that I had to put myself out there to prove him the depth of my regret. "I love you, Adam. I know I had to say it earlier, but I was so scared of my feelings that I just couldn't." Adam's eyes widened with palpable shock, just as fast as it appeared on his face, it vanished. If you would have blinked, you'd have missed it. Replacing the shock was a cutting softness that reached my bones. "Daren talked to me a few days back, ever since Central Park you were all I could think of," he said softly. "I was so angry that you went behind my back, but I also realized that I was more broken by not feeling you soft touch, seeing your grey eyes twinkle from the light or ever hearing your laughter again," he choked on his words and pulled me into a tight hug. I nearly melted by his words alone, but his touch caused a burning to feel his lips over mine. Taking his cheeks in both my hands, I crushed my lips onto his. The smell of his cologne made my knees buckle, only his arms holding me upright. The kiss was hungry and mind-consuming as his mouth moved over mine. Tasting the saltiness of my tears on Adam's lips, I kissed him deeper and pulled away. Looking into his hypnotic blue eyes, I took his hand in mine saying "let's get out of here." Grinning an impish grin we headed down the aisle leaving the store.

I guess it is true what they say….. What doesn’t kill you does make you stronger. Love has a funny way to show it though…