jayflames1

I like your vampire part as well as your toilette part. However. I don't understand what you mean with Villain has gained some IQ. Do you mean Villains have gained ...

A bit of pain and some betrayals. it may seem weird and is completely ridiculous, but i feel like making that sound lore like cooking instructions could do now wrong ...

ok, *cracks fingers* "Yeah." Henrietta poked at her macaroni and cheese. reword this, it makes it seem kinda like Henrietta is the one talking. tomorrow we could go get a ...

"Alright, so what I want you to do is sit down on the floor." Saying so what i want you to do, implies that the end goal is what follows. ...

changed review to walfare1's liking: Check yo' spacing, there are quite a few problems. Poor Stellan,now he had a owie-owie on his head.. Remove the second period. an especially bright ...

I'll add more progressively because its so long and I am bored now. Water streams off the girl’s head down instead of off may be better Can’t let them find ...

A voice called echoing across the bare lawn _Im fairly certain you could use a comma after called Alonya peeked her head out _i would change peeked to poked. straight ...

"Tonight lays a woman on her death bed" who is this Tonight person? That's what that says. "...her fingers lip grasp and..." limp? "...flash as the sun reached up into ...

"cold feet wrapped in silken morning fog—" Capitalize the first letter of every line in most poetry so do it or not. I feel silken could be something else, ill ...

I feel like changing "straight" to right in the second line wouldn't hurt it and would make it more logical seeming. I feel changing insane in the fourth line to ...

In the first sentence add a comma before "are writing" after the (IUDLO). Take out the comma after "writing this letter to inform you that" the comma after that doesn't ...

I'm not a poetry expert, but I think the first letter of the lines are supposed to be capitals. If this is between two people, you could make one of ...

you have "Digging the the woods" take out a the. "...near my backyard,I wiped up" should have a space between "backyard," and "I". Also, just say brow. "My older brother ...

I feel this would be better as a poem or something. You don't need a comma "The dragon is light purple with ..." I would recommend saying "Her heavy wings ...

I really like the word "swash" I will have to use that at some point. I dislike how you said "With the fresh smell of paper." I prefer the smell ...