Swires

You are telling us everything. We need to be 'shown' the story. Example: On his first day at work, Jonny Celtric, age 25, spilled coffee on his boss. This is ...

First of all I notice the date - interesting, its not often we get fantasys in the future. Drace spun, assault rifle raised, to face the charging demon. I think ...

I see no real reason for this to be in present tense. Present tense is usually written in to portray immeadiacy, alert or other literary ploy. THis is a story, ...

Wow! I'm not the only person who thinks Bush is a demon. What fun! I loved your piece. You described everything very well and the demon's attitudes were just hysterical! ...

In terms of Grammar - the story is sound. In terms of writing this is sound. But - I hate the style, why have you used the second person, I ...

I was completely captivated, like a deer in the headlights, my eyes never leaving the big, ugly, hairy spider that was sitting before me. Captivated? Id say scared, shocked etc... ...

If you are a new writer then it is best you stick to one view point. I have branched out into two viewpoints recently but If you want to read ...

Ok. First of all I commend you for your dedication to this story. You are not like many writers which begin a piece then never return to work. Secondly, and ...

A Few Pointers: :arrow: Ok, the present tense as mentioned above is my least favorite style of writing fantasy. I like my fantasy in the past tense, it contributes to ...

Ok, a few things I notice: 1) I dont know where your characters are, I have no sense of whats happening because I dont know where they are going in ...

Niyana shook pale hair out of her eyes and peered around the hard stone wall, calm despite her current situation. "Are you sure we can trust him?" she whispered. "I ...

Sometimes I wish I was Griffin or Imp so my sole duty would be to space peoples work out. Thats what i would do with my life. :) This was ...

Ok, I can see what you are going for. but, personally I didnt feel for the girl at all, for some reason the story lacked emotion. I think it was ...

First off, I absolutely love the story you are telling. I enjoy tales of magic and this is another one of those tales that I adore. It is simple to ...

What is this senseless bull? Nothing made sense, all the punctuation was in a foreign style to the average reader and the speech... well its awful. What were you trying ...