The Last Breath of Fire Chapter Three [Revised]

Hey, Zont! Wolf here for a review.

You posted the link on your wall, so I found it. I still refuse to let you quit on this, so maybe this review might motivate you more? We shall see.

Since I'm almost brain dead, I'll try to do a review as I see kind of thing. So, first culprit is right after the part with the different kinds of dragon magic. It says that he walks over to the dresser and then repeats the phrase 'walking over to the dresser.' Cut one of them out. It's too redundant.

Then the very next thing is, I'm not entirely familiar with the style of clothing that is a 'jerkin', and I'm positive most others wouldn't be either unless they purposefully studied medieval times. Try to describe it more. Is it the sleeveless jacket that he buckled up? A little more detail in this area would help, but so far your descriptions are looking great!

Another tiny little thing, I don't recall it saying that Jacob started walking with the man. It only mentions that Jacob explains his story and he walks a little further with a man and - voila! - they appeared at the home. Maybe talk more about what it was like, what the homes were like. Were there many? Were many similar or all different? Little things like that, even just a small description in between some narration works.

Well, overall, I really really liked this. Castor is new to this rewrite, and I'm curious where you wanted to head from here. I hope you don't quit. The dialogue is really great, especially because you do a fabulous job capturing the more 'old timer' or Old English talk to there. I'm sure you did quite the research beforehand. If you ever continue posting this, let me know! Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~

So I didn't get through the entire story it was far too long for me. This is what I caught anyway.

"He looked up, his eyes meeting a simple wooden ceiling." The wording of this sentence is weak, it doesn't draw the reader in.

"Moving them downwards." Either revise this or omit.

"carrying a red binding." Revise. "with its red binding."

"including a four legged stool, the one she had been sitting on." Either revise or omit.

"allowing him to sneak up behind her back without her awareness." Revise.

"In curiosity of the books content" Revise with him reflecting on how she would feel having him paw through her belongings.

"there were people that mounted them?" Omit, it sounds lame.

The following sentence can be omitted.

The following paragraph beneath is well written.

"Walking over to the dresser." Omit as you've already stated it.

"had three buckles that closed it with." Omit.

"He took the shoes on," Revise. "He put the shoes on."

"It seemed like he had gotten everything by now, so he stepped out of the room." Revise. "As he felt assurred of having got everything he headed for the door."

"A hallway was the next thing he found outside," Revise. "Stepping foot into the hallway he encountered several doors."

The first sentence of the following paragraph is poorly worded. Revision badly needed. "Making his way to the right he stopped at the top of the stairs. The music of gay voices and laughter reaching up to him."

The following sentence needs revision. "He figured out" Omit.

"serving drinks to the men seated by it." Revise. "seated by it" omit.

"She must have noticed him as well." Revise. "Her eyes flicked to him, makign him feel the fool for staring."

When they're conversing it would have been good to add what he noticed about her *attraction wise.

"How did you two heal it?" Revise. "How did I manage to heal?"

"he kept asking" Omit.

"Clearly, magic does exist." Omit.

"A moment of silence appeared,..." Omit.

"I have to return to my duty now." Revise. "I need to return to the patrons."

Everything following "she said with a smile" Omit.

"After she left him" Omit.

The sentence following "was aquiring a map" Omit

"He shuffled through the crowd" Revise. "Elbowing through the crowd"

"until he reached the door where he exited from" Revise. "He reached the exit."

The first sentence of the following paragraph doesn't work.

"so he decided to hurry" Revise. "he needed to hurry"

The following sentence doesn't work. Revise. "Stopping an old woman he asked where he could obtain a map. Glancing at him she gave no response instead continuing on."

The first sentence of the following paragraph doesn't work. Revise. "Reaching out a hand Jacob placed it on the man's shoulder, the question on the tip of his tongue."

"blue eyes meeting Jacob's one's" Revise. "one's" after Jacob's omit

The following sentence omit.

"he apologized and lowered his hand." Revise. "apologizing he lowered his hand."

The first sentence of the following sentence omit.

"What do you need it for?" Revise. "Where do your travels take you?"

The direction in the first bit is a bit confusing to read. I would try reading it out loud to yourself just to make sure you've gotten it penned out as you see it in your mind.

I feel like you're missing an emotional connection to the characters--we process a lot of information but we don't see how Jacob feels about anything. The bones are great here--the structure is set, but you need more feeling. How does Jacob feel about the dragons? Does his heart flutter? What does the air feel like? What does the bed feel like? I'm guessing you're going for High Fantasy? The genre tends to be overflowing with adjectives, so I would try and beef up the descriptions a bit.

And I hope you don't take that as a bad thing, whenever I write High Fantasy (or need a detailed setting) I find it easier to go back in and add the details after I've gotten the bones down. Most of the writers I know work that way, too. Hope this helps!