The Colony of the Elite. Chapter 1: The Sancternum

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"Alonya..." A voice called, echoing across the bare lawn. "Alonya Allison Carver. Are you hiding Alonya? Come on, come inside its almost dinner time!" Alonya's mothers voice turned from stern to panic stricken as she yelled from the front porch of her brick style home in Ulisia. Alonya poked her head out from behind a bunch of rocks piled in her front yard. She was a teenage girl with straight, chestnut brown hair that came midway down her back , stunning blue eyes, and a very curious nature about her that worried her mother sick.

Alonya jumped up, out from the rocks. "AHHHHHH!" Shrieked Alonya's mother, "Oh my goodness Alonya, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Get inside come on, you know the rules. It's almost dark and the enforcers will be patrolling soon." The enforcers were robots that were the law of Ulisia, they kept order and they enforced the rules.

"Mom what would happen if one of the enforcers caught me out after dark? What would they do?" asked Alonya inquiring curiously. "Hush your mouth Alonya and get inside or I'm gonna come down there and drag you in by your hair." Carlene said with more fear than anger in her voice. "What would they do?", Alonya asked pryingly. "Alonya!!!" Her mother yelled once more. "Okay...okay..." Said Alonya with a sigh as she shuffled her feet up the steps and into the house, the door slamming shut behind them.

Alonya's mother looked into her piercing blue eyes and said with a shaky tone in her voice, "Alonya, you know what would happen, they would take you and I would never see you again. Do you want that?" "Well, mom it depends on where they would take me. Like...If they took me to an island full of really good food and if it had  water and even animals...I'd probably stay." Replied Alonya with a joking smile. "Do you think there's animals still on the earth, mom?" Asked Alonya. "Honey, there haven't been any animals since your great grandmother was alive. I have some pictures of them in her things though, would you like to see?", Alonya's mother, Carlene implored. "Yes mom, I would love that." Said Alonya with a wondrous gleam of interest and excitement in her voice.

Carlene went into the garage and came back with a small photo book in her hands. In it were a collection of pictures of different animals. Some animals were photographed in cages, and some just walking around out in the open. They were all labeled at the bottom of each picture with a permanent black marker. "Oh that's a funny one mom. It says it's called a," she paused for a moment hesitating on the pronunciation. "duck." She squealed finally settling on how to say it. "It looks so funny. I wonder what sound it made." She said as she stared at the photograph of the white feathered creature with a beak portruding from its face. Another animal in the book captured her attention."Oh look at this one, mom it's the most beautiful creature that I've ever seen. H-horse," She sounded out. "Wow. Amazing." She said in bewilderment. "What do you suppose happened to all the animals?" She asked with a pensive stare. "Honey, you've already been told the answer to that question. They were all killed as food when the shortage started and the sancternum took over," Carlene said matter-of-factly. "Well, yeah that's what I've been told but what if that wasn't what really happened? Why must we always believe everything we are told?" Questioned Alonya.

"Alonya, seriously? What has gotten into you? What's with all these questions?" Carlene catechized. "Well, tomorrow is the day of sacrifice, and if I'm picked to die, I want to have as as much knowledge as possible, before I...you know, meet my end." She replied while tracing her finger horizontally across her throat gesturing death by beheading. "I want to know more stuff than what Everyone's being told." She uttered In a low, nasally tone.

"Alonya, stop talking like that. You know every single adult gets put into that raffle and there's a million-to-one chance it's you, and I don't want to think about that right now. It could be me. Who knows? You don't know." Carlene said, trying to hold back the tears welling up in her eyes. "Well I wasn't worried last year because it had to be a male but this year it's a female and it could very well be me."   There was a pause. "Mom, what if we aren't randomly selected though, what if we were chosen?" Alonya said as her thoughts trailed to conspiracy theories.

"Alonya, you need to stop with all of this nonsense talk. You know that a random sacrifice is chosen from the members of our country as a gift for the Sancternum, alternating genders every year, to keep the peace. The enforcers enforce the rules that we are kept under by the Sancternum, to keep us all..." "Under control" Alonya interrupted. "Well I was going to say in-line, but yes. The enforcers keep order." Carlene explained for what seemed like the millionth time to Alonya.

"But..Why can't we keep our own order though? We were able to do it so many years ago, why are these aliens so obsessed with controlling the human race?" Well, it's better than them killing us all and wiping us out isn't it? Is that what you want? The entire human race wiped out because we would rather not submit to their rules?" Carlene said with forbidding inflection, as she slammed the picture book closed. "Next time you cut it that close again, I'm not going to be as nice. You are really stressing me out and I have so much to worry about right now, your father is still babbling and when he isn't babbling, he's sleeping. The people in town are talking about letting him go, if he doesn't get better soon." Carlene's tone quickly softened, as a single tear trailed down her worn face. "Well it wasn't his fault that those dumb aliens decided to abduct him and experiment on him, if I saw one of those aliens face to face, I would give them a piece of my mind," Alonya uttered with indignation "I'm sure you would. Alright now, go sit down, dinner is ready." Carlene said trying to end the emotional moment that was happening. She was scared of what would happen if she let herself start really feeling the emotions that were welling up inside.

You mean the same thing we have eaten everyday for breakfast lunch and dinner since before I could remember? you mean the stuff that those aliens give us to eat, that has no taste, and no smell, but somehow keeps us alive." Alonya whined. "Yes, sweetie. Mannah is a gift from the Sancternum. They feed us mannah, And we give them a sacrifice every year. That's the way it is, and how it's been for a very long time. We ran out of food and our gracious president was able to make a deal with them to keep us alive. Without mannah, there wouldn't be enough food to feed everyone. It's a miracle food, it has all the nutrients we need to sustain our bodies, and we only need eat just a few bites a day." Lectured Carlene.

Alonya stared down at the white flaky substance on her plate, scooped it up with her fingers and set it on her tongue as it quickly dissolved In her mouth, leaving her stomach still feeling empty. "I'm still hungry." She grumbled. "Of course you are. We all are, always, and yet you complain about it at every meal. What am I going to do with you? Alright well, get yourself to bed. I've got to go check on your father." Said Carlene as she positioned Alonyas body in the direction of her room and gave her a gentle push. Alonya, nodded and started off to her bedroom, but then stopped just short of her room and asked, "Mom, will you tuck me in tonight?" "Alonya, you are going to be 18 years old tomorrow. "I know, I just sleep really well when you tuck me in." Alonya jutted out her lower lip to emphasize her need for her mothers comfort. "Oh alright. I will be in there after I check on your father." Carlene conceded to Alonyas request.

Alonya smiled and went straight into her room and nestled under her covers, awaiting her mother. In the room across the hall, lay Alonyas' father Samuel. Carlene opened Samuels mouth and put a few flakes of mannah on his tongue, and gently closed his mouth. She caressed his hand and then kissed him on the forehead. Suddenly his eyes opened and he jolted to a sitting position. "Noo!!!! My arms!!! Please don't cut off my arms!! Please!! Stop noo!!!!" Samuel screamed in horror. Carlene jumped back in a moment of sudden fear. No matter how many times Carlene saw him babble, she still hadn't gotten used to it. He wasn't making any sense. None of the babblers did. They said things were happening to them, that couldn't have logically happened. Samuel still had his arms yet he would scream in the middle if the night that his arms were being cut off. That's why they called it babbling. It was believed that they were abducted and experimented on by aliens, and the experience drove them into a psychotic state of mind. It usually only lasted a few weeks and then they would go back to normal, although they would have no memory of the things they said and did. Samuel had been laid up for 3 months and Carlene was starting to worry.

The people in town, were always scared of people who babbled and considered them a danger to society. They were always looking for reasons to kill them, to keep themselves safe. Fear ran rampant in Ulisia, and people went to extreme lengths to do anything that would make them feel even just a little bit safer. Carlene didn't let anyone visit so they couldn't see how bad it had gotten. She just closed her eyes and prayed for the best as she left the room.

When Carlene finally made her way into Alonya's room, Alonya was humming a little tune to herself. "He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands, He's got the whole world in his hands He's got the whole world in his hands," Carlene sang to the melody of Alonya's humming, forgetting for a moment the state of chaos their lives were in, just for a brief instance in time, letting the overwhelming stress just melt off her body. Carlene planted a loving kiss on Alonya's forehead and they both told each other good night, as Carlene turned out the light. Worry and fear instantly returning to her face as she left the room. 

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jayflames1
Review

A voice called echoing across the bare lawn
_Im fairly certain you could use a comma after called
Alonya peeked her head out
_i would change peeked to poked.
straight chestnut brown hair
_add a comma after straight
midway down her back , stunning blue eyes
_you have an unneeded space after back
Alonya jumped up out from the rocks
_add a comma after up
"AHHHHHH!!! Shrieked Alonya's mother
_you need to close the quotation marks on "AHHHHHH!!! .
asked Alonya inquiring curiously.
_inquired Alonya curiously
"Ok...ok... Said Alonya
_you didnt close the quotation marks
Well, mom it depends on where they would take me.
_i would move the comma to after mom, and you dont have any quotation marks here and they would go nicely
Yes mom, I would love that."
_No open quotation marks
Carlene catechized.
_umm, not sure if this is a word. did you mean chastised?
"I want to know more stuff than what Everyone's being told."
_is everyone a person's name? if not lowercase.
She uttered In a low nasal tone.
_make in lowercase and maybe make it nasally and add a comma after low
Carlene conceded to Alonyas request.
_add an apostrophe so its Alyona's
lay Alonyas' father Samuel
_ move the apostrophe so its Alyona's
Carlene opened Samuels mouth
_make it Samuel's
The people in town, were always scared of people who babbled
_take out the comma
Fear ran rampant in Ulisia,
_I would change ran to was

Really good story, I like the idea. It reminds me of a book or movie, but i cant remember the title. Really good idea keep going *thumbs up*
move the apostrophe back a letter, so its Alonya's

Thank you for the review. I will be making the corrections soon. This,was just a rough draft so I didnt get a chance to edit it much before posting it. I really was just concerned with getting the ideas down. %uD83D%uDE0A Catechized is a word, it means to put questions to, or to interrogate. I really appreciate you taking the time to thoroughly proofread this for me though, as it makes it a lot easier for me to go back and edit. Hope you have a fantastic day, and there will be more to come. I really hope you are able to continue following my story, and continue reviewing future chapters.

oh, that's cool ill use that word.

I dont know where the weird %uD83D%uDE0A came from in my last reply. Weird.

yea, i just ignored it

Thank you. I love playing with new words. I learn 10 new words a week to add to my vocabulary. Thats probably why Im so hard on people who use the same words over and over because there are so many words in the english dictionary, why do people settle for the most mundane ones?

i like floccinocinihilipifilipication. May have spelt that wrong

Hey, AshKitten! Unknown here for a review!

I'm going to review as I read :)

A few nitpicks:

-it's*

-'Alonyas mothers voice' Alonya's mother's voice* An alternative could be simply 'her mother's voice'

- 'straight chestnut brown hair that came midway down her back, stunning blue eyes'- This is just my personal view, but I think you could be a bit more in depth when describing. For example, what shade of blue? What made it so 'stunning'?

-'"AHHHHHH!!! Shrieked Alonyas mother, "Oh my goodness' Instead of all caps you could show the stress of a voice with italics. Also,-again just my personal view- I don't think the multiple exclamation marks are necessary. Alonya's*

-'The enforcers were robots that were the law of Ulisia, they kept order and they enforced the rules.' I think you could give more description to what these 'enforcers' are. Why did they have to be robots? Why not just humans?

-'"Ok...ok... Said Alonya with a sigh' I think you should spell 'ok' full like: 'okay'- It just looks better :P

-'million to 1 chance' Spell out numbers instead of the numerals.

I think you need to work a bit on adding some of the character's thoughts and/or emotions and fully describing things.


Thoughts:

"Do you think there's animals still on the earth, mom?"
No animals on Earth huh?

''Well, tomorrow is the day of sacrifice, and if I'm picked to die, I want to have as as much knowledge as possible, before I...you know, meet my end.''
No animals on Earth and humans are getting sacrificed... Cannibalism?

""Alonya, you need to stop with all of this nonsense talk. You know that a random sacrifice is chosen from the members of our country as a gift for the Sancternum, alternating genders every year, to keep the peace. The enforcers enforce the rules that we are kept under by the Sancternum, to keep us all..." "Under control" Alonya interrupted. "Well I was going to say in-line, but yes. The enforcers keep order." Carlene explained for what seemed like the millionth time to Alonya."
I feel as if some of the dialogue- much like this one- is just being used to inform the readers of the society. It doesn't really sound like what a person would actually say. Instead of using it all as dialogue you could introduce the topic in dialogue and let the narrator explain it afterwards.

"We ran out of food..." Couldn't they grow crops? How did the president get in contact with aliens?

...

Overall, this was pretty good. The whole concept of the whole world running out of food and aliens providing them a substance that contains all the basic nutrients for human life with the exception of sacrificing a human in return was pretty unique. I've never really thought of what would happen if the whole world one day suddenly ran out of food. A world without pizza? *shudders* But there are some gaps and details that need to be filled in. Other than what I said above, good job!
Keep writing! :D

Thanks for the detailed review. I will make some changes, it was my first draft. I just really wanted to get it down, but yes I will take your suggestions into consideration. As for your the dialogue, I would like to keep it because it fits the rest of the story. There are a lot of plot twists coming up, but one thing I want to stress is that the things her mother reiterates are what everyone is being told is why the society is the way it is. Some of your questions will be answered soon and some later. No there's no cannabalism. They are told that he sacrifice is to the aliens, the Sancternum. the shortage will be explained a bit later as well. Keep your mind open. Conspiracy theories, invited.

As for the dialogue*



The wince that you wince when you see your quote in the quote generator is quite a wince, I tell ya. To know that the whole YWS community has read and judged your quote is quite an awkward feeling like oh noes. *manly blush*
— Arcticus