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Young Writers Society



Flaughston:A Reign to End

by Fael57


On his first day at work, Jonny Celtric, age 25, walked into his boss's office. She was supposed to give him his first assignment, but as Jonny staggered to her desk, he tripped over a pile of papers and the contents of his mug of coffee went all over her white shirt. For a moment, she sat there fuming and then yelled at Jonny. " You can forget phone calls!" she said angrily.

" You are going to box shipment, where you won't have time for coffee!" Slowly, he walked to box shipment, the worst job there, where he packed boxes on the loading dock, then loaded them into trucks to be hauled to their stores. Normally, he wasn't one to be so clumsy. He was about 5'10" and sort of skinny and gangly. He had short, brown hair and eyes the same color. His skin was peachy and rough, like the peel of an orange.

His new job was packing and selling personalized gear. He liked it better than his old one working at the New Detroit Stamp-It, where he made car parts. He had been fired for almost cutting off someone's hand with the Stamp-It machine.

At his new job, everyone was mean and solemn looking. He didn't like it one bit. But it payed well and that was what mattered. His old job was unsanitary and dirty. His new job was clean, except for the smoke from the other workers cigars. It some times got in his eyes and mouth, which really annoyed him. He later learned that most of them were illegal immigrants.

He didn't really have any friends, except for a man that was supposed to assist him on his first day. They weren't exactly best friends, or friends at all for that matter.

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The next week at work, Jonny was promoted back to answering phone calls from customers that ordered their gear. He liked answering phone calls a lot more than hauling boxes around. He was also paid more.

But all this changed the day that he was called by a man named Oliver. He asked him to deliver a shirt to 901 E. Athons Street. He asked his boss if he could hand deliver. She said it was fine. He checked out the address on the computer and found that the whole street had been deserted for years. He traced the call and, sure enough, came from 901 E. Athons. He though it over and imagined an angry customer and getting fired. So, he went ahead and got the keys to a company car, went out into the parking lot, got in, and drove to the not so deserted street of Athons.

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When he arrived at the house, there was someone sitting outside waiting for him. He or she was wearing a dark robe and black boots. Jonny got out of the car and took the shirt to them. Upon closer observation he had seen that it was a man. When he put the package in the man's hand, it caught fire and disentigrated into ash. The man snapped his fingers and black vines came out of the ground and wrapped around Jonny. As much as he struggled, he could not get free of the prickly plants. The man snapped his fingers again and Jonny was lifted into the air. After that, the man went into the house, hobbling slowly, as if his leg was injured. Jonny floated in with him, lowering quite close to the ground to fit through the front door.The man took off his hood and revealed his face. It was dirty and hairy and he had long, scraggly hair. There was a black mist flowing out of his skin.

Jonny tried to scream, but the man snapped his fingers and a layer of skin formed over his mouth. Terrified, Jonny struggled some more, and this time got loose. He dashed to the car and got in. He then started it and drove away. He looked back, but saw no sign of the man. When he got back to work, he ran inside and back to his office. He tried to convince himself that it was a dream, but it all seemed too real. Then, out of nowhere, his boss walked in. She asked him if he had gotten the shirt delivered and he said yes.

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After going home and getting some dinner, Jonny had finally convinced himself that it was a dream. He went upstairs and saw an envelope on his bed. He opened it and found an ancient looking paper inside it. He took it out and found that it was written in a strange language. He put it back in the envelope and put it in his filing cabinet. Then, he looked up ancient languages on the Internet. The search came up with over 50 languages, but none matched the one on the envelope.

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The next day he went to work and the parking lot was empty. He then remembered it was Saturday (he didn't work on Saturdays). He got back in his car and drove to Pierre's, a local resturant. There Pierre, the resturants owner, welcomed him and payed for his breakfast. After eating, Jonny saw a man with a black hoodie on that reminded him of the man in the black robe. Then, he realized that he wanted to go back to the house and look around. After thanking Pierre for the meal, he got in his car and drove to the house.

When he got there, there were fire trucks an police cars surrounding the house. When they were finally gone, there was hardly anything left of it. He looked at the house for a few minutes, and walked up to where it used to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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23 Reviews


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Mon Oct 15, 2007 5:08 pm
Ryter wrote a review...



You've done a good job of keeping the end in mind. (101 Writing Tips on front page of YWS!) But you've driven that tip into the ground. Keep in mind not just the whole picture, but the steps and details inbetween. That's not to say you've done a terrible job. On the contrary, as a whole it has definetively been completely thought through. Just remember to make it a whole picture, rather than one with just a very nice idea and frame.




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Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:44 pm
flytodreams wrote a review...



Hi,
I agree with what everyone else said. You need to "show" rather than "tell". Telling somehow makes the story go really fast. Slow done the pace with some description, character development, and of course, showing.

You have a nice title, though, and the plotline seems interesting. :) Good job!




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Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:17 am
FlyingDream says...



Great so far, but do a LIIIIIIITLE bit more showing and then it'll be great. Also, space out your writing a bit more.




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Fri Oct 12, 2007 1:02 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again. In general, this wasn't a bad introduction but you're right, you need more character development. I suggest you work on the boss a bit first. Descriptions of her and the work enviroment would help and then you need to emphasise her personality. Does she glare at Johnny when she shouts at him? Does she stand and wave her arms about or does she take a calmer approach and reach for a tissue to clean up the coffee? Just a few things for you to think about.

Then there's the mysterious man. Rather than stating that it was hard to tell if it was a man or a woman, do that through description. Describe how the cloak is loose and how the face is covered. For example, here's what you currently have -

When he arrived at the house, there was someone sitting outside waiting for him. He or she was wearing a dark robe and black boots. Jonny got out of the car and took the shirt to them.


and here's what you could add - 'When he arrived at the house, his eyes were drawn towards a shadowy figure who was sitting outside (Upon a steep, grassy slope./ on an old, crumbling garden swing./ ,huddled in a dark, mahogany chair.) The person was garbed in a loose, dark robe that concealed everything except for two shiny, black boots.

After that, you need to add a bit more personality to Johnny. He doesn't really seem to react when he is told to take on the hardest, least desired job so is he a passive character? Even if he is, he should at least nod in a resigned manner or maybe he clenches his fists or shuffles his feet. Just something to show his emotion. Then you need a reaction to the package erupting in flames. I'm pretty sure that doesn't happen every day. Lol. Does he take a step back maybe?

Okay, that's characterisation suggestions done and next you asked about less action? I don't necessarily think you need less action, you just need to add more description which will lengthen your story so you have the same amount of action but it's spread out more.

As for plot, I think I'll read part two before I comment on that but before I do so, here are a few gramatical suggestions -

On his first day at work, Jonny Celtric, aged [s]25[/s] twenty-five, walked into his boss's office.

" You [No space between the speech mark and 'you'] can forget phone calls!" she said angrily.

" You Same again.] are going to box shipment, where you won't have time for coffee!"

His new job was clean, except for the smoke from the other worker's cigars.

He traced the call and, sure enough, it came from 901 E. Athons. [Add more detail here. Why does he know how to trace calls and how does he do it? Using the internet or does he carry tracing equipment with him? An aspect of fantasy, some special ability he has?]

Upon closer observation he[s] had seen[/s] saw/realised that it was a man.

Jonny floated in with him, [s]lowering[/s] lowered quite close to the ground to fit through the front door.

When he got there, there were fire trucks and police cars surrounding the house.




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 12:57 pm
The Jesseble wrote a review...



Fael57 wrote:He was about 5'10" and sort've skinny and gangly.


It would be 'sort of' not 'sort have' 8)

Fael57 wrote:His skin was peachy and rough, like the peel of an orange.


I think 'His skin, like the peel of an orange, was peachy and rough' would
sound better.

Fael57 wrote:At his new job, everyone was mean and solemn looking. He didn't like it one bit. But it payed well and that was what mattered. His old job was unsanitary and dirty. His new job was clean, except for the smoke from the other workers cigars. It some times got in his eyes and mouth, which really annoyed him. He later learned that most of them were illegal immigrants.


I like this paragraph, nice sentense strcuture and it flows well :)

Fael57 wrote:One day he was called by a man named Oliver.


Noooo! I dislike the 'One Day' beginnings. Try to use something else,
it just seems a bit dull. Maybe you could say 'That was until a man called Oliver called
him one day.' It sound more professional.

Fael57 wrote:He though it over and imagined an angry customer and getting fired.


I think a comma here would be nice.

'He thought it over, imagining an angry customer and getting fired.

Fael57 wrote:he determined it was a man.


Wrong verb...try 'realised' or 'noticed', the thesaurus would help :D



Fael57 wrote:When he put the package in the man's hand, it caught fire and disentigrated into ash. The man then snapped his fingers and black vines came out of the ground and wrapped around Jonny. As much as he struggled, he could not get free. The man snapped his fingers again and Jonny was lifted into the air. After that, the man went into the house and Jonny floated in with him.The man took off his hood and revealed his face. It was dirty and hairy and he had long, scraggly hair. There was a black mist flowing out of his skin.



Ah, i think this is vague and rushed. As it is an 'action' scene, try to use shorter sentences.
This will help the reader with the pace and also make it more dramatic :D

Also use some complex sentences, the teachers' favoutite :D

Read through this part again, out loud maybe.


Plus i think this 'magic' character is being brought in a bit suddenly,
maybe you could break it down a bit more. You already have the reader in suspense, we want to know who this is and why they are there. Develope this a bit more.

As much as he struggled, he could not get free.

I think you need to add more to this. The vines are a bit spontaneous,
so add more description.

'He strained against the vines, to his dismay he could not free himself.'

Fael57 wrote:After that, the man went into the house and Jonny floated in with him'


This is a plain. went? How did the man walk? Did he have a limp?
Lumping all this information in a sentence will not gain anything.

You haven't said what the house looked like. Also, you haven't explained
how they managed to get inside the house.

The whole paragraph needs to be looked over again. Try to avoid rushing,
it's more fun to explain the details.

You have the potential, especially at 11. Just try to take your time, really
grind your story down with each read through.

I think the whole ending need to be ironed out. Don't use 'When' a lot,
or 'then'.

I think you're a lot better at this than you think. You just need the right guidance 8)


Tj




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:02 am
Swires wrote a review...



You are telling us everything. We need to be 'shown' the story.

Example:

On his first day at work, Jonny Celtric, age 25, spilled coffee on his boss.

This is telling, you need to show:

Example:

Jonny sipped his drink as he swaggered into the office. He nodded at marie, gosh she was a looker. He glugged some more of the hot coffee down him, not taking his eyes off her. He approached her, flung back his hair and turned his face into a smile.

Just then, the boss cut across him. Box plus coffee plus box on the floor equals disaster. He went feet into the air and released the mug, sending its contents all over the boss. He observed her, soaking in the brown liquid that seemed to be steaming from her red hot face.

"Get out!" She roared at him, he backed away, stuttering to apologise.

"Where to?"

"I dont know - the loading dock. There isnt any coffee there!"

--

Ok - see how you can tell the story in much more detail, AND make it much more interesting by showing and pacing the story out?

Now you try.





Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain