James sat back in his massive, luxurious chair. It was only about two weeks old. In front of him, a warm flame crackled in its brick fireplace. Its light danced along the bookshelves and the iron supports lining the domed glass roof. A heavy, steady pitter patter of rain hit the dome, as lightning licked across the sky.
James had his nose buried in a large red book, with tears streaming down his face. It was the third chapter of the book, and he had cried twice already. When he reached the end of the chapter, he rolled up his sleeve to peek at his life-piece. He watched the hour digit for a moment, deciphering the unique numerals. The unearthly number changed, and he sighed. With a tear on his chin, he moved to the next page. As soon as he did, he closed the book. Enough for one day, he thought.
The moment the book snapped shut, the door to his library burst open. The figure of a young man walked in, dripping water, presumably from the rain. James stood, and walked around his chair to face the uninvited guest. He tried to determine who it was, but the firelight simply reflected off the messy, soggy hair covering his face.
"James, it's been a while," the man said. As he took a step forward, his boot slapped against the hard boards under him. James cringed at this. It likely meant his soles were wearing, or simply of low quality.
James recognized the voice almost immediately. His face lit up, but he waited for something witty to come to him. When nothing came, he simply said, "Nobody wears trench coats anymore. Lets get it off you before someone sees." He stepped over to the other man.
"No servants?" the man asked as he took off his top hat to put on the rack beside him. His hair held onto it for a moment, as if not wanting is to go.
"No, I was hoping that would be this week's change, but obviously not," James replied, helping the drenched man out of his low-quality overcoat. Once it was off, and no longer held up be the other man, the weight of the water caught him off guard. He struggled to lift it onto the hanger, which bent slightly under the weight.
The other gave him an incredulous look. "Are you honestly waiting for a big red book to give you servants? I thought you got things done!" he said, throwing his now-free arms up in the air dramatically.
James nodded. "I used to, but things have changed. I'm busier now. I haven't left the estate in two weeks!"
"You're busy reading books."
"Now, Rick, that's not fair. It's in the job description!"
"You can take breaks!"
James shook his head sadly. "Not with my end so near. Not enough time."
Rick blinked, and cautiously asked, "When do you go?"
"In about a year. Give or take a day, with my rough calculations," James replied, casually offering a towel.
Rick stopped, ignoring the towel. He stood there, looking at James for a long time. He had a hard look on his face that James found hard to read. He looked back, confused.
"What?" he finally asked.
Rick finally took the towel as he said, "I die in exactly one year."
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello
Okay, I don't get what you mean by James life-piece...unearthly numbers.. I do like how you described the scene. It gave off this sorta creepy, dark room which I suppose is what you were going for. I would like to know who this un invited guy is and why he's dying in a year. The James character does seem a bit weird with the crying and the "Thunder licking the sky" description
I think it will be a good book but I certainly do not get what this story is about so keep writing! The death but at the end will surely make readers want to continue reading. I think you should create something more intriguing about James.
But all in all, good work. Keep writing.
Hello there
I wont say I am qualified to give a good review but here's the stuff
You did a good job of describing the scene and at the same time progressing the story,
"lightning licked across the sky" is a bit strange to me at least because lightning sure does not "lick"
The phrase ""James, it's been a while," the man said, as he took a wet step forward" shouldn't be a "wet step" but rather described either as a sound or maybe describe the puddle of water left in his wake?
All in all the end seems to take away the mystery, try to make it a bit more mysterious? maybe as they both THINK to THEMSELVES that they will die in a year and agree to search for their long sought adventure without the other one knowing the other's intentions?
But still a good piece and im looking forward to the next part
- Shadow out
Thanks for the feedback!
-The lightning thing seemed and sounded right, and when it comes to writing, I don't put too much logic into it so much as what feels like a good way to put it. Though now that you point it out...
-I actually corrected the wet step thing, but I suppose the website doesn't allow changes or something. I replaced it with, "As he took a step forward, his boot slapped against the hard boards under him. James cringed at this. It likely meant his soles were wearing, or simply of low quality."
-The ending does seem to be bothering my general readers, but in my earlier drafts, James asked why Rick visited. And he said he would die in a year. I simply swapped their places and took out the question. I suppose I could do some weaving around that.
Thanks again for the review. Very appreciated!
No prob m8
glad 2 help 
if you have time could you read my story ( prologue ? ) i would really appreciate it 
Ahh..! got it
maybe u mean that Lightning "flicked across the sky?" it sounds better cause its faaaaastttttt like lightning.
Actually that's brilliant!! Do you mind if I use that? And yeah, I'll go check out your story now.
Go ahead
and tnx fr the rev again 
Very intriguing idea, but you need to flesh this piece out a bit more.
The first paragraph doesn't seem connected to the story that you're telling...the transition from Rick to James needs a bit of work. You've got a great vocabulary, so kudos there.
I think, to amp up the shock, I'd save the fact they're all dying soon for the end of the part. Make it a bit of intrigue--dangle the idea in their faces of these shortened life spans, and then at the end: BAM. They've got a year left! Just a suggestion!
Happy writing.
Thanks, I suppose my style got in the way, huh? I'll see what I can do. Thanks again!
Hello! I read your story, and here's what I think about it...
You repeat "life-piece" in the first paragraph- try to find a way to reword the second sentence.
Why has the book made him cry? Add an explanation?
A young-ish figure walked in, dripping water, presumably from the rain.-- don't add "ish" to the end of adjectives; it doesn't seem as professional.
"James, it's been a while," the man said, as he took a wet step forward.-- a "wet step" is an odd way to describe this- what about describing the squishing of water in his shoes or something?
You use the word "wet" a lot- try to find some good synonyms.
This is an interesting idea, but the story itself lacks emotion and drama. The very last sentence wasn't exciting to me, when it definitely should have been exciting. Add some good description and details, and this story could be a lot more interesting to read. I'm eager for Chapter 2 to come because I want to find out what happens with this story... you can make this really amazing.
Thank you for the read...
-rissymay
Thanks for reading!
-I do think that introducing an official term was important in the first paragraph, but I see your point.
-It's a bit of a mystery, my friend. Do you think I should make it a bit more obvious?
Intriguing story. James doesn't seem to bothered at the knowledge of his time of death. Why is he reading a book anyway? And who's Rick? By the way, you said "Nick" in the last sentence.
I'm curious to see where this is going. This would be an interesting way to show what certain people do if they know they don't have long to live. Just wondering, but would their life-pieces be able to tell if they decided to kill themselves or something before they were supposed to die?
Very good so far. Keep it up!
I did, didn't I? Sorry, I'm reading "Everlost" again. One of the main characters is a Nick. And for James, his life revolves around books. I suppose I could try to make that more obvious as the story goes on.
I actually have an idea about both of those. I like stories that explore the "What ifs" of society, so don't expect the change to the world to be subtle.