Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Sometimes, I have Dissassociative moments. You know that you are there physically, but you don’t really feel like it. It’s moments like these where you second guess your own name and wonder if that bad kiss in eighth grade was real or if you’d imagined it.
It’s 4:00 a.m. on a Thursday morning.
Right now, I’m having one of those existential crises with the duration of a sneeze.
My name is Hayden Reily.
I find it helpful to just repeat facts to yourself until the words don’t sound like words and the vowels turn to mush. Every now and then, I even look up the facts, just to prove to myself that I am indeed awake.
It’s the 19th of August and today is my first day of school.
Oh shit; is it really? I glance over at the clock to confirm that it’s past midnight. Time is tricky; the night had been dragged out right under my nose, and I hadn’t suspected a thing.
I sit up in bed, turning on a lamp. I rub my sore eyes that burn with each blink. Why? Two reasons, one being that I’d been crying some, and the second being that I’m so damn tired.
So why can’t I sleep?
The clock ticks on by, and for a split second, I imagine it’s hands really being tongues; broad, clicking tongues wagging, mocking me.
I sink my head into my hands, admitting,
“I need sleep more than I thought.”
Still, I can’t just get myself to relax. I try to count sheep, but
I always lose count somewhere around the forties.
I tend to be a drifter when it comes to thinking. That’s what about every teacher I’ve ever had has said, and it took me about five teachers telling me this to realize that I am in fact a space case.
I don’t mean to be. It’s just that I’m always mentally busy. It’s not easy, either; sometimes I jump from thought to thought so quickly that I have to go back, retrace my steps and figure out how I got to whatever current idea’s floating around.
I rest my head against the bedpost and lie awake until my alarm buzzes at 7:00.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I like your writing style. It's a nice way write a story, akin to poetry in a way. It's reminding me a lot of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty a lot, and trust me that's a good thing. I happen to be a space case too, so I know struggle, even if I like it.
I don't know if this is quite an issue, but I feel like you should be a little more descriptive and solid with your time and setting, it helps to bring the reader into the story, otherwise we're just listening to a character do stuff. That's my only negative, but it's definitely not too much of one.
Good story so far!
Thank you for the review!
Hi
I really love the way this girl thinks, it's quite captivating though I do think you should have explained a bit more about why she feels this way. I think its really good though but you should give us more info about her.
Good luck
Thank you!
Technical things:
You've got a bit of verb confusion, which is a thing that seems to go out the window when you're writing. I know it does for me, anyway. This needs a bit of basic editing as far as that goes, but again--not a big deal.
The back and forth between the I/You breaks the fourth wall in a way that is a bit confusing. I'd smooth those segments back into 'I' sections.
Story things:
While you do an excellent job with her internal monologue, I couldn't help but want more details. Why is her mind running on a loop? All that you really seem to write out is that her mind is a bit trippy. Give us a peek into what she's thinking about!
---The clock ticks on by, and for a split second, I imagine it’s hands really being tongues; broad, clicking tongues wagging, mocking me.
The Copy/Pasta bit I just put up there gives us some really vivid imagery, but that's the only real punch we get. I'd incorporate more of that kind of imagery so the reader really feels as unsettled as our narrator is, trying to fall asleep.
Hope these suggestions help, darlin!
Okay, thank you! Reminder that this is only the first chapter, and more will be revealed about the character in following chapters!
Yes, yes. However--you have to give enough of a tease into where you're going that the reader will be intrigued enough to continue. I think stories like this do work best when they're vague, but you do need a glimmer of something because all that this tells us is that she thinks weird--it doesn't set the story tone, and you have to do that in your first few paragraphs to keep the reader reading.