She jumped for her life down the black endless tunnel and let it swallow her for the most of ten minutes. If they were behind her, maybe, just maybe they wouldn't try to pull such a stunt.
Her legs cramped hitting the ground with a thud and she swayed her long black hair out of the oval face in which it framed dramatically. She couldn't be caught, not again, not after the hell they had put her through. Though, she could hardly say she knew hell, that she knew anything. With finding the secret, she felt like an experiment.
She pumped her legs furiously in search of a nonexistent exit. They were above her, she could hear their thunderous footsteps clear ubove her, she was in some sort of sewer maybe.
Suddenly she stopped short tired of running and out of breath in the means that she could no longer gasp. She sat on the musty cold floor and thought for a minute.
Where is he, he said he would be here if I were ever in trouble? And now I need him.
She knew that she could no more count on a God than she could her own lieing foster family but she had no where else to turn. The gods she knew where real, she had seen them. But she had rebuked them, told them to stay away. Now she was alone.
Her eyes closed and she attempted to call for him. If he was a God, then he couldn't hold much of a grudge. Or at least this was what she hoped dearly.
[i]Help! I need Help.
She heard lashing blades above and the sound of grass when it whisked past the grate of her barricade and realized that they had hovered helicopters not to far from her. She could hardly here herself think?
"Come out Featheria. We can make you better, you're sick!" She looked at her wrist where the nasty distored black blankets of skin crept. Sick, no they had done this to her! They had made her believe she was something special, and now they were going to kill her before someone found that they were experimenting!
And they had used Crissy's voice. Her foster sister, she had been the baby of the bunch, hadn't known a thing about any of this. And she was dead now with all of this foolishness. That wasn't her, couldn't be.
She got up and headed for the grate not knowing what else to do, beside, her eyes were yelping for light with every nonexsistent lung and her search for it was a bust. She wouldn't go up though, she'd just stand beneath the grate.
She heard eveything. Went blank almost and just listened as they pulled open the encasment and shouted down at her from where they stood to coward to immediatly dive in. She didn't blame them. She had hurt herself badly doing it.
Hand! They were reaching for her and she couldn't move, just staring up and almost letting them take her. Then she was pushed and cast into the darkness again, thudded into a dank puddle to clear her head and then lifted when out of sight.
She released the grip that pulled her arm and shivered not knowing which way the holder went.
"I'm here. I don't mean to harm you, it's just, you looked like you were in trouble." she nodded, not really remembering that this man or___ boy could see her, then mustered a yes.
"Who are you? I won't let you bring me to them." She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder and forgot about her boy idea, this person was a man surely, with a kind voice that suddenly sounded deeper and protective.
"I'm Ethion, here I have light, It's safe to be in." He took hold of her arm once more and led her with him until she could see him fully.
He was extremely pale from being under the surface for long, with shimmering orbs alike her own. He must have been an experiment as well, she had heard that they all shared the same eyes. His build was even stronger, And he wore a dirty white t-shirt with a battered pair of jeans that miraculously didn't flaw his perfected looks.
His eyes widened when he observed her just as closely.
"Feathoria, you're her, the number one experiment, most sucessfull. And you're a rebel? I'd heard that life served her well. Did you not like it." She snorted, suddenly feeling comfortable that he knew no more than she did.
"I was treated like garbage where I lived. They wanted further experimenting. They gave me this." She flashed her wrist to he twisted and turned it between careful fingers.
"You should stay here, this isn't good, it'll kill you if you go back. Lucky for you that it wasn't completed. For now you'll just have that scar." She shook her head disbelievingly. It seemed like he knew more than he let on, either that or her thought she was educated in this topic in which she just rendered to.
"I have no plans on leaving. They're waiting for me, will they not come down?"
"I don't think so. I've been chased many 'o times and no one has ever ventured here with me. You heard about the sewers right, what they hold?" She shook her head again as a sound louder than any helicopter echoed behind them.
"What do they hold?" She asked as her voice trembled wickedly. He gripped her hand sending chills up her whole body and she felt safe instantly.
"I hope you weren't too comfortable in the light!" He yelped as he pulled her behind him in a fast run. She was about to object when something began to purposefull barrel their way.[/b]
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It seems the issue of grammar and such has already been brought up, so I get the fun job of giving you some impressions. I'd like to second all that Sam said; proofread this and it will benefit you greatly.
I didn't mind the fact that I didn't know about the location of your characters; I thought it make it all the more interesting and you did such a good job relating Featheria's background early on that I was not confused. I'm guessing this is taking place in more modern times and some kind of experimenting is going on.
My character impressions:
Featheria is obviously in danger and is running from those who experimented on her. She is very important to those people she is running from, and she feels betrayed by them (once trusted them?). I get the impression that she is so desperate to get away that she will do about anything
As for Ethion, he seems like a nice guy; he has some clue as to what the experimenting is all about, and he seems to sympathize with Featheria. His perfect looks suggest that he is a little mystical, perhaps?
Okay, just one little thing I would like to point out.
Swaying is usually a movement that something takes, not a movement that something deals. Her hair could sway out of her face, but I can't see her swaying her hair out of her face. I don't think you need 'in' before the which.
This was good - well-written despite the grammar errors, and very involving. I can't wait to read more of this. Nicely done and please keep writing. If you have any questions, please PM me.
No, the italics weren't intended at all. I haven't had time to actually edit this I think it was like the first thing I ever posted.
Thanks for your reviews everyone!
Her legs cramped hitting the ground with a thud and she swayed her long black hair out of the oval face in which it framed dramatically.
-Being medically specific, I would think her legs would jar from impact rather than cramp, they're different things.
And were those itallics intended?
A very good beginning, full of good imagery and realistic dialogue, however quite a few errors too. Needs a bit of work in the editing stage; here are a few errors I’d like to point out.
I believe this sentence is missing a comma after "just maybe."
This use of imagery paints a very nice picture in my minds eye. Nicely done.
I don’t quite understand...if you would like send me a message with an explanation and i could help you phrase it better if you would like...
You mean, above? Right
This is kind of an awkward, at least concerning its syntax. If you phrase it better it will be much more attractive to the reader and will flow better, when read aloud.
I don’t quite understand…it is my perception that this may be missing some critical punctuation, or it could be a syntax error again, it’s your call.
?
I do believe “surely” is unnecessary, and would flow better without. However if you are dead set in keeping it, at least put it somewhere else in the phrase.
Along with all these comments I have made, there were also several other minor spelling, punctuation, usage, and syntax errors that I saw. Though I would like to find every one of them and try to offer my help and advice (I enjoy editing other peoples work) my time grows short. And I must bring my ramblings to an end. Or as Shakespeare said in “A Midsummer Nights Dream:” “First, good Peter Quince, say what the play treats on, then read the names of the actors, and so grow to a point.”
Keep writing! I’d love to read more.
~Bard
The Speakers of the Forum's giving you a hard time? Don't worry about it, it is your story after all. Though it does need corrections it's pretty good. What it really needs is another chapter to explain things. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the vague first chapters, but to have a vague first chapter you need a back-up second chapter to supply the forgotten details. Tell me when you update!
- Although is a fairly strong opening, it’s riddled with errors. Incorrect punctuation, missing words and awkward sentences detract from the story, and this would be so much better if you had just proof read it. Proof reading and editing is your friend - I personally spend more time editing a story (toying with the wording, rewriting sentences etc. to improve the prose) than actually writing the first draft.
. I can tell from this that you have plenty of potential, but the lack of editing and silly mistakes are holding you back.
- That both of your good-guys are these perfect looking, model-types also damage the story (in my opinion), simply because most people are not perfect looking, model-types.
- Proof read and edit
Examples:
‘She jumped for her life down the black endless tunnel and let it swallow her for the most of ten minutes.’
- Bolded is awkward to read.
‘Though, she could hardly say she knew hell, that she knew anything.’
- Doesn’t make sense.
‘They were above her, she could hear their thunderous footsteps clear ubove her, she was in some sort of sewer maybe.’
- ‘ubove’ = ‘above’.
‘her eyes were yelping for light with every nonexsistent lung and her search for it was a bust.’
- Doesn’t make sense.
There are lots of other examples littered throughout the story. Trying going back over this, and seeing if you can correct them all.
Ok, a few things I notice:
1) I dont know where your characters are, I have no sense of whats happening because I dont know where they are going in relation to anything.
2) Sort out the BB code, its wrongly formatted.
to italic something:
[i] Italic Content Here [/i]
It appears you have misplaced an "i"
3)
I think you meant "distorted"
--
So - add some sense of place and you may have a nice little story start on your hands.