haylstormsx

Such good verbiage here, DD! I like the imagery, but I wanted a bit more with the things etched on the pillars--what images do you see there? What are these ...

Alrighty, this is the only time I see you using this kind of aside formatting: (—boxes and boxes and boxes; she choked on the stale stench of cardboard and she ...

I am a broken record in reviews with first sentences. Let's copy/pasta! "'Twas a calm night, with little wind and noise." That's your opening line. I really think it's unfair ...

Okay, I'm going to copy/pasta a pretty big section here: "All Beka wanted to do was to go home, was that too much to ask? Apparently it was, because it ...

Okay, I feel like I tell everyone this, but: --Madder had almost finished stuffing her clothes into a sack when someone knocked on her door. She froze, her uninjured hand ...

The direction in the first bit is a bit confusing to read. I would try reading it out loud to yourself just to make sure you've gotten it penned out ...

I feel like there's a bit of inconsistency with lines--some read like fragments, some read like complete thoughts. Poetry is a lilting thing that is quite frankly hard to understand, ...

This part reads a little info-dumpy. When you're writing fantasy and you have a lot of information to convey, it's a pretty common trope of the genre. I would try ...

Okay--so I hit submit before I meant to, haha. I have to say before you read my extremely long review--I picked up on pretty basic editing things. You've got good ...

Technical things: You've got a bit of verb confusion, which is a thing that seems to go out the window when you're writing. I know it does for me, anyway. ...

Very intriguing idea, but you need to flesh this piece out a bit more. The first paragraph doesn't seem connected to the story that you're telling...the transition from Rick to ...

Haha--sorry, I hit submit too soon! The dialogue in this is excellent--you really have both of the characters down. You give us a glimpse of the mystery, but you're still ...

Disclaimer: I'm really bad at making instructors sound professional. I usually tweak them a few times, to be fair. --“The purpose of this exercise is to see just how well ...

There are quite a few inaccuracies. If you want this piece to be respected, you should use more research. It comes off as an opinionated piece more than anything. I ...

I know that this is just the back story for your book, but I hope you have really original things planned for the weaponry. It's 2840...the tanks should be INSANE. ...