Published March 22, 2015
Where is the milkman?
the baby is starving.
oh, well, I guess the baby can wait.
Has the water not turned on yet?
Has the plumber not shown?
oh, well, I guess we can sit.
Did you ruin the oatmeal again?
you need water for oatmeal.
oh, well, nothing you can do about that.
Where is the milkman?
the baby has stopped breathing.
oh, well, it's out of our hands.
You need water?
You can't stand anymore?
neither can I.
oh, well, I guess we can just lay down.
Where is the milkman?
oh, well, the baby is dead.
Where is the plumber?
oh, well, we can just sleep a bit.
I thought that there was something wrong with this picture
but then the milkman came.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
I love it. I love it all. In all honesty, I do happen to have an unhealthy addition to the morbid, especially when it comes to poetry. And stuff like this, chalk full of sideways meaning and what have you, is the cream of the crop. There's definitely some charmingly voyeuristic element to watching everything fall slowly apart, and certainly something thrilling in seeing the subject just not care. Of course, there are all the normal poetry syntax issues. Namely, you should either capitalize all the sentence's beginnings, or none or them, but you'll want to avoid wavering between the two.
Very much enjoyable, thank you for writing.
I'm not a poetry expert, but I think the first letter of the lines are supposed to be capitals. If this is between two people, you could make one of them in italics. "oh, well, I guess the baby can wait." (and other lines like this)
instead of a comma after oh put a period.
This is pretty creepy, probably what you were going for, I don't get the "we can sit" part, its probably just me though. Very nice, even if this will now forever haunt my dreams. OH nice not using much imagery, it leaves a lot up to the reader.
This was a pretty cool poem. I know some people like this, that just sit and wait to do things for some weird and abysmal reason as things fall apart around them. I loved reading this, it really creeped me out and some of the visuals my weird brain conjured up will probably see me in my dreams tonight. *shudder* I also liked the element of repetition you put in with the "oh, well". It's very haunting really, depicting the casualties of laziness. The last line was my favorite, it perfectly ties up the frayed, rotting ribbon (The tailor is late) that is the story. It imparts a lesson of independence, and I love your style of writing. YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!
PEACE OUT
I really quite liked this. It shows the futility of waiting around for something to happen.
The bit about the baby dying was a bit morbid, but it certainly gets the point across.
The end confused me a bit, and then I wondered if there was a different meaning. Perhaps it's specifically about people who wait for god to come and rescue them? The milkman might come in the end, yes, but the milkman is god and god has given death to these people who chose not to do anything about their situations, waiting on him to come and give them nourishment.
An old saying is "the land of milk and honey" and I wonder if you made that choice intentionally to put specifically a milkman in, as it symbolizes the goods.
However, maybe I'm looking into this too deeply, as I can't think of a reasonable metaphor to attach to the plumber. Overall, I quite enjoyed reading this.
Happy YWSing!
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem left my on the edge of my seat (or rather like a suspense) since i was wondering when this milkman would be coming or when the plumber might be coming so the people could eat their oatmeal or whatever. Also i love the tone of this which could be said as like stressed out yet not showing it, type of feel or whatever.
Nitpick(s):
When i was reading this poem, i struck me a tad odd why were you repeating "where is the milkman" yet as I read throughout the poem and realize in my head, that the repetition in my head had something to do with a suspense since the milkman hasn't came yet and the baby has died also go for "where is the plumber" issue since the plumber and the milkman could be symbolize death in a sense.
Overall, i think this is a great poem and hopefully, i get to read more from you.
Farewell
CapitalMonday
the poem is not only humorous but a strong satire. i like your use of words and your hinting at broader aspects. i would however suggest rectification at some points-
first of all - "Where is the milkman?" you have used this phrase too many times in your poem, i get it that you describing an incident and want to emphasize it but i it a little overdone. rather in some cases you can make it like " has the milkman not arrived yet?'', '' Is the milkman still killing time" and so on.
and next i would like to say your title is attracting but too clear, for a satire i would like to see even the title hinting at something. and even you mentioned the plumber in description and not in the title itself , so for the very least add the plumber to the title.
i like your thought and the way you express. i see huge potential in you
keep writing
Rituparna
Something about this was really haunting. Like, I don't know how, because I was honestly confused the whole time. But I knew what was going on, I just didn't know who the milkman was. Did the milkman represent death? Or was it supposed to be very litteral. I'm not sure. It was still an interesting poem... it had a rhythm and everything, so kudos.