I love it. I love it all. In all honesty, I do happen to have an unhealthy addition to the morbid, especially when it comes to poetry. And stuff like this, chalk full of sideways meaning and what have you, is the cream of the crop. There's definitely some charmingly voyeuristic element to watching everything fall slowly apart, and certainly something thrilling in seeing the subject just not care. Of course, there are all the normal poetry syntax issues. Namely, you should either capitalize all the sentence's beginnings, or none or them, but you'll want to avoid wavering between the two.
Very much enjoyable, thank you for writing.
Points: 320
Reviews: 7
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