Special thanks to ZLYF, Scar and Squall whom made this chapter a chapter.
Chapter one
Arrays of diffused winter sun filled the bare forest with warmth, fresh snow crunched beneath two pairs of boots. They stopped and their owners watched, mesmerized as silken snowflakes spiralled down from the sky, the white puffs of their breath dispelled slowly in the stilled air.
“BOO!” The loud outburst started her. She twisted her head to see her companion, Fael, grinning at her, his cropped dark tresses powdered with melting snow.
She scowled lightly blowing a stray strand of amber hair out of her face and retorted back hotly “Shut up, Fael. You’re the one who dragged me out at the crack of dawn to follow you!"
His grin melted into chagrin as he squeezed her hand softly.. “Yeah, I know, Sirce. But it will be worth it!" His eyes lit up at my hesitation, "The view’s amazing, come on!”
Shaking her head in mock disapproval, she followed him, one hand held in place by his slender fingers as she wondered when she had permitted complete trust to Fael.
The two trudged along the inch thick snow in companionable silence, weaving in and out of trees with blinding familiarity. Winter in the Lorwyne was just as beautiful as it was in the summer, it was austere, yet full of elegant beauty.
It is good to leave the rest of the world behind for awhile. Sirce thought, tripping over and smashing into Fael’s thick woollen cloak, before dropping to the ground. She didn’t need to lift her head up to see he was smirking.
“I see I have stolen your heart and mind with my beauty, Fair Sirce.” His tone held equal traces of amusement and mockery as he swept a low bow.
“Shut up, Fael, before I throw you down the goddamn hill.” The words came out in indignant huffs as she flashed an icy glare his way. “Just walk.”
“Your wish is my command.” He chuckled lightly at the murderous look she flashed him and hiked up the sloping hill. The temperature dropped considerably as they climbed up the mountain side, bare trunks jutting out liberally from the thick white carpet. Silvers of moss peeked through crevices in the rocks occasionally; this path was an unfamiliar one to the pair, despite their extensive experience of the forest. The branches thinned from oak to walls of towering birch that obscured much of what lay above.
“Just a little while up, the slope gets steeper here.” Fael’s voice travelled back down as a mere whisper. Sirce exhaled slowly and continued on laboriously. By the time she caught up, snow had powdered her amber hair and gloves due to slipping up on roots and trunks. Mouth twisted in a scowl, she peeled the gloves off and threw them aside carelessly
“So, what’s this worth-of-my-morning- thing you have been dying to show me?”
“This!” He grinned, a smile that lit up like a candle in the darkness as he pulled her up effortlessly to stand beside him. With a sweep of his hand, he rendered her breathless. All the glory of Starash and Avignon lies before their eyes, from the sweeping grasslands of StarAsh to the mantle of golden light that settled over the quietened town of Avignon. For a second, the power of omniscience claimed them both in an awing rush.
It was a full minute before Fael recovered with a dazed look that mirrored in Sirce’s eyes, as he lowered himself down onto one of the rocks that overlooked Avignon.
“Is amazing, isn’t it?” He asked softly, glancing to his companion sideways. “I found this hiking up one day by myself; I thought we could meet up here where we could have a few hours to ourselves.” She translated it into that this was a place where there were no hired eyes to spy on them, on ears along walls to hear their words.
“I wanted to give you this.” His fingers fumbled about in his pocket for a second or two before fishing out a silver key.
Her warm chocolate eyes widened before key as she shuffled back awkwardly. “Fael, I can’t.”
He grasped her retreating hand and pressed the key into her hand. “Sirce, times are rough, the unrest in Avignon is as restless as a fish out of water. You need this; besides,” he said, his eyes softened as he tightened her fingers over it, “keep it safe for me, please?”
She frowned, locked in an internal dilemma as she stared down at the intricate silver key, a small grimace flitted across her lips as she reached up and slipped the key inside her own pocket. Before unpinning a sapphire brooch that was previously hidden by the cloak with the emblem of the Councillor of Defence engraved on it.
He accepted it wordlessly and both stood up concurrently and made their way down the slope. Each now held an inkling of the other’s lifeline in their hands.
“What do you think about deaths?” The question jutted out oddly in the silence, much like the roots that protruded from the ground.
“What is there to think about?” He shrugged a careless gesture of helplessness. “As if they would ever tell us the truth, a sickness they say!” He snorted derisively. "Might as well say candies rained down from the sky and knocked the people unconscious.”
“Yes well, at least it hasn’t reached Avignon yet.” She gave a weary sigh, the snow gave way to land as the pair descended slowly and with each step. Their hearts grew heavier with a disquieting feeling like the prelude to a raging storm.
And it was at that moment, as the pair reached the first cobble step that lead into town. A shrill wail pierced the morning air.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Avast, me hearty! (That probably sounded ridiculous, byt anyway...)
The aspect of your chapter I enjoyed the most was your imagery. Your descriptive skills are very well-developed and you can paint a very vivid picture with your words. It is not only these skills which serve you well though, for your chapter as a whole is well-written.
I adore the first half of your sentence, as simply reading those words prompted me to visualise the scene, and beautiful it was. However, the second part of your sentence is not connected to the first in any way. It is reminiscent of this sentence: "He kicked the ball and there were clouds in the sky." Quite simply, the two ideas are completely unrelated, so I advise separating them with a full stop.
I appreciate how, instead of saying "two people were walking through the snow," you write that the boots walk through the snow and then refer to their masters. It is a highly original, in my opinion, so well done. Also, alliteration is one of my favourite sound devices, so silken snowflakes is absolutely delightful, and it emphasises the fragility of the snowflakes to boot.
There are, once again, some errors concerning comma usage though. Firstly, there should be another comma after mesmerized, and secondly, the part about the characters' breath dispelling is a pleasure to read, but it has no business being a part of that sentence, as it is an unrelated thought.
Another comma is missing here, I am afraid.
I feel that the full stop and exclamation mark at the end of the two respective sentences should be swapped. There is no major flaw with the way it currently is, I simply think it will work better the way I suggested. Opinions differ, though.
Two full stops are rather unnecessary, don't you think?
Either these two are lovers, or they are simply very good friends. Either way, I think this part is sweet. (not candy-style)
Here we have a case of ambiguity. I understand that you mean to say Lorwyne is just as beautiful during the winter as it is during the summer, so it must be lovely indeed, however, in the manner the sentence is currently phrased, you said that winter is just as beautiful in summer. Confusing, right? Also, that second to last comma should actually be a semi-colon, as it replaces a conjunction.
Oh, I really do adore this young duo!
The occasionally is at the wrong end of the sentence, but as for your description of the characters' snowy environment... every time I read about it, I am taken to a winter paradise where I hear Vivaldi's second movement of said season's concerto being played and I see the first rays of the sun appear over the white horizon. It makes one nostalgic of places one has yet to visit...
I can simply imagine how magnificent the view must be, but for something so awe-inspiring, I find your description a tad bit too lacking for my taste. You have here the opportune time to put your talent for descriptive narrating to full use, yet you only briefly mention it before proceeding with the next topic.
Typo: It's
You could have phrased this better.
Another typo: no
I am certain I am not the only reader who is intruiged as to the meaning and symbolism of this key. But all will be revealed in good time.
Pardon me, but this is more than a little cliché.
I have by now realised that not knowing when to separate ideas is a recurring problem. I advise looking into the matter.
You create tension before concluding the chapter - that is good, for it persuades the reader to continue being one.
I understand what you were trying to say, and it would have been a climax to the tension you have just created, but the way you separated the sentences, and this time incorrectly, makes your chapter's ending as a whole inadequate.
Your chapter has much potential, my dear pirate, and your greatest weapon is your imagery, but your greatest weakness is the comma-splice error. Keep both of these in mind, and your writing is sure to become even better than it already is.
Thank you lackey! Ah yes, those pesky commas, I was never good with them. But I thank thee kindly for thy review.
No worries, lass.
Hey there Laure!
So here I am, your new adoptive parent 
I have been meaning to get to your novel for a while now, after seeing it up for adoption I knew this was my chance to grab it
Not like this needs much parenting at all. It's already a very capturing story all on it's own. You've got such beautiful descriptions in there, it's majestic and gives me the impression every word was carefully chosen just to add to the imagery. Especially when it came to you describing the setting. Also, you've already thrown us a bit of a cliffhanger here and some things to think about. The reader should already be puzzling over the mentioned deaths, the meaning of the key, and as for the awesome chapter ending, what the scream could possibly mean. Since you've already got some brilliant reviews and done such a good job, I'm afraid my feedback is pretty limited xD
This needs a comma after the word 'scowled' as well as one after the word 'hotly'.
Suggestion: Make this the deaths. When I heard it I thought it was talking about deaths in general, which seems like a pretty philosophic question in a way xD So, being more specific immediately shows us they're referring to certain deaths that have been happening.
Also, is it Starash or StarAsh? You've switched between both and I'm not sure which one s meant to be the correct one.
That's all I can really say for the first chapter. You've ticked all the other boxes: pacing, character, dialogue, setting... I love it! Hopefully I can be of more use in the future chapters
Deanie x
XD' you're a brave soul Deanie. Thanks so much, I've actually consider rewriting this in the future. Starash is actually without the capital A, but my mind obviously is bi-polar and that happened.
Brave soul? I wonder what I have gotten myself into
Awesome, my first first chapter all day. Thank you for suggesting this piece. <333 I'm gonna go line my line and pick out things that catch my eye, okie-doke?
Technically this isn't part of the chapter (so I feel like a douche for doing this, but trying to help D':), but this should be 'who'. If you can replace it logically with 'him/her/them', it's 'whom'; if you you can logically replace it with 'he/she/they', then it's 'who'.Here are some suggestions/corrections:
These are two distinct sentences. Comma should be a period or semi-colon.
Run on sentence. Could definitely be split into two.
Beautiful description here, and great choice of using 'powdered' for texture. Reminded me of powdered sugar.
Commas around 'blowing a stray strand of amber hair out of her face' because it can be extracted without effecting the flow and logic of the sentence.
The two dots should be a single one.
Should be a period, not a comma.
Would suggesting a hyphen between 'inch' and 'thick' since you have two adjectives and 'inch' is describing 'thick', not 'snow'.
First comma should be a colon since the later section is concluding on the earlier portion.
I'm gonna stop right here. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day! ^_^
Hi there! Your wisely sage is here for a review!
After reading this chapter, I have to say that the one thing I remember the most is Fae. Now, that's not to say that I didn't remember anything else from the chapter, because I definitely did, but Fae really sticks out in my mind. He's such a good character! And this sort of pompous attitude he has when it comes to Sirce is cool. I'm not sure if he's like that with everyone, but it definitely gives their relationship something more.
Your imagery is great. Really. I like how you described the walk up this hill and everything that's going on around them. This is especially important because your story here takes place in a different world. In order to really capture the reader's attention and get them to believe that this world exists, you have to describe it very well. And that's what you've done! Good job.
Whoa, holy cliffhanger! I seriously love the way you ended this chapter. The cliffhanger has really got me thinking and I want to read more to figure out what the scream was all about. I'm guessing that it has something to do with this "sickness" that has been causing deaths lately.
Now to focus on the "negatives". I really hate using the word negative because it's so...negative. It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that it can be improved. I don't know. Just wanted to share my thoughts on that. Anyway...
I think that the last paragraph is a bit rushed. And did I miss the part where they climbed back down the mountain? They seem to be talking and then right when they stop talking they hear this wail. That's a bit unrealistic I think. People like to talk, but they also like to not talk. I want to know what Sirce is thinking. How does she feel about Fae now that he's given her his key? Does she feel that she deserves to hold this lifeline? Give us a little bit more insight into the characters's minds. And then you can interrupt her thoughts with the wail. That way it won't feel as rushed. It will flow more.
Like I said, I really enjoyed this chapter. You've definitely got an interesting start to an interesting novel here. I'm hooked! I think I'm in love with your characters and I can't wait to find out more about them and their lives. I also really want to know who screamed and why they did. Your names are really interesting and different as well. Definitely fantasy names!
I give you two big thumbs up for a great first chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey! ImTruant here!
Before I go into depth of your incredibly intriguing work, here's some of my nitpicks:
^ This doesn't sound grammatically correct. Maybe you would put:
Just a thought
Characters:
Wow. I love Fael!!! He is tremendously funny character, I love how you make him constantly joking around with Sirce. He is a very nice character to relate too, he is very life like. I also like Sirce's character as she is quite a serious character in contrast to Fael. You have shown you can test out different personalities in characters, so well done!
Dialogue:
Your dialogue reminds me of a normal conversation between teenage friends, as I have said, your characters are believable and life like. There are some errors in your dialogue, for example:
^ The ".." should be replaced with a comma.
^ This sentence is a little awkward. Maybe if you put:
Other than the little grammical errors, great work! I cant wait to read on!
Guess this is better, I can see you put more care into your word choices and have considered if they're useful or not.
Aye? You were describing Sirce turning back to face Fael, then it jumps to this. Was really lost as to how it went to describing the tresses (and I actually don't understand the description to be honest).
Nix it. Useless sentence. You are already showing their bond growing stronger just by hanging out with each other (like right now).
OK here, you can use more details. How exactly is Lorwyne beautiful in both winter and summer? Compare and contrast.
Repetition makes the sentence really awkward.
They would have to be climbing up quite reasonably high for the temperature to be noticeable. While I'm at it, how exactly did they climb up the mountain side? You make sound as though they scaled up the walls of the mountain (which is very unlikely given their age). You mean they walked up some mountain path leading to higher grounds?
They are going up the mountain side, and all you can do is describe some moss that nobody cares about. You could of instead talked more about the view from the mountain and what they can see, giving more of a scope of their world and how these people lived. You want your descriptions to have relevance (that is, they either move the plot, characterize the characters, or show more about the world they live in).
I notice that your descriptions lack some variety. You tend to fall back on the same type of descriptions (like her breathing, or the expressions she makes with her mouth).
OK, so at this point, I just couldn't bare the cheese. Right now I'm like thinking "...so why can't Fael just give her the key say...in some room at the dead of night, or just somewhere nearby in the forest? Why does Fael need to lead her all the way up the mountain just to give her the key? You're making it seem as though Fael is about to make some sort of marriage proposal to her, when in fact all he really wants to do is give her the key.
I think the only ways to make this seem more sensible is 1. They are going up the mountain for something different, with the reveal of the key as an afterthought (e.g: Oh by the way Sirce, I want to give you this) and 2. I would imagine that Sirce and Fael to be very close friends for Sirce to even be bothered to get up early in the morning to walk up a mountain with Fael, but going by Fael's mannerisms right now, he sounds a lot like a flippant and runt kid. I can't imagine Sirce to be willing to partner up with Fael like this. The relationship that I have in mind between them two involves both serious moments and not-so-serious moments. You need to show more of Fael's serious and mature side. There needs to be a reason as to why Sirce would look up to Fael.
I fail to see why would Fael would entrust her with the key or why Fael reckons she needs the key in the first place. That whole scene was just really random.
You really do think Fael would reply to her like that? I pictured more of a tactful and calm reply from him.
Overall impressions:
So I've already talked to you about what I think about it so nothing more to be said here. But yea, slow down and focus more on the details. Spend some time fleshing things out and exploring your characters and the scope of your world. Overall, this has potential, and I hope you'll keep going with this
Andy.