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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Margo here for a review. I'm totally lost, Prokaryote. I just don't understand this at all. Your too deep for my shallow mind. Curtains. Anorexic. A gas station. What?! One moment there is a family sitting down at supper arguing about the importance of being on time and washing hands, the next, there is a change of tense and I find myself at a gas station with an injured man.
You have scrambled me. I'm broken! Margo cannot compute. Why is this a poem? How is this a poem? Why did you only use 64 words? Why the limitation? How is this about war? Why did you use astrixes? My brain has turned into a whirling cycle.
I beg of you for an explanation. I cannot stand not understanding! So help me or I will be sitting for the rest of my existence!
Forgive me. I am so literal when it comes to writing. It is a curse I live with each and every day. Magical realism. Abstract art. I comprehend none of it. Am I reading the same thing other people are comenting on? I feel as though I've finally gone off the cliff.
Regardless, a good story is never done. Though I certainly need an Advil now.
ok, *cracks fingers*
reword this, it makes it seem kinda like Henrietta is the one talking.
curtains are plural.
I dont see what you are doing with those asteriscs. would italics work? or bold?
same there...
This doesnt have understandable transitions. She didn't hear her, then prepares to die, how?
i feel adding a her in there would help
Again with the wierd transitions.
I may continue this. Probably not since ive posted it now. If you want more ask me. I'll do it then.
I think this is a great example of what I call "prose poetry." It's not really a poem, but has the same lyrical quality to it. Beautifully crafted, for 64 words!
Thanks for your comments.
Actually, I should've explained this earlier: I was trying to write a story that was exactly 64 words in length, so I had to make some cuts in word count to get it just where I wanted. Hence some of the abrupt sentences and such.
Also, the end lines were supposed to rhyme; I did that on purpose. Just because I felt like it. :p
It wasn't really supposed to be a commentary on the modern world, per se, more of a note on how some people think war can be ended for good, but others know it simply isn't possible.
Nice catch on that sitting/sleeping thing, Claudette, I might have to figure out a way to fix that.
Thanks again.
Prokaryote
I'm with Clau that this would make a great poem.
Also, it makes a great blurb if you'd be interested in making a longer story. It seems like something that would go on the back of a book.
The first paragraph seems like it was almost written like a legend, like something distorted by time.
I'd be more interested in it if it was more active. Maybe you could use fragments or something to give the reader a better feel of all the exciting things happening.
Good luck!
Later, you say they are "driven out of sleep" if they are just sitting....then why are they later sleeping?
This sentence would do better without the word 'suddenly'. If you added the word "like" somewhere towards the beginning, it would work better, since I assume you are comparing the lightning strike to the appearance of planes. "unpredictable" is kind of unneeded, since you told us in the other sentence that the people were unaware. So obviously, the planes were unpredicted, right?
I think instinct should be plural. and "To the bomb shelter" is a fragment. it would make sense if you also meant to italicize that sentence, though, so perhaps you forgot? "Some didn't make it" is such a short sentence to compare with the other, longer sentences you gave us. It makes it boring.
Reversing the word order is....strange. I'm not going to argue over style, but this would be better read as "The idealists and the young said" and "The eldest (perhaps should be changed to 'the elders'?) said" but reversal might be part of the style.
Wasn't much of a story. If anything it was a very small commentary on the state of the world. There were no characters. It was too short to bring me in. Offered nothing new. But hey, it was a try at something, yes?
Also, just a small comment on "never again, war" I assume you made this small phrase like you did because it rhymes "more" in the slightest? As dialog, its poor, but from that element it's okay. If that was your purpose, making the two lines the same length in syllables would be nice. It would be poetic, and would give it rhythm.
In fact, this may be better off turned into a poem...Even for flash fiction it doesn't do much for me. Hope I was helpful