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At Temple's Fall

by Dreamery


At Temple's Fall - by Dustin D.

A temple of stone and mortar
once towered above everything,
higher than the canopies of trees
and the steeples of churches.
And over these tall beacons--
beacons of nature and faith--
a long shadow was cast.

Its granite pillars were chipped,
holding a heavy weight on their volutes.
With every passing day--at every hour,
another piece is shattered.
Still is that burden carried by these columns,
no matter how weathered.

There were patterns etched into its design
anarchic, but with a sense about them:
a sense of order and serenity.
The carvings plunged deep into the material,
in agreement with themselves,
and in argument with themselves.

The temple had a following,
laymen who remained loyal to this edifice of power.
They knew not why, nor how they were drawn here.
Some opposed the practice, whilst others assimilated.
Regardless, they all trekked to this place.
They all worshipped this temple.

Prophecies adorn the wall, large frescoes that hold fate.
Ancient glyphs of a language long forgotten embroider the murals.
They speak of destinies and aspiration,
omens that have already befallen those it affects.
The laymen look to these murals and strange characters
for hope where it cannot be found.

For centuries, this temple has stood,
keeping a watchful eye over its subjects.
Taming and controlling where its shadow is cast.
Though these walls were once sturdy and impenetrable,
its reign is near an end.
For all things must ultimately fall.

Author's Note: This poem is subject to change! Also, I had to refer to the thesaurus for lack of better phrases ("edifice" and "volutes" come to mind). 

Another Note: I don't poet much!


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Sun Nov 27, 2016 1:40 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Dreamery! Casanova here with another review!

The first thing I would like to say is I don't really connect nor feel this poem in any right, but that's probably just me. It seemed rather off and slightly boring, but I guess that's me. Anyway, to the review!

Its granite pillars were chipped,
holding a heavy weight on their volutes.
With every passing day--at every hour,
another piece is shattered.
Still is that burden carried by these columns,
no matter how weathered.


I really like these lines, though. It seems more than just a pillar, this part actually seemed like it was trying to connect with the person. These feel like the strongest out of the poem, and I wouldn't consider changing any of them. so, props for that.

The temple had a following,
laymen who remained loyal to this edifice of power.
They knew not why, nor how they were drawn here.
Some opposed the practice, whilst others assimilated.
Regardless, they all trekked to this place.
They all worshipped this temple.


By these lines I'm starting to think that the temple is a bit more than a temple, and I like that it's being used as imagery. So props for that.

For centuries, this temple has stood,
keeping a watchful eye over its subjects.
Taming and controlling where its shadow is cast.
Though these walls were once sturdy and impenetrable,
its reign is near an end.
For all things must ultimately fall.


Here, the ending lines seem to be the strongest. I really like the last line,"For all things myst ultimately fall." this is great, because although you're talking about the,"Temple," you're being metaphorical and literal at the same time, and I absolutely love that.

Anyway, that's all I ahve to say about this. It's a rather good poem, but slightly boring in my taste, it's just not my style. Anyway, Hope this helped, at least a bit! That's all I have to say on this one.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Casanova




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Thu Dec 04, 2014 12:39 am
unicornmoon says...



I could see it in great detail.Like when you described the painting I could perfectly see beautiful murals on the walls.lt also greatly applied that nothing great lasts forever.In conclusion,I beleive that this was a great poem.Great job!




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Sun Nov 09, 2014 5:49 am
Indrashish wrote a review...



Amazing! I must say your poem is indeed unique. It gives a feeling of reality. It presents the reality of life that all things that come must one day go. Nothing remains forever. Anyway, it is really awesome! But, I think if you could involve some rhyme into your parameters, I believe your poem would truly be perfect. But the imagery involved in the poem is simply outstanding. Let me tell you the truth, okay? I had to read through the poem twice before digesting the truth in the poem that you have conveyed so beautifully. :)

I'd say that your writing skills are over the roof and I hope you keep writing!!!
Keep the writing spirit up!!! :)




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Sun Nov 02, 2014 12:46 am
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fortis wrote a review...



Hello dd!
I'm here as promised.
I'm going to give you straightforward criticism, because you thought you needed some. :)

Let's go stanza by stanza.

Stanza one!

A temple of stone and mortar
once towered above everything,
higher than the canopies of trees
and the steeples of churches.

So this is pretty much fine, but it seems a bit... much to put into one sentence, especially for the first sentence. Generally, I think it's good to start off with a simple sentence.

and the steeples of churches.
And over these tall beacons--

I don't like those two "and's" in a row. Perhaps you could rework your sentences to both avoid that and have a more simplified introduction to your poem.

the canopies of trees
and the steeples of churches.

The "the's" here feel a little bulky. I think they disrupt the rhythm, so feel free to get rid of them. I also think that "canopy" sounds better with "forest" than with "tree," but I think that might just be me.

And over these tall beacons--
beacons of nature and faith--

I don't like the repeated "beacons." Perhaps you could just says "and over these tall beacons of nature...,"
Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "beacon." A beacon is like a light house, which isn't the image I get from a stone temple.


Stanza two!

Its granite pillars were chipped,

The thing you just talked about was this "long shadow," so the reader is confused as to what you're doing with this "it."

"Volutes" sounds like too fancy of a word. Nobody knows what it means unless they're super interested in architecture. I would suggest having a more normal word? Maybe? You can keep it if you want, it adds to the tone.

With every passing day--at every hour,

I'm pretty sure that if you're going to use dashes to put a phrase in there that interrupts, and then keep going, you need another dash. So change that comma to a dash. Or the dash to a comma. It works either way.

Still is that burden carried by these columns

I know you're trying to make this sound formal, but I'm not sure it's working. I'd change this to "Still, that burden is carried..." because it removes that awkward phrasing.

holding a heavy weight

So I'd like to know what this heavy weight is, that's heavy enough to crack columns. But we never find out! :(
OR! if it was just a metaphor, I suggest turning it into a simile. "As if it was holding" or the like.

shattered

I usually hate the word shattered, but this is the correct usage of it. Usually it has connotation of emo poetry, but in a poem about an old temple, it fits. Still, be wary.

stanza three

There were patterns etched into its design

again the thing with the "it"

plunged deep into the material,

The material of the temple? That's kind of confusing. "Material" is very vague. I'd replace it with something more specific.

but with a sense about them:
a sense of order and serenity.

Again with this repetition. I don't really like it. It almost sounds like a stutter.

in agreement with themselves,
and in argument with themselves.

Again with the repetition. But also, the phrasing is awkward. I'm not sure how exactly to advise you, but play around with it until you're not repeating yourself.

Four:
whilst others assimilated.

This read a little awkward for me.

I do like the repetition of "they all" in this stanza for some reason...

As a whole, I don't know how I feel about this stanza. The rest of this poem

Five:

I like your inclusions of "frescoes" but I hate "that hold fate."
It's so abstract and metaphorical and vague.

embroider the murals.

Pick one, tapestry or mural. Although... I do almost like this contradiction....

They speak of destinies and aspiration,
omens that have already befallen those it affects.

See, there are these lines in here that just sound... empty. I know you're trying to pack it full of meaning, but right now I'm not really getting anything. These two line here are those empty lines for me. If YOU personally do not get any meaning out of it, then you probably shouldn't have it in your poetry.

Six:

I really like this stanza. I think it brings it all together. And it makes sense! I have no complaints.

As a whole, I think this poem could use some sort of metaphor that this temple relates to. Basically, you're just describing this temple, but I'm not why. what's so great about this temple that it merits a whole poem? What does it mean for me personally? Or you. Doesn't matter.
Sometimes simplified language is better, especially when you're not sure if the words you're using sound natural. Take another look at this and think "natural."

I really appreciate the attempt at using impactful words though. Usually, big words can give a lot of imagery. Take a look at some of Pompadour's poems to see what kind of words she uses, and how she uses them. (Although the exact words she uses are very connected to her style. I'm just pointing them out because they're not always very well-known words, but she still makes them sound natural.)

Otherwise, I liked this. ^-^

(ooh, and "edifice" totally fits in here. It's a word that I actually use fairly a lot, so I think it sounds natural.)

Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis




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Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:55 am
haylstormsx wrote a review...



Such good verbiage here, DD! I like the imagery, but I wanted a bit more with the things etched on the pillars--what images do you see there? What are these etchings that draw people to these pillars?

Also, one thing I'm crazy about in ANY KIND OF WORK is color! You talk about frescos, but you don't give us a glimpse of the colors! What color are the pillars? I can tell from how you dote upon it that this area is a special place...I'd grace it with some more color!

Last constructive comment and then I'll get to praise, I promise: the fourth stanza flew me off a bit--the lines are longer and it doesn't seem like it fits with the rest as far as beat-wise. I think you can fix this easily by hitting the enter key after those commas!

Whoa, dude. You start off strong! Some of those words I didn't even know!

There were patterns etched into its design
anarchic, but with a sense about them:
a sense of order and serenity.

The phrasing has such a lyrical quality, which usually takes poets a while to develop! Kudos to you, kid! Keep fostering that poeting pen! :)




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Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:42 am
ANADIR wrote a review...



Great work DD! I came here to check this out after you sent me the message saying you got into the literary spotlight. :D Congratz on that by the way. Now I'll just toss a few things out here and be on my way. 1. This poem was awful. 2. The previous sentence was utterly false 3. GREAT WORK! :D
As several other reviewers mentioned, this poem gives off a great philosophical feel. If i didn't know you had written this, I would have guessed the writer was somewhere in their 50s. (In the good way, not the bad one.) This was a really nice poem, so get ready to change that last line there dude. It's time for:
"Yeah, I can do the poet."
:P




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Tue Oct 28, 2014 11:03 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



You don't poet much? O-o :) Still, it's good, gives off that philosophical sense that makes you think deeply about the world and yourself. Especially the last line "For all things must ultimately fall." Eventually we'll all die or everything will come to an end, that's the message this poem gives off. Great poem, I think you should capitalize more and that's about it. Poetry isn't really hard you know, it's just your feeling written down on paper. ;) I would like to see another poem by you.




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Tue Oct 28, 2014 2:33 am
ambersmith12172011 wrote a review...



Hello,

My name is Amber, I wanted to tell you that for your age this is really good. Even though you don't write poetry much it's really good. You know how some people say that they want to be writers, and then there are the ones who are writers, will in order to be a writer you have to write. SO if you wake up one day and say I want to be a writer, then you are a writer. It doesn't matter what you write as long as you write. At least that's what I believe. Keep up the good work, and can't wait to read more of your stuff.





she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake